[Yismymindblank12]

This is a very specific thing. I think I need to address, it's going to be brief. I'm very bad as social context clues, I mean I know how to respond to them normally, but I'm bad at taking them. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I get overwhelmed in fear and anger on myself. When I am sexually attracted to someone and want to get to know them. I do everything right, but I'm left with them confused about me.

I don't get my point across, because my mind is in confusing. In a fog, I'm not shy or awkward about it. I get lost in what I'm doing unintentionally and sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself.

Some guys who never get gf's or don't have looks have a better sex life and relationship life than I ever will.

I'm not trying to show it as like I'm a superficial jerk or only cares about looks, but I'm telling this as an important problem I have.

I don't know what to do, I think after I was raped a lot as a child and dated 8 people who did nothing, but brought more emotional harm and baggage I'm letting go even more. I've let go alot, but their is some remains from a long standing issue.

Many girls I talk to think I'm gay or into guys because I am different. It's so frustrating and sad sometimes that I can't choose between conforming to get what I want faster which is getting laid more, quality communication in person, or someday get a girlfriend when I feel ready.. It makes me so mad, I feel like when many people doesn't matter how they look or charismatic they can be or not. They can get everyone's attention naturally so easily like I can, but they'd always pick them for many reasons they know them a very long time, or that the people they are around are superficial about the things they like to be around so they tend to stay in that area.

It's so hard and disheartening. I'm trying my hardest to make it look what I'm trying to say. I'm desperate for a connection and not for sex all the time even though I would like it a lot more and not all the time either.

I have body dysmorphic disorder. I hate everything about my body, because of this issue. I work out as much as I can, I have tried purging and probably going to be pushed into anorexia. I don't want to get into that again, or this topic on eating disorders, but it's caused by the lack of females telling me how good I look or people liking my looks. I'm told I'm attractive from certain people, but I know it's not the people I want to hear it from even though it's nice and I appreciate it. I don't go out and people want to talk to me, because I'm hot. I seriously been working so so hard at trying to over achieve that.

I've lost 70 lbs from my heaviest I've been in my whole life. I was 225 lbs last year lost about 70 lbs
and I'm trying to lose a lot more. I walk and run a lot every day. I am cutting my calories way less, I don't smoke, don't drink pop anymore. I don't take medications I physically feel great, but I hate how I look. I hate my face and I hate everything about me physically.

Not being told how good I look has killed me since ever. My last 4 exes have killed this part of me the most. Some telling me how ugly I look everyday even after they screw me a lot. The fact they tell me I should kill myself with a bag over my head. I even had the other extreme where I truly hate, when my last 2 ex girlfriends told me I'm gorgeous, and the relationship was us having sex nothing really grounded as a friendship. It was too much and made me sick inside and hating myself more feeling like my body is used up, but they don't want to look at me, but want to use my male parts for their pleasure saying that's the only part worth of me..

I'm like muscular and still hate myself and my looks. I feel this is the root of my depression and loneliness and I don't have help on it. I want to tell my therapist who is female what I should do and who should I be referred to in this situation therapy won't fix this..

I only wanted to be a very attractive young woman, I'd have way more confidence than I would as myself. See I try to be positive and utilize what I have and make the confidence happen with my current looks, but the reactions I get of people disgust and people telling me I'm ugly in person before. Makes me want to die a lot. I have a skewed vision because of it, sometimes even though this is not what I believe,

"I sometimes feel fooled to feel like I have to be black, latino, or whatever minority to get more girls.. I sometimes subconsciously feel, but don't believe that lesbians want to harm me and tell me how ugly I am. That if I talk to a girl about wanting to get to know her, or approaching her being flirtatious she will want to sick her friends on me to harm me like I'm a roach."

This goes on in my head so much without me trying to believe this stuff before. I scream at myself at home and hit myself and tell myself how ugly I am.. No one wants me, every girl I talk to wants to spit on me. I can't get to know anyone, people just want to hurt me. I feel like I shouldn't be here and when people tell me not to worry about it and live my life. I'm already doing that and focusing on myself, when this comes up as an issue at an inconvenient time when it doesn't happen all the time it's less than occasional. It hurts so much, because I know it's been occurring all my life.

I used to do a lot of ocd type of rituals and still do just to put value points on my self worth on the time and preparation I want to do to look perfect.

It's horrible, and all I want to do is throw my body away. I sometimes get so depressed from this situation not very often, but sometimes. I'll purposely do x or pill pop in very rare but open situations to say **** you to everyone who doesn't want me here. I'm throwing my body away like you all wanted me to.

Am I perfect now?

It's a deep eternal hell I live in with this... I think even though moved to something like a BDD or eating disorder thread. I think it's all about relationships, because this has hurt my relationships the most. I self harm to prevent myself crying in public, because I'm trying to be happy and perfect, but I can't. All I want is someone to want to be around me, some girl I like or someone thinks I'm perfect.. At other times I want to be free sexually, and feel like I'm not oppressed and suppressed and have to shut up or else I'll get yelled at how I can't feel this or that.

Right now, talking about it makes me want to purge.

This is why I need help.. I know it's a distortion, but I don't have the tools in interacting with others. I'm doing this all by myself and not getting very far.

[Rose76]

Besides girl friends, I think you could use some male friends, or just some friends of either gender, who are only friends, not sex partners. Get involved in things where you interact with others on some structured basis.

Sounds like you've been through some awfulness in your life. Finding a good therapist might be worth doing.

Some people who are very plain looking have nice friends and even get into good relationships. So it's not all about whether you are ugly or not. Some gorgeous people have hideously bad relationships. Keep the heck away from mean people, and actively seek out nice people. That could go a long ways toward healing your scarred soul. Actually, it's the only thing that will.

[Tommo]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

This is a very specific thing. I think I need to address, it's going to be brief. I'm very bad as social context clues, I mean I know how to respond to them normally, but I'm bad at taking them. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I get overwhelmed in fear and anger on myself. When I am sexually attracted to someone and want to get to know them. I do everything right, but I'm left with them confused about me.

I don't get my point across, because my mind is in confusing. In a fog, I'm not shy or awkward about it. I get lost in what I'm doing unintentionally and sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself.

Some guys who never get gf's or don't have looks have a better sex life and relationship life than I ever will.

I'm not trying to show it as like I'm a superficial jerk or only cares about looks, but I'm telling this as an important problem I have.

I don't know what to do, I think after I was raped a lot as a child and dated 8 people who did nothing, but brought more emotional harm and baggage I'm letting go even more. I've let go alot, but their is some remains from a long standing issue.

Many girls I talk to think I'm gay or into guys because I am different. It's so frustrating and sad sometimes that I can't choose between conforming to get what I want faster which is getting laid more, quality communication in person, or someday get a girlfriend when I feel ready.. It makes me so mad, I feel like when many people doesn't matter how they look or charismatic they can be or not. They can get everyone's attention naturally so easily like I can, but they'd always pick them for many reasons they know them a very long time, or that the people they are around are superficial about the things they like to be around so they tend to stay in that area.

It's so hard and disheartening. I'm trying my hardest to make it look what I'm trying to say. I'm desperate for a connection and not for sex all the time even though I would like it a lot more and not all the time either.

I have body dysmorphic disorder. I hate everything about my body, because of this issue. I work out as much as I can, I have tried purging and probably going to be pushed into anorexia. I don't want to get into that again, or this topic on eating disorders, but it's caused by the lack of females telling me how good I look or people liking my looks. I'm told I'm attractive from certain people, but I know it's not the people I want to hear it from even though it's nice and I appreciate it. I don't go out and people want to talk to me, because I'm hot. I seriously been working so so hard at trying to over achieve that.

I've lost 70 lbs from my heaviest I've been in my whole life. I was 225 lbs last year lost about 70 lbs
and I'm trying to lose a lot more. I walk and run a lot every day. I am cutting my calories way less, I don't smoke, don't drink pop anymore. I don't take medications I physically feel great, but I hate how I look. I hate my face and I hate everything about me physically.

Not being told how good I look has killed me since ever. My last 4 exes have killed this part of me the most. Some telling me how ugly I look everyday even after they screw me a lot. The fact they tell me I should kill myself with a bag over my head. I even had the other extreme where I truly hate, when my last 2 ex girlfriends told me I'm gorgeous, and the relationship was us having sex nothing really grounded as a friendship. It was too much and made me sick inside and hating myself more feeling like my body is used up, but they don't want to look at me, but want to use my male parts for their pleasure saying that's the only part worth of me..

I'm like muscular and still hate myself and my looks. I feel this is the root of my depression and loneliness and I don't have help on it. I want to tell my therapist who is female what I should do and who should I be referred to in this situation therapy won't fix this..

I only wanted to be a very attractive young woman, I'd have way more confidence than I would as myself. See I try to be positive and utilize what I have and make the confidence happen with my current looks, but the reactions I get of people disgust and people telling me I'm ugly in person before. Makes me want to die a lot. I have a skewed vision because of it, sometimes even though this is not what I believe,

"I sometimes feel fooled to feel like I have to be black, latino, or whatever minority to get more girls.. I sometimes subconsciously feel, but don't believe that lesbians want to harm me and tell me how ugly I am. That if I talk to a girl about wanting to get to know her, or approaching her being flirtatious she will want to sick her friends on me to harm me like I'm a roach."

This goes on in my head so much without me trying to believe this stuff before. I scream at myself at home and hit myself and tell myself how ugly I am.. No one wants me, every girl I talk to wants to spit on me. I can't get to know anyone, people just want to hurt me. I feel like I shouldn't be here and when people tell me not to worry about it and live my life. I'm already doing that and focusing on myself, when this comes up as an issue at an inconvenient time when it doesn't happen all the time it's less than occasional. It hurts so much, because I know it's been occurring all my life.

I used to do a lot of ocd type of rituals and still do just to put value points on my self worth on the time and preparation I want to do to look perfect.

It's horrible, and all I want to do is throw my body away. I sometimes get so depressed from this situation not very often, but sometimes. I'll purposely do x or pill pop in very rare but open situations to say **** you to everyone who doesn't want me here. I'm throwing my body away like you all wanted me to.

Am I perfect now?

It's a deep eternal hell I live in with this... I think even though moved to something like a BDD or eating disorder thread. I think it's all about relationships, because this has hurt my relationships the most. I self harm to prevent myself crying in public, because I'm trying to be happy and perfect, but I can't. All I want is someone to want to be around me, some girl I like or someone thinks I'm perfect.. At other times I want to be free sexually, and feel like I'm not oppressed and suppressed and have to shut up or else I'll get yelled at how I can't feel this or that.

Right now, talking about it makes me want to purge.

This is why I need help.. I know it's a distortion, but I don't have the tools in interacting with others. I'm doing this all by myself and not getting very far.

I can see 100% of your problem just in your question. "Picking up women???"

If you don't see them as anything more than an object...you are doomed.

Some suggestions...

Find a place where the women that gather there have something in common with you. If you have a sailboat...frequent the taverns close to a marina. Of course, I'm just painting a picture for you...but you get the idea.

Keep in mind that these gals are there for THE SAME REASON YOU ARE. Just be a gentleman about it.

BTW: I skipped over the hygeine part......

Good luck....

[Yismymindblank12]

I have male friends and I have a good therapist. I don't have any sex partners at the moment and haven't had much over all.

[Yismymindblank12]

No you got me all wrong. I know it sounded off. When I made that question. Agggh It's so frustrating to explain it accurately.. I don't think of women as objects. **** I don't know how to describe what I'm saying...

[Yismymindblank12]

There is no use. For this, I'm doomed, because people don't know what I'm dealing with my self hatred on my looks, I starve myself to be good enough. It's an overwhelming feeling of that. I overachieve, because I'm afraid of dying alone after everyone I know dies. It's a feeling, I'll have no control one day and I don't want my life in someone else's hands. I want to feel good enough, many times. I want to be a woman myself. I exercise a lot I eat less and I'm doing my best to talk to people and form friendships with individuals. I don't see them as objects, I don't know how to use anything descriptive or literate for people to understand the feelings I'm going through. This is a very common issue I have, and I can't see context clues in just people when I feel like they hate me, it's not that they hate me that bothers me, it's feeling like I'm scared they'll make my life hell, because I'm not good enough and I don't look perfect. I can't fix myself to be what they see me to be.

[Yismymindblank12]

I make music, I'm not around women who do music, and love it. Many of them despise what I do, because the girls I've dated only cared about me being perfect for them and focusing on them... I'm not objectifying anyone. I am being objectified. I've felt it, many many times in relationships. I am still scarred and many days hurt my current body image issues.

You have no idea how hard it was for me to post this...

[Yismymindblank12]

Intimacy is so hard, because of this. I hate letting people in, because many of them don't try to know me, they just walk over my feelings if I let them. Many times I tell girls who play games to go **** off, I'm not here for a convenience and you lie to my face all the time. A friend of mine did that recently. It's like I can't feel what I'm supposed to feel without confusing everyone. I type so much, because I don't feel my message is good enough or makes sense. It's so hard, every time exhausting myself, because I'm crying for help and the fact. I'm so isolated, I'm dying slowly, it feels like...

Like all I want to do, is not eat and destroy the guilt.

I just want to continue to work out so I'd be perfect.. I don't want another girl to date me, for just their amusement and using my body as an object. I get mad, when I'm told that, because it's happened to me over and over again. I've been raped many times by men too as a boy. So it's traumitizing, I'm so hard on myself and so quiet. I lie to people in person all the time what I'm feeling I'll fake being sad about something else, not even make fake tears or force anything. I'll change the subject of what bothers me the most in person, just to avoid confrontation of ignorance and being yelled at, "why do you do this to yourself?" "You don't have to do this! you need to grow up! get a life!" My closest friends who don't have this issue told me this and I just lost a best friend because of this recently.

It's an obsession, and all I want to do is be perfect or nothing. I haven't had a person I really liked, prove to me otherwise and really connect with me. Give me a reason to let go... I don't want to do it to myself, because I'll fall back in this pattern again.. It's so scary you don't know. It's like I gotta starve now or later.. I gotta dress myself this way or that way, gel no gel, shave or no shave, I gotta spend hours on my looks, I have to figure out what I should work out on. I gotta spend time, worrying how many times I've eaten and what I've eaten. I choose to be very very conscious of what I see and I need to see a scale.. As a male it confuses everyone.. I am saying, I want sex, because of my work on myself, my superficial people are so engulfing, I'll go to a church, a local event, places I usually go to like hookah bars, and nightclubs just to have fun for myself, and when sometimes a girl wants to talk to me I'm extremely skeptical I feel like she just wants to come on in, destroy whatever she wants and leaves.

I'm used to this happening so I don't know what to feel, I'm stuck being skewed in the head, because of the abuse of my exs and my childhood has brought me. Many times, I don't think of myself as a person. I used to not look at myself for over 5 years in a mirror hoping I don't see the monster in there.

I wanted to feel pretty and amazing like many girls do, and I couldn't feel like that in my body as a guy. It's very difficult the loneliness I'm going through, I'm not having friendships because communication feels like it is non existent. I feel like I talk to walls more than anyone else. My feelings are poured onto inanimate objects hoping they bring me the nutrition i need for my soul..

It's starving, beyond starving.. So much it's killing my body.. I punch myself in the face when I feel like I'm wrong and misunderstood. Many times, when I'm the most misunderstood in those moments, I can be suicidal, because I feel trapped and scared that everyone's intent doesn't want to help, but have me die.

It feels like I'm a hostage in the company of others and in my head... The voices tell me how worthless I am, and the people's interactions seem to coexist with it even if it's a good time and bad time. It's like when I need something, I say I want something, to give it less value to show you or whoever online, I'm not a jerk, just trying to show I need less to show I'm doing ok.. I should be loved or what not... It's what I've been so used to living life as, I was abused by other people all my life. Beaten, raped, and forced into isolation as a child, I still have ptsd from some things... I'm 20 and it's like I'm abandoned because everyone is going away or dying/dead.

I feel like I'll be old and no one will know who I am, just an old delusional man who was probably lost. So we'll keep him alive on tubes or something. It's my biggest fear and having lots of weight again..

[Rose76]

You sound like there is a lot going right with you. Do you ever think that maybe you are ready to fall in love and partner up with someone? Having more access to sex is . . . well what single person doesn't want that? Maybe you need one special person to love you and be loved by you. Maybe playing the field is not really right for you. You do sound sensitive. It sounds like you have partnered up with some mean people. Maybe you mainly need one really good person to be with.

[Yismymindblank12]

Yeah. I get very turned off very fast when someone is not at my level of thinking. I feel angry and resentful and I choose not to talk to them an I get very agitated. I want a connection I feel more known than myself someone who actually is positive in my life instead of telling me how much I need to improve myself in a condescending manner that I can't do good enough.

[Tommo]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

I make music, I'm not around women who do music, and love it. Many of them despise what I do, because the girls I've dated only cared about me being perfect for them and focusing on them... I'm not objectifying anyone. I am being objectified. I've felt it, many many times in relationships. I am still scarred and many days hurt my current body image issues.

You have no idea how hard it was for me to post this...

I'll make it even harder with this stark truth: if you aren't happy with yourself...why expect a perfect stranger to be happy with you???

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Get into the best physical shape you can...ya know...the "diet & exercise" thing. You need a confidence-building makeover.

Hey...come to think of it...look at this site...we all do!!!!!!!

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by Tommo

I'll make it even harder with this stark truth: if you aren't happy with yourself...why expect a perfect stranger to be happy with you???

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off. Get into the best physical shape you can...ya know...the "diet & exercise" thing. You need a confidence-building makeover.

Hey...come to think of it...look at this site...we all do!!!!!!!

You really don't understand, I don't expect you to understand. I mean I only made this post and most likely expecting superficial answers. I cannot really have any way to vent... I get yelled at by everyone.. I take everything out on myself. I show my confidence and use it as a screen. I'm not trying to be fake and no one thinks I'm fake, I feel I'm fake, I'm coping the best I can..

You aren't in my shoes, I've said to so many people who get so hard on me, and don't ever understand or look at my perspective. Have no idea how hard I have it... I choose to smile and put up with everyone's ****. Then blow up and tell them all to **** off, because they aren't doing anything but bringing me down... Then I am currently dealing with a constant loneliness. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I used to be having lots of "friends" to no one. I'm happy they are gone, but I am more realizing, that it's not over. I'm still isolated as I was before, I wanted someone anyone to show I'm not so alone..

I hate explaining this, I do, it makes me feel worse about myself and everyone who gives me this "tough love" needs to piss off.. I do that to myself all the time already.

I did it when I was beaten all the time and raped.. I'm struggling entitlement to my own happiness, many days I shouldn't feel happy, but I choose to, but many days when I should be happy. I still choose to, but always always being told I should build my confidence up.

I'm lonely because everyone who wanted to help me, chose to be ignorant putting me in a box deciding to leave me alone what they perceive is safe and good for me and not what I want. It was never what I want or needed. It's always about them..

I had grown up having no one, a whole town telling me how worthless I am, going through this damn story over and over again. Trying to show I'm not lying, I'm not something what people want to perceive and every time they get it wrong. I'd rather want to die, because I'm not a coward to my own feelings. I beat my feelings up and pick myself and then try to get courage to go through the day.

I am only wanting to die, because I want control.. When others like to come in and force me into this state to make me suffer more in their minds, but I'm not. I can survive loneliness.. When I needed people to support me they were never there always telling how I can't be good enough. You are saying what they are saying, and they choose to believe it's something else and it isn't

It makes me angry., but I can't be angry, because I should expect you or anyone else on here to be as ignorant about me. It's not a bad thing, but it's what I hate about myself.. No matter how many connections I've made, I hate my relationships with everyone. It feels always empty, it feels like I'm never heard and something I've wanted all my life has never came. I've accepted it may never come ever...

Someday I'll kill myself when I know I will have to be put in a hospital and that my life is in someone else's hands. That will never happen. I will die my way and only by my hands, and no matter who was confused about why I was so sad deep down.

They will never know, because they don't want to know they don't care to know and I don't care to involve myself with others who don't care about me.

Telling me I shouldn't feel my feelings.. I'm stubborn and hateful of people like that, because I know I make mistakes, but it's all they focus on...

I constantly beat myself up and hallucinate everyone telling me how worthless I am, it can get so bad when I visually see my perpetrators hitting me like before and trying to hurt me like they did before almost ending my life, but not yet because they want me to suffer in their torture methods more in a masochistic way...

You think, if you felt like that. You wouldn't know who to believe. You wouldn't know what to feel. Knowing what death was like 4 times and being alive grateful and confused and angry of no justice no support no love and so you do what you can do fill it with loving yourself, but when it's not enough at certain times and you want to feel you're aren't so alone and you get comments like, "well if you aren't happy why should anyone be happy with you." all the time. You wouldn't know how to accept yourself after awhile, I mean you'll be grounded in who you are, but if you wanted to do something with another person talking, making plans, or feeling like they want to with you is non existent for things constantly out of your control. You'll lose your mind too.

Like that, you'll end up like me talking to walls, eventually being so used to the solitary confinement you'd rather speak to objects and things that are relevant even if abnormal to yourself before.

You don't know. You shouldn't assume. I'm losing weight, because I'm not happy. It's a form of me trying to ask for help... I don't have people who really want to be my true friend, many people wanted me dead. I made stupid choices at a party with drugs and people left my body to die and freeze to death in 29 degree weather with a 14 degree windchill. I was lucky a stranger took me home. I wasn't conscious or moving. I don't even remember it, except being told that. I'm so grateful and so cynical and hurt, because of people who really didn't support me and labeled me. I'm suffering and taking it out on myself just to have some control.. I had a rare neurological disease that should of killed me on my 16th bday I remember everything going black and slow when my lungs were hard to use and my body was going into my very first cardiac arrest from my brain not sending the signals of my organs to work. My muscles, stomach, bladder and everything stopped. The antibiotics barely saved me, I'm still suffering a movement disorder and psychological trauma from it. I'm scared of hospitals and prefer killing myself and dying outside of one.. I fear living more than I fear death..

I choose to be happy, because I don't have any othe choice. So please don't come here thinking you know all the answers you don't and you know it.. That wasn't a hard truth it was pure ignorance.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm used to that labeling from my family, my sister, my friends and they started off being like that and then they were abusive and treated me as a disabled person. I was always called retarded all the time. So hearing that, just triggers me. Sorry.. I made stupid choices in my life before and learned from them, I don't date, because of my last ex was an alcoholic, that wasn't my problem, but she forced her issues on me and it scared me. So I know what you mean by what you said, but you don't know and have insight and that is my fault.

I'm devastated and just want someone to love me and accept me, and so I'm not always staring at nothing hoping something will appear from it. I make things happen out in public, people say positive things to me, but I don't trust it, because I feel many people either don't care which is normal and doesn't bother me, but I'm really talking about they want to take advantage and use me till I'm nothing of use to them being very very sneaky.. I'm extremely skeptical and tell the blunt truth to others, but when someone tells it to me, it doesn't shock me, because it's not true.. I try to learn their side more than mine, and get lost finding myself confused and going back hating myself.

Nothing gets accomplished except a constant cycle of being given attention trying to put my effort to show I care and then always get abandoned. It's life, I get it, but it shouldn't mean I shouldn't feel upset. I'm stronger from the situation, but it doesn't mean I'm not incapable or disabled when I feel my worst. I lost my child as an abortion from a very horrible ex who never wanted me except for a booty call, she always said she loves me after hitting me and telling me how worthless I am. I didn't expect this to ever happen to me in my life ever. I let her in not knowing how abusive she was. I fear letting anyone in, it's like no matter what risk, it's always been someone who wants to destroy me and let them take what they want.

Just stop and think, before thinking I can do something about the traumatic feelings, because I've made those choices and pushed people away and attracting people in off and on. Constantly struggling, because I hate feeling alone no matter who has came into my life. I enjoy the company, but nothing came out of it. Just disappointment all I can do is push on and hope someone comes by that fit what I truly need, but that hasn't happened.

If someday if it never happens. I'll end my life, and I won't be sad or cowardly because people rather label an illness or someone's tough situation a crutch or a disability. I hate being treated like that, you made me feel like that whether you intended to or not...

It will be where I'm the most happiest moment when I'll die some place far away from the states alone and appreciate the nature of where I'm at before passing on.