How my affair ruined my life

Hi everyone,
I am new to this website and posting on forums, but I feel it is the only way I can get my feelings out and get back control of my life. I am not very good at putting thoughts to paper but I could use some advice from anyone who is willing to give it. Here is my story:
My husband and I have been together since I was 19, 8 years. We got married June of 2014, so married 7 months. We were the happiest couple around. My friends loved him, my family adores him, and I always portrayed myself as happy. I had a great job, was purpose to on thanksgiving night in front of my friends and family in 2013, and was so excited to start the rest of our lives! At least I thought I was.
I never told anyone before, but my husband, will call him A. had a few online flirting affairs and one with a coworker as well. He swears nothing went past flirting and texting, but I was devastated. I never fully trusted him after that and I was so mad that he would hurt me like that. I have also had the same group of friends since we were little and they mean the world to me. I never once told them what he did as in fear they wouldn't to be able to forgive him. So I kept quiet. A and I have a lot in common but at the same time we are completely different. One of our differences is that he's a quiet home body and doesn't like to be too social, where as I'm the life of the party, social butterfly. Right around the beginning of 2014, so about a year ago, I felt this difference between us was pushing us apart. I started going to parties by myself and attending Social events solo and I was fine with it, but deep down I could feel our connection and attraction to each other drifting. At that point another man in my life wasn't even a thought, and I was happy going out, having drinks, dancing the night away with friends, and going home to my then fiancé. Until the one night that changed my entire life.
It was April 5th 2014, and it was a friends birthday, and we all took a limo around town to local bars. A had originally said he would go, but then decided he didn't want to, which was no surprise. I, as per usual attended by myself. Well the limo had a lot of booze and I had not eaten much that day, so it's safe to say that alcohol played a huge role in this, in the beginning. I met the man I had an affair with that night, I'll call him K. K and I had met briefly a few weeks back, but it was so brief I didn't even realize I met him. We started chatting and drinking at the bar. We had a lot in common and as the night went out, and the drinks we shared, the more and more I was crossing that line. I ended up not remembering the rest of the evening to waking up to a nightmare. I woke up naked, next to K, at his friends house. I couldn't believe what I had done. I had cheated on my fiancé. I immediately woke up, woke K up, and asked if he could bring me to my mothers, since I couldn't dare go home to A with what I had done, I needed to gather my thoughts and get a grip on what I had done. That was the first day of the rest of my double life.
That night, K and I talked via facebook messenger, then exchanged numbers. I thought in my head, okay if I just keep it friends, and never do it again, I don't have to say anything to anyone. I felt so disgusted with myself, but at the same time I felt this weird attraction to K, and didn't want to stop talking to him.
A few weeks went by without seeing each other, but we were constantly talking via text. I mean I couldn't put down my phone. Then we started seeing other out, running into each other on purpose, and we started having a full blown affair. He was saying all the right things to keep me with him. A had no idea about it, because he was too involved with his video games. Months went by and I just kept on sleeping with K. I then started to deliberating pushing A away and finding ways to not be around him. The week of my wedding came and I still was involved with K, even though we both tried several times to break it off, we kept finding ways to be in each other's lives. I got married fully knowing I was not 100% in love with my husband, and still thinking about K. After my wedding, K and I thought it would be best to not contact each other because it was wrong. But someone we just couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. I ended up losing my job, and losing some friends because of that decision. Finally, in August, my husband had gotten a phone call from someone telling him about me and K. I lied through my teeth and said it only happened once and that we were just friends. We agreed that I wouldn't talk to him anymore. By of course I couldn't stay away and I went back to K. In October things between A and I were so bad, I was ready to leave him and be with K. I confessed to K that I was going to file for divorce and that I was moving back home with my mother. I was scheduled to go on a cruise with a bunch of my friends, and A was not going. We talked a lot that night before I left. I knew I wasn't going to have any contact with K or A during the week on the cruise. We talked and he said when you come back and you want to work it out, I am willing to if you are. We both need to make adjustments in our lives, and if we are willing to make those adjustments, then we should stay together.
I went on the cruise, had an amazing time, and the first night on the balcony I was looking over the water and I realized one thing, I missed A, more than anything. I thought about him that whole week. I couldn't imagine myself without A. I then started thinking, oh my god, what have I done? I destroyed my husband, my job, my life over K. And over what? When I got back from the cruise, I realized that I needed to cut off all contact with him, which I did. I blocked him on all social media and I blocked his number, and never talked to him again.
But now, my life is terrible, because of this stupid affair I had. I can't seem to find a job, A and I have some good days but really really really bad bad days, a few of my friends won't talk to me because of what I've done. I can't believe I allowed myself to do something like this because before I met K, I was that person always saying "how can you cheat on the person you love?" And now I'm that awful person who did that. I feel awful everyday of my life. Some days it's really bad, I sit and cry and can't get out of bed. Some days are better than others. The reason why I am even writing all of this out is to get some perspective on my situation. I am punishing myself and I don't know how to stop. A feels like the affair is his fault because he wasn't there for me, he didn't give me the attention that I was looking for, so I went elsewhere for it.
I am really at a loss now on how to move forward. Any suggestions? Thank you for your support in advance,
Sincerely,
Looking to be happy again.....

First you will need to forgive yourself. If you can do that, then you can focus on what you want in life. Rebuilding your relationship, finding a new job, moving on, whatever it is that will put you back on track.

Don't be so hard on yourself...you're human and we all make mistakes! First thing is to forgive yourself! Your fiance was not there for you. Did you do the right thing by having an affair? No, but that's what you did to help yourself feel better. An affair is like a drug...it can become an addiction. You did the right thing by having no contact with K. But honestly, your relationship with A sounds less than fulfilling. If you have to socialize without him the majority of the time, that's a problrm in my mind.

I have been married 25 years and my husband won't go out with me. I go to the movies along, I go to church alone, I've gone to the theater alone, etc., etc. it gets really old!!! We don't have to be joined at the hip, but having a partner for fun is part of being married!

I had an affair that lasted 16 months. I completely fell in love. My affair partner moved out of state for a job, and that's the only thing that stopped it. My husband knows about it. We have talked about it and have gone to counseling. Unfortunately, we are heading towards divorce. Not because of the affair...that was only a symptom of our problems. I have a lot of needs that are not being met in my marriage and that's why I want out.

I have found this website helpful: Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice. It has a lot of information on what is required for building a maintaining a successful marriage. Also has info on affairs, how and why they start, getting out of one, and rebuilding your marriage.
I would also suggest couples counseling if your husband will go with you. But the first thing is...forgive yourself!!!! Keep us posted!

I also married my husband when I knew things weren't so sure, but we went ahead because we knew we couldn't live without each other. That, and because I fell pregnant so my situation was ******. He found out about my flings when I was heavily pregnant, and everything went downhill. I raised my newborn alone, while trying to save my marriage. But finally I had called lawyers up for a divorce but decided to go to a pdoc, cause things were too crazy

We are "okay" right now. We don't talk about it, but we talk about other things. I go to therapy for general depression. I respect him and ask him what he needs from me, and what I need from him. I tell him I feel lonely, he steps up and vice versa

Affairs are DEVASTATING. I don't think anyone expects, when s/he embarks upon an affair, that life will become so painful, complicated, and tangled up. Or perhaps it is more truthful to say that a deeply troubled marriage is what's devastating, because that kind of marriage is what leads to the affair. I don't have any great answers...all I will suggest is that you let go of blaming yourself - or blaming anyone - and accept that life is far from perfect.

I believe that you could benefit from individual counseling. A good counselor will help with understanding how it happened, being gentler with yourself, and starting to get your life back together.

Quite bluntly, though I feel sorry for you, I also cannot have much respect for you. If you feel that something is missing in your relationship, it is your duty to discuss it with the other person, even if doing so is unpleasant. No matter how difficult the situation, first try to resolve the issue with your partner. If it doesn't work out, LEAVE, and then do whatever you want.

If you can't resolve it, FIRST dump your partner and THEN go f**k ten other people ... I think that's totally fine, as long as you're not pretending to be committed to any one person.

I think cheating is the worst way to hurt your partner. I feel sorry for your husband and cannot believe he is still with you. It is unforgivable in my eyes. Cheating is never the answer to relationship problems.

Again, I don't mean to hurt you, I'm just being honest as I would be wasting my time otherwise. You seem remorseful about it, which shows you have a conscience ... however, some things just cannot be undone, and this is one of the worst possible ones

That said,

Clearly you have never been in a marital relationship in which you TRY AND TRY to awaken your spouse to the very glaring issues in the marriage and they flatly refuse to make changes to better the marriage. What a loser reply you've thoughtlessly added to this thread.

You've resorted to name calling ... wow That means my responses to you are going to be few and short.

I didn't resort to name calling. I described the behavior (not the person), since this is a forum where opinions are sought. As a forum member, I have the right to express my opinion in a respectful manner, and I did so, without directing insults at anyone.

True, I have not been in a marriage. That is the only valid point you made. So, I will admit that I don't know how it is to be in a desperately hopeless marriage. But, I still stand by my opinion that cheating is not acceptable. This opinion may mean nothing to you, that's fine, but it's still my opinion that I'm standing by.

If you want to speak in a civilized manner, I'll be happy to talk to you, but please don't bother replying to my posts anymore if you are going to continue calling people names.

Have a wonderful day.

Please not that I didn't call you any names, I called your reply a loser reply. And in my opinion, it is...cruel, really. You've never been married, yet you slam Isthisreall1fe...much like someone who has never been a parent, but tells others how to raise children. Bah. No need for you to talk to me. I won't mind a bit.

I am not quite sure why you felt the need to respond to this thread. You came across very harshly and judgmental and did not add anything substantial, or helpful, to the conversation. Perhaps you've been cheated on? And then, after telling the Op you "cannot have much respect" for her, you give her a hug. Bizarre!

I'm inclined to agree with you. When one has nothing nice to say, it's often better not to say anything at all.

About not having respect and giving a hug, I guess it's the behavior (cheating) that I don't respect, not the person (original poster). So, I should have phrased that differently too. I gave a hug because, despite my stance on the matter, I do feel sorry for the poster's situation, and having been through a very tough life myself, I do feel empathy for others in pain. It's ironic, I know, so I understand your confusion, but that's just the way I felt.

Re-reading my response, I agree that I came across as judgmental and insensitive. You're right that it was not a constructive or helpful response to the original poster.

Yes, I have been cheated on before, but it wasn't a huge factor in my response. It's just a principle thing for me.

I did feel the need to respond, because the topic of cheating, in general, is something that I feel very strongly about. But, I agree that I should have phrased my response better or not responded at all.

Original poster: I sincerely apologize. I didn't mean to ruin your initial experience on this great forum. I will say no more on this thread.

The purpose of this life is to become wise, strong and loving beings.
Everything that happens in your life happens for that purpose.
All things are working out for good.
That is all you need to know. <3