Non Speaking Husband

Here's a thought I'll just plant as a seed for future thought. If you have hopes of being a mother some day, is this a man you would like to have as the father of your children? Does he express the values that you'ld like to have taught to your children? Will he be a good role model to a future son on how to be a man?

No need for you to answer me . . . . just ponder this in your own heart.

One has to wonder if you maybe married this man because you were at a point in your life where you wanted to be married, and he happened to be available. Is there any real love holding you two together?

Again . . . don't answer me, just ask yourself. You speak about him in such a detached way, as if he were your landlord.

Rose 76. Your response is something I have not thought about and has not crossed my mind. I've had a lot of great responses but this one has me in deep thought. I'm 24 years old and he's 29. I will get back to you on my response. Thank you.

We have one account that I am on. I've never written a check or used the account for anything. He's the only one that writes checks. He will usually give me gas money or money to buy something. I don't usuly ask for anything. I buy my own things when I need theme it's my own earned money.

Rose 76. I knew the minute I read your post what my thoughts were. I had to sit and think prior to posting a response. You are 110% correct on what you said about the values he would teach to his child (son). The apple don't fall from the tree. Right? How would a daughter be treated by her father (someone like him)? No. I would have to say that I wouldnt want a person like this to teach/treat his children the way he is treating me right now. Its not ok.
He just came back yesterday and was very happy. He was very happy all day UNTIL he got up to go to work. Well once he got to work all He!! broke and back to being unhappy again. Right now Im there to take the blunt of everything that is happening in his life and to be told how bad of a person I am.

It does't sound like this man loves you. It doesn't sound like you love him. It sounds to me like he married you because he thought you would be submissive . . . and you are, to an extent. It sounds to me like being with him has been financially helpful to you. Well, you're not the first woman to enter into that kind of an arrangement. But you sure don't have to stay there. Leaving now might be inconvenient because of school, but school won't last forever.

It has happened that people who were not romantically head-over-heels in love have made marriages that endured and were beneficial to both partners. In some cultures, this is common place. Maybe that applies to your culture. But in those marriages, there had to be some bedrock of mutual respect. I don't see where you are getting even that.

I very seldom recommend therapy because I think people greatly overestimate what therapists can accomplish. But I am going to strongly recommend therapy for you. Your immediate problem is this very unhappy marriage. But a deeper problem is why you ever got into this marriage. I don't think you're ever going to be very happy with this man, but there's a good chance that, if you leave, you'll wind up with someone just as bad. You need to sit down with a good therapist and explore this whole submissive cast of mind that you go around with. That's what attracted your husband to you. And, if you get out of this marriage, you'll continue to attract men like that . . . maybe even worse. It's very odd for someone with your intelligence and education to be this passive. You need to look into why that is. There might be some short term counseling available to you through your school that wouldn't cost much. Also, it would do you good to attend support group meetings for women escaping domestic violence.

It would be a shame to have worked as hard as it takes to earn that master's degree and, then, go on to live in a completely dysfunctional home situation. But this does happen to smart women and to women with all kinds of education. The advantage education gives you is that you should be able to support yourself. You really need to spend some time living on your own and supporting yourself. My guess is that you come from a background where women tend to be dependent. You can outgrow that, if you want to. It would be good to achieve that before you start having children with someone. School is developing one part of your mind, while another part seems to be living in the dark. While you are still young, try and become all that you can be, as a person . . . become a person who runs her own show. Some things you need to learn can't learn from books, as I'm sure you already know.

No. By all means I'm not dependent on him. When we first met. He brought his clothes and moved in with me. I had my own apartment, working and going to school. When he moved in he didn't work. He got a job about 6 months later. He sold his truck and about three months we shared my car. At any time have I been dependent on him. My mother has worked all her life and had a very good job when she married. She is very independent. When we married I took two part time jobs to help with bills ( which I do pay them myself).
I will be completing my school in 8 weeks then I will go on to my full time job. I'm being passive right now because getting irate with someone wont help when he is already worked up about things.

Well, then you know plenty about organizing your own survival. It sounds like you were a good influence on him. So he got his act together, after he got involved with you. Well, you can be proud of helping him get to where he is. So, now, he has been somewhat helpful in you getting to your goal. He should be glad to do that.

So, maybe, once you are out of school, all this discord will blow over. Who will do the cooking then?

Lots of couples go through tough times, when they just about can't stand each other, and come out of it to have a good, close relationship. I hope that happens for you and your husband. If it doesn't, it sounds like you could consider other options and do just fine.

You've been asking posters on this thread to explain why your husband is acting this way. Really, no one is in a better position than you to figure that out. Sometimes a person will act just as bad as he thinks he can get away with. Your husband thought he could get away with exiling you to other people's couches. And he did get away with that for awhile. I hope you have been inspired by the posts here to expect better for yourself.

Get through the next two months and on to your full time job. Then, if being passive doesn't get you the treatment you have a right to expect, then try getting irate. What have you got to lose? Actually, experts in behavior say that what we all need to learn is how to be appropriately assertive, which is not a matter of being either passive, nor irate. Maybe take yourself a class on that.

I think dependency isn't only measured in terms of finances. You can be financially independent from him (which you clearly demonstrated in your post above), but dependent on him in other ways.

My guess would be that you are dependent on his appreciation towards you. You mentioned that you did a lot for him when you guys first met. Providing him a place to stay, transportation, and extra funds for bills. Surely he showed appreciation for all these things, no? Then as soon as he took that away and showed dissatisfaction with how you did laundry, cooking, etc, you immediately tried to adjust to fit his needs.

Do you think you may have overcompensated everything just to please him?

I could be wrong, but it seems to me like what you really wanted out of a marriage was to be appreciated for everything you could contribute. Because let's face it, you are really smart, thoughtful, hardworking, and admirable.

The only reason I say this is because I too have been in a relationship where I did everything for the guy. My friends and family were extremely disgusted with me and would say things like, "You're wayyy out of his league." "What do you see in him?" "Why are you paying for his rent?!"

I think Rose made a great point about how your husband wanted a wife who would just be submissive and serve him. Of course, you couldn't have possibly predicted that 6 years down the line, things would turn out like this. So don't worry about the past. Just please do your future self a favor and try to break free of that need to always please him.

I would have never of thought he would change and say I need to do everything in the house. It would if been nice If he communicated this with me. When he told me to leave about 6 weeks ago I had no clue why I was asked to leave. He wouldn't speak. All he kept saying was it was ALL my fault but still had no idea what I did ( that's why I was so confused). As the next couple weeks unfolded he told me I crushed him because I didn't cook all the time, I asked him to help me match socks, and the house needes to be cleaner ( our house is clean).
When this happened I was very confused. How would I know he was crushed when he never said a word? The only communication I received was to get out. Yes, of course I was shocked. One minute you think the marriage is good then the next day I'm out the door. What timing. Now I'm coming to an end and am thankful for all the great responses from everyone. This was not the man I married but this is what I ended up with. I don't bring in the big dollars right now but I do bring in money to pay for things. Yes, I do continue to pay the bills and now my tuition. I'm over the crying and confusion. I'm still young and have a future ahead of me with or without him.

Yeah, your husband is a complete d-ck. Try that perspective.

That's the spirit!

Let the countdown begin as I come to my completion.

I will have to start completely over such as new friends and a new place (of course). Because of my job being in the same area I have to stay for now. I'm sure I can make all new friends because my job will in sports and at times I do some traveling. Deep down inside I will never forget but I will to have a shield up not wanting to trust anyone.

It's not easy uprooting yourself and branching out again in an unfamiliar place. If you run into anything else, don't hesitate to come back here for thoughts or suggestions. We support your efforts!

I hope you can learn to trust people again. While it's true that you can't trust everyone, that doesn't mean you can't trust anyone. Be cautious. But don't completely close yourself up. Trust is not a bad thing. But like they say, all things in moderation, yea? *hugs*

No its not easy to up and move. At this point there isn't much more I can do. I put full trust in my husband and for him to do this after 6 years over dinner and laundry ( not that I had laundry everywhere)? He always had clean clothes and so did I. To me when you marry someone you work on issues that are a conflict not just throw the other one out of the house and give the cold should for close to two months now.
That why I said I will have a hard time trusting but in time I will again. Everything takes time. Oh and I'm not done with this forum. This has been the best thing for me. As long as I tell the truth then I can see how outsiders see this and voice their opinion. I have this funny feeling that he has told stories that are more to defend his actions. Which are not true especially to his family.

Ok Friends.

I have now been told that the problem is the job. He can not stand it, hates it, hates everyone that works there (a few family members), the commute, and claims unfairness. Meanwhile, I am taking the blunt of it all. I listened and he said he wants to quit. I told him I would support him in his decision. He doesn't need to make the money that he is making now he can take a couple of steps back to relax. I have been his therapist for this week because he will not get help. He has so much anger built up its unreal. Comments or suggestions.

I have ready your story and the responds to your story. I have lived your story also. Do not loose what you have worked so hard on for his sorry butt. You are a great person for the load you have carried and you are still carrying. He has issues and it is issues you can not work out for him are you would have already worked them out. I left my wasband the end of June over this same stuff. I felt like I could have dropped dead and he would have just kicked me to the curb and kept going. He probably would not have even called anyone either. No lie. I gave him everything in the divorce because I have everything I need. Now I'm not telling you to do that, this was just what I chose to do. He would not sign divorce papers at first. Then 2 days after him receiving them he started dating someone new. 2 weeks later he agreed to sign them. He was always so sick he couldn't help with just small things around the house. He only worked about 4 hours a day and would not do anything but play games on the computer the rest of the time. I worked 10 hours a day and would walk in the door and wanted to know what was for supper. Now when we met I explained I could cook but did not like to cook. He cooked when we dated. But I even did the cooking for 8 months, then it was something else I wasn't doing. I finally had to give up. They just wasn't enough hours in the day to get everything done to make him happy. But now he can stay out all night with this new girl and he not that sick any more. So talk to a lawyer and get advice on what to do. I was told from him I moved out so I had to pay for the divorce. I did, but we see who is dating now and moving on with their life. Which I think that is why he treated me so bad to try and run me off. But I didn't want the marriage to be a failure because of me. But I c an truly look back and say that wasn't anything I could have done to make it any difference. I had started collage when we met and I finished my degree. I have opened my own grooming business and moving into my 4 year. I have been in couslin since July. He says he is just a bad person. But I will tell you this when you love someone and you put everything into it to make it work, it doesn't not make it hurt any less when you go through the divorce. Try to get finish with your degree before starting it. I have up day, down days, and days I just want to die. Take care of your self and go after your goals. He doesn't sound like he cares about your well being. I'm sorry if I'm to hassle but all of this has really took a told on me and me moving forward in my life. I sure hope you handle it a lot better than I have. I hope this will help. If you have question please feel free to friend me. I would like to be here for you. I haven't had anyone going through all of this and I am about to go crazy.

You deserve far better than this "man".

Seriously, wake up, the way this guy treats you is very poor.

It sounds like your husband may be emotionally unstable in the face of stress. See if he might be willing to go to the doctor to talk about his feeling stressed out. I don't think this is about anything you are or aren't doing. Ideally, it would be good for him to have a psych evaluation.

Well as time is moving forward. We are talking more ( I sit him down and make him talk). He doesn't want to but it helps him release stress and it helps me try to understand what could happening with him. His actions have been horrible with some awful things that were rude. As time is passing he has been better with his words and his actions are better. I have 8 weekday and counting the weeks to finish my degree. He can be a part of my success or he can choose not to.
I've have asked him on several occasions if he would see a doctor, therapist, pastor, or go to church. The answer is still no. He thinks he could do it on his own.
The question is how long can I take it?

That's really up to you. It's possible that he may never change. It seems that he may want his relationship with you to be a caretaking one, where you are caretaking of him. When you first got together, you provided everything to him. Maybe he didn't get mothered enough when he was a kid.

Rose 76. I've been thinking the same thing about mothering. When he moved in with me it was about 6 months before he got a job. So within the 6 months I worked part time, attended college, and played a college sport. So I wasn't one a lot. He did the cooking. I don't understand why he would want the nature of a mother now.
I do know that she his parents separated as divorced that he was with the dad a lot because mom was out partying and doing her own thing. I guess she didn't come back for the kids until she remarried and settled. Her attention was focused and is still focused on her husband.

Rose 76. People have been asking if my name was on the house he purchased right after we got married. I said yes I went in and signed a month later to have my name put on. We were in a hurry so the company had the paperwork ready. No one explained. We went in and I signed.
Well well!! Last week I found out the house is only his. The papers I signed gave up my rights to the house. I asked him about it. He was shocked that I knew. He said the company recommended that he do this. What the heck wasn't he honest in the beginning?
Now... Who should be the one mad?
This last week he keeps complaining that he's frustrated because he hates his job. Which now I know he really does hate it. Don't I have a right I be frustrated as well? Look at what he did without me know!!'

Clearly your husband has been looking out for number one since day one...


If I were in your shoes, the deceit regarding the house would've been the final nail in the coffin of my marriage.


I would never want to be with someone who did that to me... Especially not with all this other ill treatment going on.


Thank God I read everything I sign.


What exactly keeps you with him at this point? Loyalty? Stubbornness? Hope?


Seriously, I don't see what you see in this man to keep going back for more. More what? Attacks, lies, disrespect, blame...


Why are you subjecting yourself to this?

Did he purchased it with his money and did you contribute anything to the house?

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It seems like everyday is a new day with something else I have found out or he says I have done. He purchased the house with most of his money but in the state we live in once you marry it should of been community property. All he had to do was say (be honest)what he planned on doing, be honest l, and tell me. That's what marriage is about. Honesty, Communication, and trust. If he would of told me. I would have been fine with it. I trusted what he said and signed the paperwork in trust of what he said. Damn in me for trusting. The point is he mad at me for the small things yet I should be the one that is furious about what I found out!!