Non Speaking Husband

If you are age 24 and married for 6 years, then you were living on your own at age 18. That's very young to have had your own apartment. Was it a very lonely experience for you?

They only married two years ago but have been together for 6. She previously said before they were married they lived together in her apartment.

I am unsure how on your own you were right after high school full time in college? And it was not for long as he moved in with you



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My daughter rented on her own while in college, never lived in dorms
but she rented with roommates or rented a room in somebody's house. After she graduated college she got her own place. My nephew rented his own place in last two years of college. I am not sure who can afford their own place at 18 while full time in school?

Did somebody else pay for the apartment?



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No. Not at all lonely. I was in college, worked, and played a sport so I was very busy. Like I am now.

You know I thought about that. Both of us would work out about 5 days a week. Now I get in about three days a week. When I left the house he was working out in the early mornings. When I came home a month later. He was working out in the morning for two hours, after work for two to three hours, then after the work workout he would go to another gym and take a weight lifting class. When I met him he was already buff. He's 6'4"about 265 most muscle with a six pack.
After being home a few days he stopped the second evening gym workout and will not workout on Mondays. Now he works out about four good days a week. Yes, while I was gone for the month he did bulk up more, zero fat, and makes sure he wont get fat.

Yes, my parents paid rent.

Wow that is a lot of work out. Two hours in the morning and two to three after work. Sure there are times when I work out two hours a day but that's when I am off work. 4-5 hours a day. Wow. Hmmm almost obsessive?

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Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Many parents help kids through college, but technically it is not being "on your own". It is being dependent first on your parents then on your husband (again perfectly fine as you are young, just not the same as being on your own)

I think when Rose said "you never had experiences running your own show", perhaps it included being fully independent.


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I only work out for a max of two hours a day. Two to three hours after work then take a weight lifting class at a totally different gym. That is way to much.

I misunderstood. No, other than an apartment when I was in college. I never lived on my own.

I'm reading about the Narcissist. Wow, sounds like someone I know.
From the link that I was given, it has a lot more info on the Narcissist. I think you ladies are right on. Its a sad situation that a behavior from ones childhood (abandonment) can bring so much hatred.

Don't waste your time diagnosing people. What people do and say and how they treat others is important, diagnosis not so much. You aren't a doctor

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He doesn't like HIMSELF and takes it out on you....In a nutshell. One person can't save a marriage. He needs to get help by himself.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is an excellent resource,also.

We all need boundaries...emotional and physical. HE is causing all of the confusion and chaos in your marriage. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in life.

All of our behavior is a CHOICE. He is choosing that behavior because he gets something out of it....trying to control, blame and shame you.

Yup and you have a choice too: what you are willing to accept. I understand staying in marriage and trying to work on it but they aren't working on nothing, he is being a jerk and wife is ok with it. That's not working on marriage. That's being abused. Life is too short. It doesn't matter what diagnosis you assign to him, jerk is a jerk.

No pastors or in laws or our advice is going to fix what he isn't willing to change. None of us can make him into a good husband.

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In looking at the initial post, I'm seeing things in a different light. Seems we've overlooked something important. So, initially, it was not your husband who "put you out." You came up with that bright idea. You figured that it was "his house." Neither one of you seems to have much idea what marriage is.

If he wanted to leave for awhile, you should have just let that happen and see what would come of it. (or tried to encourage him to stay and talk.) Did you leave because you were afraid of feeling stuck with the mortgage payment?

You relate that he said you "could stay in the house." It does sound like you think of him as a father. But it was you who provided him with a place to live prior to the wedding. Or, rather, your parents did. Not many parents would fork out for an apartment for their daughter attending college who had a man living with her in the apartment. Your parents did you no favor. You and your husband got to play house for a few years, while someone else picked up the tab. Neither one of you had to have real responsibility for that apartment, so neither one of you matured.

Now, when your husband declines to pay for your graduate courses, your folks automatically pay the bill. That also is not normal parent behavior.

The two of you have only had real adult responsibility for the past two years. Neither of you were ready for it. So, before the second year of marriage is out, the relationship falls apart. Now I kind of see why. He was easy to get along with, as long as he had a free roof over his head. At the time you let him move in, he was unemployed. You took him in kind of like how a girl would take in a stray puppy. That's not how you shop for a husband. You two are with each other for the wrong reasons.

Rather than a divorce, I might suggest an annulment. This has never been a true marriage.

In the beginning she did have an option of staying and him leaving but then when a week later she came back he said he isn't ready for her to be back and she must leave. That's when she was on different couches in other peoples houses for a month

I do agree that this isn't and never was real marriage. Plus both parties are wAy too reliant on their parents financially and emotionally. Not ready for marriage


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So the two of you didn't have to buy anything on credit? Where did you get your furniture? (Not that it's any of my business . . . but you see what I'm getting at.) This has been a pressure free existence for the both of you, with no bills until you got married, or got into this house. And, for awhile, you two were in honeymoon mode, but now that's over.

No wonder his father was nice to you for a few years. He had this unemployed son, and you took him in.

So, yeah, your husband is mad over paying bills. He's not used to doing that. Neither are you.

At least, you seem to be functioning alright in school and on jobs. He hates having to go to work. Did he manage to get through college?

The both of you are devoted to physical fitness . . . beyond the norm. (I think you said you spend two hours a day on it. He's obsessed.) What is that all about?

This is a bizarre relationship. He can't socialize normally, but you can. I would say you are reasonably sane, while he is a very disturbed young man. Initially, I don't know what this guy had to offer, other than looking good, physically . . . buff, as you say. That goes a long way with an 18 yr old girl. That's a bit young to choose a life partner. You made a big mistake.

I work out two hours a day when I am off work.

I have very difficult time imagining anyone who works and goes to school and commutes working out as much as you two, she works out two hours a day! , and he up to 4 to 5 hours a day. How is it possible.

And when do you two spend time together? If he is gone every weekend and you two work out like this daily how much time do you spend together? If any? Could be that you don't even know each other? Unless you work out together?

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I work out about two hours a day maybe three days a week. That is t every week because I don't have the time. He works out Tues-Fri 5-7 am except Mon- Fri 4-6, for the month I was gone he took an additional class for 1.5. For two days a week he was working out for 6 hours. That's just crazy. The last two weekends we have been together.
I did notice that he became angry about the house payment. He said I didn't know how it was to have a stressful job and pay bills. I do not pay the house payment but I do pay the bills. I not greedy and a marriage should not be that way. All he worries out is is much money he has saved.
Before February we spent every weekend together and were never apart.

So these past two weekends what did two of you do together? Did you spend time discussing your marriage? Did you do things? Talk? Did you have fun? Just trying to understand dynamics

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I'm not diagnosing him. Someone sent me a link to read. It's an interesting topic. Like you said I'm not a doctor.

I agree with everything you said. He has caused a lot of confusion and at times he says something different.

Yes your right Rose. I told him I would leave thinking it would be for a couple of days to cool off. At that time I didnt know that the house was just in his name. Either way he would of paid the mortgage. I left on a Monday then on Wednesday I was on my way home and he said I couldnt come home. Then the rest went from there. I did encourage him that we both stay. At that time all I could get out of him was "I'm having a lot of metal problems" He also said he didnt want me to see him this way. The following week I went home. He told me to leave that he wasn't ready for me to come home yet. That's when he started to cry and hold himself in a fetal position. That's when the blame started. When he moved in I had about 5 months left on the lease. We then got our own place, a one bedroom apartment. We then rented a house, then got married. He bought the home and moved in three months after we married.
Because he paid for my tuition he said I acted like he was an ATM. I didn't cook so why should he continue to pay. He works at a stressful job and he claims "I" have no idea how it works. I mentioned the payment to my parents and they paid for it. This month when it was due he payed for it. He said it wasn't about the money its because I didn't appreciate him paying it.
Yes, I think back and wonder if it would of been different if he left. I cant change it now. Your right again Rose. He does not like to pay for anything. Yet, he has a nice bank account but acts like he is penniless.

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I only work out for a max of two hours a day. Two to three days a week. His workout is everyday morning and evening minus the weekends. Two to three hours before/after work then take a weight lifting class at a totally different gym. That is way to much.

I had my bedroom set, dinning room set, couches, and a TV from when I had my own place. Andy you are right Rose. Again. We have not bought anything on credit. His mom gave us her bedroom set, living room set, and another bedroom set. We got a lot of weddings gifts that we are now using. Rose. We haven't had to buy anything at all. We did buy two large TVs. Other than that. Nothing. Yes my husband is mad that he has to pay the house payment. I'm not mad that I pay the small bills.
Once he changed jobs and started paying the mortgage he said it was my fault that he bought this house for me. That we could be in a smaller house but I had to have a big house. Yes our house is big but I didn't go see it. He seen it and purchased it. Yes it has been a hassle free few years and now I think he hates it, and me. No one can go through life living for free. We're to old for that. He tries to say every penny he makes and has done an excellent job at it.

Yes Rose76 I know exactly where this is going.
He's shy about 6 units from an AA but didn't go further because he doesn't like school. I'm good and I get along with mostly everyone. He can go back to school if he wants to.
I go to the gym 2-3 times a week for approximately 2 hours. I wouldn't say that obsessed. I don't have anymore time. He's obsessed.
He also mentioned that he was extremely mad at me. I took a friend to the beach when she flew out from Virginia. We were there for about two hours. This is another reason why he said I don't know how it is to work at a stressful job and pay bills. She asked when she flew out if I would take her. I didn't take the day off. I was already off that day with one job.