[DorianStorm]

Hi everyone! I'm coming here with a burden that I've realized is too big for me to carry alone or at least not share with someone. Why online? Because I don't want my loved ones to think of me as an evil man as it's hard to come by as a good one when I'll tell you all what I'm about to tell.

Disclaimer: Yes, love is a strong word. But I believe I'm capable of wielding it. I'm 22 years. I should have an idea of what love is.

So, about 2 months back I met this wonderful girl. We got to know each other and the from the very start I noticed we have somekind of a connection. I grew close and a lot of the girls would say that we grew very close (as she does have a boyfriend).

We would have late night chats about the world and stuff and did stuff together. Then one night we came back from a walk and ate a little (we live the same dorm, in neighbouring rooms) things got intense. I have no idea what happened but instead of a spark there was this flame that would not die out.
I told her about this weird feeling and she said she felt it too and that she felt physically attracted to me. We never did anything on that night but we did say that we felt sexual desire for one another.

Then weeks went by and we often found ourselves by ourselves. We would talk about how we felt and the world and stuff but also we would touch each other softly.

At this point I thought that if I knew my girlfriend would be doing this with another guy I'd be pissed and heartbroken and couldn't stand it. If we were smart we'd stop this before anyone got hurt.

Still, feeling all that didn't stop me from kissing her. It was amazing I'll stop it at that but the next morning I woke up feeling like an evil man. But it felt so natural and pure and good at the same time.

After that we've kissed several times. To us it feels natural and like something we should be doing. Last thursday she spent the night at my room as both of our roommates were gone. It felt good. It felt right. Even she said it.

Now we have a week long vacation from school and I won't be seeing her for a week. She'll be spending it with her boyfriend and thinking of them together hurts me like crazy. I'm feeling lonely and confused as to what I should do.

She knows I have feeling for her as I have told her about them and she has said she might feel as well but isn't ready to face those feelings and is afraid of admitting them. I know she has feelings because when I'm with other girls she is jealous of them.

I know I'm falling in love with her if not already am in love. For gods sake I've written poems about her. Poems!!! Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I a bad person for doing the things I've done? Is it wrong to be jealous of their time spend together? I mean they should be doing that since they're a couple. But does it mean they're meant to be? Don't I stand as good of a chance?

To tell a bit more about me. 2 years ago my ex left me and it broke my heart to pieces. I was depressed a long long time and have made huge leaps in these 2 months in mental health by being around positive people and changing my field of study.

But most of all this girl makes me feel good about myself which is kind of a big deal. She made me realize that there still are people who might be attracted to me.

I don't know if there's a one huge question that I'd like to ask. I've asked my questions already. I just wanted to get this out in to the world.

Thank you for reading this and a bigger thank you for those who read all of it. Anykind of comment is welcomed.

Thanks !

[~Christina]

The problem you have is the fact that she has a boyfriend . This situation is just not fair to you. Dont let her play this kinda game. If it was a man doing this he would be called a "player" well girls can do the same.

I would advise you to lay it all out on the line and be honest and then back off ,cut off any and all communication.

She needs to decide who she wants.

I wish you the best

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by DorianStorm

I know I'm falling in love with her if not already am in love. For gods sake I've written poems about her. Poems!!! Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I a bad person for doing the things I've done? Is it wrong to be jealous of their time spend together? I mean they should be doing that since they're a couple. But does it mean they're meant to be? Don't I stand as good of a chance?

There is nothing wrong in how you feel. that you have written poems is actually very good. You are not a bad person, nor an evil person, you are just a very vulnerable person due to what Christina has explained.

I would take all of the poems you have written about her, package them nicely in one file, possibly inserting images if they strike your fancy and seem relevant to content, add a love confession, possibly describing your jealous feelings (jealous feelings if they are described as that pain that has been gnawing at you are endearing; the repulsive part of jealousy is its controlling incarnation, but there is nothing wrong in describing your distress, longing, etc.), and ask her to make a choice between you and the current bf.

[quote=DorianStorm;4043523]

Hello DorianStorm: I'm going to just offer a couple of observations here. By the way, I'm an older person. I don't know if that's particularly relevant. But it's something to keep in mind. Someone more your age might have a different perspective. You are in what is typically referred to as a "love triangle"... You are, perhaps, falling in love with this young woman. And she perhaps has feelings for you too. But she has a boyfriend for whom she presumably also has feelings, & vice versa.

First I want to say you are not bad or evil or anything of the sort! You are simply experiencing something that has been going on since time immemorial, as we say. And, from what you wrote, it sounds as though the young woman in your life has feelings for you too. So it's not like you're trying to throw yourself at someone who just wants to be left alone. These kind of relationships happen all the time. Yes, they can get messy, so it's excellent you're thinking about the implications of the relationship. And, no, it's not at all wrong to feel jealous... it's perfectly normal.

Basically, from my perspective, the ball is in the young woman's court. You mentioned that the two of you will be separated for a week & she'll be with her boyfriend. This probably isn't a bad thing. Basically the young woman is going to have to choose between her current boyfriend & you. She can't have both. And if she somehow thinks she can, my suggestion would be you end the relationship. You don't want to become further involved in this "love triangle".

Making the choice, may be difficult for her. And you may need to give her some space in which to make her decision. Don't press her to decide. Let it come naturally. But also don't continue to see her, on a romantic basis, while she's making her decision. This will only muddy the waters & make parting even more difficult than it already will be, if this ends up being what needs to happen. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though your relationship with this young woman has already become intense. So, if at some point, she says goodbye, you will already most likely feel quite lost for a period of time. This is also quite natural & to be expected.

Again, from my perspective, there is no such thing as "meant to be together". There is no predetermination. This young woman simply met her boyfriend first, & now she's met you. It's just a fact of life. And since it appears she has feelings for you, she simply has to decide whether to end her relationship with her boyfriend & go with you or end her relationship with you. You most certainly do stand a chance, I would say. Also any one of the three of you could, at some point, find still another person & bail out... who knows?

I obviously don't know you or this young woman or her boyfriend. But keeping in mind what I said about not pressing the young woman for a decision, but also not staying in the relationship if she won't decide, in the meantime, simply be gentle with her & kind. Certainly talk with her as much as the two of you want. But do it in public places so there's no chance of overheated intimacy developing. Be supportive & understanding of the dilemma she is in. And allow her to come to her own decision. I know this is a tall order. I'm sure what you're feeling is the desire to storm in & snatch her away (I would.) But you can't do that. All you can do is to be supportive, allow her the time she needs, & do what you can to prepare yourself for the worst if that should be the outcome. (By the way, when first you see her, after your week apart, a small, thoughtful, not expensive gift would not be out of order. My very first gift to my wife was a curly potato chip wrapped in aluminum foil & tied with a red ribbon! Neither of us has ever forgotten it.)

Good luck!!!

[DorianStorm]

Thanks everyone for answering !

@ Christina;
- I think that will be I'll do, thank you !

@ Hamster;
- Thank you! I feel much better right knowing that I'm not that much in the wrong here. And yes it's just like that kind of jealousy.

@ Skeezyks;
- Thank you! Again you post made me feel better about myself and thank you for the long response. I agree with the ball is in her court idea. It's frustrating that there's not much I can do about any of this except give her space if she wishes to take it.

Just now she send me a message on WhatsApp just to ask how I am. I try to keep the discussion simple and not about our relationship because it makes me uncomfortable to chat with her when she is with her bf. Especially when she doesn't respond for a long time and my jealously reaches it's peak and these thoughts like "I know what's keeping her" begin to rise up. It's petty and stupid I know...

I've prepared for pain as I've been feeling it for a while now in this situation. And I've shared my thoughts about it with her and she is really deeply sorry about it. Before we kissed I asked if this was something she was doing intentionally (stupid of me I know) and I clearly offended her. So I doubt that she is a player.

It hurts when I'm away from her. And when I'm with her I only focus on being with her because that's when we both feel good. So could I have one more moment of intimacy with her before I ask her to choose? If I could be this selfish? Because I don't know when I'll have another one with anyone.

Luckily though gentle & kind are my true nature. I'm the kind of type who's always there to support anyone. But in this case it might even result in my downfall if I get too big of an urge to help her.

The cruelest - but at the same time the kindest - gift of the world is that we never know what will happen. So I'm familiar with the idea that even if she leaves her bf now for me she might get cold feet and go back to him. Or meet someone else. One thing at a time.

I think I've poured my heart empty again .

Thank you as always!

[ChipperMonkey]

If she's willing to cheat on her boyfriend to be with you, don't be shocked when she cheats on you with another guy. Yes, of course you'll feel "special" if she chooses you, but the truth is that she is a player with no class. How trashy.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

If she's willing to cheat on her boyfriend to be with you, don't be shocked when she cheats on you with another guy.

Dorian is prepared for that - quoting from the post before yours: "The cruelest - but at the same time the kindest - gift of the world is that we never know what will happen. So I'm familiar with the idea that even if she leaves her bf now for me she might get cold feet and go back to him. Or meet someone else. One thing at a time. "

and, I must say, the depth of understanding the human condition (that the cruelest experience is at the same time the kindest gift) and the eloquence in expressing it simply and succinctly has blown me away, especially given Dorian's young age and the fact that he is not writing in his native language (I assume it is Finnish).

[A Red Panda]

Dorian, there's nothing wrong with how you feel or with what you want.

You did make a poor choice in indulging in actions with her when you know she has a boyfriend. You really should have respected that guy more than you did. At the same time, she also chose to betray him and ultimately the problem is with her - she's playing two of you at the same time.

Both you and her bf deserve better than that.

[ladytiger]

OMG! I am in this same situation the thing is I am attached and this Army guy I know from high school has proclaimed his love for me yet is being pushy on wanting an answer. I haven't spoken to him lately but my boyfriend knows about it now and he doesn't want me talking to him. It's like Army guy expects me to drop my bf now yet wants me to give him a reason why he wants to be with me as he doesn't wanna wait on me. That's his damn fault for doing that because he should have told me this a few years ago that he is in love with me not wait until I am still in a relationship!

Give him a reason why he wants to be with me makes no sense. I am not sure if he will contact me. Amazing how your story is kinda similar to what I am going through...

[ChipperMonkey]

Thanks for being forum cop and "setting me straight!" What would we do without you, hamster!?!?

[Creamsickle]

You are both young, she's not married, not engaged, nor are you. What is the problem here? You may have both found a very special person in each other. Neither of you know how this will turn out. Take it slow and see where it goes. If things develop between you, it may become easier for her to make her decision. I believe life has a way of going in the direction it was meant to take.

[DorianStorm]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

If she's willing to cheat on her boyfriend to be with you, don't be shocked when she cheats on you with another guy. Yes, of course you'll feel "special" if she chooses you, but the truth is that she is a player with no class. How trashy.

That's something I've believed myself at one point and it is something that the internet likes to remind me. I never thought or believed I'd be the other guy. As I never saw anything special in myself that would make chicks leave their bf's.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Dorian is prepared for that - quoting from the post before yours: "The cruelest - but at the same time the kindest - gift of the world is that we never know what will happen. So I'm familiar with the idea that even if she leaves her bf now for me she might get cold feet and go back to him. Or meet someone else. One thing at a time. "

and, I must say, the depth of understanding the human condition (that the cruelest experience is at the same time the kindest gift) and the eloquence in expressing it simply and succinctly has blown me away, especially given Dorian's young age and the fact that he is not writing in his native language (I assume it is Finnish).

Yep. I'm prepared for pretty much anything but most of all I'm prepared for the pain. I've already accepted the things I've done and have told her that if worse comes to worst I will take full responsibility. Wether or not she has brainwashed me to do it is up for debate but I honestly don't see her as an evil manipulative person.

Again thanks! I've had pretty mature thoughts at a young age. I've always liked philosphy and such.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Dorian, there's nothing wrong with how you feel or with what you want.

You did make a poor choice in indulging in actions with her when you know she has a boyfriend. You really should have respected that guy more than you did. At the same time, she also chose to betray him and ultimately the problem is with her - she's playing two of you at the same time.

Both you and her bf deserve better than that.

I know... and that's one of the things that feel awful. I mean when I imagine if something like that happened to me I'd be devastated. So you're right. I should've been smarter and more respectful of the guy.

But this is like a drug. The more I got it the more I wanted it and then it kinda exploded in to this kind of mess.

Thanks for you response!

Originally Posted by ladytiger

OMG! I am in this same situation the thing is I am attached and this Army guy I know from high school has proclaimed his love for me yet is being pushy on wanting an answer. I haven't spoken to him lately but my boyfriend knows about it now and he doesn't want me talking to him. It's like Army guy expects me to drop my bf now yet wants me to give him a reason why he wants to be with me as he doesn't wanna wait on me. That's his damn fault for doing that because he should have told me this a few years ago that he is in love with me not wait until I am still in a relationship!

Give him a reason why he wants to be with me makes no sense. I am not sure if he will contact me. Amazing how your story is kinda similar to what I am going through...

That is pretty wild. How do you feel about the Army Guy though?

Originally Posted by DorianStorm

Thanks everyone for answering !

@ Christina;
- I think that will be I'll do, thank you !

@ Hamster;
- Thank you! I feel much better right knowing that I'm not that much in the wrong here. And yes it's just like that kind of jealousy.

@ Skeezyks;
- Thank you! Again you post made me feel better about myself and thank you for the long response. I agree with the ball is in her court idea. It's frustrating that there's not much I can do about any of this except give her space if she wishes to take it.

Just now she send me a message on WhatsApp just to ask how I am. I try to keep the discussion simple and not about our relationship because it makes me uncomfortable to chat with her when she is with her bf. Especially when she doesn't respond for a long time and my jealously reaches it's peak and these thoughts like "I know what's keeping her" begin to rise up. It's petty and stupid I know...

I've prepared for pain as I've been feeling it for a while now in this situation. And I've shared my thoughts about it with her and she is really deeply sorry about it. Before we kissed I asked if this was something she was doing intentionally (stupid of me I know) and I clearly offended her. So I doubt that she is a player.

It hurts when I'm away from her. And when I'm with her I only focus on being with her because that's when we both feel good. So could I have one more moment of intimacy with her before I ask her to choose? If I could be this selfish? Because I don't know when I'll have another one with anyone.

Luckily though gentle & kind are my true nature. I'm the kind of type who's always there to support anyone. But in this case it might even result in my downfall if I get too big of an urge to help her.

The cruelest - but at the same time the kindest - gift of the world is that we never know what will happen. So I'm familiar with the idea that even if she leaves her bf now for me she might get cold feet and go back to him. Or meet someone else. One thing at a time.

I think I've poured my heart empty again .

Thank you as always!

Hi again DorianStorm: NO!!! No more moments of intimacy! Sorry... But, also (from my perspective) you don't have to ask her to choose at this point either. Asking her to choose is forcing a decision. And a forced decision may or may not be a good one. It may be, somewhere down the line, you will have to, in essence, tell her she must choose. But my impression is you're not there yet.

For now what I would suggest is (if you can do it... I know it will be difficult) simply continue to be her friend. Meet in public places, talk & enjoy each other's company. Let her come to her own decision in her own time. But also be firm about the fact that there can be nothing more between the two of you than casual friendship as long as she stays with her boyfriend. I know this is asking allot; & if you can't do it, then it may be best to just end the relationship now, at least until such time as she terminates her relationship with her current boyfriend.

I've been following along with some of the other replies you've received. And I must say, this young woman has come in for allot of criticism as a "player". And, of course, this is a possibility. But, personally, I think this judgment is premature. I think it's perfectly reasonable to presume she simply met her boyfriend before she knew you, or at least before the two of you connected, & now she is on "the horns of a dilemma", as the saying goes. At this point in time, my inclination would be to give her the benefit of the doubt. If at some point she proves otherwise, by continuing to try to have both her current boyfriend & you at the same time, then, of course, you have a different situation altogether.

[Open Eyes]

IMHO, even though you are mature, you are still young yet and so is this young woman.
The good part about this is that you have learned that even though you were hurt, you can find another girl that is exciting to be with and that you "can" connect with another female.

Yes, you feel love for this girl too, but you really should allow yourself to step back and just see where this leads. This girl is young too, and she has discovered she really likes being with someone other than her boyfriend. This time she has away from you isn't about cheating either, she is going to be looking at this boyfriend in a different light and she may realize that she has found someone she likes even more in you. It sounds like this has caught her off guard and she isn't sure what to do about it. I think that's pretty normal given her age.

Even though you may be mature for your age, you are going to mature even more and as you continue to mature, you "will" meet others along the way that "could be" good partners too. That is what this experience is teaching you the most right now. And, to be honest with you, that is also what this young girl is also learning too.

You had a breakup that you reacted badly to in your past, you just discovered you can heal and love someone else and do better things and enjoy yourself, that was good for you, the main lesson you learned is "to keep going forward" and new people can come into your life that are fun to be with, and can bring a spark of love too, and that old relationship was not all that, which you can see better now. Well, just see where this leads with the knowledge that it can actually happen again for you too. Twenty two is so young yet, you will mature so much more than you realize, and along the way you will meet others that will fit with that new level of maturity, that is really the reality of this time in your life too.

If this girl decides to choose to stay with this boyfriend, let that go, it just means you didn't really find the right match, that is all, just know that you have learned that you actually "can" grow and change and mature and meet another person that is exciting and wakes you up with feelings of "love".

[Open Eyes]

When I think back on my own maturity level at age 22, I really did grow and change a lot throughout my 20's. Just as you have grown and matured so much from when you were in your early teens to now, you will know more in your late 20's then you know now too.
What you like or love "now" can change a lot by the time you are in your late 20's with more life experiences under your belt.

I agree with Skeezyks in that thinking about "is this the one" as though one person you develop love for might be the only one designated for "you" in your life. Well, that is just in a Disney Movie really. It really does take "time" to really "know" another person too, the first intitial romance can be nice, but not really something "worthy of long term" because we don't really get to "know" another person well enough right away and often we tend to give another person attributes that are not really there, because we love that person too much right away.

A lot of individuals that are still young yet, as you are, are in love with "love" and tend to miss important clues that another person shows that may not really be the best match for them. I can look back on my own experiences and realize the things I missed and I am glad I did not stay with different people "I thought" I was in love with.

At 22, no matter how mature you may believe you are, you are still going to mature so much more. You "are" still finding yourself, and that is pretty normal for your age too.
If you learn anything at all from this, learn what I have mentioned in my other post, that if a relationship doesn't work out, be patient and keep growing anyway, because there will be others that somehow come into your life path that may compliment the person that you are growing to become.

OE

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Dorian, there's nothing wrong with how you feel or with what you want.

You did make a poor choice in indulging in actions with her when you know she has a boyfriend. You really should have respected that guy more than you did. At the same time, she also chose to betray him and ultimately the problem is with her - she's playing two of you at the same time.

Both you and her bf deserve better than that.

Thank you. I was thinking the same thing.

Dorian, if you were a woman society would place most of the blame with you. But you're not (how lucky for you....)

IMHO you are both equally as guilty. Sadly, that's the way of the world, now.

I really do suggest honesty with everyone involved from now on.

[ladytiger]

Someone asked how do I feel about Army guy? At first, I was head over heels for him like falling for him hard and...in love with him again thinking we could start over since our relationship didn't go very far 10 yrs ago. Now, he is putting demands on me for an answer and then tells me I need to give him a reason for him wanting to be with me when he confessed his love for me! If you confessed, do I need to give you a reason?

He is in love with me yet wanted to go have some fun with another woman (asked me to join them) and on top of that I just read his fb post saying he was gonna go out on a date or whatever with another female in TX!! Should I even care?! He got the nerve to tell me he doesn't wanna wait on me yet he is the one who should have told me this a few years ago, he waited to tell me now in 2014. Also, 10 yrs ago, we should have at least tried to make it work if he really wanted to be with me. My bf told him you lucked out buddy find someone else. It's funny how Army guy and I would stop talking for a good while then end up chatting again. This guy thinks sex makes things better (he is 31) and will clear his head.

I do care about him, he hates my boyfriend as the feelings are mutual on both ends. Whatever happens to my boyfriend and I we will always love each other, but this has nothing to do with Army guy. He is refusing for me to wait until I get my feelings sorted out at first he was willing to wait now he wants a quick *** answer! It was like talking to Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang always gotta be so analytical and pushy yet he called me pushy!

[DorianStorm]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hi again DorianStorm

Hello again Skeezyks! And thanks again for responding. I will really consider your words and take them to my heart. You have some wise words and so I ask you what do you think about showing this thread and some of these answers to her? Or if I could at least tell her why I'm backing off from her.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

IMHO, even though you are mature, you are still young yet and so is this young woman.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

When I think back on my own maturity level at age 22, I really did grow and change a lot throughout my 20's.

Thank you for the responses! You really seem to have put some thought in them.

All in all from you posts the kind of feeling that I got was that throughout my life I will grow and change and mature and thus finding different things and people to be in "love" with. I'm so sorry when I say this but that doesn't sound too great to me. It sounds like everyone is just another person and there are no special ones. I agree that we in our small little minds create the meaning to all of those things. But does it mean that we shouldn't?

And I know and accept that whatever this is this might just be a fling for both of us (most likely for her).

I'm really having tough time trying to explain what I'm saying .

I'm young and I'm "growing" and I'm finding myself. Does any of that stop me from finding love that has the potential to last for years? Or should it stop me?

The way I reacted to my breakup was that of realizing that the person who I offered my heart and life didn't want them anymore and didn't think of them enough for her. I don't know how other way I should've reacted to that except get and be depressed for about 2 years.

I'm sorry I'm coming off as an immature child with response and I do hope I'm not hurting you with this. This is just purely how I feel.

Thank you still! Appreciate the advice!

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Thank you. I was thinking the same thing.

Dorian, if you were a woman society would place most of the blame with you. But you're not (how lucky for you....)

IMHO you are both equally as guilty. Sadly, that's the way of the world, now.

I really do suggest honesty with everyone involved from now on.

Thank you for your honest opinion, I really do mean it.

Originally Posted by Creamsickle

You are both young, she's not married, not engaged, nor are you. What is the problem here? You may have both found a very special person in each other. Neither of you know how this will turn out. Take it slow and see where it goes. If things develop between you, it may become easier for her to make her decision. I believe life has a way of going in the direction it was meant to take.

I did save you for the last place for a reason. It gave me a bit of hope but now I do feel that I do not deserve that ray of light.

Thank you, my friend!

[hamster-bamster]

I agree with The Skeezyks in that from what DorianStorm described, the young woman seems genuine and vulnerable rather than insincere and manipulative.