I'm insecure about my boyfriend's ex and could really use some advice

I apologize in advance if this is a bit of a long read.

Background of us: I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 29. We've been together almost three months and things are going really well. We spend a lot of time together, we're open with each other, he's supportive of me and my career goals, and he's introduced me to his family. The only problem is we both have insecurity issues. Mine stem from past relationships and my own self worth. His stem from the fact that he was a big guy all his life, but in the past year has been working out and went from 320 to 220 pounds (he's 6'1''). He's the middle child and has four siblings and he was never given the attention or praise his younger brothers were. In general, he has some issues around feeling wanted, loved, and appreciated for who he is.

Background of him and his ex: He's a serial monogamist and has been in three longterm relationships in the past 8 years. The third relationship was with a girl named S and it ended last winter. He's never trash talked her but he's made it clear to me that they weren't right for each other and she didn't treat him well. She cheated on him and was emotionally manipulative but yet he still loved her. I don’t know how that works but I’m not a psychologist. After they broke up, he rebounded with his second ex and then in January of this year he cheated on the second ex with S. He was upfront about this with me very early on and assured me that he never plans to do that again and hasn't forgiven himself for what he did. He feels that as bad as S was to him, he can't judge her because he cheated on the second ex with her. They still occasionally talk over email (he was upfront with me about this too). When he told me all of this, I was clearly not 100% ok with it and he offered to cut contact with her if it makes me uncomfortable but I didn't feel right asking him to.

The current situation: He always leaves his phone next to me when we're sleeping (the outlet is on my side of the bed) and he never leaves it locked. I made the mistake of going through his phone last week (I know that wasn't right) and I found that he and S talk weekly over email. It's all friendly correspondence and he did mention me to her (she's also dating someone) and it's almost always her initiating conversation. There was no discussion about meeting up and no romantic exchanges. The only reason I was bothered was the frequency of communication and the fact that seems engaged (i.e. not just two word responses). We talked about her over the weekend (I brought her up) and he was very open to hearing my thoughts. I told him I'm afraid he might repeat his past mistake with me and he was a bit on the defensive, saying he doesn't want to feel judged for his past. Then we talked about her again last night and I told him I feel very insecure about their correspondence and I need reassurance that his feelings for her are in the past. He was less on the defensive this time and very loving and gentle. He told me I'm the only person he wants to be with and that he doesn't need to talk to her. Again, I couldn't bring myself to ask him to stop talking to her so I told him he should make his own decision.

I guess my issue with this is I can't understand why he would maintain contact with an ex who treated him as badly as he said she did. I wonder if it's because she ripped him of his self esteem, and now he's trying to piece it back together. It's weird how it works but I talked to my therapist about this last night and she helped me understand. Sometimes you go back to your abuser to understand why it is they abused you and to regain some sense of control. Has anyone ever been through something similar and can offer me some advice? I'd really appreciate it.

Yes, I have to agree with your T, with one caveat....I did the same thing....years ago...just to 'understand' and gain 'closure'.....and eventually, for me, it turned into also wanting acceptance and since he was so good at being good when he wanted to be, he turned on the charm and I went back.......to 2 more months of horrendous abuse. I left for the last time and never looked back.

Not to say what he is doing will have the same result, but honestly, if she is an ex, whilst talking occasionally is totally understandable....regular weekly, long texts seems a bit excessive to me. It would definitely be so for me, were it my bf. She is an 'ex' for a reason and unless he wants me to join the club, he needs to cease and desist. Somehow, I don't quite believe her new bf would entirely appreciate the attention she's paying to HER ex either.

IMO you should stop being so 'understanding' of the shoes he's walking in, and say what you feel instead of allowing resentment and concern to build up to the point you're asking your T to explain why it's okay for him to do this, and cause these feelings your having in the first place.

In other words...TELL him, it makes you uncomfortable and that the constant texting is inappropriate. Period.

THEN if he goes on the defensive....you have an issue worthy of asking your T about.

Take care....

I'm sorry but I really have to defend your boyfriend here. Lets look at some bullet points

- He told you about his infidelity in another relationship when he didn't have to.
- He told you that he still talks to his ex
- He leaves his phone unlocked where you can read hi messages without him knowing
- He offered to cut contact with her for you

I'm sorry but the only one in the wrong here IMO is you. You snooped through his phone and are using what you found (which he told you was there and is completely innocent btw) to justify your preset notions that he is going to cheat on you. You haven't found any evidence of anything bad yet you persist in this idea. Not exactly fair and definitely not supportive.

It could be that him and his ex are better friends then they ever were lovers and he values her insight and opinion. The idea that he should cut off contact just because she is an ex is not very rational either. If he is going to cheat it could be any woman.

You need to make the decision whether or not you can trust him because if you continue to be suspicious when there is no reason to be. You will continually be looking for reasons to mistrust him and it will all end very painfully for both of you. Personally I think that you should tell him you snooped in his phone and tell him to put a password on it so that you won't do it again because you will do it again. You can't expect to be able to trust him if he can't trust you.

Well, in this Soccerdad, we disagree lol But on a positive note, it does provide the OP with two seperate opinions, and for two..IMO, solid reasons...so there's that

Thanks. Its always preferable to disagree in a nice way

Ive gone back to communicate with me exs too. Not to get back together but as your T said to get some closure and try to understand why it was they hurt me. I think its good that he is open with you are willing to talk about it. Communication is key to good relationship.

You're right, he's been very upfront with me about everything. That said, your point that he may value her insight and opinion is difficult for me to comprehend and accept, given that he has told me so many times how badly she treated him and how much she messed him up. With that baggage, why would he care about her insights or opinions? It just doesn't make any sense to me. But maybe even he doesn't even fully understand why he's still talking to her. We talked about it on Thursday night, and he told me that he doesn't need to talk to her. I said "it's up to you" and rolled away from him in bed. He looked so unbelievably sad when I did that, and then the conversation just ended. At this point he knows my feelings on the situation and he has to make a decision.

Meanwhile, I know that I have to just trust him or walk away. I've met his family, he's learning my native language this summer (he's already somewhat conversational in it but wants to get fluent), he wants to take dance classes with me, he's been incredibly supportive through my ups and downs with my career, and he tells me all the time how much he likes me and how lucky he is to have found me. I either let my insecurities get the best of me, or I have to trust and know in my heart that his feelings for me are true.

Let me paint 2 scenarios for you. Your boyfriend has an ex who he was with for a long time and he tells you about it.

1) Oh we were great friends and I was so in love with her but she ended it and I still love her.

2) It didn't end very well. We fought a lot and she was horrible to me and I really didn't love her at the end.

Which is the way you would want it to have ended?

I'm not saying that your bf is lying to you but he may be trying to spare you some anxiety if he knows that you have a tendency to be insecure. He may have exaggerated how badly it ended between the two of them to spare you a little stress.

With that said and ex is a great person to talk to about current relationships (as long as you are still friends). They know everything about you and will tell you things that other people can't or won't. Also they are great for talking to about problems in the relationship because they have a different insight into your personality and have been in the same situation with you before. They usually are more serious and measured then friends who might just tell you to forget it and move on.

It may be hard but if you love him the perceived threat that you see is not a real one and should be forgotten. Maybe one day it could be a real problem but so could slipping in the shower or being hit by a bus but you can't live your life worrying about the bad that could happen because then you miss out on all kinds of good.Also when you start dictating who your partner can and can't talk to without a real reason you are crossing that boundary between partner and property.

Sorry soccerdad, I personally view it as emotional infidelity. She, the OP in midst of excusing behavior that to her damages the relationship. This isn't judging his past behavior, it's in the here and now. She states she's been open and upfront about her discomfort.
Her T raises a very valid point and her bf is man enough to end it...very commendable.

It will take some work on OP's part to move past, won't be overnight. Involves a sense of betrayal. But, again, her bf said he'll stop communication, perhaps, something nagged at him, a sense of discomfort?

And it is exactly that way of thinking which causes dishonesty in relationships. You should never make your partner choose you over a friend regardless of the background (cheating aside). What happens if he develops a new relationship with a cute co-worker? A gay friend? An attractive neighbor? The fact is there are people that we will all find threatening that will develop (friendly) relationships with our partners. If you are not secure enough to handle that then you should not be in a relationship until you can accept the fact that men and women can just be friends.

Also I fail to see how this is emotional infidelity. The OP didn't say that he was confiding things in his ex that he wasn't telling her. Just that they e-mail back and forth. Also the OP said that she has seen the e-mails and saw nothing bad at all. Basically what it comes down to is that everyone has already judged him because he cheated in a previous relationship and everyone just assumes he is going to do it again. Emotional infidelity is telling someone things you don't tell your partner, confiding in them, talking sweetly with them, calling them honey, sweetie etc. If he is doing that then by all means convict him

The point of this whole forum is to help people change for the better but the ironic thing is that we always are very empathetic with the posters and believe that they can change but here we are just saying that he can't change and will do it again. He made a mistake just like she did in snooping through his phone but there is no forgiveness for him and there is the belief that he should be punished by cutting off a relationship that obviously means something to him. Worst of all there seems to be a belief that invading a partners privacy is alright to do regardless of what you find.

If she wants to put undue stress on her relationship because of a threat that has not developed and may never will then that is up to her but too many people ruin relationships based on things that could happen. If people focused more on what happened on the inside of relationships rather than on what happens outside them then there would be way more happiness and a lot less stress out there. Enjoy what you have but don't worry about losing it. Whats that saying? The tighter you hold on to something the more it slips through your fingers.

Ummm...in the OP, this 'friend' , was a former romantic love interest.

I tuned out on hearing what should or shouldn't be done...

I'll get back to this later

Should she have glanced then read his phone, when it was left open n her side of the bed? No. That does invade privacy.

I feel that you just quoted me, soccerdad to give a lecture on relationships and trust and honesty. A soap box.

I'll be honest, I have said I will not tolerate being in a relationship with a man, who was having near daily phone and text with a woman he'd planned to spend the rest of his life with, who never followed through on meeting. ..
Kept happening while I was at work, and frankly, seeing some of the love expressions online..by her. i was called insecure and selfish for saying she goes or I do. Didn't have issue with other friends, just that one..

Considering both yours and my own relationship history, can you see how going for each others moral righteousness won't work here?

I need to know...

So her discomfort doesn't continue to grow, stuffed down and painfully so, for not wanting to be 'that' woman who says no to exes, or just this one in particular. .
Invading privacy doesn't make things right, but where, then, are people allowed to draw lines and boundaries?

They don't have to be each other's only friends, but with all this private conversing, where's the time for each other, work, hobbies, family and couple friend time?

A relationship is never just bad or just good experiences. Your boyfriend and his ex also were together in "crime" cheating on S and presumably "enjoying" it or one or the other would not have done it. They have a history that we cannot know because we were not part of it. Relationships that "end" well still often have bad/rough spots? People cheat and their significant others forgive them and they work through the betrayal together and get to a different spot in their relationship. Love is not completely rational where one can say, if someone cheats, then the other must feel X/cannot continue to love. There are always more feelings and interactions going on than just the obvious ones. That you refer to his ex as "abusing" him I think speaks more of your feelings after his telling you his experiences than about his feelings of his actual experiences? He does not necessarily feel "abused" because he was cheated on or the degree to which he feels something does not necessarily match what we might feel in that situation.

It is easy for me to imagine how I would feel in a situation and then assume other people feel the same way I do, whether or not I have ever been in that sort of situation. I remember when I was young and swore I would never date a married man and dated two, my husband being the second. I try to keep away now from deciding what I would/would not do in a situation I am not currently in or maybe have never been in. Being in an experience and then seeing how I do in fact respond is the actual, the reality of the experience, not my thinking about it.

You can draw lines and have boundaries all you want but as with every decision it has consequences. If you say no to this friend that what about the next one? Is he allowed to be upset about losing this connection? What if he begins to feel resentment towards her for forcing him to cut it off.

I don't know him. Maybe he is going to cheat, maybe he already has, maybe he never will but from what she has said he hasn't done anything and doesn't intend on it. I spent the first 10 yrs of my marriage under the accusation that I had cheated or was going to. There was no reason for my wife to think I was cheating but she was continually suspicious. Checking my e-mails, texts, listening in on phone calls and as soon as she found something she could construe into something bad she confronted me and we fought. This was a constant thing. In her mind every woman I talked to was a potential threat and it started with ex-girlfriends and then grew from there. These days with facebook and every other social network it is hard to not be in contact with ex's on some level. This is the main reason why there are problems in my relationship.

I know my history and what I have done but I also know that when you are under constant suspicion of cheating when you are innocent it takes a toll and you begin to wonder what the point of staying faithful is. To this day I wonder how things would have been had we not fought about those things and I had felt trusted. People say that I lost her trust but the fact of the matter is that I never had it.

This is why I preach that you should always trust and assume things are fine unless confronted with real evidence. Its a bad evil world and we always have a tendency to protect ourselves from what we think might happen. There is nothing wrong with that at all but when you start creating evidence or rationalizing it to point towards a result that you have preconceived then it has moved from self preservation to self destruction. Everyone deserves to be happy but the only person that can make you happy is you.

If she goes ahead and allows him to cut off communication with his ex then 2 things will happen either 1) She thinks its ok to dictate who he can associate with and it creates problems down the road when she has a problem with someone else or 2) He continues to talk to his ex behind her back which regardless of it stays innocent or not is not a good thing because it will come out eventually.

You may not agree with it but thats my opinion. Never meant to offend anyone, sorry if I have.

Why can't there be a number 3 or 4, for possibilities? 3)He could be fine, was looking for an out, albeit now has gf as reason? 4) she doesn't harbor resentment in future because in trying to play it cool, it was eating at her and she was glad he cut off communication?

I've been on the severe accusation level as you. Even eye contact was taboo and guilt/ shame inducing.

I've been the best friend hearing all marital then relationship ups and downs of a man, before.

So long as the OP, heads to the future eyes open, meaning aware of her own conduct, not seeking and assuming trouble, she may be fine.
There are, at times, toxins to relationships. ..
Sometimes, it's not ok to invite uncle bob to the home, without other relatives or until his behavior isn't creating strife, as an analogy...

Not all women and all insecurities are similar to your wife

As far as possibility #2, for the record, you don't want to know what I told my bff, is the solution. ..
The zone... as far as my scenario goes...after the move

If he decides not to talk to her anymore because he is making his gf uncomfortable then thats fine and a #3 and #4 are possible. If he does it because he is "forced" to then there can be no #3 or #4. Once a partner feels forced into a certain direction then resentment is inevitable.

May I cut in here?

Soccerdad is onto something, a few things actually.

1. Bf doesn't need an "out" to stop talking to his ex, he has free will. And if he doesn't have much of a backbone, just having a gf is enough of an out if he wanted to use that excuse.

2. Bf WILL inevitably feel forced and maybe even resentful. Why? Because as it stands now, it clearly isn't his choice. If it were he would've made it long ago.
With or without gf's discomfort.

3. I sympathise I do. I know what it feels like to be insecure over an ex, even though their relationship was short lived (2 months) and yes I wanted to demand bf never speak to her again. But!!!

3.1 Bf explained that they broke up because they were mismatched as a couple but made much better friends.

3.2 Who am I to dictate who he can be friends with? I have tons of male friends and insecurity aside, I'm sooo not THE type

3.3 I realised that my insecurity was just that. Mine. Something I needed to deal with and not make him responsible for fixing.

What did I do? I actively decided to stop creating issues where there were none.
To trust what I saw infront of me, instead of question what I thought I might not be seeing.

It all boils down to trust.

OP. If you can't find a way to trust your bf yet choose to stay with him, well then I suggest you go ahead and tell him to cut off contact with his ex.
Who knows maybe it doesn't blow up in your face, maybe your bf likes being told what to do.
Seriously, some people are into that.

If he's lucky, maybe then he will be deemed worthy of your trust.