[marjan]

Please help me and advice me how to repair my relationship.

He's 44. I'm 40. He has two kids, 8 years old daughter and 6 years old son from previous marriage. I have good relationship with the kids and they love me. He's been separated for around 3 or 4 years and getting divorced in a month finally!
We have started dating a year and a half ago. and since then we've been seeing each other everyday. We traveled around 7 times together.
Shortly after we started dating, he moved in with his mom. Basically, I've never seen his place. He's mom has a small townhouse in a not very good neighborhood!
Since January, he moved with me. Before that he was staying at my place most of the time when he didn't have kids and then when he had even kids. Then I start getting frustrated to see the bills and I told him he got to pay. So he moved in and he pays!
Now, he has to move out again because of the kids' school being far from my house and his ex is complaining. He's moving back to his mother! Yes, at the age of 44, he wants to live with his mother!
These days, we argue a lot. He keeps threatening me that he will leave me. or he doesn't get married with me or no kids with me. But when he's good with me, he wants all these. He wants to get married, he wants to have child.
I have good relationship with his kids. His son is very spoiled and cries out of every single things.
He keeps teaching me what his son likes and what his daughter needs and what I have to do for him. I'm getting really tired of all the demands that he has.
I'm getting to the point that he doesn't add any value to my life, and he's taking my time away from me.
I really want to have a child and be married and have a life.
He makes good money, (he's a lawyer) but he spent the money on clothing and dinning out. Then he drives the dirtiest oldest car that I don't like to get into it.
I tell him to cut down some of your dinning out, and you can easily buy a new car. He doesn't care.
Basically, he doesn't have a house, or a good car. He has two kids which brings so much complexity to our relationship.
In one hand, I see him such a good person, caring, loving; but then when things don't go the way that he wants, he gets to be the meanest person exists.
I don't know what to do?
I'm thinking I'm getting really old to have a child and I feel he's my last chance, but at the same time he's taking my time (already a year and a half)!
It's not easy for me to break up with him. I'm so alone here.
What can I do? How can I communicate with him? He complains that I don't listen to him. The reason I don't is that whatever comes out of his mouth is criticizing and mean and I want to stop him. I beg him to give me a break and not talk for a little bit.
I feel he's hammering my head everyday.
I need some hope in my heart and understand how to deal with him. I know he's a good person. I want him in my life, but I got to figure out what to do.

Thanks for any positive feedback
M.

[hvert]

I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like communication is the issue here. This guy is in his 40s, has a decent job, but lives with his mother because his ex complained about him living with you and he spends all of his money on expensive clothes and food? There's just one red flag after another there. Is it possible that your clock ticking is driving you to desperation?

If you really want to be with him, I think the only thing you can do is accept that this is who he is and learn to live with it.

[gayleggg]

Dear Marjan, please listen to this man, he is telling you who he is. He's not a nice person if he treats you this way. He will not change. You would be better off moving on. I know it will be hard but unless you want to keep living like this it is you only choice.

[marjan]

I know he has so many red flags, but I know I was not able to meet anybody to love before. I was married and it didn't last even couple of years. At least with him, I have more common and interests. But yes, lately, he's treating me really poorly and I don't like it.
He's at my home and he brings his kids which he has 50% custody. Then he tells me what to do in my own home. Or sometimes, he tells me they are more comfortable when I'm not at home. Or he's asking me when I go for a vacation by myself then he can be relax at home (which is my home!).
I think my time passing is bothering me. Thinking that I've never been able to have kids or have a family. But at the same time, what is this broken family of his that I am adopting?
It was so good when I met him for the first few months, then once his kids got introduced to me and he moved in with me, everything has changed. The ugly truth has been revealed.
I still want to hang in here and see if things go better.
I think I need more friends. I don't have any family here and not many friends since I moved to US few years ago.
I feel this is my challenge. He's making me a better person by forcing me to be patient. I'm not sure if we end up together, but at least I will be a different person.
I wish I had at least one child.
I hope this month......
I know it might be wrong, but I want child more than anything else and it's getting really late. At the same time, I freak out when I think about being single mother!

[~Christina]

You deserve better .. He is using you and being mean about it. He isnt going to change why should he ? you are allowing him to treat you this way ...

Now a days you dont need to be married to have a child , You have options . Being a single mom is doable very doable .

Take care of you

[ChipperMonkey]

Maybe its just me, but it seems like he's using you. He's a lawyer who makes good money but can't afford a place of his own?!?! Ok, you're in Cali, but still. He bounces from your place to his mom's place, and drags the kids along with him? He needs to get his stuff together, and first of all that should be finding a stable home for himself and his kids. He bounced from his home with his wife, to his mom's house, to your house. Why should he be an adult when everyone else will take care of him? This is a HUGE red flag. Don't settle for this "adopted" family because you want a family of your own. There is still time to start a family, I just wouldn't do it with that guy.

[hvert]

If you have a kid with this guy, you will be stuck dealing with him for the rest of your life, even if he winds up living with his mother forever.

If he can't afford his own apartment, I am not sure how he can afford another child.

Does he know you are trying to get pregnant right now? It would be cruel and wrong to trick him, no matter how much you want your own child.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by hvert

If you have a kid with this guy, you will be stuck dealing with him for the rest of your life, even if he winds up living with his mother forever.

If he can't afford his own apartment, I am not sure how he can afford another child.

Does he know you are trying to get pregnant right now? It would be cruel and wrong to trick him, no matter how much you want your own child.

Yes he knows I want to have a child, but I'm not sure even if I want to have a child with him. It feels he's a child himself. And I'm not tricking him about it.

Originally Posted by marjan

I have good relationship with his kids.

I thought that is nice and then I saw this:

His son is very spoiled and cries out of every single things.

How do you have a good relationship with a child that you think so lowly of?

He keeps teaching me what his son likes and what his daughter needs and what I have to do for him. I'm getting really tired of all the demands that he has.

You're with a man with children, get used to it, he's trying to help you to deal with his kids since if you married him you would be marrying not just him but his kids too would be part of it. how is that too much to ask?

I'm getting to the point that he doesn't add any value to my life, and he's taking my time away from me.
I really want to have a child and be married and have a life.

Sounds more like the idea that you're worried more about whether you can get what you want out of him moreso than you're interested in spending your life with a guy you love. I see no love here, I see need and desperation for marriage and a child. You sure that you love him?

He makes good money, (he's a lawyer) but he spent the money on clothing and dinning out. Then he drives the dirtiest oldest car that I don't like to get into it.

Honestly, you're not even married to the guy yet and you're making judgements and expecting changes in him. Marriage and a relationship that works requires acceptance and support not trying to make the person fit into your set of values.

I tell him to cut down some of your dinning out, and you can easily buy a new car. He doesn't care.

A new car? Do you see what's happening here? you value a new car, he values other things. I myself do not see the point of a new car and I drive an 11 yr old one and I sure as heck hope the girl I meet will accept that this is my choice and doesn't try to change my perspective on this.

Basically, he doesn't have a house, or a good car. He has two kids which brings so much complexity to our relationship.

Not every man believes a new house and car is the end all I don't. I rent because I see no point in a house I can not take with me in the end. Right now I like living in an apartment and dont' have a need to own. I resent the idea that you would judge a man by his financial value.

In one hand, I see him such a good person, caring, loving; but then when things don't go the way that he wants, he gets to be the meanest person exists.

This is one area I would say that he is wrong in. I don't know the specifics related to his meanness at all so I can't comment but if he's mean that's not right. That being said, looking at all of the resentment and anger you have at him for his lifestyle I wonder how often he gets tired of hearing about how you think he should do this, that or the other thing.

I don't know what to do?
I'm thinking I'm getting really old to have a child and I feel he's my last chance, but at the same time he's taking my time (already a year and a half)!

This is the kicker here. You feel he is your last chance at what? marriage? Kids? I have yet to see that "this is the man I love, I want to spend the rest of my life with" kind of thing and more of "i need a kid now, I need to be married and YOU need to change x y and z so I can have that"

It's not easy for me to break up with him. I'm so alone here.
What can I do? How can I communicate with him? He complains that I don't listen to him. The reason I don't is that whatever comes out of his mouth is criticizing and mean and I want to stop him. I beg him to give me a break and not talk for a little bit.
I feel he's hammering my head everyday.
I need some hope in my heart and understand how to deal with him. I know he's a good person. I want him in my life, but I got to figure out what to do.

you're probably right, you need to back off and cool off from this for a bit. i don't see marriage in the making here at all, honestly.

This is not a judgement on him or you but truthfully I question your motives.

Thanks for any positive feedback
M.[/quote]

wow I must say to all.. I'm not sure how you all drew some of the conclusions you've come to. About the only thing that I see as a yellow flag from him is that he is living with his mother. Of course that was tempered by the fact that his ex wanted the kids closer to school and that was probablly the fastest way to do that. Also, nothing in here has given evidence that he can't afford a house but may just not want one right now. how is that a reason for you to judge a man? Honestly.

Also am I the only one that can see the side of the man here? EVerythin in here has shown that 1. She's desperate to get married, 2. Wants another child, 3. doesn't like the way he lives (which by the way doesn't allude to the fact that he's a deadbeat in any way) and continues to try to change the way he lives. How is it that everyone here has missed this?

I'm sorry but part of me thinks that he's only angry and mean because she's nagging him to change everything about him that he enjoys in life or values.

I've been there. I gave up a lot for women and did what they wanted me to do. I wasn't myself anymore and I was unhappy for much of my life with these women. Changing a man into something he's not is not going to cultivate a strong and lasting relationship, let along a good marriage.

Originally Posted by hvert

I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like communication is the issue here. This guy is in his 40s, has a decent job, but lives with his mother because his ex complained about him living with you and he spends all of his money on expensive clothes and food? There's just one red flag after another there. Is it possible that your clock ticking is driving you to desperation?

If you really want to be with him, I think the only thing you can do is accept that this is who he is and learn to live with it.

In context, his ex is complaining about the kids being too far from school. A valid reason for him to move it does not say she complained about him living with her at all.

So what if he spends his money on clothes and food? he is a single father and that's what he likes to do. WTF, don't see a red flag here. i'll be damned if a girlfriend of mine is going to tell me where to spend my money while i have my own finances to deal with.

What is wrong with an adult living with their parent unless it's in the context of he's never lived alone, never been married, is a mama's boy that can't do things for himself? In this context i don't see it, I see it as circumstantial that he ended up living with his mother. I highly doubt it's the above reasons and therefor I don't think he deserves this judgement.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

wow I must say to all.. I'm not sure how you all drew some of the conclusions you've come to. About the only thing that I see as a yellow flag from him is that he is living with his mother. Of course that was tempered by the fact that his ex wanted the kids closer to school and that was probablly the fastest way to do that. Also, nothing in here has given evidence that he can't afford a house but may just not want one right now. how is that a reason for you to judge a man? Honestly.

Also am I the only one that can see the side of the man here? EVerythin in here has shown that 1. She's desperate to get married, 2. Wants another child, 3. doesn't like the way he lives (which by the way doesn't allude to the fact that he's a deadbeat in any way) and continues to try to change the way he lives. How is it that everyone here has missed this?

I'm sorry but part of me thinks that he's only angry and mean because she's nagging him to change everything about him that he enjoys in life or values.

I've been there. I gave up a lot for women and did what they wanted me to do. I wasn't myself anymore and I was unhappy for much of my life with these women. Changing a man into something he's not is not going to cultivate a strong and lasting relationship, let along a good marriage.

My yellow flag, is.....the divorce isn't final.

You raise points here.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[hvert]

I was listing what the OP didn't like about him to illustrate that there isn't a communication problem. They have different lifestyles and very different values. She wants to get married and have babies. That's not the lifestyle he lives.

You aren't the only one that can see his side, but he is not the one asking for opinions. I do think we disagree about adult children who live at home when they have the means and competency to secure their own living arrangements and are not caretakers. A person who blames their ex for decisions they make about where to live is not someone I would want to marry.

[marjan]

To s4ndm4n2006:

I'm so sorry for you. Truly sorry for your anger and judgment about women.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to have kids and getting married. That's the best value ever.

The interesting point is while I was having an awesome time with him and his kids during the weekend, you were so angry writing so many comments here for me and attaching me.

Originally Posted by marjan

To s4ndm4n2006:

I'm so sorry for you. Truly sorry for your anger and judgment about women.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to have kids and getting married. That's the best value ever.

The interesting point is while I was having an awesome time with him and his kids during the weekend, you were so angry writing so many comments here for me and attaching me.

Sorry for my anger and judgement about women? Wow, that came out of left field. nothing I've said, was directed at women in general nor was it a form of hatred or judgement of women.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to get married or having kids. been married, had 3 kids, been there and would do it again with the right woman that was ready for it.

I hope you can understand my method of replying to posts here, I tend to come out as very outspoken(?), I try to be as honest as I can and objective as I see it, but I know sometimes that can be off putting and for that reason, I apologize.

Originally Posted by hvert

I was listing what the OP didn't like about him to illustrate that there isn't a communication problem. They have different lifestyles and very different values. She wants to get married and have babies. That's not the lifestyle he lives.

You aren't the only one that can see his side, but he is not the one asking for opinions. I do think we disagree about adult children who live at home when they have the means and competency to secure their own living arrangements and are not caretakers. A person who blames their ex for decisions they make about where to live is not someone I would want to marry.

Well all I have to say about adult children, is that it depends on the motivations, of which I cannot find here. No one here knows the entire circumstances for which he chose to move in with his mother and considering he had his own place prior to this shows that he's probably capable and willing to do so, which also tells me likely we are not seeing the whole picture. If he was, for lack of a better term, a "mama's boy", he would have probably already been living with his mom after the break up of the marriage.

I'm just saying without all the information and really knowing his motivations and intentions for future living it's a little hasty to judge.. at least for me.

[marjan]

Thanks for all the comments. Thanks for you guys to take your time and reply to my thread.

He is not a mama's boy or even close to that. My complain is that he doesn't make right decisions. He makes easy decisions which always lead us to not a good result.

And Yes, you guys don't know the whole picture.

I feel he's still suffering from the change that has happened in his life (divorce and losing the life style he used to have and living full time with his kids. These are not easy changes for sure!

Last night, he told me that he listen to me and he agrees with things that I tell him.

I can see how he's trusting me more and more in decisions making and I'm trusting him in lots of decisions as well.

I told him I want us to be partner and make right decisions together. I think that's how successful people do. Rather than being into each other faces and fighting.

I have been so good being able to control my emotions.

I feel things are going better as well.

M

Originally Posted by marjan

Thanks for all the comments. Thanks for you guys to take your time and reply to my thread.

He is not a mama's boy or even close to that. My complain is that he doesn't make right decisions. He makes easy decisions which always lead us to not a good result.

And Yes, you guys don't know the whole picture.

I feel he's still suffering from the change that has happened in his life (divorce and losing the life style he used to have and living full time with his kids. These are not easy changes for sure!

Last night, he told me that he listen to me and he agrees with things that I tell him.

I can see how he's trusting me more and more in decisions making and I'm trusting him in lots of decisions as well.

I told him I want us to be partner and make right decisions together. I think that's how successful people do. Rather than being into each other faces and fighting.

I have been so good being able to control my emotions.

I feel things are going better as well.

M

I understand and i'm glad you spoke to him about all of this.

On his decision making the best thing I think you can do is try to slow down for a bit. Either of two things will happen, you will accept how he is and learn to live with it or he will naturally change (assuming you're right about the things that need to change) as time goes on and he trusts you more. Either way taking your time with this and letting the relationship grow more will help. I just think having the goal of marriage itself isn't a bad one to keep just don't rush that to happen, that might help relieve a lot of pressure on him.