How do I forgive and trust again? :(

My husband and I have barely been married a yr and a half and just can't trust him. We have had a couple run ins with infidelity early on in our marriage, and I've tried and tried to trust him again, but I can't. I cannot forget the Horrid thing he did and the conversations I've seen between him and other women. No matter how many times he apologizes, how much he swears to me he is 100% faithful to me now and will never hurt me again, or how good some days are. I just can't bring myself to forgive and move on. I do love him with everything In me and I know he loves me., but I can't take getting hurt again. He's so clever and has so many opportunities everyday to be unfaithful, but swears he doesn't. I know there is no way for me to know what's in his mind- whether or not he's telling the truth- besides using my instincts. My instincts tell me he's a liar and always will be, but should I listen to the words he tells me? Should I focus on moving on in our relationship and building a better future or should I heed my gut's warning and end it? Either way- HOW???? Please help me/us.

* much sadness *

HUGS of support. Sorry no easy answer for this one.

It's very hard to trust again when trust has been broken. To experience infidelity in such a new marriage is reason for anyone to stand up and take a good hard look. It's a personal decision that you alone must make. If it were me and I was just starting out it would be hard to stay. Best of luck to you.

Is couples counselling a possibility? If he wants to help you believe him and wants the two of you together, then I would suggest it. It certainly can't do any more damage than he has evidently done to your self-esteem. At the end of the day, of course, it has to be up to BOTH of you to want to save your marriage.

Take care...

If it were me? I wouldn't, just couldn't stay.

All I would be thinking is, that my husband has officially set the tone of the rest of our marriage, for the rest of our lives.

I mean if it were years later into our marriage? Sure I could buy that he was unhappy, bored, even unattracted to me, or whatever his excuse. I would then probably (depending on his reasoning) be willing to do couples counselling and work on repairing the trust that he had broken, to salvage some of what once was between us, and to hopefully build something better, something stronger.

But to start our marriage off on the bitter note of betrayal?

No way, I mean was marrying me so horrid that you had to console yourself by cheating on me before our honeymoon bliss even wears off?
And what exactly are we repairing if it was broken to begin with? What is there to work so hard toward salvaging?

If it were me? Nope, not a snowball's frucking chance in hell. I would leave.

Buuut, that's just my perspective, my hypothetical reasoning here, I'm not presuming to tell you what to do, I don't have to live with the consequences. You do.

I'm really sorry he did this to you, it breaks my heart to hear that one of the most blissful times in your life was ripped from you and tainted with such deep betrayal.

Whatever you decide to do, I sincerely hope it leads to a much happier road, filled with love, loyalty and laughter, because you are worth so much more than this and deserve much better than what you've been handed.

i don't know who said it but i heard a line that goes something like this.."when a person shows you who they are..believe them"

with the marriage being so new this is totally uncalled for & if i were you i would get out.

it's not worth it worrying about what's going to happen every time he leaves the house..no one deserves to live like that.

if you are going to be married..you need to be faithful..that's it. kinda the bedrock of a marriage to me.

i would just be done.

I, personally, wouldn't be able to stay.

He shattered the sanctity of your vows. During the honeymoon phase.

Couples counseling is an option and we've discussed it, but It will only work if everyone cooperates and is 100% honest, and I don't think he will be. He knows how to say all the things I want to hear to end the conversation. Leaving seems like an easy decision, but I believe In marriage and the vows I made. For better or for worse till death do us part. If I leave I'm breaking my vows too. Also I can't live without him. I'm sure people say that all the time, but I honestly don't know how. I'm honestly only staying alive at this point because I can't leave my dogs. I just can't believe this is happening to me. I try to trick myself sometimes- saying it's not true- everything's fine, that we are the couple everyone wishes they were. On the surface we are. Everyone tells us we are made for each other and loves us as a couple. And where am I supposed to go? I have nothing to my name, I can't quit my job and take off... I could go on, but I think the point was made.
The instance Happened over a year ago while I was on bed rest going through a tubal pregnancy ( yes it was his). He apologized and said he felt horrible, and I tried to get over it, but it's as enough that he did it let alone while I was miscarrying his first child. It's just gotten worse since then and now I don't believe a word he says. Even if it's 100% varifiable. Every time he gets on his phone, every time he goes in the bathroom, every time I leave the house. (I have a job. He is self employed) I wonder what he's doing, who he's tLking to, where he goes when I'm not around. My heart is so shattered. I don't want to feel this way, but if I leave the feeling won't go away only he will. Also every time I start to leave he pulls his gun out and threatens to kill himself. If he does, I could never live with myself.

You are being manipulated and emotionally abused into staying, you have been conditioned to think you need him to survive. It happens.

I believe in vows too, but I doubt the "worse" pertains to "even though I disrespect you or treat you like shyt"... I'm sure its more about experiencing the hard stuff in life and sticking together through it all. Hard stuff like health problems, financial difficulties, family issues, relationship hurdles.

But what do I know? I didn't invent those vows, but that's how I interpret them.

I'm really sorry you feel so helpless and so hopeless.

Wow...no matter what he's done, Pittymom....YOU are the one who needs help here. What you've gone thru, the tubal pregnancy (which is awful in so many ways both physically and emotionally) and then on top of it...literally, his infidelity.....I absolutely understand why you would feel as you do.

Never mind him, or your marriage...both of those need to be put on the back burner for now. Perspective, darlin. YOU need to see someone to help YOU with this horrible time you've been thru...the events are traumatic and it's no wonder you are so hurt. Please Please Please....find a therapist for yourself....you need someone...YOU need someone...fruck him...fruck the marriage if it ends up that way. You can't continue to feel this awful hurt, and you deserve someone to help you.

Once YOU'RE better....then you can decide what you want of your life, your marriage, your husband. Right now.....you are the important one. You matter...your hurt matters...your disillusionment matters.

Please help yourself. Stop trying to put the shards back together with sticky tape....you already know it's not working. Please help yourself first.

The rest, can wait. For YOU.

Excellent actually.

I agree 100%

Get help for yourself, a therapist can help you process all this trauma and help you heal from all this unbearable hurt.

Once you have taken care of YOU, then you'll be in a position to be able to make the important HEALTHY decisions regarding your marriage.

I havent figured out how to forgive and trust again myself and

I understand your pain.

Your gut is probably right and just breaking it off seems impossible.

Focus on yourself in every way. Mentally seek counseling. Work on goals.
Gain confidence. Allow yourself to be more and more occupied with yourself, your own needs and wants.
Tell yourself whats done is done and now you need to heal and take care of yourself. Relationship is on the back burner for now.
Dont talk about it anymore. Focus on letting it go.

Not for him or to save the relationship , but for yourself.

He made that choice. Nothing can undue it.
Lighten the emotional weight little by little.
Creating distance and becoming more and more independent is important so that when the time comes you will feel much stronger and confident about your decision and leaving him will no longer feel impossible.

My heart goes out to you

I am stuck and cannot get past the realization that my fiance has cheated on me. My best friend who swore his love and fidelity when he put the ring on my finger only to destroy the trust and promises he made.
I have nightmares and such intrusive thoughts on a daily basis of what he did. I feel ugly, insecure, depressed and I could go on. I compare myself to her and question every detail of our relationship when something is different wondering if that is what he did with her. There are triggers all around and knowing he said and did the same things with her that he said and did with me has nearly destroyed me. What used to make me feel special and loved now is meaningless.
The worst part is how he flaunted it right in front of me not even trying to hide it. Lying about the numerous times he pretended to break it off. It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on and on about how beautiful she was and how she made him feel, comparing me to her. He completely blamed me for the affair saying it was of all the anger he felt towards me because he had to go for help with the issues he was having.
I did break things off with him and that is when he begged me to forgive him and give him a second chance. Reluctantly I did and part of me regrets it and wishes I never even met him. I feel the resentment building everyday.
We are planning on getting married soon and reading through the ceremony just leaves me numb, there are no feelings of love or joy.
I know for my own sanity I need to forgive him because I am starting to despise myself and am becoming very bitter and paranoid. Before this I accepted myself and was a forgiving and easy going person, always believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I had faith and trust in people, now all that has been taken away and I don't like the person I am becoming.
I don't know whether it is even worth trying to continue to fight to salvage what is left and is it even possible to get beyond the depths of the pain I feel. If so how do you do it?