How to get through to (and get back) depressed ex boyfriend?

Hey there,


I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago because he wouldn't commit, and worse, he wouldn't really talk about it, or seem like he wanted to work through it. Basically, he would never talk about the future, and I started getting restless. I told him that I need a clearer path forward for us, and he told me that he's never loved anyone the way he loves me, but that he couldn't give me what I need. He gave me a bunch of really dumb excuses (like that I'm not tall enough, that he couldn't move in because he's got very heavy bookshelves, and that I like the beach and he doesn't) I was devastated- and I know that he was too. While it's true that I broke it off, I felt that he didn't give me any choice- he didn't want to work through the issues.

He's struggled with depression his entire life, been to many therapists, been on various medications, and has been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts twice that I know of. He is currently not seeing anyone or taking anything. He struggles with feelings of worthlessness and negative thought cycles. There were a few times when we'd be having a nice time, then some kind of look would wash over his face. I'd ask what was wrong, and he'd say something about what a horrible person he is. I'd be shocked. Horrible person?? What? Where did this come from? He's one of the kindest, most thoughtful, dependable people I know. Definitely the best man I've ever dated-character wise. We had a really good, loving, supportive, fun relationship. I was happier with him than I had been in a very long time, and his friends and family would say the same about him. Everyone thought we were fantastic together, as did I.

For the first 4 months we had little communication- I kept hoping that he would come to his senses. I knew how much he missed me, but he played it so close to the vest- he was acting unfazed by the breakup, as if it didn't really matter to him. I guess I was doing the same thing- I shut him out of my life- blocking him from FB, removing myself from his work things. I was so broken hearted, I thought that I could just close him out and move on- 6 months later I'm writing this missing the hell out of him. About 2 months ago he sent me a FB friend request which I didn't accept. I wanted more than that, I wanted him to ask to see me. He did offer to help me finish a project that he had helped me start, but then slacked on getting back to me for a week and I finished it. I thought, ok, he is willing to see me, he knows I'm willing to see him, even though this project plan didn't work out, he will ask to see me again. He didn't. He suggested that I go to a show that he wasn't going to. I didn't respond. The little communication we've had had been this way- one of us just doesn't respond.

About 3 weeks later I ran into his daughter at a party. Out of the blue she said to me "My dad knew you were the best thing for him and he was terrified". She said "He's so set in his ways, I don't think he even knows how." I became overwhelmed with emotion & cried myself to sleep that night.

The following week he showed up at a party where he knew I would be, that was the first time I saw him since the breakup. He's a social guy in that he goes out a lot (a few nights a week) to play and/or listen to music. He will talk to people about music and politics, but he's definitely not the life-of-the-party type. He showed up to this party telling stories, laughing loudly, and doting on me like it was his job. It seemed like he was trying really hard to seem okay. I had to leave about 2 hours after he got there and he was visibly upset. The next day he was full of questions for my friend about me. Asking her about 4 times if I'm okay, how I'm doing. She said that he seemed like he had made a mistake and didn't know what he was doing. (He did that once before, in April, asking a mutual friend about me 5 times in 7 hours.)

A week later, I emailed him "Sooo...I heard you had lotsa questions about me for Lauren. I betcha I have more answers than she does". He wrote back "I don't think I was grilling her or anything, but I did want to check and see if you're okay.". I wrote back "Thanks for asking". I gave him a door to walk through there and he didn't take it.

About 2 weeks ago I decided to take matters into my own hands and texted him to ask if he'd like to meet me for a drink. He texted right back offering Saturday. I was busy so we planned on Sunday. I showed up looking great and he was way more nervous than I was. I didn't talk about 'us', I wanted to just spend some time and feel it out. If I wanted to know if he loves and misses me, well the answer is a resounding YES.

This guy keeps his thoughts and feelings so closely guarded, which is what caused this breakdown and break up I believe in the first place. I did know that about him- the self-protective walls he puts up. They were generally lower with me than with most people, but they were still most definitely there with me. He blocks out most people, and most emotion because he can't handle it.

You know how some people are passive aggressive? They are nice to your face but then nasty behind your back? He's the opposite. He tries to seem indifferent toward me, but behind the scenes he's checking up on me and doing me favors without telling me! For the 4 months that we barely communicated, the little communication we did have was nice but cold. Seeing him twice in the past month- he's trying to seem happy and unfazed by the breakup, but I see right through it. His love for me was all over him when we met up, as it was at that party.

When we saw each other he told me about a favor he did for me a few weeks back. At that point we hadn't seen each other in 4 months- but he went ahead and did this anyway. We've emailed since then and he was nice, but again, kept it very short. Why didn't he tell me until I happened to ask him to meet me?

So I texted him a few days later to thank him for the favor, and he wrote back a longish text telling me that he will do it again, and asking the question as to when. I got back to him the next morning with an answer and question for him. (I also accepted that FB friend request) That was 2 weeks ago and he didn't respond.

Last Friday he posted to his FB page "I was mentally ill before it was cool". I was SHOCKED!!!! He would talk to me about his depression, but it wasn't easy for him. That was the most vulnerable I've seen him be publicly, ever.

So his birthday was yesterday and I debated contacting him again. I decided that I would. Over 100 people wished him happy birthday on his FB page, and I'm the only one he responded to. "Thanks. It was mostly a working day, but it went pretty well." Sigh...That's how most of the little communication we have goes...He will respond but not give me anything to respond to.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I can't keep contacting him without him putting forth some effort. But at the same time, I keep reading stories on here and other places about depressed people who let the love of their lives go- and regretting it deeply. I know what we had, and I know that he loves me very much. But he's not stepping up and I can't make him. At least when we were together I convinced him to pay out of pocket for health insurance and agreed to go to the doctor. He's still paying for this very expensive insurance but NOT using it.

Can you give me some advice as to how to proceed here? I love this man more than I can say, and I know he loves me just as much. How do I get through to him without scaring him off again, or end up being a doormat myself?

You will never be able to get him help if he doesnt want it.. If he chooses to not seek medical attention and Therapy to help him work through whatever roadblocks its causing in his life well then you have a choice to make...

You can continue to be part of the off and on communication or you can just let it go and realize you deserve someone that will be emotionally there for you and have a healthy relationship with.

Depression can make a relationship hard at times, but relationships regardless of mental illness or not all take work and communication to really be healthy for both people.

Good luck and welcome to PC

Thanks for getting back to me, Christina!

He did start going to a doctor back in January. I made the initial appointment, and he continued to make appointments from there. He went 2x a week for about 3 weeks, until that insurance ran out.

I urged him to buy the new insurance and found another doctor who took it. He reluctantly paid for this expensive insurance and agreed to go.

I ended the relationship at the end of February, and he texted me in March to tell me that he had an appointment set up. I have access to his insurance account so I know that he went once, then didn't go again.

I feel hasty in breaking up with him, he was getting help. But he still COULD get help and he's not. I have to come to terms with that.

You're right, I can either stay patient and strong and see where this leads, or I can move on...I thought I'd be able to move on much easier than this. I've gotten over every relationship I've been in within a few months. Not this time, 6 months later & I still cry all the time.

This may be a classic capt obvious question, but have you sat down with him and told him how much in love you are with him and that u want to get back together with him...are willing to give him time and help him dismantal the walls he's built etc???

Just seems you two are circling each other like frightened cats.

I agree with what Christina says about deserving someone who can contribute equally to the relationship. But I also agree with waiting4. Rather than giving him small opportunities to prove that he wants to communicate, why not just set a date with him and then be completely honest about how you feel, what you need, and ask if he is willing to put in an effort and give it another chance? At least that way you won't spend any more time like the last 6 months have been: constantly wondering "what if".

Does he happen to have a trauma history? The reason that I ask is because this sort of behavior is quite often seen in trauma survivors (I also belong to a forum that discusses PTSD), and you mentioned that he gets overly stressed and runs away. There is an explanation for this behavior, but since its on another forum, I don't think I can link to it here?

Is therapy the ultimate requirement from you?

I'd recommend in or out of therapy, sit down with a needs list, self analyze and ask yourself what specifically is going unmet, and then express how it leaves you feeling, one on one with him.

For instance, when my SO is experiencing that whole 'fight/flight' thing, and I am in a quiet withdrawn state, if he doesn't speak up, I am unaware. If I am in a need for more not less space, it's up to me to speak up. It's the whole, let's not expect mind reading regardless of depression symptoms. It avoids or an attempt to minimize and reduce resentment. There's idiosyncrasies that we've agreed to be mindful and sensitive of. One, actually is for me not to pull away/withdraw, which actually complements my therapy work to speak up for my needs and with my feelings. Don't cling too tight, is his to work on.
I find the term communication loosely tossed out. Can't make a tiger have spots anymore than a leopard have stripes.
I agree about sitting down and talking. This just may be who he is?

Stop waiting for him to 'prove' something to you by making the move. Maybe he wants your interest 'proven' by making the first move towards him. If you're both waiting for the other to go first, it's never going to get anywhere. Remember, you left him, why would he be the one to initiate the reunion? When you walked away, it was meant for him not to follow. You need to do the walking back and sharing all your feelings and concerns to him if you wanna see this go anywhere.

I agree with the other posters who suggest that you lay it on the line with him -- be specific and upfront.

I would also caution that lots of people don't want to commit, depressed or not. I would not get reinvolved in a relationship with him if I wasn't willing to accept the unclear path he was willing to commit to in the spring. Therapy may not make him like the beach or more willing to move his heavy bookshelves.

Wow, thank you all for so much response. You've given me a lot to think about.

There is some more back story here. Back in October we had gone out dancing one night. The night before he was telling some of our friends that 'we've had our ups and downs, but we're stronger than ever'. This night the energy between us was so strong, I thought he was going to propose. We danced like a couple of crazy teenagers in love, grinning from ear to ear all evening. When we got back to my house he started acting weird. When I asked him what was wrong he started saying things like "we should just be friends", "if you were taller, like 6'1, I'd love you forever." I was so shocked, the conversation lasted about 5 minutes as I showed him to the door. He called a week later, and came over telling me that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, I'm the love of his life, that he's never cared about anybody the way he cares about me, that he's going to win me back...and he did. I started to expect a ring, some talk about the future at the very least...He said that he had "all of these realizations".

But by January, he started saying "I like you". After everything we've been through, you LIKE me? That's what prompted the "Where is this relationship going?" conversation. We had been dating for 15 months at this point. He told me that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone (plus his daughters), but he was so ambivalent about everything else that I felt like I was trying to convince him to want to be with me.

I broke up with him in anger and frustration over the phone in February, and a week later I contacted him. He came over and we talked for 5 hours. I wanted to work it out, I was trying to understand what was going on with him. Yeah, I poured my heart out to him and good.

When I said that we had a loving, supportive relationship, I meant it. He never said a mean word to me and poured his affection out, always. He would tell me every day how cute and sexy and beautiful I am, hold my hand everywhere we went. He came over that night and said everything and the opposite, including some really cruel things. He came in telling me that he didn't know if this was the last relationship he was going to be in, if this is the end of the road for him. That there might be some tall, quirky woman out there for him and he hopes that she's half as cool as me. (I'm 5'8 btw, and pretty darn quirky) He said some really horrible things like that he's with me because 'the weirdest guy in the room doesn't get laid' and that if he 'had more self-esteem' he 'would be chasing more women'. Horrible things. He said that he wasn't as attracted to me as he once was, but then during the conversation he told me how attractive and how beautiful I am. He was scrunched down in the couch with his stomach churning and shoulders hunched over for most of the evening- which he blamed on my 'shortness'.

He said a whole lot of really great things too...It was a very strange and confusing conversation. I ended the evening with an ultimatum of sorts: either we move forward together or maybe we can be friends someday. He said: either one sounds fine. Wow.

This is a man who would always want me with him- going out with his friends, with his family- and would sometimes drive the 35 minutes to my house to pick me up and bring me to dinner with him and his guy friends. He did this kind of thing right up to the very end. I never asked him to, he wanted to.

Sooo...A few days later I got a long email from him telling me how much he cares about me and will miss me but that the passion burned out so it wouldn't be fair to either of us to progress the relationship. BS the passion burned out! He could have given me some legitimate reasons for breaking up, but passion burnout? We were like magnets to each other, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. "Slippers and socks" "Peas in a pod". It was a BS excuse. We had a really good sex life but one night we had awkward clunky sex after traveling all day. He pinpointed this one not so great night, out of how many fantastic nights, as a point about how we'd lost the passion. What can I say to that? I felt like I had to let him go figure it out...

It's true that I broke it off in anger but he ran away without wanting to fix anything when I was trying to. Yeah, I do think that he should take one of the many opportunities I've been giving him to talk to me.

It was all so heartbreaking and so confusing. So I have very big blocks in pouring my heart out to him again.

My sister emailed him in May (they have been friends for some 15 years) simply saying that she hopes we could friends, and he wrote her back this long email talking about the red hot passion burning out, along with a few 'reasons' why we split (The first time I'd heard these, and made me go "huh??") She didn't ask him anything about that. Just if we could be friends. We had been split up for 2.5 months at that point, long enough to get a grip on his emotions I thought.

So I tried to move on, knowing that I am the love of his life, and thinking that maybe he was really just over me...Confused.

Until I saw his daughter, and I saw him twice. And realized that he was definitely not over me.

He has always led the relationship. He was the one making evening plans for us, calling to confirm, quick texts to say that he's thinking about me... He did this consistently for 15 months. Now I feel like he's responding to be polite. It's that same indifference I've been feeling from him since the breakup (which is what caused the breakup).

I don't want to harass the guy. Between the time of the breakup until we saw each other I'd say that our limited communication was equal. After we saw each other I've emailed or texted him first maybe 4 times, including asking him to meet me. I've made it so easy for him to feel comfortable in reaching out and he hasn't. He hasn't contacted me first, and he responds with very short answers if he answers at all.

I feel like he has to want this, I can't make it too easy for him! Life can be hard sometimes, I need to know that he's going to stick around for it. That's all I was asking him for in the first place, if he was going to stick around, and he ran.

I don't think he has any trauma history. He's diagnosed clinically depressed & both of his daughters are diagnosed bipolar (he's had lots of worries about them and their struggles) No trauma though that I know of, like sexual abuse or war.

He needs to be in therapy, yes. He has issues that he can't seem to work through on his own. I'd love to be able to sit down with him and work through this. If I knew more back in January/February I would have done things differently!

If I were to read this story on a regular relationship board I would say "Forget that guy!", but I'm here on the depression board because I really don't know if this is the depression, or just one of those things that happens to relationships sometimes.

I have entered this string at a point that hits a "nerve" with me so I may as well tell what I experienced. After a particularly remarkable "awakening" that I had during a bitter confrontation with my then wife in a park, I entered a blissful, spiritual, joyous, happy, free and wondrous place/state so we had a terrific time for the rest of the evening. Then, as we were approaching our house, I began to feel the "high" disolving or shrinking and I began to slowly come back down to my little, egoic, disturbed, fearful, troubled and unhappy self! It felt sickening but I tried to keep acting "happy". Finally I told my wife that something remarkable had happened and now I was "loosing it". She got pretty sad and upset but we did not get into another fight and went back to being the unhappy, angry, frightened couple we had been for so long! I was very disappointed that I could not "stay up there" in that blessed spiritual state above neurotic, personality issues but had no idea how to get back up there. We finally divorced but in the meantime, I went into therapy and gradually began to understand what happened to me that night and, even better how to get up out of my unhappy, fearful, neurotic and emotionally damage little self. Most of what I did in therapy revolved around Self Esteem and Shame Reduction work which greatly reduced the damages to my ego in early childhood. I can't say that my therapy got me back up there where I was in that "Spiritual Awakening" state but I'm a lot happier and stable than I was for most of my troubled life thanks to being damaged in a dysfunctional family. I don't know what DEMONS are lurking inside of you guy but I sure recognize his patterns which I believe can be traced back to early childhood emotional damages which only he can come to grips with in some way at either therapy or some spiritual process to pull him up and out of his little, damaged and neurotic self/ego. This is not about a bad ego - it's about a DAMAGED ego.
And like another poster said, only he can take the bull by the horns and go looking for help and salvation in whatever form he can and there are many, many ways to get free of those inner daemons and monsters that are wrecking his and your life.
I'd guess that he was just trying to make jokes about something that he just doesn't understand.
Maybe he had some kind of "awakening" but, unless he gets rid of his inner daemons, it won't last and he'll go right back down to depression and neurosis again and/or bounce between the two extremes = High and happy/Low and depressed, over and over and over!
Unless he goes for help, he is TRAPPED in a Jekyll/Hide (or something more clinical?) pattern and you will be damaged as well by trying to cope with him and his "conditions".
good luck,

Even if he had proposed, seems like this patterned behavior is what you'd have to look forward to.

Confusingly hurtful random moments.

Will therapy enlighten him or good solid boundaries or both?

Greenergal, I read you message when you first posted it. I didn't reply then because I wanted to think about the situation and see what other people said. I also felt a connection here because a good friend of mine went through a very similar situation and, much to her regret, she ended up alone and she's still alone.

I have a different take on this than most of the other posters. I'm coming from the philosophy that the only person we can change is ourselves. So, for me, the real question in your post is not how can you get through to him, but how can you get through to yourself.

I realize your ex wasn't giving you what you wanted and you grew frustrated, so you broke up with him, cut him off, and hoped he'd come to his senses.

That happens quite a bit in novels and movies and just about every advice columnist would have advised you to break up with him. And if he really loved you he'd come crawling back, ready to commit because he couldn't stand to live without you. Or so it goes in romance novels.

He was this kind, thoughtful, dependable guy, the best guy you'd ever been with. You loved each other. He has depression problems, but he was getting help for that, which would take time. Perhaps you didn't know depressed people are often highly sensitive to rejection. Instead of making him come to his senses, rejection can often push a depressed person out of their senses.

I think it would be a good idea for you to get some help for yourself, too. Nothing you said makes me think you're mentally ill. Maybe a life coach or even self-help would work. It would be good to understand why you try to get what you want by rejecting the people you love. It would also be good to learn about depression. It's always good to know about a loved one's disorder so we can have proper empathy while avoiding enabling.

You might order a copy of Dr. William Glasser's 1998 book, Choice Theory, a new psychology of personal freedom. It's all about relationships. It could not only help you understand your own actions better, but it could help you understand your ex's depression and his actions better.

I don't know if you and your ex can get back together or not. But if you really love him and want him back, I can guarantee you this -- you won't get him back by rejecting him. Depressed people can be extraordinarily sensitive to rejection. The cold shoulder will drive him away or bring out feelings of fear and desperation and will likely lead to lots of unexpressed resentments that may at times burst out in temper flares. That's how depression works. Each person is different and unique, but depression does have some common features -- with despair, fear, anger and shame being tangled up in one big confusing knot. You seldom get pure depression. All those other emotions are tangled in there, too.

If you want him back, it's you who had better find something more effective than repeated rejection to get what you want. Dr. Glasser's Choice Theory can give you some ideas about how to use more neutral and positives ways to communicate. It's all right to tell him (or any loved one) what we want, as long as we don't hammer and push and shove emotionally. You can't fix or cure his depression, but you can do lots of inadvertent things on a daily basis that can make depression worse.

I'm sorry to say it looks as if you inadvertently pushed the man you love away. Not because that's what you really wanted; because you didn't know any better way to communicate your frustration. You didn't understand depression. You can change that. It might not change anything about his behavior toward you, but then, as I said before, the only person you can change is yourself.

You sound intelligent, like someone who would find Dr. Glasser's book intellectually as well as emotionally stimulating. Dr. Glasser even has an example from his practice of a guy who wouldn't commit and the girlfriend who kept pushing and rejecting. It might help you understand there are other ways to get through to someone you love besides rejecting them when they don't act right. I wish you the best of luck.

K...I'm just gonna put this out there but I don't think you'll like it.

He loved you more than anything...you were perfect. He was perfect. You both were perfect together. And then he started acting 'weird'. Pushing you away, being mean, cutting you down, demeaning you to your face and to your friends. Devaluing you.

Classic narcissistic behaviour. For as long as he was getting that high from you, things were grand. But as soon as YOU started to want more (commitment) suddenly he wasn't in charge anymore and you appeared as weak, needy, clingy (emotionally). That's an instant turn off for a narc because you are suddenly NOT the perfect person he thought you were when he wanted you. And wanting and having are NOT the same thing for a narc.

My advice for what it's worth---if you can let him go, do so. If you find it difficult to do so...like you're addicted to him--you are because that's what a narc does and they're damn good at it. As soon as he started to devalue you, (you're not tall enough, quirky enough--whatever enough---and the classic of classic's--the passion is gone---well, it IS.....for him!!!! You became 'real', and were no longer the fantasy he'd created) the warning bells should have gone off.

I know from where I speak and went thru a version of what you're going thru with my ex...which is why I broke up with him. It's hard, and it hurts still ... but everyday gets better.

Just remember, once he devalue's you....you'll never be that valued supply again. You MIGHT be a 'secondary' if he does find that elusive 'tall quirky' chick. But you will never again be the primary.

I'm sorry. But it is, and he is, what it is.

I've been wondering whether depression and any mental illness would make or break a relationship because there are days where I believe my ex broke up with me because of my symptoms (even though he told me that it is not the case). Thanks for this though.

Wow, that was a lot to think about! If my frustration and our inability to communicate pushed him away I would have to handle this situation completely differently than if he's simply a narcissist looking out for himself. I do think that everyone has SOME narcissistic tendencies, but after doing some research into "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", and even though it sometimes FELT like that, I don't think that's it. It wasn't just him telling me what I wanted to hear, it was his mother, his aunt, his best friends from middle school and college telling me variations on "He's never been happier". I do believe that. We weren't perfect, we had our issues, but we were happy and in love.

I could give a number of examples as to why I don't think it's as simple as him being a narcissist. One would be that he's a professional musician who makes 90% of his limited income from playing live shows. Back in May a friend of mine contacted him about doing a performance and he not only offered to do it for half price, but it's an hour each way, out of his way, to get there. He did that for me, because she's my friend. He never even told me.

I'm also inclined to believe that he just wasn't able to hold onto those feelings of happiness. The self loathing, the doubt, the fear, the darkness would creep in all the time. I don't have issues with mental health. I've had some situational depression (like the past 7 or so months), but I'm a happy person by nature. He may have thought that I would leave him, so he couldn't afford to invest in this. I don't know. I did think about going to counseling myself, it's not a bad idea.

I did decide to invite him to my birthday party last week. I wanted him to know that he's still a part of my life even though we haven't really seen each other. It was short notice so I didn't expect him to be able to make it, but he wrote me back a nice note.

Thank you for your thoughts and advice.

I just got a call from a mutual friend. She saw a man who looked like a homeless person walking down the side of the road (there is no sidewalk)- she had to get really close to see that it was my ex- she didn't even recognize him. Walking down the side of the road coming from nowhere, (she didn't see his car and he does have AAA) all hunched over in a long sleeved shirt and long pants (it's a hot day). He was emaciated and his face looked drawn. She said that he looked more miserable than she had ever seen him. She just called me to tell me that he looks really bad- she was shocked to see him like this.

Sigh...now what? I know he wasn't happy, but this is disturbing.