Non Speaking Husband

That's an excuse. No one acts this way over dinner not cooked. I wouldn't believe a minute it is over uncooked dinners.

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Thats what I asked him. Then he got mad and said I was just being a nag.

That's what I have been asking myself. The first two weeks I didnt get any answers. After about a month this is the answer I received along with the bedroom. In the bedroom he was rude and demanding so I turned my back. That went on for a week.
HONESTLY, this is what his reasoning is. So I have been cooking everyday since I been back in the house. Yet at times he has told me its his job, his mother told me its a majority of work. He tell me its only me that has ruined this marriage because of those two items that I mentioned above. He says I have crushed his heart into pieces and I have made him feel worthless. Honestly, the bedroom was a week of me turning my back. I just dont want to go into detail.

Nobody would blame you for not having sex! Who would want to have sex when treated poorly.

And what's with dinners, he could make a sandwich, what's the big deal? Omg. Really he is nuts

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I did make dinner just not seven days a week. This is what I'm getting from him. Because I didn't cook 7 days a week I made him feel worthless. Then of course sex but being rude just didn't attractme that week. That week he came home angry. So now he is being stubborn and holding a grudge.

You aren't obligated to cook 7 days a week or even one day. Many couples have labor division, one cooks the other cleans etc there are no rules about women and cooking

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Thank you Devine1966. He told me that once we married I should of known to do the wife duties. At that time I had quit a part time job because of the hours but I was and still am working on my full time masters degree. This is has been going on since February and I have six weeks to go to completed my degree.

And when I was asked to leave the house. He never told me there was ever an issue about cooking. how would I know what he was thinking??

I could see if you stay home and he works. Then you take more household duties, other than that you share responsibilities. "Wife duties" is long gone tail. Wtf?

My ex husband wanted to get divorced but wouldn't admit it so he constantly complained and made my life difficult so I couldn't handle it and divorced him.

Then he acted like he wanted to fix things, nope, it was too late so he told everyone he didn't know why I left him. Really?

We eventually developed good co-patenting relationship and have been friends for many years so it is all forgotten and forgiven but at that time omg he had unreasonable complains and demands and drove me nuts

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I did stay home after I quit my job. The hours wee not good. I had and sti have sco that is online. The house is clean and food cooked about 3 days. He likes to cook and would cook a couple of the days. I don't know why he just say didn't say. Laundry is always done.
We've been together 6 years in April. Been married almost two.

I am confused you said you work and pay majority of bills. Yet he is the one who's been paying for your school. Do you both work? Who does what around the house?

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Since last year I currently work two part time jobs and I am working on my masters. I pay the small bills because I only work part time. He pays the house payment and my tuition because he makes a lot more money. Starting this January my family has paid my tuition because he refused and I wasn't quitting the masters program 4 months prior to finishing.
In the beginning I would ask him to help fold laundry and help clean the house. Help clean house meant picking up part of the bedroom and putting his things away. He has a habit of throwing things right on the bedroom floor and leaving them there for a week until I picked them up. He would do it but I could tell it wasn't something he wanted to do. We would share the cooking. This was all in the five years. Yard work he would cut the grass and I would trim the bushes.
We have three dogs. I would always feed the dogs and pick up their bowls and take them for walks.
Then the first week of February. He came home and told me I had to leave. I did. Thinking it would be for a couple of days. Well it was a month.
He never told me why he was so angry with me. In March is when he told me that when we got married he wasnt supposed to be doing anything that I was supposed to do the "WIFE DUTIES" because he made more money he isnt supposed to do anything.
There were times he came home and I didnt have dinner made. I would ask if he wanted to go out and eat. Or maybe he wanted to cook.In March he then said I made him feel worthless because I didn't cook seven days a week, and all I wanted to spend money we didn't have (I don't spend any of his money except for on tuition) I have never wrote a check or do I have an ATM card.

"WIFE DUTIES" have changed over time. Gender roles have changed over time. He's living in the past. If that's where he wants to be then, maybe, you should churn the butter, can the preserves, make all the clothes, sew quilts for the beds and raise your own chickens. That would also mean that he should be out with a rifle, hunting all his own meat. And he should be cutting wood for the fire and hand making furniture for the house. Alternatively, he can come into the 21rst century and you both can do what makes sense in the era in which you are living.

Even if just from watching TV a few hours a week, he knows that what is normal today is that, when both husband and wife are busy outside the home, they share duties in the home. He didn't just sail into port from some backward part of the world where they really are living in the stone age. That's why I don't buy that he seriously had all these ridiculous expectations.

I think he had a great sense of satisfaction in getting that house . . . and in getting you to go along with the nutty terms of signing away your rights to equity in that house (which may, or may not have all that much legal standing, if you were to ask a lawyer about it.) But now the novelty of having the house is wearing off . . . so he needs a new project. His new project has been seeing how big of a fool he can make of you.

If he's a natural born slob - and that's what a person who just drops things on the floor sounds like - then that may be a hard-wired component to his personality that is not going to change anytime soon. But you needn't cater to it. Have a small basket that you toss his clean socks into when they come out of the drier. Then put that basket in the bedroom for him to do whatever he likes with. He can match up the socks and put them away, or he can fish around for two-of-a-kind whenever he is getting dressed.

If he's this way when there are just the two of you, what will he be willing to do, if ever there are children in the house? It doesn't sound like you are seriously thinking about leaving this guy, so be careful about the precedents you set. You will be living with them for a long time.

I think when you got married you had to discuss who does what. I think you two are extremely confused on what you need to be doing. Even the Basic who pays for what. You first said he only pays mortgage and you pay the rest groceries and utilities etc that's a lot, now turns out you don't? He pays for everything? When you quit your job did you discuss it with him? Do you two even know who does what? You two seem to not know each other do not know what the other person wants or even what you two yourself want. Sound like two of you are no where near ready to be married.

You knew each other for 6 years yet you didn't know he is a slob or wants you to do everything around the house. You two are like in a daze!


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I couldn't help but laugh at your response. This has to be the greatest response ever. You are so right about living in the past.
I have dried the clothes and asked him to match socks. He refused because it was a wife's job. When I would go to the grocery store I would ask for him to go with me. He said he doesn't like to go for me just to go. Later he said its a women's job. I have seen a variety of men in the grocery store along with women. I have been asking questions because the answers he is giving me didn't make sense. I wanted to see if there could be something wrong with him mentally. Then I thought maybe its me. I have problems and didn't know the wife was to work, go to school, and do all the house chores. So I panicked a bit. After reading all the responses and especially yours. Its not me.
I haven't decided yet to leave. Because he has a hard time with his job (family owned) I'm giving it a chance. Plus, I have six weeks to finish school. I have asked for him to match socks, Well that wasn't good. How can I dare ask that. If he was like this before I would have never married him.
I honestly think he hates his job so bad that the little things I didn't do is where all the blame is going to.
P.S. I don't have time for TV and cant tell you the last time I sat and watched it. There is not enough time during the day.
He walks in with his gym bag and dumps it when you first walk into the bedroom. By the end of the week if I dont pick the clothes up there are five piles of clothes. There laundry basket is maybe 20 feet. Keep walking and dump it.
This is what he is pouting for and this is how I ruined this marriage.

No. I quit one job and picked up another, already working one which meant I worked two part time jobs. We discussed that I would pay the small bills and groceries. He pays the mortgage and tuition (which is a lot more than I pay). I'm not making the money he makes because Im still in school. Once I finish then I will bring in a lot more money.
He wasn't a slob. He was messy and would help me pick up but didnt like it. Once we got married we decided to pay the bills they way we discussed it.
Once we married things stayed the same. In February when I left the house, He said to me that once we got married I should of know that I was supposed to do the wife duties. That's what this problem is all about. He said I ruined the marriage because I DID NOT DO THE WIFE DUTIES!! He said he gave me hints and I didn't get it!!!! SO I RUINED IT!!
HE never communicated anything to me so how was I suppose to know he wanted me to do 100% of everything!!
Yes, this sounds ridiculous to me to. COMMUNICATION!! Not throw me out of the house and not speak for two weeks.

When you go grocery shopping alone, make it a point to not buy a lot of the stuff that he particularly likes. There must be some things that he craves that are not your favorites. If the cabinets lack his special treats long enough, he will start going to the store. (I did this with my sig. other, and it worked.)

So he's having a hard time with his job . . . hmm. I'll bet he's no more conscientious about his work, than he is about picking his clothes up off the floor. I'll bet that, if it wasn't a family owned business, he wouldn't even have that job. Maybe his family spoils him and lets him get paid for showing up. Even if their expectations of him are not very high, which I'll bet they aren't, he probably is having trouble meeting even the expectations that do exist . . . like him getting along with the other workers.

Because he's family, he probably thinks he can crap on the non-family workers that are there. That's probably leading to problems. Just like he's testing you, he's testing his dad, or whoever has the business, to see how far he can go with being a pain in the arse. And, now, he's gotten to the point that people at the job, including his family, are getting sick of it. So he's not being totally tolerated. So his nose is out of joint.

Maybe his family are so indulgent of him that they will keep paying him no matter how little he contributes to the success of the family business. But that won't satisfy him. He'll want the non-family members to bow to him, or he'll want them fired. Someone in that family must be serious about making that business work, so there is a limit to how much stuff they can put up with from him. But he is all about testing limits, so that's what he's doing on the job.

Encourage him to talk about all the things that bother him at work, and I'll bet you'll learn a lot of what I say is true. Act real sympathetic, so he'll trust telling you just how much of a tool he is on the job toward other people there. Say things like, "Gee, Honey, are you getting taken advantage of at work? Are you having to do more than your fair share?" I'll bet his answer is, "Yes!" Just listen acceptingly, and you'll hear a flood of talk about what a victim he is . . . and how his pay isn't even fair for all he does. He's all about being a victim, so that will hold true for the job situation, just like for the home situation. Who he is doesn't change when he leaves the house.

Maybe he wants to pack that job in, once you get out of your graduate program and can get a high paying job. Don't be surprised, if you end up supporting this guy. Then he'll be willing to do the cooking and act like that's what justifies him not going to a job. He may have more of a long term plan than you even realize, even if it's subconscious, and he doesn't quite realize it, himself, yet.

My guess is that he's trying to make you feel guilty for not living up to your wifely duties because, at some level, he anticipates not living up to his husbandly duties. He sounds plain lazy to me. I seriously doubt he's a ball of fire when he gets to work.

Just get him talking about that family business, even more than he already has. There is an ocean of resentment in him about his role there. Of course, it's all due to other people not being fair to him, poor fellow.

He has told me about his job. He told me a couple weeks ago that one of the bosses told him to get himself together because no one likes working with him. Then another time he said the secretary keeps tabs on him for walking in just minutes after he should be there. The main production guy doesn't like to deal with him because they bump heads. He seems to get verbally abused a lot. they make him do all the dirty work because someone there seems to slack at their job. Its the step dads business and he has never liked him (so he says). Worse now because he sees him everyday. Yes, I was thinking he is the common denominator of the circle. Why make yourself look like a victim?
But why tell people its the hot meals? I would much rather say the job and not dinner. Thats embarrassing. So you think hes testing me? For what? To mold me into doing the wife duties?

I don't believe it is wife duties that is the problem. I think it is an excuse to end the marriage and be free. He hopes you leave. I am pretty sure.

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I actually don't think he wants a divorce because you are doing almost all the work already. Why would he want you to leave if you pick up after all his messes?

It sounds like he's very unsatisfied with the way his life is going right now. You might be right that it could have something to do with his work. But the way he's coping is by putting you down and complaining about not having dinner made so that he can have a free pass to not contribute anything else to the effort that is required in a marriage...or in life for that matter. He's avoiding anything that is considered "work". Sounds like he is tired of trying. All he wants is to be pampered.

So why are you continuing to ask if he wants a divorce? He's NEVER going to say yes. Unless...you stop cooking meals altogether...

Do you see where I am going with this?

If he's unhappy with work, there are many more healthy options to choose from to improve the quality of his life..rather than dragging you down with him. He really does need therapy. Badly.

Gee, however did I guess all that. Do you think I'm clairvoyant? Of course not . . . I've just learned to connect some of the dots and that gives you a picture that you can recognize.

So his step-dad puts up with him for the sake of his mother. Otherwise, he probably would have been kicked out of that job. He knows that, himself. So, basically, your husband is kind of a loser - to put it plainly. And he hates going to that job. And one of these days he's going to decide to not go in. Things are going to come to a head and he's going to lose that job. That's something that he's afraid of himself.

He knows he's not much of an employee, which is why he doesn't just go get a job somewhere else. Only a family will put up with him. And that may wear out. Deep down inside he sees failure in his future.

Meanwhile, you're keeping a couple of jobs going and nearing completion of a very demanding program, as all graduate programs are. You are a burgeoning success story. So he has to cut you down to his level.

When you met him, he had no job. You let him move in and you supported him for some months. You'll be doing that again, at some point down the road. He's not looking to get rid of you. He wants to hold on to you for dear life, as his security. He can't make it on his own. You can. He resents that.

That job is the biggest source of his being all ticked off. He won't admit that because there's probably nothing wrong with the job. There is something wrong with him. No wonder he feels worthless. He can't fool people at work, like he can with you. They are telling him what they think of him. So he comes home and gets mad at you. It's the old story of the man who gets yelled at by the boss and, then, comes home to kick the dog. Only, you are the dog.

This husband of yours has an awful lot of problems that probably aren't going to get better with time. He's going to be complaining and whining about one thing or another for the rest of your lives together. You are actually the one who has the more power in the relationship.

If this house is big enough, then you might want to transform one of the rooms into your own private space. You're going to need it. Put in a small bed, an easy chair, a desk and a TV. Tell him it's your "office." When he gets too ridiculous, just go in there and relax. Take one of the dogs in with you. It might be worth it to you to stay in this marriage just to have another warm body in the house. But my suspicion is that you are going to need a break from this guy from time to time.

It sounds like he wants to be the "big guy" and he is "not" the big guy. I got a house, "its gonna be mine", I got a boat, "its gonna be mine". AND, he tricked you into signing off on any ownership of that house too. And when he is not the big guy, "it's your fault".

He even threw you out and did not "care" where you were sleeping either. Wow, I would not want to build a life with someone like that, and definitely not have children with someone like that either.

Ok, so now it is your turn dear, live there off of him while you can, play along, finish your masters and make a plan to get out on "your own terms". You say you "love him"?
Well, have you ever heard the saying, "Love is Blind"?

We have five large bedrooms. Each bedroom has a bed. I do need to add a desk. That's a great idea to make one my office. Usually, I do everything on my laptop and carry it around with me. I also have my little lap dog that goes everywhere go. He to was homeless for a month.
So I get kicked out because everyone hates him at work. I get told that I ruined the marriage because I didn't cook seven days a week. The emotional roller coaster he put me through is ridiculous. He is the money maker and I should of known to read his mind.
In the mean time, I was couch hopping with my lap dog for a month, I have maintained by sanity, my classes are still maintaining straight A's, and Ive been at both jobs everyday, I have received no money from him at all, In the two months I received a promotion, and I ruined the marriage??

Thats why I have enjoyed reading the feed backs. Outsiders can see things that we cant. Its to bad that he is SO stubborn to see he is in the wrong. To be controlling is beyond me. To put this blame on me and for me to believe it. I'm pissed off and will not go out of my way to do anything. Less than 6 weeks to go and I will graduate with straight A's.

Im sorry. I used my phone to respond. Dont look like the response came out correctly. I posted below.

I think you are very naive and so am I at times so I can relate. But I wish you woke up

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