Need advice, online friend is suddenly ignoring me (long post)

Two years ago I met a friend on steam, which is a program you can play computer games on, it also has social networking capabilities. Ever since the friendship took off we've been talking about every other day give or take, but last Sunday he suddenly started to ignore me. After a bit of prodding he said he was mad at me, I tried to ask him what the problem was but he refused to say anything more. Now I unfortunately get real anxious when it comes to things like this, and spent the next 3 hours off and on trying to get him to say something to no avail. Eventually I gave up and didnt try again for two days, after talking at him for a bit he said that he was trying to decide if he wanted to continue being friends with me and that talking to him while he was upset wasn't helping the matter so I left it alone.

This whole thing has been making me stressed and anxious, and he knows it. I told him as much before I left him alone, but I didnt really need to tell him since he knows about that side of me. You may be asking yourself why I would put up with someone treating me this way and normally I wouldn't; this is the first time hes ever done this so I'm trying to get to the bottom of things and figure out what the deal is.

Last Wednesday I resolved to leave him alone for one week to let him get his thoughts together and yesterday I confronted him since the week was up. Still I got nothin, and because I had built that day up in my mind as the day something was going to give I got upset and pretty much asked him why hes bothering to keep me on his friendslist if he no longer wanted to be friends, among some other things.

I have a tendency to obsessively think about stuff like this, so its been on my mind almost constantly, though sometimes i feel myself beginning to become okay with us no longer talking, but only because I'm trying to be optimistic and wait for him to say something. I'm starting to internalize the fact that me trying to talk to him isnt going to get me anywhere, only he can stop this and get things moving again (I feel like im completely at his mercy though). If our friendship meant anything to him he'll eventually say something to me. I'm torn on that though because I feel like if I don't say anything he won't either and we'll no longer be friends. He doesn't like confrontation, and neither do I, but I feel like I just cant talk to him normally with this hanging over us, especially not with the way its making me feel emotionally. It would be like ignoring the elephant in the room.

If I had met him on facebook or something I'd be able to put this in the back of my mind until something happened because I barely use social networking sites. I get on steam a few hours every day though to play games and so does he, I can see hes online playing games with his other friend and the fact that hes online and ignoring me knowing damn well that we have an issue that needs to be resolved is really getting to me. Its getting to the point where I don't even want to get online because I know I'll have to face that pain again. Its like a little stab to my chest everytime that happens.

I asked him to remove me if he decided he no longer wanted to be friends so that I would know for sure, but he hasnt done that yet. He hasn't even blocked me yet despite the fact that I've sent him message after message. Since he refuses to talk to me, the fact that I'm on his friendslist after I've asked to be removed from it if he didnt want to be friends is the only thing I've been able to hang on to. At this point though I feel like I'm being given false hope. I've been starting to think that maybe hes come to a decision but can't be bothered to unfriend me. And to add to that, on his profile description he says that I'm a good friend of his, and I know that if he decides he no longer wants to associate with me that he'll remove that from his profile. That hasn't happened either which makes me feel like he still wants to be friends but just needs some more time. Though my pessimistic side is making me think that hes just forgotten that he put that on this profile and just hasn't removed it yet.

So my question for anyone reading is when should I begin to move on? I'd remove him myself but if I do that now I'd always be wondering if I waited just a little bit more would he decide he wanted to talk about whatever he was/is mad about. How long should I wait until I can deem the friendship over? So far its been a little over a week and a half since this started up. I've been reading around and some people say a month, some people say they'd keep trying to repair the friendship no matter how long it took, and say they would drop the person that was ignoring them the moment they decided to start giving them the silent treatment.

Hes my friend and I really don't want to let him go, but I'm really at a lost here.

I understand the over thinking things because I have done that myself, but I have realized that over thinking is a bad thing to do. Well, at least when I do it I imagine things that obviously are not true cause you do not know what someone else is thinking. In your post you remarked several times that you were going to leave your friend alone, but it never seemed like you did.
He told you that talking to him when he felt like that did not help but you did not like that answer. If that is What He Said then maybe you should listen rather then pushing it! I would not take your name off his friends list or any thing like that. Just let it go, if he wants to be your friend and you are still interested you can decide then. Just let him be!!!

I agree with curley. You've basically said that you're fine with staying friends and that you'd respect whatever decision he makes even though you value his friendship. Your best bet is to give him his space as he requested. It's really important you respect that. I know it's hard but it really won't move things in your favor by repeatedly going to him about it. Time will go on and he will make his decision, if he hasn't already. If he decides to open up about his issue and remain friends, that'd be great. But I will gently mention too, prepare yourself for if he decides not to continue being friends. Friendships are voluntary relationships; no one can force another person to be their friend. As for the advice you've been finding elsewhere, keep in mind that opinions on friendship vary individually. Sure, there is a general consensus most of us have about them but there is still room for different ideas.

For you hun:

I'll try. Trust me, I'm really trying to leave him alone. I haven't bothered him every day, I think since this thing started I've contacted him on several different occasions on 4 different days. If he had told me approximately how much time he would need I'd be able to leave him alone no problem. Its the fact that I'm being ignored thats driving me up the wall. I realize thats unrealistic though, if youre angry at someone (even a friend) youre not going to pop in every few days and give the other person a friendly status report. Even if youre aware the other person has anxiety.

Thanks for the hug

I'll try to let it go, no matter how much it bothers me. I'm tryin to come to terms with the fact that I might never know what sparked this in the first place. No matter how much I try to encourage him to talk about whatever it is though I can't force him to act until hes ready, if he ever decides to act at all. I just really hope that if he does come to a decision and decides he no longer wants to be friends that he would at least let it end on good terms and give it a respectful end like I asked in the beginning (or at least take me off his friendslist so im not kept wondering).

To be honest though I really don't think he'll end the friendship, but thats only because I can't think of anything I've done that would cause him to be angry at me in the first place. My optimistic side is at war with my pessimistic side though. All I can do is wait and hope this has a positive end.

I can understand how it must feel to know he is upset with you but you don't know why he is upset. It would help you so much if he would explain why but that is up to him and you cannot control his choice. Not knowing is hard.

I do agree with Yoda...it would be helpful if he told you why he was angry. The fact he doesn't, and doesn't mind keeping you hanging on is what bothers me. It sounds passive aggressive and manipulative, especially as he knows, just as you do, when you are both online, but he still chooses to ignore you.

Head games. Has he done this before? Maybe not to this extreme, but in a case where you felt off balance and hurt?

Honestly, it would piss me off. I do get that you feel (as does some on this thread) that maybe you pressed too much, and although you don't actually come out and say it, that you may have nagged. Well excuuuuuse me.......if a 'friend' of 2 years suddenly pulls the silent treatment, and when I ask quite honestly what I've done to upset them...and they refuse to tell me, but vaguely allude to another time when they may grace me with their presence and their reason for blatently ignoring me.....well, tough luck, darlin. I'm out.

I would suggest, even if he's been a friend for 2 years....FRIENDS don't do that to friends, especially if they know how this could adversely affect them....and frankly, MI or no MI...ignoring someone without at least letting them know why, would affect anyone.

IMHO.....just step away. And stop beating yourself up.

Thats what I've been telling myself, I can't control what he does and can only wait and hope for the best. Brooding and telling myself how rude and immature hes being is only going to make me feel worse.

He hasn't done anything like this before. The only times he would take his time replying to me would be while we were gaming, since he didnt want to stop in the middle of a match to type. He would wait until he died and was able to stop and reply, usually the wait would be no longer than 5 minutes.

This whole thing is making me angry, but I'm trying to put it in the back of my mind. I'll admit that I have probably tried a bit too hard to get him to talk because this behavior doesn't make a lick of sense to me, if I have a problem with someone I'm going to come right out and say it. Theres no point in trying to ignore the issue since that won't solve anything.

It's only been a week and a half and though I've been stressing out I'm trying to remain positive, I would like to believe hes going to come around since hes never done this (at least to me) before. I am bracing myself for the worst though and am trying to begin separating myself, if he wants to talk then I'm all for it, but I'm tired of trying to be friendly to him and getting that thrown back in my face.

Despite what I just said though I've been contemplating sending him one last message in a few days, maybe just trying to talk like normal without bringing this problem up (I definitely don't intend to forget though, I would like an explanation). Just about every time I've tried to talk to him in the past week I've tried to clear the air and get to the root of this problem, so maybe he feels pressured. He doesn't like confrontation (hes said himself hes a coward that would much rather sit in a corner and do nothing than face his problems) and the fact that I'm still on his friendslist and still listed as being a good friend on his profile description makes me think he still wants to be friends but just doesnt want to talk about this. I'm not sure if this is a good idea though.

I will say this though. If we do get this problem patched up and later on down the line he gives me the silent treatment again Im walking away. The only reason I'm even bothering to save things now is because its the first time hes done it. I feel like I've lost a little bit of my self respect trying to salvage things when hes treating me this way.

I totally get where you're coming from, but honestly, as good as he is at kicking you to the proverbial curb until he's ready...he's done it before, if not to you, then to someone.

I suggest STRONGLY...you DON'T contact him...not in a week, not in 2 weeks. Eventually, he may come around but if you continue to act like you're desperate to find out what's wrong (and contacting him again after you've already made several attempts) looks desperate, is a huge mistake.

Trust me on this (I have more experiance than I want, and wish I'd had someone to rein in my fears too, back then...I didn't and lost huge amounts of self-esteem, none of which I could afford to lose)...no contact. Let him make the first move. And if he does DO NOT FALL ALL OVER HIM IN GRATITUDE HE DID. You're right to distance yourself, if for no other reason than to save your emotional wounding.

Just try to step back a little, and gain some perspective.

Take care

I second waiting4's last response. It's in your best interest to treat him as he's treating you now. Do that for as long as you need to; as in for however long he does. It sucks to hear yet in my experience that's really the best approach. You now deserve two hugs ^.^:

I'll be making an honest attempt at taking you guys' approach and just leave him be and move on. I'm still afraid that if I stop trying to contact him then he'll never say anything himself, but from what i've already seen, even if I did say something to him theres no guarantee that he'll do the same. If our friendship means anything to him he'll speak up eventually and if he doesnt....well then theres no point in me trying to save a friendship that he doesnt care about.

Thanks for the support.

I initially didn't respond to this as it holds a strong reaction for me but I want to add a +1 for Waiting4. Although I think she and I are coming from the same place.

His actions do bother me a little because it seems as though he is very deliberately trying to punish you. Not just in a "I need time" kind of way.

If I remember rightly, doesn't steam have an offline mode? So you can play your games without being online in steam? If you could not see him in your FL it might help a little.

I agree, stepping away from someone who doesn't have the decency to be honest.

I'm not keen on the pushing to back of mind, concept.

Grieve, get angry, bemoan and then accept, life lesson learned and how to spot this sooner, next time.

:Hug:<3

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In my point of view I think that your friends don't want be your friend anymore but he is waiting for you to end it. You ask him and he doesn't answer. Yeah, I think he can't be honest and he wants you to do the dirty job. Maybe because then he can say to others that he is a good guy and you have broken the relationship.
It happens to me something like that and now my ex friend is telling she doesn't understand why I am being so bad with her...
And I simply have erase her of my life because is the kind of people that is smiling you at one side and is criticizing you at the other. I prefer being alone. I'm pretty sure of one thing, and this is that I want people around me I can trust. I am so old to waste my time.

Steam does have an offline mode, and I usually play most of my single player games while offline. I play a lot of tf2 though and thats a multiplayer shooter, so I can't play that offline. You also can change your status to offline without actually being offline which prevents people from talking to you (and you from seeing your friendslist). I do talk to a few others besides this person thats ignoring me so Im not too keen on changing my status to that. I've just been trying my hardest not to check my friendslist when im on so that I cant see that this friend is online and at the computer.

As for the possibility that he might be punishing me, Im not sure what to say to that. I don't think its likely since hes never done that to me before and I cant think of anything he would want to punish me for. At this point though I really can't say for sure thats not the case. I guess I'll have to deal with that whenever he starts talking to me again and if I feel like thats what he was doing I'll address it and take the appropriate actions.

The problem with this is that there weren't any warning signs that would allow me to spot it early on, this literally came out of nowhere. I guess thats the thing about internet friendships though, you can only see what the other person decides to show you (I guess that applies to people you can see in person too), for all I know hes done this before.

I have learned a little about myself through this experience though and will definitely be applying it to future friendships/relationships. Thats something positive at least.

You know, I wouldnt put that past him at all. Hes said before that he would rather hide in a corner and do nothing than face his problems. As far as I can tell though there arent any problems, though obviously theres something hes not happy about.

The only thing that makes me think he wants to be friends at this point is the fact that he hasnt removed the part on his profile description that says im one of his good friends. I know for sure the moment he decided to end the friendship that would be removed, even if he didnt want to tell me about his decision.

:Hug: If only others could just suck it up, and be honest. All the second guessing, coming up with scenarios, rationalizing without facts, not fair to you. And then, left guessing what's going on where he left you that way in his profile.
What's scary, people like that don't always grow out of it. Not without an honest desire to do so.
You wouldn't have any clues or indicators because it's all on him.
I hope you are able to grieve properly, even without his given reasons. :Hug:

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Exactly. I honestly don't see what good putting off talking about this issue is doing for him. All I can do is hope for the best, though I'm expecting the worse. If he does come to his senses and we patch things up I'm willing to give him a second chance, though the instant this happens again I'm removing myself from the situation. If things come to that I plan on being mature and explaining myself before moving on so hes not left wondering what happened, even if he wouldnt do that for me.

I've been thinking (despite trying to get this off my mind), my prior actions aren't stalker behavior are they? Its not like I've been following him around to different websites or anything and trying to talk to him. I haven't sent him endless messages every single day asking for a response. I don't believe I have been displaying stalker tendencies. Maybe trying to get him to talk to me a few times when he didnt want to talk might have been too much but it wasnt anything extreme.

Ok.
STOP.
BREATHE.

You don't sound stalkery, or over the top about how you have been trying to interact with this person, given it seem this all came out of the blue.

Speaking as a person who DOES often need time if she's angry before addressing the situation? I can still say that what is going on here smacks of manipulation of some sort.

I have often felt in the past that it is important to address a situation as quickly as is possible- the caveat being that if one is too upset, worked up, etc to be thoughtful in their words and actions, they take the time needed to get to that place.

If this person isn't there after over a week?
-They don't want to address whatever it is.
-The issue actually doesn't have much to do with you.
-There is not really an issue, they just kind of suck.
-something I'm not accounting for: always a possibility.

None of those are fun choices.

But it is completely unreasonable to hold someone off for that long. My cut off has always been at the most 48 hours, and that is if I am extremely upset, AND have other things that take priority, and am not feeling well, and and and.

The more you make someone wait, the more you put them at a disadvantage and manipulate them into a vulnerable position and that is not a nice, caring, fair thing to do. It creates an imbalance and, in my [obviously not at all humble] opinion, it should only be done if absolutely necessary.

It also seems like you just really have no idea why this person is suddenly upset with you. Which makes it even weirder.

If they are depressed or something, they should say they aren't feeling well- not that they are angry with you. And that's not your responsiblity to suss out someone who isn't being clear about what they are feeling.

Honestly?
I use steam, it's not impossible to refriend someone.

I would take them off my friend list. It is causing you great distress and it is unecessary, in my opinion.

Whether this person is angry at you or experiencing some major crises in their life or depressed or whatever else- regardless they are being extremely careless when even a very very simple explanation might alleviate some of the distress you are feeling.

They are being careless, stop putting yourself through that?

<3

I was thinking about unfriending him for the time being and then adding him later on, the only thing thats holding me back from that is what he else has on his profile, which is that hes not accepting any new friend request/group invites. If I did remove him though and tried to add him later on, if he refuses my invite then I guess I'd have my answer to this whole mess finally. Then again, I dont want to remove him and then have him get the idea that I don't want to be friends.

I'm really fighting the urge to just try and chat him up and attempt a normal conversation, partially out of fear of being rejected again and partially because I don't want to botch anything and have him prolong this silence. Its very possible that he just doesnt want to talk about what started this and the fact that I have attempted to get to the bottom of it every time I talked to him in the past is what hes bothered by. Maybe he thinks if he tries to talk to me I'm just going to immediately bring this all up and thats why he just doesnt say anything.

I'm just going in circles at this point and can't seem to find the strength to remove him. It'll be 3 weeks this Monday and while I'm not as distressed as I was the first day this started it Im still not completely at peace with myself. The fact that I'm still listed as a good friend on his profile is the only thing keeping my hopes up and if i removed him Im sure I'd be able to move on, but I just can't seem to do it. If things are going that way I'd like him to do it but who knows how long that'll take to happen if it happens at all.

Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment :/.

EDIT: You know, reading what I just typing and taking a look at my actions and feels these past few weeks this is all really one sided (which I've been aware of for awhile but it just hit me now). Why should I have to put so much effort into salvaging things when I havent done anything wrong (to my knowledge). If I have done something wrong I'll own up to it and apologize, but this isnt really fair at all. I've been acting really pathetic lately.

you could send him one last message and let him know that you'd still like to work things out but you aren't willing to wait around forever. tell him that if you don't hear from him in a week you'll consider the friendship over. then, if you don't hear from him unfriend him and move on as best you can. sorry your friend is handling this so poorly.

I think I'll do that once its been a month, it won't be long. Its getting easier surprisingly enough, instead of being really distressed now I'm just annoyed at his childish actions. I'm not completely sure he would read the message at this point though, but at least I would have made one last effort to patch things up.

Still hopin for the best though.