Extremely Allergic to my Girlfriend's Dog

So my first post on this site asking for advice is a relatively small issue in my life, but depending on how you look at it, it's also a pretty important one.

I start college in less than five days, and I move in with my girlfriend into our new apartment in early September. I'm very excited to make this move; we love each other and enjoy each other's company. I can find only one major issue that I'm sure is going to arise: the dog.

My girlfriend has bipolar disorder. She's being treated and is probably the most calm and stable person I know. Her dog is an emotional support animal as well as a beloved pet. I, on the other hand, am not only decidedly NOT an animal person, but am also incredibly allergic to cats and dogs. I find that whenever I get around my girlfriend's dog, I experience very aggressive sneezing and itchy eyes, and sometimes I've had trouble breathing.

My girlfriend sleeps with the dog on the bed. Under the covers. This is my bone of contention, and I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable. I researched this subject and read from a few sources that it's very unhealthy for a person who is allergic to animal dander to sleep with the animal on the bed, let alone under the covers. I'm genuinely anxious because I've woken up almost every night when sleeping with my girlfriend and her dog with itchy and streaming eyes and a runny nose, and sometimes I can't breathe very well. I've been hesitant to tell her about this because I know how touchy the subject is with her.

She is the most easy-going, agreeable person I've ever met on every other issue, but she absolutely will not budge on this one. The dog must, according to her, sleep on the bed with her, and when I brought up the subject yesterday, she was vehement that this was not open for discussion.

I'm having a hard time with this. She claims that she can't sleep without the dog on the bed if the dog is in the house, but she has often slept away from home without issues. I'm not sure if she genuinely can't sleep without her dog on the bed or if this is something which helped her when she got the dog and was not being treated, but is no longer necessary.

Although I don't want to hurt my girlfriend by stipulating that the dog stay out of our bed, I have my physical health to consider, and I would think she could be more open-minded about this. After all, she sleeps without her dog all the time when she's at my house or her step-mother's house, or anywhere else where she often stays when away from home. She lived in the mountains in a fifth-wheel for weeks with absolutely no complaints earlier this summer. So I can't understand why she's so adamant while knowing that I have such an extreme reaction.

One more thing: she also suggested that I get a shot to help desensitize me to her dog's dander, since medicine doesn't seem to be helping much. Now I know this is called immunotherapy, and I don't know how I feel about that. It's actually several shots per treatment, steadily increasing in dosage, over a period of time, and I just don't feel like I want to do this if there's a less complicated option open. Also, I did read that I may over time become more immune to the dog as I'm around her more, but that I may just as easily become more allergic. There's no telling which it may be. This is scaring me.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated--how should I bring up the subject? Do you think I'm being unreasonable? Is there a compromise that could be made. Mind you, most medical sources I've read on the subject advise to keep the dog completely in a separate room, but I'm not even asking that much, I'm just asking that she not be on the bed.

Thank you in advance.

What if you agreed to get the shot in exchange for the dog not sleeping in the bed? That would be a compromise.

There may not be enough room on the bed for a dog and two people, so it's the kind of problem that can go away on it's own after she spends a night or two unable to sleep. Also, you may find that the dog on the bed doesn't bother your breathing - or you may want more room. I would not have this fight until it actually happens. You can always kick the dog off the bed when your GF falls asleep, too.

I think the bigger issue is going to be all the dog hair/dander in the apartment, not where the dog sleeps at night. Do you have a backup plan in case this doesn't work out for you health-wise?

Please don't kick your girlfriend's dog. Allergy shots can be quite helpful, although I suggest you talk to an allergy doctor, who can inform you fully and test you and treat you if you like. The shots themselves are not really painful.

I've heard that you can reduce the allergens on a dog's body by bathing him or her weekly. That seems like a good idea to start.

Have you tried Zyrtec? It's the strongest over the counter med for both indoor and outdoor allergies. It comes in a generic now so it's very inexpensive, especially at a place like Costco. If medication doesn't work, generally shots are going to be your best option (you would want to check your insurance coverage, tho).

Have you seen an allergist and been allergy tested? That will be the first step before your shots. I have been getting shots for about 6 mths now. (I am extremely allergic to dust mites.) It will take about a year before they begin to work, and it truly is about a 5-year commitment. The first 3-4 mths required that I get the shots twice a week (from then on it is once a week). They generally don't hurt much at all (very tiny needle).

ETA: Most dogs are very happy in their own dog beds, still in the same room at night as their owner(s)...this is going to take some training, however. I don't have any wise words on getting your girlfriend to see this point-of-view (maybe someone else can help you there). She might just really love her dog sleeping in bed with her. I have found in past relationships that a dog plus two people doesn't fit very well on the bed!

Where did the OP imply he might even be considering doing such a thing??

Thank you, I agree that agreeing to do the immunotherapy if in exchange the dog sleeps off the bed could be a compromise. I don't see why I have to be the only one giving on this issue.

As for there not being room on the bed, I think that may still be a problem. As insane as it sounds, right now she's living with her mom and sleeping in a twin size bed, and even then she'd rather make me sleep on the couch than kick her dog off the bed in order for there to be room. I'm not joking; she throws a fit when the dog (quite sensibly) gets off the bed because there's just no room. I'm truly befuddled, and wondering if it's even worth talking to her about it. But I really am worried that it may affect my health in the long run, since there seems to be a medical consensus that sleeping with the animal I'm allergic to is an especially bad idea.

Ugh, I'm just so unsure about where I stand here.

Thank you, and yes, I take zyrtec religiously when around an animal for a long period of time, and sometimes it definitely takes hold and I don't have an issue for a while (until night time, that is.) Still, other times it just fluctuates in how well it works, which is baffling to me because this has only ever happened around my girlfriend's dog, specifically, and when it does happen, my allergic reactions seem to be so much worse than they were before I took the medication. So as far as getting myself treated is concerned, I would agree that the shots would be a good option. But it does sound like a bit of a process...

Though if I'm thinking correctly, getting her to sleep without the dog will not necessarily solve all my problems; sleeping with the dog is a battle, the dander being all over the fernature and my clothes and such will be the war. In that case, perhaps I'd better seriously consider immunotherapy because there's no way she'd live without the dog, and there's no way I'd EVER ask her to.

But again, she doesn't seem to care much about sleeping with the dog even when there's no room; she'd rather kick me out of the bed or sleep on the couch herself. Does this suggest something weird about our relationship in and of itself???

I suggested kicking the dog off the bed when the girlfriend fell asleep -- it's a common expression where I live and doesn't involve literally kicking

You are in quite a situation. I hope it all works itself out smoothly.

I think this is a situation that should have been considered before you signed a lease. Shots are NO guarantee that you will be OK around the dog. My brother has allergies and the shots only help somewhat. I understand that your girlfriend needs an emotional support dog, however, if she is unwilling to budge on this one you may want to reconsider the long term viability of this relationship. Yes, it takes more than love. This truly is one of those compatibility issues that should be worked out before going any further. That is, you have allergy issues from simply being around the dog and she needs the dog to help her disorder. Right now you probably think that you can put up with the dog, but chances are that the issue will become a wedge between you and the resentment will only build. She is unwilling to budge for your health. Does this really seem like someone who is ready for the next step in a relationship?

Seems (to me anyway) that you should ready yourself for sleeping on the couch once you move in with your gf.

I agree with Chippermonkey, you should re-evaluate the longterm potential as your gf is already choosing to share her bed with her dog instead of you. I'm sorry but I just don't see ANYBODY being ok with that for any length of time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be cold.I have BP as well, and have heard how helpful service dogs can be. But REALLY now!
What is going to happen during the night, while shes asleep, that she may need her dog for?

Sooo either you accept you'll be sleeping in seperate rooms until the dog dies, or think twice about moving in with her for now.

Maybe if she sees your hesitation she will realize how unreasonable she is being and consider having the dog sleep elsewhere.

Afterall, like you've stated, she sleeps fine without the dog when she's away from home. So this isn't a matter of "cannot" but rather "will not"...

Personally, I would not move in given these circumstances. You can't really demand that she give up her pet and she can't demand that you suddenly become unallergic. There's a sort of fundamental incompatibility.

Having you sleep on the couch instead of the dog sounds insulting to me. The only way I could understand that one is if it has to do with the twin bed and not the dog -- two people in a twin can be impossible. Are you going to have a bigger bed when you move in together?

I am not sure if you have lived with a significant other before -- if you haven't, it's a lot of work and A LOT of compromise, sometimes so much compromise that living alone seems preferable.

I would try to have a conversation with her about how you will handle these kinds of differences when they come up, just generally.

I totally agree with this; it's difficult to admit that this could jeopardize the relationship, but I'm not so infatuated with her as to ignore this problem. The thing with sleeping on the couch came about because of the twin, and her unwillingness to make the dog sleep on the floor (the two of us fit fine on the bed, just very snug.) But yes, luckily we will have a bigger bed when we move in. She did very nearly make her mother sleep in the twin so we could comfortably sleep with the dog. I might add that this was totally out of the question for both me and her mother. :P

Also, I have not lived with a significant other before. I'm aware that it'll be a lot of work and compromise, in some part of my brain. I'm just not crazy about the idea of the sacrifice being all on my end, you know what I mean? So yeah, I think I'll definitely have to discuss it with her, and figure out how we can work disagreements like this out in the future.

(BTW: I have not yet signed a lease.)

@trippin2.0, Thanks. I hope you're wrong, but I see how you could be right. So you don't think that it's absolutely necessary to sleep with your service dog if you're being treated and are totally fine sleeping without them when they're not in the house?

I'm sorry, but I was hesitant to confront her about this mainly because I'm in no position to presume anything about her disorder, not having BP myself. This is the biggest reason why I haven't gotten into a more serious discussion about it with her thus far. I don't want to act like I KNOW that she doesn't need the dog to sleep.

She claims that as long as the dog is in the same house with her at night, she needs to sleep with her. Does this sound to anyone like a legit reason, or like an excuse due to stubbornness? I don't know if I can judge, or if anyone else can, but I know that I feel uncomfortable telling her that her bipolar is stable enough to where she doesn't need the dog to sleep on the bed with her each night; I don't have experience with disorders that involve emotional support animals.

But yes, I agree that I will not put up with being kicked out of the bed for long AT ALL. I was telling my sister today that if my GF even suggests getting separate beds, or either of us sleeping on the couch...I don't know if I can go through with the move, and maybe not even the relationship. I need to know what priority I hold in her life, and I'm sorry, but my health as well as my relationship with her should be more important. I mean, for god's sake, she listened to me wake up several times during the night the other night, sneezing and itching my eyes and sniffling, and each time she woke up and noticed her dog had left the bed because there wasn't enough room, so her primary concern was getting the dog back onto the bed. This is just odd to me, and I'm feeling a bit like my needs and health are not above her personal desire to sleep with her dog on her priority list, which is upsetting.

I hope this doesn't seem too entitled, but I do feel a bit entitled, unashamedly.

I'm not aware of anyone who has expressed that they absolutely MUST sleep with their dog no... if you want to be absolutely sure tho, I have a suggestion.

Create a "Must you have your dog sleep on your bed with you" poll in the bipolar forum.

I'm sure that in doing so, and including an excerpt from this thread explaining the situation and your reluctance to challenge your GF's wishes, that you will receive unbiased knowledgable responses.

I personally find it disturbing that she would ignore your weezing and sniffing to go and find her dog.

Our cat just makes my bf uncomfortable, (he's not a fan of cats) and that's enough for me to make sure my furry baby is not on my bed when bf is over.

*Just saying...

You know, I think your compromise is that you are living with an animal you are allergic to. Her compromise should be that you both keep the place as free of pet hair as possible and the dog sleeps in his/her own bed.

You are not being unreasonable. Telling her to take the dog to a shelter would be unreasonable. You are waking up in the middle of the night wheezing and she is looking for the dog? That's not right. Have you asked her why she wants to sleep with the dog instead of you? What does she even say?

I don't see how this has anything to do with BP. I'm hoping that you came up with that idea and not her -- because if she is going to whip out a medical excuse every time you disagree, that's going to be a problem--- you will lose every single argument. And that kind of behavior doesn't have anything to do with BP, either.

Are you guys getting your own place or would you be moving in with her mother as well? I'm glad you are thinking about this stuff before you move in. It is so much harder to break up when you are living with someone. If my boyfriend and I broke up, I would be very reluctant to live with someone else again unless I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them -- in a rational/logical way as well as an emotional way.

Don't move in with her. Don't sign the lease.

She is being COMPLETELY unreasonable on this one. People who need a service dog usually need them everywhere they go in order to function. The fact that your girlfriend can be out of the home overnight and sleep just fine is an indication that this is not one of the more serious cases where a support animal is necessary for functioning. That is, she has an emotional support animal, NOT a service dog (there is a difference!). She won't budge and is placing a dog above you. Don't put up with this. Don't move in with her. I am not bipolar, but I do have PTSD with severe sleep issues. My sleep issues seem to be a helluva lot worse than hers, to be honest, as it is extremely difficult for me to sleep anywhere but my own bed (even the couch down stairs is problematic). If she can sleep outside of the home without the dog, she does not "need" the dog, rather she "wants" the dog in her bed. Sleep issues don't just change when you leave the home and suddenly get better. That's not how they work.

Hi, I agree - that's ******* bull****. She has to sleep with her dog...***** that man. Now, with that said, I'm in the exact same situation, except my girlfriend doesn't let the dog sleep in the bed (thank god), but at the end of the bed on the floor. I'm extremely allergic to cats and dogs, but my girlfriend has 2 long-haired cats and 1 dog. She won't give them up for anything, and I did move in with her because I'm so in love with her I just deal with her animals' poison saliva. I decided to get the immunitherapy shots, which are expensive in every way one could imagine. They cost $1,000 a year, require you to be at the medical office for 30 minutes after receiving them, and take 6 years to be in full effect. Yeah, life sucks.

Thank you everyone so much for your advice! I really appreciate it. This has helped me solidify my resolve on this issue and finally confront my girlfriend directly last night.

It turns out that, as has been mentioned before, she doesn't "need" her dog in her bed, she just "wants" her in the bed. She did readily admit this and added that she's slept with pets in her bed since she was a very young child, so it's not a BP thing so much as a comforting habit. She called it her "security blanket."

When I first presented my argument and all the research I've been doing on the health risks and my own personal concerns, she said that it would be hard for her, but she was relatively relieved since she was convinced I'd be a total asshole at some point and demand that she get rid of her dog. She asked me what I would do if instead of getting more tolerant of the dog dander, I became worse, and I said that I'd go in for the immunotherapy. This, I think, touched her a lot, because she would have been willing to get rid of her dog if I'd demanded it. That in turn touched me, and it was all sweet for a couple minutes. XD

She says she needs to do some thinking on it and get used to the idea, but that my health is more important to her and that she wants our relationship to be about taking care of ourselves and each other. This is the epitome of what I wanted her to say, so I was very relieved, even though she's still having trouble with the idea and is wanting to "meet me hafway" by having the dog on the bed, but not under the covers. I'm convincing her that this is beyond halfway for me, since I'm agreeing to live with a dog that I'm allergic to.

Still, it's a good start, I think, and I'm glad I came to you guys with the problem. Usually I'm horrible at communication and bringing up things that are bothering me, so this was rough.

Anyway, I do have another question:

We're very poor college kids, so we're moving into a studio. During the day when we're both in school, the dog is likely to jump up onto the bed anyway, which will not be too bad since her dander will already be on the couch, the chairs, my clothes, etc, so it'll all be bad no matter how you look at it. I'm just wondering if you have suggestions or advice for maybe keeping the dog off the bed while we're not there since there's no door to block her off, just to try and make it as dander-free as possible.

Or am I going to have to spray down/wash my comforter and pillow cases religiously?

The reason I freak out so much about dander in my sleeping space is because I'm breathing it in a concentrated amount as I sleep, which apparently makes it much more likely that I'll have a bad allergic reaction, which at the very least will disrupt my sleep unnecessarily.

Thanks again.

Baby gate? We have 2 for our dogs. Not to keep them out of the bedroom, just because they're troublemakers.

I'm glad that went so well!!

For the dog jumping on stuff while you are out - get an extra large blanket to throw on the bed when you aren't home --- take it off before you go to bed. You could do that with the couch and any chairs that seem likely to gather hair. I do this with my cats - if they like to sit in a particular spot on the bed or a chair, I lay out a separate blanket for them to collect the hair.