Husband uses me as one of his many excuses to his boss as to why he can't go to work

And it really pisses me off! He takes off work (without pay) at LEAST once a week. Usually because he's tired or he had an argument with a co-worker or because he just wants to play his video game. This has been going on for years. I see his texts to his boss and it's usually he hurt his back somehow. He fell on the ice, he lifted something the wrong way, he pulled it while fixing the car, etc. Then not only can he not go in that day, but then there's usually the follow up the next day of "I will be a few hours late because I have a doctor's appt first thing." Of course then come 8AM he texts again "Oh the doctor got me in to see the chiropractor at 10AM so I won't be in today." I mean really his boss must think he is the clumsiest guy around with weekly doctor's appts. He is in a union and has FMLA which always seems to work for him even if he's not sick so as long as he has a fake excuse he isn't getting fired.

Well last week he got up at 4AM as usual to go to work, but then decided he didn't want to go and texted his boss something. I didn't know what he said but he reset his alarm for 6AM like he was going in a few hours late. Well I got up at 6 and left at 7 and he was still asleep. I got home that night and checked his texts. His first text that morning to his boss was 'My wife's car isn't running well and she needs me to give her a ride to work. Will be in at 8AM." Well then at about 7:30 he texted him "Bad car issues. I'm on the side of the road with a broke down car waiting on a tow truck. Thought wife was crazy. Won't be in today". Okay so my car wasn't running well so you gave me a ride in in MY car and then it breaks down at the side of the road? That makes no sense! Wouldn't you take YOUR car to give me a ride?? And then to tell his boss that "Thought my wife was crazy" really irked me! Thought I was crazy about what? The car having fake issues?

So H works 2 hours of OT on Tuesday because they NEED to get this project done. When I get home Tuesday night he tells me that he needs to get to bed by 7 because he needs to be in by 3AM tomorrow to work early overtime so I should set the coffee pot to no later than 2:15. He also has a root canal appt at 10:45 so he will need to leave work at 10AM (and not go back afterwards, of course). Well right there with him being so adamant about getting to bed early I know he won't and I am pretty sure he won't be going to work at all. Sure enough he starts having a few drinks and playing his video game. At 8:30 I hear "Just 10 more minutes and I'll be in to bed". Well he doesn't come in until almost 9:30 and then sits up reading for 30 minutes. The alarm goes off at 2:30 and he of course resets it for his usual 4AM. Guess no overtime huh? Then at 4AM he turns it off, sits up in bed thinking about what he's going to do and then out comes the phone and he texts his boss something. Who knows what the excuse was this time. No work today and I mean why WOULD you go to work when you have an appt at 10:45...more than 5 hours after you start work?!

Then last night as cleaning up after dinner he tells me "Yeah I just couldn't get myself up for work this morning thanks to you bringing home that Fireball whiskey on a Tuesday. You NEED to bring that stuff home on Friday's not during the week okay." So it's MY fault that you had too much and couldn't get yourself up??!! I should have known that you couldn't drink it during the week? Was I holding a gun to your head and feeding you shots? You drink 4 or 5 beers every night and get by fine! You drink whiskey and water all the time and get by fine. But you do a few shots of fireball and it's all my fault? I say to him "Oh really? it's ALL MY FAULT?" He immediately goes into exasperated mode and goes "I'm just asking you this one simple thing. Could you please do that from now on?" I said "I can just go ahead and hide it from you" and I barely could get those words out before he goes "No how is that going to do any good? You'll still be drinking it". Really? Says who? So you don't want me to hide it from you but if it's there you're going to drink it. And it all comes down to being my fault you couldn't go to work! Classic!

Same thing this morning. He gets up at 4AM, gets dressed, goes out into the kitchen then apparently feels like he should text his boss with yet another made up reason he couldn't come in and comes back to bed and is currently still there as I am about to leave for work. I wonder what the excuse is this time? The dentist botched the root canal and he is in extreme pain and didn't sleep at all and therefore can't go to work? The dentist wants him to come back in today to do more work on it? Possibilities are endless. Oh and when I asked him how it went yesterday he told me it was great. He was out in about an hour and he has no pain.

Why do you stay with him? What are you getting out of the relationship? He's controlling, lazy, no work ethic, unhelpful, lies, etc. You can't change him but you can change yourself. He seems to blame you for a lot of ridiculous things.

If I were you I would think long and hard about continuing in a relationship like this. You have turned into more like his mother than his wife and yet you aren't allowed to socialize or have your own friends. If you don't have children together then you are less stuck than a lot of people. Life is too short to live like that.

I agree with Puglife ...

Hes acting like a 14 year old no wait!! I know tons of teenagers are more reliable.... You deserve a partner that will enhance your life not make life harder .

Hi Mapper,

I can certainly understand your frustration. Your husband has all the wrong things prioritized in his life right now. He lies to his boss, drinks at times he probably shouldn't, and plays video games excessively. However, I am not certain if all of this immediately adds up to someone who is lazy and uncaring although that is a possibility. Personally, I think these are symptoms of depression and extreme anxiety that he may be in denial about. It really doesn't sound like he enjoys his job very much and thus, he does whatever he can to avoid going to work. I am certain his boss is not buying into his excuses but obviously there is not much he can do about it. I think there is a good chance your husband is suffering some anxiety at work and missing work just makes it worse. He must realize his coworkers do not consider him reliable. Drinking and playing video games to excess are ways to avoid facing that uncomfortable reality. His behavior has compounded over time because the more work he misses, the more difficult is for him to feel accepted at work. It is easier just to make up excuses and not face the situation. The results of his depression and guilt are causing great frustration for you and harming your relationship. I think counseling and maybe even medication would probably help him out. Also, a job change might make a big difference even though I know that can pose challenges in and of itself. If he found a workplace or occupation that gave him greater satisfaction he might want to go into work rather than staying home. I am just offering an alternative perspective to consider. I hope things get better for both of you soon.

This sounds like one of those marriages from hell. He lies, he's lazy, irresponsible, doesn't hold himself accountable for anything, doesn't seemingly have much of anything to offer. How does he put food on the table when all he does is call out of work and plays video games all day? He really needs to grow up. Have you spoken to him about this?

Excuse making and blame laying, sounds like denial of reality. If you're frustrated, so must be his coworkers.

Doesn't sound like a healthy environment. Work ethic is atrocious. Sounds like he'd need to see the light or bottom out or both.

Have you considered couples counseling?

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Well I know he hates his job. He doesn't really hate the job, he hates the people he has to work with. Calls them idiots and everyone is always calling him out on not working when he's taking a break or something but NOBODY else ever gets called out. Always makes it seem like people pick on him for no reason. I bet they have every reason!

He has looked for other jobs in the factory. He has been there 6 years and just a few months ago made a huge pay jump up $12 to where he is maxed out. Leaving this company is not an option as there is no way he would find anything close to what he is making now with his lack of education. He has had several different jobs in the company and of course is never happy at any of them for too long because there's always at least one person he can't get along with. And it's NEVER his fault he can't get along with them either.

Definately sounds like he has serious issues...my ex who is NPD was very much like that...one job after another and all populated by co-workers who were 'idiots' and bosses who were 'incompetant'. I originally thought he must be right as he seemed so smart, knowledgable. I was wrong, of course. He was horridly insecure...and a typical Narc, so he made himself feel superior by putting down anyone who didn't agree with him-- of which I became one of many, eventually. Yours may not be NPD, but it does sound more like a PD, than just laziness.

He sounds like he could benifit from some sort of therapy but whether he'd be willing to go...another story. If you intend to stay with him, you'll just have to figure a way to accept it, because it doesn't sound like he's likely to change. If you don't want to accept it, I suggest therapy for yourself, and planning a way to extricate yourself from him and your situation.

Take care

Can I ask what NPD and PD stands for?

I'm so sorry! lol I tend to think everyone on this site knows...NPD stands for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. PD stands for Personality Disorder.

There are forums regarding NPD that are useful to read, but don't post there. And there is information regarding NPD also on this site..I recommend reading up, if you think it might be helpful.

In any case, take care of you, and your emotional health. He is evidently, at this time, incapable of helping you in that way.

Take care

Thank you. I have been on other sites as well and there was another person who said he may be suffering from this as well. He certainly does think he's right most of the time and is never to blame.

We are up to day 5 of him not going to work! So if he decides to go int he next two days he will have 4 days on his paycheck. It should be 10 days! I got home last night and H was in bed. He got up within a couple of minutes and didn't say more than 10 words to me in the first hour I was home. He was acting all sick. He tells me he has felt like he was going to throw up all day. Tells me he's been burping and pooping all day and only had 2 pieces of pizza and a hard cider all day and then dumps half the cider he was drinking down the drain in front of me just to show me how sick he is. Aw poor baby! Let me get out my little violin and play it for you! So now it wasn't just that you couldn't sleep all night it is now that you have just felt HORRIBLE all day. Then he sits around while I make a batch of pasta salad. I'm in the next room for 30 minutes making it and he has no clue. I get done and come into the living room with him and a few minutes later he goes to the fridge and goes "Oh when did you make this?" Um just now. He goes "Oh that sounds good and makes himself a big bowl of pasta salad and golly gee if he isn't already feeling better! He isn't acting sick at all and is joking and eating. He tells me he has one more sick day he can use tomorrow if he isn't feeling well. Gee I'm sure you won't be feeling well will you?! He cries wolf so much I don't know when he actually IS sick anymore! He just got his vacation and sick time renewed on his anniversary at the end of May and it hasn't even been 2 months and his sick time is gone and god knows how much, if any, vacation he has left! Now 10 months for you to take off how many unpaid days before you can take paid days again.

Maybe, just maybe, if he would actually do some projects while he was taking all this time off it could at least amount to something, but he hasn't done one thing. He had a 3 day weekend over the 4th and now a week off and hasn't touched the fire pit project that I keep hearing again and again "Oh we have GOT to get this done". If I hear that one more time without any action being taken I will scream. Add that to continually hearing about how we have got to learn how to pickle and how I need to look up how to pickle and I need to buy a picking kit. Notice how he says WE need to learn how to pickle but I have to look up how to do it and buy the kit! I have no desire to learn or do it. If you want to do it fine, but don't sit there and tell me that I need to. He has no patience with looking up how to do it so I should. A week off you could have had that done and a new gate put on the fence. Or you could have diagnosed what is wrong with your motorcycle. Or you could have gone to Lowes with your $100 gift card you keep saying you are going to go use and get materials for stuff but you don't leave the house. There was a house for sale two doors down when we bought ours and the guy moved in about a month later. That guy has been working non stop on his house and it looks great. H keeps talking to him saying" Oh yeah we're going to get to doing that here too pretty soon" I can't help but laugh and think "When? 10 years from now...if then?

It is to the point where I don't get mad anymore. He almost seems to find it funny how upset I get with him not working. I think I have to just push my anger away because if I don't it effects me in every other aspect of my life. I can't focus at work or at anything. It's gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. I know that I will have to pay all the bills and the mortgage. I know that he will just get deeper in debt. I don't want to divorce him. In fact, I just don't have it in me. I would honestly feel bad about the whole thing. I just want him to go to work everyday like every other person I know. That shouldn't be much to ask of a 46 year old man!

I just checked our phone records and see H got a text from his boss about 10:30 this morning. H replied back right away. I am dying to know what was said and I will check his phone when I get home while he is otherwise occupied. I am betting his manager said "So what's been going on? Why haven't you been at work?" to which H most likely replied "Oh I've been having REALLY bad back issues and have barely been able to get out of bed. Should be in tomorrow though". And he won't go in tomorrow...he'll just give him hope that he'll be there. Funny though because this whole thing started a week ago with him not able to come into work because he had a dentist appt. and has turned into this whole other thing.

I'll let everyone know what was said after I get a chance to look at the message. Any bets? This whole situation is so sad that it's become comical to me and I mine as well laugh than cry. I even try to Google "Husband has job and doesn't go to work but doesn't get fired" to see who else out there has this problem and nothing comes up. There's plenty of "Husband won't get a job" or "Husband can't keep a job" but nothing like what I'm dealing with!

Why won't you divorce him? Are you just going to spend the rest of your life complaining to him and about him and nagging and being frustrated?

Like I said, I don't have it in me. Even though he puts me through all this crap, I would feel bad about leaving him. He tells me how much he loves me and says we have the greatest life and all along I've been telling him the same thing. Yeah, if he went to work EVERY day and could pay his share of bills consistently it would be great. I guess I always think there's hope he'll change.

Resentment towards him will build over time... You may want to find a therapist to help you deal with all of this.

Good luck

Had to update you on what has happened since last Thursday. Found this out from reading his texts when he wasn't around. After not being at work for 7 days straight, he sends a message to his manager on Thursday afternoon around 2PM saying that he will report for duty tomorrow after stopping by medical at work and doctor has him on light duty for 2 weeks. Friday he goes to medical at 5AM (I thought he was once again pulling the crap of leaving for work but then just going to have breakfast somewhere until I left for work and then coming home) and at 5:45 sends a message to his manager saying "Oh just reread text from yesterday. Was going to come in after 8AM doctor appt and report to medical but then figured I should do that before my appt. Sorry I wasn't clear in previous text. Am at medical now." Wasn't CLEAR??!! You said NOTHING about a doctor's appt! And funny how he ALWAYS manages to get that fake 8AM appt every time! Manager texts him at about 7AM saying that if he is close by then to stop at his desk and "glad to have him back"! Really?? you are glad to have him back??? H stops by his desk and apparently they go over some days that he was out and H says that manager is trying to find some way to find fault in what he did and saying he didn't have it covered. Well duh! How the hell does he remember what excuse was used for what day? Then there's a text to manager at about 8:30 that is absolutely absurd! It says "In my haste to get here (doctor's office) I went to the wrong place. They will still see me but now am on standby and it may be a few hours. I may need an MRI. I'll just take off with sick time today and be in on Monday". OH MY GOD! How can he keep his lies straight?! He was right there at work and still left after being there for 2 hours and that was just for medical!

I realize that I don't confront him on this stuff and let him get away with a lot. Doesn't matter if I told him what I knew anyways because he would find a way to throw it back on me and make it look like I am the one at fault. But to see that his doctor continually lets him get out of work. Even H says "Oh doctor knows what's up. He just wants to do what I want". Then his boss letting him get away with obvious BS reasons as to why he can't be at work. H tells me that after this 2 week light duty he's going to go back to the doctor and tell him that his knee still hurts and needs to be on light duty for at least another month. He says he's got this whole plan worked out. Says the manager in this new area he'll be working in really loves him so he's going to try and get in with him and get transferred there. But then he told someone else the day before that he's trying to get on the crane crew. But then told someone else the day before that he wants to leave his job altogether and go work on the ferries. What DO you want?? The doctor told him that if his knee isn't better after keeping off of it for 2 weeks that he may need an MRI to see if the ACL is torn and if that's the case then he'd need surgery. I tell H that he IS going to get an MRI if things don't get better right? He goes "I don't have to get one. It's my choice." Really? So you want to continue with knee pain so you can continually get a light duty note from your doctor rather than fix it? And my guess is the doctor will continue to give him these notes as long as H wants him to.

How and why is everyone letting him get away with this crap??!! It's like everything lately is a lie or a half truth. I can't trust him anymore. Like right now I don't know if he is at work or just killing time somewhere until I leave for work and then coming home!

You do realize you let him get away with this as well, right? You can either complain and be resentful or take control of yourself and not put up with his lies, laziness and childish behavior.

Mapper, this sounds like such a crazy situation to deal with. I have to ask... are you in therapy now? Or, can you be? I think a *good* therapist could be a huge asset here in helping you deal with what's going on effectively.

I don't want to add more stress, but when you say, "I would feel bad leaving him" - that throws up such major red flags to me. And, honestly, since I don't know you or your husband in real life, I'm not comfortable reducing it, "just pick up and go" - but it's really hard to see how frustrated you are, how much your husband is not taking any sort of responsibility, and then to hear that you'd feel bad leaving him. *HE* should be the one feeling bad, not you! He should feel bad for lying to his boss, for not supporting you better, for not being an equal partner in the relationship, and if you leave - HE SHOULD FEEL BAD for HIS part of the failed marriage, NOT YOU. (But he doesn't, does he? So, why are you willing to take all the bad feelings on yourself, when this isn't your fault/responsibility?)

My sister is with a very long-term, live-in boyfriend... who hasn't worked for like, 7+ years at this point. She supports him. I mentioned this at my appointment with the new T, and he said something to me like... "you do realize people like this FIND each other, right? Basically, if your sister were a healthier person... she'd recognize that this was wrong, and wouldn't let it continue. She'd tell him he either needs to start taking steps to find a job, like send out 3 resumes this week, for example, or she'd kick him out."

I think the problem is, you can't force someone to change. They have to recognize a problem and be motivated to find a solution. Your husband doesn't recognize the problem. Heck, things may be GREAT as far as he's concerned. And why not - not only is he getting away with not working, you're enabling him to do that (supporting him financially, cooking for him, whatever).

But, YOU see that there's a problem... or you wouldn't be this upset and frustrated by it. So... I don't know, I get that it feels bad to be tough with him, but I wonder if there are some things you could start doing, some boundaries you could set, that might help you feel better? (This is where I think a good T could help, I'm rotten with this stuff!)

Things like...

- Setting up consequences for him lying to his boss about time off work? (I'm not sure how to do this effectively?)

- Setting up consequences for him skipping work without a real medical reason (maybe telling him flat-out, "since you're not sick and you're not working, I expect you do these things around the house: fix that, cook dinner, clean up the kitchen... etc. Make it specific.)

- Getting him into counseling?

I don't know, relationships and boundaries are REALLY not my strength. I don't know, I'd probably just flat out tell him that this isn't working, list the changes you expect, and tell him if he can't get it together, you're out of there. Then, you don't have any reason to feel bad for leaving him... if you tell him ahead of time, "I need X, Y, and Z behaviors. These are important to us functioning well as a couple. If you do not do these, I will leave." - at that point, if he doesn't do them, he KNOWS that the consequence will be you leaving, so the decision is really his. If he keeps screwing up, he's basically saying, "Skipping work and playing video games are more important to me than my marriage" - in which case, there is no need for guilt from you.

Sorry if I got a bit carried away, I'm in a stressed place myself right now... hope this helps, but if not, feel free to toss it!

Good luck!

Alcohol is a big problem here and you are enabling him. His coworkers resent him in a big way and it's no wonder he feels they are against him. They have every right to be. That just makes him feel worse about himself and want to avoid work even more. He will eventually lose this job... and blame everyone but himself. And you will suffer for it. Sobriety is the answer.

Unless the union decides to disband at his job, he will never lose it. He has been doing this no working for days/weeks at a time for a good 3 years now and all he gets when he finally decides to return is "Hope you are okay. Glad to have you back!" He even beat out 4 other people for a desk job rather than factory floor job over a year ago becasue all the managers thought he'd be great at it! However that soon went to hell because he couldn't stand his manager and then took a month off without pay so they'd let him step down from the position...ya know because nobody would listen to him otherwise! I bet he manages 3 months out of every year without pay!

Your allowing him to do all this . If your already paying for everything .. why bother having him around .. Unless you enjoy all his lies ?

I just dont understand ? Do you have children with him ?