Now what do I do?????

Hi,, I've been in a relationship for 8 yrs now,, we've been having problems. well he moved out finally and told me that he didnt' love me. that was about a month ago, he still sees me every day and he says that if he knew that we could be happy together he would take me with him in a min. But how can you spend 8 years with someone and not love them?? Is that even possible. I feel soo lost without him and it hurts so bad. We have been getting along better, but I just don't know what to do or how to do it. Any one ever been through this or any advice for me??????

Hello Lostone and welcome to Psych Central.
I sincerely feel that you need to look at this relationship as it is at this time. Were there problems in the relationship I assume there were problems otherwise the two of you would be still together. I would highly suggest waiting to get reinvolved with this person until you have time to see things clearly for yourself what is happening in the relationship and gt the help of a professional therapist to help you regain composure in the relationship. I hope the best for you in the future. Take care Soidhonia

My heart goes out to you. Breaking up is hard to do.

When I was married, the times I got along best with the X was when we lived separately.

((((((((((((((lostone)))))))))))))))

What is so hard for me in a similar situation is that it makes me question my entire belief system. Specifically, the question about whether you can live with someone for 8 years and not love them. That's a hard thought. Makes you re-evaluate the whole eight years ... which is painful.

It seems clear that he DID love you ... and that some part of him still does. But that he's not IN love with you ... and that is something more ephemeral. There is a certain magic to that, as well as chemistry.

Were you completely happy in the relationship? Or did you sense that there were things that were missing for you, too? Sometimes being the person who got dumped makes us forget the things we were missing, too.

Thank you for your replies!! And to answer the question about wether i was happy or not,, at times yes,, but more not then yes. I Love him,, I truly do. He has always had emotional issues... we were together for almost 5 years before he ever told me he loved me, he went through a really hard divorce his highschool sweetheart. And hes a military man,, so he has this stubborness, and this wall built so high, afraid to be hurt again. The first month we were together he told me that he'd never allow himself to love again, and the problems we had in our relationship is our gambling. We started years ago, and it got REALLY bad. We both have a problem. And it just destroyed us. Thats what he said when he told me he was moving out, he said that we both have to get our life together and we just can't do it together, we've tried, but that he wants us to together, he just wants us to get ourselves and our kids right first. he has his son and I have mine. Do you think that I am stupid for holding on? Do you think that we could make it after all this, after living apart, i guess its kinda like starting over, and that scares me,, it scares me more to think of my life without him.

Lostone, I'd do exactly as he suggested and start looking to my own life. Look into some other interests; a better job, school, a group/hobby away from gambling, etc.

I think the 8 years without anything to "show" for it is a bit long. I don't just mean marriage or anything "formal" like that but something would have developed; you'd be working together on a life/project? I lived with my husband 5 years while he was going through his divorce and getting his act together (I'd never been married) but we had marriage in the back of our minds and a life together "permanently." It's been 18 years we have been married (seems like maybe 2 :-) and now we're retired! I can look down the line from here back to 1984 when I met him and see a "logical" progression where we've been in tandem together.

But during that time I've always been working on my own life, myself and therapy and my own jobs and interests too. Today I'm going off all day on an adventure of my own :-) for part of a college course (I'm 56 and already have a college degree, this is for a second one I'm just interested in). I have been planning for today for a couple days.

I don't know why you see your guy each day but I would do some exploring away from whereever that is. I'd maybe change my hairstyle, buy a few new clothes, do some volunteering or take a few continuing ed classes at the local college, etc. and see if I couldn't get some other interest and "balance" into my life. That's very attractive I think; someone interested in their own life and looking "balanced"? I imagine he still has his eye on you and if you "get a life" :-) it's possible he'll be inspired by you and do the same and come back or whatever; it's possible too that you'll grow ahead of him and find a new love. I did that; I had a boyfriend of 3-4 years who was 20 years older than I was, had been a Marine pilot in the Korean War (shot down behind enemy lines and full of shrapnel) and who made me go away. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, my being made to go away from that man whom I loved. I found my "true" love at my new job and have been living happily ever after since :-)

When I was dumped by my boyfriend (now my husband--we were high school sweethearts) he wanted to date other people in college. I was devastated. I was supposed to go to the same college he was attending (he was 2 years ahead of me in school), but I decided to go elsewhere so I wouldn't have to see him daily & so it wouldn't look like I was "chasing" him.

I needed to get my own life as Perna said. I had become much too dependant on him. I started dating other people & really worked on myself. He flew down to see me a couple months later & said he realized he loved me & wanted to get back together. I first told him "no" as I was feeling a lot better about myself & wasn't sure I wanted to get back into that dependancy thing I had before.

Well, that made me all the more attractive to him! He kept pursuing me & after several months I relented & we got engaged. Been married for 32 years now. We have our share of problems, mostly due to my bipolar & being so emotional, but he has stuck with me.

Maybe he is your "true love", but it sounds like he is taking some good steps to improve his life. You should address your gambling issues, as well, & focus on your child & your own areas that need improvement. You'll feel better about yourself & make yourself more attractive to him or possibly another man who is out there waiting to meet you.--Suzy

Inventory your life with him... you have not had true happiness.... learn to live a life and respect yourself. It is so painful not to have love or what you thought was love. Find someone who will love and respect you.. everyone deserves that.

Thank you all soooo much. I have changed alot about myself already. I've lost 25 pounds, I've changed the way I dress, I basicly didn't care before, now I fix my hair and makeup. I feel sooo much better about myself. But I still love him, and I still think that he is my one. Its hard because I dont see how he could walk away the way he did if he truly loved me. Hes so confusing about the way he feels, he doesn't show emotions. In the 8 years we've been together, I've always been the one to hug him, to kiss him, to show my emotions. we've only been apart one time and that was for 2 weeks when he left for military things, when he came home it was like a new person, he hugged me and kissed me like he never had. He told me over and over how much he missed me, and loved me. It was like he was surprised he felt that way. I know in my heart that he loves me, I know it. I just don't want to grow further apart, I don't WANT to find someone else. I want US to be OK, is that wrong? I can't sleep at nights because I get so lonely and miss him so terribley.

Lostone - Hello. I am sort of in the same situation as you are except it is my wife who left me. We have been married for 9 years....both going to college to get a better future ( I thought) and then back in September she left and moved back into her paren'ts home. She said she needed to "Find herself" apparently that involves meeting men she does not know for sex. She has changed almost completely from what I knew her to be. I have changed too. I've lost about 35 pounds and I continued on in my college classes and am doing alright. Istay awake at night though wondering how I could make it work...I tried everything I could think of. But it did not work. April 2nd the divorce with be over and I will be single again.....something I never thought I would deal with. I also see her quite a bit since we both go to the same college. I have just decided to focus on "me" not selfishly but to improve and get the things out of life that I want. I have been hurt big time...and I don't knwo if I will ever marry again. This for me is my second divorce....my first wife ran off with her girlfriend. SO relationships for me are I think a mystery! I ran across this saying the other day and I thought it was awesome:

"Never make someone a priorty who only thinks of you as an
option."

Hope you start to feel better soon.

Tobey

First, let me admit that I have not read the entire thread, but the original one and a glance that someone else has a similar problem.

He sounds like he has his cake... and... meaning, he still has the type of relationship he wants from you, while he also has other relationships he wants. This leaves you in the lurch. End this now, for your own good? He's playing ya, imo. He's playing with your heart strings.

I'm sorry that you invested so much of your time into this guy...but glad that you finally see what kind of guy he really is. I fear this for most long drawn out relationships... the one person just allows it because of the goodies they get, on their time in their way while the other one keeps planning for a lifetime and waits and waits and waits.

Move on. You've already gone through the hardest part, really. Find your freedom again, then look for a real man.