[neutrino]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years. He's a great person and he's been nothing but kind to me. We're quite incompatible sexually though, which is a huge problem for us. I've been doubting the relationship for a while.

I currently have some kind of crush on a person I'm working with (I think so). She's beautiful, I smile every time I see her, I feel a bit nervous around her and I pay more attention to her (when she walks by etc.) than other people. Yesterday when I was walking home from work I was thinking about what it'd be like holding her hand, go out with her, kiss her etc. I'm not in love with her. I hardly know anything about her. This is probably superficial, but it's still there. I'd never do anything about this because I'm in a relationship and I'm not a cheater.

Being attracted to people other than your partner is normal and I think crushes are too (as long as you don't act on them). It makes me feel like a really bad person though. Mostly because I don't really feel this way about my boyfriend anymore. Like I said, I've been doubting the relationship for some time but every time I think about maybe leaving my boyfriend I get super scared. Part of me thinks leaving my boyfriend would be the biggest mistake of my life, but the other part of me thinks I can't live like this. I'm unhappy (not only because of the relationship).

My boyfriend's a wonderful person and I really don't want to hurt him. Thinking about hurting him breaks my heart. I often even think it'd be easier and better to off myself than to hurt him.

I'm a bad person. I feel stuck but there's no guarantee that I'll ever find someone else who wants to be with me. I'm a bad person who'll die alone.

Is it normal to have crushes on other people while in a relationship? Any other thoughts on this?

[divine1966]

IMHO if things are great then you wouldn't be having crushes. When I felt like having a crush was when my marriage/relationship was going downhill. I don't think you'd be having crushes if things were as good as you say they are

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[ozzycat]

I'm going thru something similar and I know what you are going thru. I know with my situation I felt chemistry with this other person that I really don't have with my current boyfriend. I am trying to work on the relationship to reignite the fire and I am ending it if I can't. Sometimes relationships can't be fixed and it made me realize I don't need to settle for a unhappy relationship. Unfortunately the person I had chemist ry with is married so I will not pusue it no matter what happens in my current relationship but who knows maybe one day we will both br single I still think about hinlm

[Bill3]

I often even think it'd be easier and better to off myself than to hurt him.

If you off yourself he will most definitely be hurt.

You have mentioned several intertwining themes, including: suicidal ideation, doubting the relationship, willingness to stay so as not not hurt him, sexual incompatibility, attraction to another, fear of being alone, unhappiness that goes beyond the relationship, self dislike/self-hate. I wonder if you can discuss or have discussed what you posted here with a therapist.

[ozzycat]

It might be good to try to talk to him about what your going thru To see if f there is a chance you can be happy again with him then a counselor..that's what I am doing

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

If you off yourself he will most definitely be hurt.

You have mentioned several intertwining themes, including: suicidal ideation, doubting the relationship, willingness to stay so as not not hurt him, sexual incompatibility, attraction to another, fear of being alone, unhappiness that goes beyond the relationship, self dislike/self-hate. I wonder if you can discuss or have discussed what you posted here with a therapist.

Well, if I off myself I don't have to be around to watch him get hurt. I know I'm terrible for thinking that and I know it's completely irrational, which is why I'm pretty sure it won't happen (also, offing myself would affect more people than my boyfriend and I don't want that - I don't want to hurt anyone).

I do see a psychologist once every two weeks or so and we've been talking about some of this stuff a little bit, but far from enough. I'm afraid of going on and on about the same thing (I know my psychologist doesn't want us to get stuck).

Originally Posted by divine1966

IMHO if things are great then you wouldn't be having crushes. When I felt like having a crush was when my marriage/relationship was going downhill. I don't think you'd be having crushes if things were as good as you say they are

Never said things are good. Things are quite bad actually. We have good days but (had a really good day a few days ago) but those days are pretty rare, which is sad. I should add that things aren't bad for my boyfriend most of the time. I think he's happy-ish in this relationship. I'm the one who's unhappy. Everything is my "fault". I blame myself. I ****ed this up by being myself.

Originally Posted by ozzycat

I'm going thru something similar and I know what you are going thru. I know with my situation I felt chemistry with this other person that I really don't have with my current boyfriend. I am trying to work on the relationship to reignite the fire and I am ending it if I can't. Sometimes relationships can't be fixed and it made me realize I don't need to settle for a unhappy relationship. Unfortunately the person I had chemist ry with is married so I will not pusue it no matter what happens in my current relationship but who knows maybe one day we will both br single I still think about hinlm

I don't really know if I have "chemistry" with my crush. I just admire her from afar. I don't know her. I talk to her but I don't know her. It does make me a little disappointed thinking that there will never be anything between us but that's stupid. It's stupid because I'm in a relationship so I shouldn't be disappointed.

Anyway, I hope things work with your boyfriend.

[Bill3]

I'm afraid of going on and on about the same thing.

Well another way to frame this is to note that one benefits from looking at things multiple times and from different perspectives (as different events occur in your life). "Working through" means that discussing something once might be progress but it isn't enough progress. Progress occurs over time, with multiple looks and discussions.

(I know my psychologist doesn't want us to get stuck)

Your psychologist's views are of course of interest but in the end this is your therapy. It is possible for a client to be focused on pleasing a psychologist more so than is therapeutic for that client.

(had a really good day a few days ago)

It was really nice to read this. Perhaps think about what was so good about that day, what made it go so well, and speak to your boyfriend about how he and you together might foster the occurrence of more such days.

You are very hard on yourself in these posts. I wonder if you would be equally critical of someone else who was in the same sort of situation that you are. (I suspect not.) If not, I wonder if it would be possible to extend the compassion that you would give to others to yourself, now.

[divine1966]

If the relationship is bad then it explains why you have crushes on other people. I personally wouldn't stay in a bad relationship. Life is too short for that

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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by neutrino

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years. He's a great person and he's been nothing but kind to me. We're quite incompatible sexually though, which is a huge problem for us. I've been doubting the relationship for a while.

I currently have some kind of crush on a person I'm working with (I think so). She's beautiful, I smile every time I see her, I feel a bit nervous around her and I pay more attention to her (when she walks by etc.) than other people. Yesterday when I was walking home from work I was thinking about what it'd be like holding her hand, go out with her, kiss her etc. I'm not in love with her. I hardly know anything about her. This is probably superficial, but it's still there. I'd never do anything about this because I'm in a relationship and I'm not a cheater.

Being attracted to people other than your partner is normal and I think crushes are too (as long as you don't act on them). It makes me feel like a really bad person though. Mostly because I don't really feel this way about my boyfriend anymore. Like I said, I've been doubting the relationship for some time but every time I think about maybe leaving my boyfriend I get super scared. Part of me thinks leaving my boyfriend would be the biggest mistake of my life, but the other part of me thinks I can't live like this. I'm unhappy (not only because of the relationship).

My boyfriend's a wonderful person and I really don't want to hurt him. Thinking about hurting him breaks my heart. I often even think it'd be easier and better to off myself than to hurt him.

I'm a bad person. I feel stuck but there's no guarantee that I'll ever find someone else who wants to be with me. I'm a bad person who'll die alone.

Is it normal to have crushes on other people while in a relationship? Any other thoughts on this?

Attraction? sure. That is completely normal but when you describe what you think of the woman from work I do not see mere attraction. The fantasizing and wondering what it would be like to be holding her hand etc, I do not think is normal. Does it happen? sure but nevertheless it's a sign that something is not entirely satisfactory in your current relationship. A good relationship would give someone enough contentment and satisfaction that these fantasies would not be happening.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Attraction? sure. That is completely normal but when you describe what you think of the woman from work I do not see mere attraction. The fantasizing and wondering what it would be like to be holding her hand etc, I do not think is normal. Does it happen? sure but nevertheless it's a sign that something is not entirely satisfactory in your current relationship. A good relationship would give someone enough contentment and satisfaction that these fantasies would not be happening.

She did say that things are bad

[neutrino]

The relationship is bad from my point of view. And that's because I'm a bad person. I'm the root cause of the problems.

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It was really nice to read this. Perhaps think about what was so good about that day, what made it go so well, and speak to your boyfriend about how he and you together might foster the occurrence of more such days.

You are very hard on yourself in these posts. I wonder if you would be equally critical of someone else who was in the same sort of situation that you are. (I suspect not.) If not, I wonder if it would be possible to extend the compassion that you would give to others to yourself, now.

That good day contained alcohol, sushi, and video games.

I am very hard on myself, yes. I deserve it.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by neutrino

The relationship is bad from my point of view. And that's because I'm a bad person. I'm the root cause of the problems.

Hm what do you do that makes you a bad person

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hm what do you do that makes you a bad person

- I don't give him as much sex as he wants (I simply don't feel like it)
- I'm depressed/anxious/autistic, which affects our relationship
- I have a crush on someone else
- I feel desire to be with someone of the same sex
- I'm non-heterosexual and non-cisgender, which is something I can't really share with him (he knows I'm bi but knows nothing about my gender), which makes me feel bad

Etc.

[Born To Succeed]

Hi neutrino. It's very nice to meet you. I'm new here, so I feel newbie-ish-like. Anyway, I can relate to what you're feeling because I have been there.

I am going through a divorce. When I was dating my ex-wife, there were good times and bad, and during that experience, I was suffering from a lot of depression and paranoia. I also had (and still do) self-esteem issues. And to be honest, I wasn't all that happy with her. There was always that 'something' missing, know what I mean? The sex was okay at best, and she didn't meet my emotional and intellectual needs all that much either. But we did have some good times.

The mistake I made was being with her for the wrong reasons. I didn't think I could find someone else because I didn't believe anyone else could love me, and I was also afraid to let her down and break her heart. What this led to was me having crushes on every other woman I met, including her sister. I never acted on any of my desires to be with these women, not until we were nine years married and she asked for a separation. We separated and I began pursuing other women. I fell in love with one of them and we live together now.

What I learned about myself is that I have needs, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that everybody has needs. There, I said it! So if we all have needs, and assuming they are healthy needs that won't negatively affect others, then they must be met. Some needs you can meet yourself, as I'm currently learning from Dr. Jonice Webb's book Running On Empty. However, I believe that some needs have to be met by others, like your partner, your friends, your whatever.

So what I'm saying is, having a crush on another person didn't make me a bad person, but it was (desperately) telling me that something was wrong in my life. And it was that my needs weren't being met. I'm slowly learning that when my body is telling me that something is wrong, or something doesn't feel right, it's in my best interest to give it my full attention and figure out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

I guess you might want to ask yourself the question, "what is this crush, or feeling, telling me?"

And btw, the fact that you're here with concerns about doing the right thing or having inappropriate thoughts, it tells me that you're really not so bad (read, you are not a bad person). :-)

[Bill3]

Those items you listed do not make you a bad person. None of them.

It sounds like you stay with him out of fear of the unknown and so as not to hurt him by ending the relationship.

If the relationship ended, though, both you and he would be free to find ways to better express your true selves. Therefore, propping up, maintaining the relationship may be hurting both of you.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by neutrino

- I don't give him as much sex as he wants (I simply don't feel like it)
- I'm depressed/anxious/autistic, which affects our relationship
- I have a crush on someone else
- I feel desire to be with someone of the same sex
- I'm non-heterosexual and non-cisgender, which is something I can't really share with him (he knows I'm bi but knows nothing about my gender), which makes me feel bad

Etc.

don't give enough sex - does not equate to someone bad. who is to say his expectations are some kind of standard that you fail to meet? No if he judges you by the fact that your sexual needs differ, that is a problem but being in a relationship is not just a one direction thing where one person is at the beck and call of the other for all his or her needs whether sexually or otherwise! In many relationships males expect and want more sex than the female wants to give and that's quite natural but no, that doesn't make all those females out there in your shoes are bad either.

I'm depressed/anxious/autistic, which affects our relationship - if you are all of those things, none of them define either the good or badness of someone. Really there are rare few things that would make anyone a "bad" person, only bad choices and behaviors. Which of these do you actually actively make a choice to be?

I have a crush on someone else - again it is a warning sign that something is not right in your relationship now but it does not make you a bad person. Once again it's not something you exactly have a choice in the matter of, although taking action on that crush could be deemed a bad choice and behavior while being in an existing relationship but you haven't done that. All of this is feelings and thoughts.

I feel desire to be with someone of the same sex - I risk sounding like I'm repeating myself but once again this is something that is not a choice by you but a "desire" a feeling, something that you dont' actively choose. How can that make someone a bad person?

I'm non-heterosexual and non-cisgender, which is something I can't really share with him (he knows I'm bi but knows nothing about my gender), which makes me feel bad - ok so this makes you feel bad but that does not mean you are a bad person either. Perhaps being able to trust someone fully would give you the confidence to share yourself completely but you're not in an environment like that, it seems.

You really take on a lot of undeserved guilt for things related to who you are. Accept what, and who you are. find contentment with yourself or you're going to continue having these fears, guilt and all with him and/or any other partner you have going forward. I honestly would suggest some time alone to get to know yourself and grow but I know almost all people that I say that to reject that idea.

[ozzycat]

Great advice you give

[kamikazebaby]

It doesn't have to be physical to constitute cheating.

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

It doesn't have to be physical to constitute cheating.

I know. I'm not cheating though. I experience thoughts and feelings (?) I can't really control. If I was to act on those thoughts/feelings, that would be cheating (even if it wasn't physical).

Born To Succeed, Bill3, and s4ndm4n2006: I think you're all right. It's just very difficult to not hate myself for all of this. My boyfriend is pretty much the most wonderful person in the world and he doesn't deserve getting hurt. Anyway, I think my crush and all of the feelings of doubt I have signal that there's something that not right in the relationship with my boyfriend. I'm desperately trying to figure this out because I want us both to be happy.

Sometimes I try to think of what I'd do if I didn't have to take anyone else's feelings into consideration. Like, what would I do if I didn't have to worry about hurting my boyfriend or my family? What would I do if I didn't have to worry about ending up alone? What would I do if I didn't risk being homeless if I broke up with my boyfriend? Even if I didn't have to worry about any of that, it's still a difficult decision. I still don't know what to do.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by kamikazebaby

It doesn't have to be physical to constitute cheating.

Cheating is what you constitute it as, and what your partner constitutes it as. There is no clear cut line for everyone.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I think the reason you feel like a bad person is because you are feeling the guilt of hiding your true feeling and your true self from your husband. You are not a bad person. But if you keep hiding from the truth the guiltwill jjust grow... I think you need to open up to your husband about your sexuality. Ppl can occasionally surprise us. You obviously care about him at least enough that you are concerned for his feelings... I would think and talk to a T about where your unhappiness and guilt stem from... I think if you keep part of yourself locked away would cause anyone great unhappiness. At any rate the only "bad" I can see that you are currently doing is allowing whatever you fear from telling him the truth. I know it's easier said than done but pretending to be someone who is not your truth and staying with someone to "not hurt them" is only a road to devistation. It not fair to either of you. And although the truth may seem harsh and the aftermath is usually gonna hurt... That pain is fair less the sooner you come clean. Think about 5yrs down the road... if you continue on the current status quo...then inevitably you can't take it anymore or he finds out what you haven't told him so how either just figures it out or around the way...That would just be cruel to both of you. You are carrying a heavy load.... Only the truth can set you free.