Non Speaking Husband

He will never, ever, ever, ever feel differently about money. By age 28, a person's attitudes about money and paying for stuff are hard-wired. An army of therapists will not change this mindset.

That's why I don't favor trying to diagnose your husband, which I understand you are not trying to do. What's important is the behavior and whether this is behavior that you want to live with. You have not put any financial strain on him that is beyond what husband's typically do for wives.

You don't leave the house to give your husband a break from the marriage. Marriage doesn't get turned on and off. When a married couple are real irritated with each other, which is totally normal, one sleeps on the couch, or in one of the spare bedrooms.

Regardless of what you did, or who left, you would have come to this point anyway. He is a miserably unhappy man. It's not due to his job or his wife. He's just miserable. I don't consider this a medical problem, though psychiatry and therapy might be of some small assistance to him. He is who he is.

So he doesn't like school. Of course he wouldn't. He'ld have to complete assignments required by his teachers. Same attitude he has toward work. No one is supposed to ever require anything of him.

Well, the two of you are blessed not to have children. They require a lot. He will be an absolutely dreadful father. Not a man I would have a child with.

Finish school and then see what you want to do. I'm sorry to say this, but you married a guy who is a complete loser. Understand that you owe this guy nothing.

Funny he said he bought a house for you. Lol sorry but he is nuts. Your name is not even on it! He is upset he is paying mortgage? Ha. Why did he buy a house for himself then? He is an idiot

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Typically, the more "control" a person demands, the more out of control the person is inside and often that is based on a "deep fear" too. It is not unusual for an individual to not truely be in touch with that deep fear either. A person that is challenged like this can actually have cycles where they are doing things to give them a sense of control, then they struggle and retreat into themselves. Often they struggle when it comes to actually working and maintaining. This person can feel "threatened" if they are in a job where "others" are in contol, they can get so they loath their place of employment, after all if they can't have their sense of control, they struggle too much internally.

With your husband, it seems like this is a pattern that is challenging him with you, his friends, and his job. My husband ran to alcohol and so did his friends and he did "blame me" when I interfered with "when he needed to do just that" too.

Even the most educated and intelligent people do this. They too "don't talk" in their own ways and they simply don't know "how" to function without having their sense of "control" in place. They tend to continuously draw lines (some kind of boundary), but they don't know how to really interact in a "healthy" way and they tend to often look at everyone as a threat somehow. This isn't the kind of person to build a life with and expect a healthy relationship. You will only end up being a codependent. That is what you chose to do when you allowed "him" to stay in the house while you went couch hopping. You gave him permission to treat "you" badly. Oh, and it's "your fault" too right?

His crying and curling up in a ball, that's not good. I am wondering if he is on steroids.
He really needs professional help. Make sure when you "do" see a therapist you include this as well.

You never answered about whether either or both of you are of a different culture even though you live in California...All that that just means that you don't live in a different country. His values & your reactions both come across as coming from a different cultural background. Also, the tenses that you use in writing here comes across as someone who's native language isn't english. Also, different cultures, the man feels like it is his responsibility to provide the house.....we don't know what you might have told him in the past about the kind of house you want to live in or what kind of house you don't want to live in. It's obvious that your parents have money or they couldn't pay for all your schooling & your apartment through your masters. It could be that he felt the requirement to provide you a home that you were used to living in with your family (before the apartment)....could be that somewhere along the line he heard you possibly say...I wouldn't want to live in a house like that.....so this is what he felt pressured to pick out for you....also just curious....how naive you could be to think that he bought the house & you were living in it & you never signed anything for the loan.....how could you think that you were on the house when you never even signed anything for it.....I read everything that is put in front of me & I know what every piece of paper I sign is for.... It's like you are so used to people taking care of you that you have NO IDEA what the real world is like. There may be some validity in the things that your H does have to say.....but neither of you are approaching your marriage in a mature way.

So he was getting a free place to stay in your apartment while your parents paid for it for 4 years until you got married?

It's more than just not cooking every day......all this started AFTER you got married...not just a few months ago.....also seems that he has different expectations from a wife than of a live in GF?.

I also asked if they are from a different culture as not only their values and life style ( both extreme reliant on their parents and spending unusual amount of time with parents, parents interfere a lot, pastor calling parents etc ) and marriage expectations ( women are supported by parents and husbands and are submissive) do not seem to be typical for the U.S. Also Seeya doesn't write as a native speaker at all. I myself am not a native speaker so I recognize it in writing. Seeya responded "we are Americans "

Well I am American too but was not born here and am naturalized. So I am not convinced they are mainstream Americans, just not convinced. If they are then they are really a unique couple

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My grandmother once told me, as she did it herself, make sure that you live on your own, before settling down, and....don't live with your inlaws.

She has a point. A valid point. Which is something that stood out in radio celebrity news, with a lady telling graduates to be independent women, don't depend on a man to take care of you. And when she asked if they got that, she said, no, i don't really think that you do...

My mom didn't until widowed, but alas....she still up and married....

No. We are both born and raised in California. No other culture. I didn't ask for the house I'm in. He went to look at the house and purchases it. I went in to sign to add my name on the deed. So I thought. I trusted my husband and take full responsibility for not reading the paperwork. I'm not denying that at all.
I would of never of thought that he would of done something like this but he did.

My parents haven't interferred with the marriage nor has his mother ( which is remarried). The will help when they can and have how's me when I need it the last couple of months. I don't know for sure if his father has or what his father has said. It seems like he is ways with im.

I was born & raised in California & I know lots of people who's parents weren't & the parents foreign language & also their culture were the way the family was raised whether then were born & raised in California or not....so being born & raised in California doesn't really mean that you weren't raised by a different culture & even language within your family.

Yup

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No. No other culture. Our parents are not from any other foreign country. Both raised very American. I do see how some of you think we can be.
My parents dont have a house as big as ours. So that wasnt something that he thought he had to do. I do work and I pay the small bills. I do contribute to the household and I dont live for free, nor do I take advantage of him financially.

My parents live 3.5 hours away. I dont drive up there to see them. I do speak to my mother a lot but I dont see them. He happens to be driving from work and stops to see his dad.

No. My parents paid for my apartment when I first started out in college. he moved in for about 6 months, once the lease was up. We moved and got out own place. We split the rent. Once I moved in with him my parents didnt pay for anything.
I never told him to buy a house larger than my parents. He was looking for homes while I was traveling. HE found the one were in now and bought it. HE bought it with his credit and was going to add my name to the deed. When we went in to have my name added on, it wasnt added to the deed. It was removed from me having any rights to the home. Yes. It is my fault for not asking. I take responsibilty fot that.
You can purchase a home for the loan by yourself, then add the spouses name on it.
I am relating what he said to me about the cooking, matching socks, and cleaning up after him. He never complained in the past about nothing!! Yes it probably did start happening shortly after the wedding. He didnt say anything until February of this year. Thinking back to after the wedding. He didnt change, he was the same person. In February he changed and was not the man I married.
We discussed with eachother about me going on to get my masters. He said he would work full time and pay for it. I contribute to the bills and other things as needed. By him paying the mortgage and tuition isnt relying on him. If he decided not to want to pay it then all he had to do was tell me. I would of taken out a loan. Initially, we didnt want to have a lingering bill. Not have me leave for a month and not being able to come home. Yes, I know I left assuming it would of been for a couple days of cooling off. It didnt happen that way. I know what the real word is like. I handle a lot myself and handle it well.
I got my own jobs. Interviewed and negotiated pay. HE works for his step dads family business. Now, who relies on whom?
Again, communicating is something that needs to be done in a relationship. If he wanted something to change then speak up. Different exepections. One dont know until you speak.

Your right Rose76. I should of slept in another room. Again, thinking a couple of days later he would be fine. Unfortuneatly, it didnt work out this way and that is why I am in this situation now. Next week Im done with school. Already spoke to the administrator and hopefully I will have a full time carreer there.
He has been a lot better lately, no not perfect or great. In the begginning he was nutts. Some of the things he did, took a picture and sent me. He acted like he was 15 again. Thats not something the person I know would of done.

Im not one to spend a ton of money. Im a very laided back type of person. If anyone spends it can be him. The boat, he repainted it, 60 gallon fish tank, and the fishing equipement. Since January I have not spent any money near what he just spent on the fish tank alone. Not to include all the fish.

You are seeking, which is a great start. I hear that telling our own story in response to yours is not the most effective way of helping, but maybe this will be useful. I have had a husband who many times gave me the silent treatment and then came back and wanted things to go back to how they were. After 9 years of marriage, I could see he needed help but wouldn't get it. My now ex-husband seems to struggle with bi-polar (it is in the family) but will not admit it. It is sad. He has a great personality and can be kind, but when his mood swings hit he is very hurtful with his words and deeds. I wanted to stay but couldn't since he wasn't open to addressing the problem. I left to take better care of myself and my son. I must still interact with him since we have a child but have learned not to take any of his more hurtful behavior personally, although it is hard because he rarely apologizes or acknowledges his behavior when he is "off". Hope that helps.

Oh, and money was one of his trigger issues.

It is possible for a married lady to not know her husband, even after years of being together. There are men who have murdered their wives for insurance money, and the wives never knew anything was this drastically wrong.

You'll soon finish school. Then you'll see what you want to do. Consider that, if you leave this marriage, you might prefer a job closer to where your parents live. In other words, don't take a job based on the idea that the marriage will go on. Don't let yourself be trapped in any way.

It does sound like you can be financially independent. You haven't exploited your husband. I see a huge potential for him eventually exploiting you.

You are so young and have accomplished so much. It can be the foundation for a full and satisfying life. Keep your options open. If you see yourself eventually wanting children, then you want a partner you can trust and work with. At age 28, your husband is who he is going to be. This man is going to have serious problems for the rest of his life. He has a bad attitude toward a lot of things. "Therapy" isn't going to reconstitute his character. Keeping marriage vows is all well and good, but you don't owe it to him to have your life ruined.

If you decide to separate from him, my guess is that he will appeal to your soft side saying that he needs you to save him. Don't be emotionally blackmailed. A guy like him is going to paint you as being in the wrong no matter what you do. He is headed for more failure, specifically at his job. He will need someone to blame, and it will be everyone around him, including you. You do not have to accept living that way.

Your (as the whole family and even pastor) life style seems to not be main steam, also the way you speak (write).

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Yes. He said all I did was spend his money. I never spent any of our money unless you count the mortgage. Thats a necessity.
I have no large items that I've purchased without him knowing nor would I. Other than school. That's it.

Thank you for telling your story. Its really sad to hear that people have problems but just refuse to get help. Just a little bit of help can point someone in the right direction. In my case it's not going to happen. I have asked a few times and his comment is "It's for the weak". There must be a lot of "weak" people out there. Therapy only makes for a better person. We have no children and no plans for me to have any soon.
Thanks again. I appreciate your comment.

Rose76- I should have your private email. So you can give me one on one advice. I was thinking back today to see where I went wrong in remembering when he started getting angry. He started a couple of months after we got married. First off, he started complaining about the job. Because he has complained about the last couple of jobs I didn't red flag it. He complained because we couldn't find a house. We found a nice town house which would of been great but he wanted a house. He constantly complained about the house we have now. He said we should of got a house with a lot of property. We can't afford that but that's what he wants. Maybe in time but when people start out no one has all that. He now complains about the few good friends he had. He said to me that they don't speak. He sees one friend that he works out with everyday and that is it. Oh and did I mention he has another friend that just turned 21. He met this guy about a year ago. We seen him maybe 3 times in the last year but we see him all the time in the last couple of months. Sitting and thinking what has he been ok with or has liked and lately it isn't anything. He doesn't like anyone that was near him. He isnt happy about anything at all! He has so much and just isnt happy. He has no idea how it is to work hard and not get the best paycheck. His job is not stressful. He works from 8-4 if he's on time with a 1.5 paid lunch to a nice restaurant. Everyday. No one buys my lunch at nice restaurants everyday and I'm not a bit mad.
Once he got the job and house is when all the hatefulness started. His happy days are when he didn't work. That's it.
My dad said the same thing about insurance. He wanted me out of the house asap from day one. He thinks my H is crazy!!
After I finish school I already have a job in line. A very well paying job plus I will continue to be a coach during season. Ill be in a great area but no where near my parents. That's ok.
I have tried to get him to go to therapy. He declines. There is nothing I can do to help him. He has been good but will throw a dagger at me here and there. I had a blanket out the other day, he said where did we get that? I said your grandma gave it to me. He said oh that must have been when you were homeless. I said yes, it was when I was homeless. You are correct. He apologized a couple of times but I ignored him.
I don't plan on allowing him to ruin more of my life than he already has. I know that I cant change him. He told me again that I caused all this because I was a crappy wife. In his mind I was the crappiest wife to him. So he can go find someone else to cook his meals, serve him, fold his socks, push the drawers in, and hopefully she will spend his money. Better keep the house clean and empty his gym bag. Maybe she will do better than what I did.
Yes, he blames everyone for everything. He cant say he was wrong about anything.
What can a 28 year old be so angry and hateful about? Life has just started.
Keep all your money saved in case of an emergency. I agree with saving but to the point of being so greedy and not let your wife have money to put gas or use for household items.

I don't know what your husband is angry about, and you may never know what drives his mindset. A psychoanalyst could spend years talking with him and possibly never get to the bottom of it. But he is very disturbed.

Trying to analyze him is not what is most important. Your responsibility is to figure out what you need to do to build a good life. If he is being hugely unfair to you, then you have a right to get out of this marriage, if you want to.

It sounds like your parents are decent people who love you and want you in good circumstances. They are probably the best advisors you could turn to. Your father's way of thinking sounds a lot like mine. Though your husband doesn't sound violent and threatening, there's no telling what someone who is disturbed and angry and demonstrating some real bad attitudes might do. Priority #1 is your safety. You might want to seriously consider getting out of that house.

Your husband is still telling you that you are a bad wife. I'ld have a hard time staying with a man who thought so little of me. But what I might do is beside the point. This is your call. No one can make it for you. Not me and not your parents. If, after more thought, you decide you want a divorce, tell that to your parents. Get some books on the subject. Find out what steps you need to take to protect your interests. Get legal advice.

Be careful about making any divorce announcement to your husband and staying in that house. He might get very upset, depressed and even suicidal. If he got to not valuing his own life, he might not value yours either. Retain a lawyer and be very open about your problems. It might be wise to pursue a legal separation as a preliminary step. That leaves all your options ooen, even returning to the marriage.

Just trying to sort through & get the facts.....not really trying to pry.....but I'm curious.....have you actually read the papers you signed or are you just taking your H's word for telling you that you signed your rights away......you are still pretty trusting of what you are being told by your H. Honestly, I would demand a copy of the papers you signed so that YOU KNOW exactly what you signed & not taking your H's word for it....I honestly wouldn't trust him any more than I trusted my H

So if you signed anything, that would have been a quitclaim as Calif is a community property state. If I were you I would march back into the place that you signed the paperwork & demand a copy of what you signed & if it was a quitclaim....I would demand that you were tricked/coerced into signing it thinking that you were signing the title to the property or being added onto the loan & that you were lied to by your H about what you were signing..

Of course, if the house goes down in value & you aren't on the loan & have signed away your rights on the house then your H's the one that EATS the LOSS in the property value & in reality...he would have ended up screwing himself rather than you. I ended up signing a quitclaim for our house in Calif when he ended up getting a loan modification after I left because he quit paying property taxes, then quit paying the house payment & never talked to the lender.....found that out when they came calling me. My problem is that I signed away my rights but my name is still on the loan....lending company said that I need to fax them the divorce paperwork when I finally get it finalized...haven't had the money to do that....other more critical things required for my money.

Here in KY, my lawyer calls it a dowry state......where even though I bought my farm with my inheritance money & my H never signed the title (I payed cash for my farm)....when I set up my farm into an LLC to protect it against my H's financial irresponsibility, he actually had to sign a quitclaim on my farm because in this slightly backward state, because we were still married, because it was purchased with my inheritance, he also had a claim on it (LOL...he wouldn't have been smart enough to know that but wanted to make it LEGAL). But he knew that my farm was NOT HIS in the first place & that he was NOT WELCOME here.....so it wasn't like I tricked him into signing anything.

If you can't get the quitclaim resolved, I'm sure that a lawyer would be able to resolve the fact that your H tricked you into signing something believing it was something else you were signing.....yep, it's NEVER good to trust anyone....not even a H....you ALWAYS NEED to KNOW EVERYTHING that you do in your life & never take anyone's word for anything.