Non Speaking Husband

If you do decide on divorce, you might consider just relinquishing any claim on the equity that you might have. Figure out how much he contributed to the cost of your schooling. Subtract that from what equity you might have in that house. If the result is less han $5000, I would tell him to keep it.

The name of the game is not to extract every penny you can out of any possible divorce settlement. If you leave, the goal is to leave him with as little reason as possible to ever bother you again.

I doubt you can resolve anything with the lawyer on the basis of being coerced, you aren't a minor. By this logic anyone can claim anything they signed was coerced. Unless you are a child or incapacitated how can you prove you were coerced?

It might be the best not to have rights for the house. Don't have to worry about.

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Im not trying to analyse him. I just dont understand how anyone so young can be so angry. Well, thats why we have a variety of people in this world. Yes. I am working on me right now. I have seven days left of school. Im sure everyone know because I keep reminding everyone. Yes you do sound like one of my parents. He reminds me at least once a week that I was a horrible wife (in his eyes). I cant turn back time and I cant change his mind. I know that I am a good person and was a good wife to him. I am very busy this week and weekend with sports and school. Then I can devote time to just me. I have spoke to a lawyer and my dad told me from day one to file for separation. I didnt do it. I will look into it more next week. I do have a place lined up for me to stay if need be. I am open with my problems or how this came about. If I lie then I get lies in return. The truth is very important to me at all times in my life.

It is the young who generally are the most angry. Stop being so amazed and surprised and incredulous of his feelings. His feelings are what they are. He doesn't see life as you do, and there are reasons for that. Clearly, you don't understand this man. There's a lot you don't understand . . . about a lot. It seems like you have a cheery outlook on life and can't grasp that not everyone shares that.

As we discussed earlier in the thread, there were probably hurts that came to him in life that he did not cope well with. His parents probably did not role model healthy coping skills. Try to maintain an attitude of detached compassion. He's to be pitied, as he is floundering and it's unlikely that he will ever be a happy human being. But all of that comes from his rotten attitudes, which you can't change. He's going to work hard to make sure that anyone who shares a life with him is as miserable as he is. If that's not what you want, you have a right to leave. Fortunately, there are no children to keep you linked to this man. So you can make a clean break and get a fresh start.

At any rate - you have that option. If you don't think you have a future with your husband, you might want to consider what signals you are sending him. If you are continuing to be intimate with him because you feel awkward refusing him, the you need to get out of that house. That's why I recommend a separation . . . the sooner the better. The job . . . your career . . . the coaching . . . may all have to be put on hold. This is a crisis in your life. You need to handle this properly now. Don't underestimate how vindictive a rejected, emotionally disturbed man can be. He does not sound rational to me. Your parents live more than 3 hours away. That sounds like an excellent location for you to retreat to, while you plan what to do about this marriage. If your state allows legal separations, you should get one immediately. I would advise that, even if I thought thought this marriage was salvageable. Without children to accomodate, there's less need for court mandated terms of separation . . . but you can still separate. You two are not in the process of working anything out. You're not making any progress together. (He is drifting further into his delusions, which I think is all he is going to do.)

Don't be drawn into any arguments. This isn't about getting mad at him. For all we know, he may not be able to help how he is. But you can help how your life is and what circumstances you are willing to tolerate. He may not be capable of change. Forgive him for that, but don't be trapped in the darkness, just because he is. Save yourself.

Because you don't have abandonment issues, your parents have been "there" for you. You have been willing to sit and talk, but he pushes you away and avoids it. You are healthy in that you are willing to see a therapist, he won't do that and says it's for weak people. It isn't for "weak" people, it's for people who have challenges to get help in understanding and dealing with them.

Yes, we do have a variety of people out there in the world. You are young and come from a close and caring family so there "are" going to be individuals out there that just may take you by surprise. It's important to learn how to recognize the "red flags" people give off that mean they may have problems that are best for you to stay away from. When you met this guy you were very young and maybe he felt he had "more" control because he is older. Well, now you are in a position where you "can" be more independent, he is considering that a threat. I personally think that is stemming from his mother just up and leaving and dumping him at his father's. Children "never' really get over that and show that by their "need for control" and battling their own "inner fears". He saw his father own a home, working hard and his wife just up and leaving, so seeing something like that happen can really settle deep down and "imprint" in a child's mind that can be a little voice of believing that is what will happen to him too. Tricking you into signing your rights away from the house was him already preparing for that. He probably saw that his father had to give up things when his mother divorced him, his father probably made comments about it in front of him. And no one was there to cook and clean and fold his socks when his mother up and left either.

You could spend your entire life having to take "the blame" somehow for that deep challenge in him. Well, that is not a healthy life long relationship.

It "is" sad that this challenge is created in people, as often it lasts a lifetime.

Yes, I trusted him. The day we went so I can sign papers was the day we were going out of town so we were in a hurry. So we ran in and I signed. I already got a copy of what I signed. The title company never explained anything (im not blaming them) and I signed away. Even though he purchased the home after we got married it still becomes community property. The attorney said that I can still get 50% of any interest or anything accrued on the house after it was purchase to the time I file. When I talked to my H about it he said he was securing the money he put as a down payment. I've learned a lot and will never sign anything from here on out without reading and understanding what it is. He was so shocked that I found out.
The attorney can try to fight what my H did but it would be my word against his. Of course he wont tell the truth. Why would he?
My dad wants to get an attorney to see what he can do if anything. Why wasnt it explained prior to me signing. Just to see if there is anything that can be done. I doubt it but it doesnt hurt to ask.

I think you would be throwing good money after bad by hiring an attorney about the house. You have not been paying the mortgage, you did not put money into it either, so why even bother? I could see if you put money up for the down payment etc. but you didn't, so IMHO, just walk away.

Actually, what you need to find out is if your name is on the loan where you are held responsible if he fails to pay. Make sure you did not cosign anything, that can end up being a mess, as Eskie has explained.

To all honesty I don't think it is fair that you want to get part of the house in divorce. As much as I think your husband is a jerk I don't understand your position. You didn't pay down payment and you pay no mortgage. And you weren't married long ( not like you raised kids in that house or spent your life there) He bought it recently. Yet you want to get 50% of the house? I would walk away.

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Don't let this become a case of your dad and your husband fighting each other, with you on the sidelines. This is your marriage. If you end it, then it's your divorce. Your parents being supportive of you is one thing. That means you can stay with them, if you need to. That means you can talk with them, if you need to. But you get your own lawyer who works for you, not your father.

You were over-reliant on your husband to arrange everything for the two of you. Don't transfer that reliance to your father . . . or to us on this thread. This is for you to sort out, with appropriate legal counsel. Take charge of your situation. Don't let your father take over everything for you. You have been overly passive. Take the reins in your own hands. If you need to borrow some money from your folks, that might be understandable . . . but not at the price of them taking over your decisions. Your husband will get his own lawyer to represent his interests. Then the lawyers will deal with each other. That's what lawyers are for.

Of course you and your husband could save yourselves legal expenses by not fighting over every nickle and dime. Like others and myself have advised you above, figure out what would be fair for you to walk away from this marriage with. If your husband did put up a large down payment, maybe it would be fair to let him keep that. Consider that he contributed to the cost of your education. Sit down with a pencil and paper, and do some straightforward arithmetic. You decide what is fair. Then you tell your lawyer what your goals are. When you meet with your lawyer, your father should not be there.

Do some reading. Suze Ormand writes excellent books of advice for women about personal finance. Find out the laws of your state governing divorce. Browse the Internet. There are probably relevant presentations on Youtube by attorneys. A marriage that has only lasted a couple of years and produced no children shouldn't be very complicated to dissolve. Be grateful that there aren't the real thorny issues that others have. Don't let other people satisfy their appetite for drama through involvement in your affairs. Minimize the drama. Enough will be generated by your husband's disturbed mental state. Have some regard for maintaining your dignity and privacy. And your husband's. It's possible to leave a marriage with some measure of compassion for the person you are leaving. At the same time, if you are going to sever a bond, sever it decisively.

Also, be aware that lawyers don't make any money from people acting civilized, so they sometimes can foment more conflict than needs to happen. You need to exercise leadership. It's nice that a friend can lend you a room, if you need a place to stay. That's an option. But don't let it become a reason to have one more person overinvolved in your business.

If you leave this marriage, there is a high chance that you'll find another bad relationship to get into. That's what the statistics tell us. Let that not be your story. Keep asking yourself, "What do I need to learn from this."

Your right and I don't want the house. It wasn't mine to begin with. It was a thought my dad had. I didn't want to get the house it was just to discuss the paperwork.

Your right. It's not my house and I have no rights to it. He purchased it and he deserves to keep it. I Haven't taken anything from him let alone fight for his house. Getting an attorney was to discuss the paperwork I signed. That's it. Because I signed it I'm sure there is nothing anyone can do.

Seeyalater, after you finish school, you will have more time to figure this all out. It's important that you learn from this, learn how to stand up for yourself, learn to see where you have been passive and he took over too. Learning to do things "for yourself" is important because you will less likely attract yet another man who wants you to again be passive, these individuals get so they know what to look for.

And if you do part ways with this young man, work, have your own place, pay your own bills, learn how to be independent, know you "can". In todays world that is very important for a woman to have, it gives her confidence that she "can" fend for herself if need be. You are going to have an education, a new job too, so you can do this, and at 24, you have your whole life ahead of you. So, this relationship isn't working, there truely is more fish in that big sea out there. You are actually going to do a lot of growing the next few years too.

Your right Rose76. I hope I don't end up in another bad relationship. This one has enough for me. I've been friends with this person a long time. I would just stay temporary until I can find a place of my own. It will give me a couple of months to look at places. I don't want to just jump into one. I have no plans to run around bad mouthing him.

That is an excellent attitude to have. It reflects your good mental health. Wish him well and move on. He'll have his father to turn to; he can make the most of that support.

If you do leave that house, be careful about meeting with him alone. If he projects a lot of anger, then it would be appropriate to have a parent or a friend with you. The police are very good about being willing to stand by, if you need to return to the house to remove posessions. If he makes any unlawful threats towards you, tell your lawyer, who will probably advise you to file a police report.

It takes time to know someone. See how long it took for you to realize that your husband is seriously troubled. Of course, you're not 18 now. You'll have more discrimination in assessing people that you meet. Our legal system says people are innocent till proven guilty. When it comes to prospective boyfriends, you need the opposite mindset. Assume that anyone you meet has their share of problems that could wreck your life. It's up to them to demonstrate that they are worth getting involved with. Never give some guy a key to your apartment because you enjoyed a few pleasant nights with him. It is very lonely being in an apartment by yourself. Consider sharing a place with other singles. Staying with your friend is a good first step.

I don't think it is lonely to live in apartment by yourself at young age or any age. Young folks are not ever home anyways being out and about. My nephew is 25 and rents his own place, he does have a gf now but they don't live together and he didn't always have her. My daughter rented her own place at that age until she met her future husband. She wasn't lonely.

Staying with a friend is ok while searching for apartment. But overall I would suggest Seeya starts her own life not relying first on parents then husband and now a friend. I understand getting roommates as it helps with bills, rent could be expensive but living in friend's house will promote yet another dependence

Just my opinion

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I honestly think seeya, you need to start standing on your own two feet & learn how to be independent & to take care of yourself. You went from living with your parents to college where your parents paid for everything & then into marriage where you totally blindly trusted your H just like you were able to blindly trust your parents but a marriage ISN'T a parent child relationship...it's a total partnership & I found out the hard way that you need to be equally capable & equally knowledgeable about EVERYTHING that goes on in the marriage.....that's what being a partner is. Yes, it's being able to handle everything at times if the other partner is not able to but that needs to be a short season of life, not a permanent condition.

The only thing you seem to know right now is school, & coaching & even what you do at work, the presentation, you sounded like you were having self-confidence issues.....but you are young so it's understandable. However your self-confidence only grows when you start to take over your life & start to be in your own control of it & stop being dependent on everyone else around you.

From my years of experience, & observing, when we learn how to be independent & learn to take care of ourselves & learn to really KNOW who we are....only then are we ready to bring someone else into our lives. You learn to read people while you are learning to be independent.

Did something change from the lined up place you have to stay if you need it?......Honestly I would get out if you want out & have no intention of staying in the marriage.....I lived separated under the same roof for almost 13 years & it was the most miserable time of my life.....even a couple of months in that situation is miserable & definitely not a comfortable situation to be in.

so you KNOW what you signed.....you don't need a lawyer to tell you what it is or what it means.....The only form that waives your rights to the property is a quitclaim......if that's what your copy shows you signed than in reality, you have nothing that you need to do other than get a divorce.....or maybe you could even get an annulment since you haven't been married that long & there are really NO ASSETS involved in your marriage & NO KIDS.....that might be an option that would make the getting out of the marriage a lot easier for you.

I know that with my divorce, my lawyer wrote up that quitclaims needed to be signed....but we both already did that & the records are on file.....so if that's what you already signed......if not.....then you do need to know what paperwork you really did sign. Since you have a copy of it, you are not incapable of knowing what you really did sign NOW. You sort of missed my point that I was trying to make...you seem to still be trusting everything your H tells you....even to the fact of what you signed was something that took your rights to the house away from you....do YOU REALLY KNOW THIS FOR YOURSELF?....look at the copy & see what it is that you really did sign......YOU need to start being KNOWLEDGEABLE about YOUR life & what you do & stop being so dependent on everyone else around you to carry you along.

Honestly in this economy, you are better off NOT being on the house because values are known to go down & houses can turn upside down very quickly.....then YOU would NOT be gaining anything but end up owing on the debt in order to split up the house......you are definitely better off NOT having anything to do with it.....it was his choice to do what he did....let him deal with the consequences & probable loss the house will end up in....the quitclaim would be something needed in the divorce/annulment anyway so if that's what you already signed, that's one less thing that needs to be included in the divorce paperwork.

To annul it you have to show being married on false pretenses. You can't annul for no reason. If you were catholic maybe it's important for religious reason but I don't think you are as you have a pastor not a priest

. It should be quick divorce and no need to hire lawyers, no assets and no kids. Why bother with lawyers? If you don't understand what's in house paperwork go to your parents or any adult and they'll tell you what it says.

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Divine..you are right about it having to be a divorce because it is a valid marriage...I was wrong thinking that was an option..thank you for the correct information

I was surprised that lawers charge min $3000 10 years ago when I was trying to start filing in California. No need to waste that kind of money when there is nothing involved in your divorce. Justt have to pay the filing fee. I got my fee back as he did nothing. Refiling here as out of state divorce after basically walking away from everything for financial pritection against his irresponsible ways.

Not much in a marriage is ever one person's fault. Without talking to him it's hard to figure out entirely what the problem is but my inclination is to believe there is a lot more to this than paying bills. The more telling thing is that he feels like a "father" instead of a husband. That speaks volumes about how he feels in the relationship. what I see just from your first post is this. You mentioned you have no family, friends in the area where you two live. Why is that? This to me seems to imply that it's quite possible that you're very dependent on him and possibly to the point where he's felt he's become a father, not a husband to you. The fact that you mention that he pays for the house, so it's "his" says something to the fact that you're quite a submissive person too and kind of put yourself in a role to be a subordinate rather than wife. you seem to dethrone yourself of the equal place by his side and by your words, I think the way you see yourself in the relationship isn't that of an equal to him at all.. Granted, if he's not ever told you these things, it's not entirely your fault either. If he's let it stew to the point that he feels he needs time away from you it also says that he's been too silent about things bothering him for longer than you know, that, is his part in this. He should have communicated with you all along about everything and he hasn't.

Its wasnt just about paying the mortgage. He said I wasnt cooking dinner every night. Plus, I had him match socks a few times. He said because he makes the money that he should get a home cooked meal every night and I should never of asked him to help with the laundry. We never had a problem before. Then on top of that was paying the mortgage and my tuition. My masters program was discussed prior to me enrolling. I dont make a large earning but I do make enough to pay the small bills, groceries, and things that I need.
He would come home angry from work and demand that I have sex. by him demanding it turned me the other way. that happened for almost a week. I told him that I didnt like how he treated me but it was only my fault.
Your right. He would take care of things and I would be ok with it. We have always been fine (that I knew of). Until one day he came home and exploded telling me to leave. He said a lot of hurtful things that he now says he didnt mean. He still said them.
Honestly, we were fine. We would sit, talk, and laugh. Talk about what we wanted in the futre, what I was going to d owhen I finish school, etc... So why wouldnt he communicate to me about other things?

Yes!! I have one week to go and school is done!! Thanks to all of you for guiding me through the last few months!! I didnt think I would see this finally coming to an end (one more week)!!

He is punishing "you" for his own insecurities Seeyalater. He has "no right" to come home from work angry and demand sex from you. He "tricked" you into signing away your rights to that house, he did not like it when you found out about that either. He also wants nice things and a bank account but he doesn't like "working for these things". He doesn't really want to give "you" anything. He accuses "you" of not being satisfied with a smaller modest home, in reality it was something "he" did not want, after all he did make sure you signed off on any ownership, he prefers to be grandious.

He is ashamed of his own feelings, doesn't like you to see or hear them either. He has been told to "man up" and it could be that his father was/is narcissistic. He reacts to you with blame and anger, also reacts to others that way too. Getting help means having to share his feelings, he considers that "weak" so he refuses to see anyone. He obviously doesn't know how to deal with people, hense he is very unhappy at work too.
He works out obsessively, he needs to look in the mirror and be pleased with himself.

There are a lot of red flags that you already are finding out mean "trouble" for you. As I mentioned, after you finish school have a list to discuss the "facts" of what you are experiencing with a therapist.

You never answer the question of if he may be taking steriods either. Well, that is also very important.

OE

That helps to say all the other stuff going on but I still, based on what you've said, "it seemed fine, etc.." and how it seems sudden that he start acting this way that it leads me to believe he either hasn't been honest with you about his qualms about the relationship and it boiled over for him or something drastic has changed.

The part that kind of makes me confused is that he says he feels like he's your father but yet his behaviors and attitudes say he's the type of man that likes to dominate and be "in power" Perhaps part of that desire is that it gives him the reason to lord it over you like he does and complain that you're not like a wife but a daughter. perhaps that's just bs and he uses it to keep you down. Honestly it sounds like emotionally, this is an abusive relationship. you're dominated and controlled by him and he seems to want to set all the rules. That you should be making him dinner, shouldn't ask him to do laundry... all that is a power trip and not the makings of a good relationship at all. In an equal and fair relationship both sides do for the other, sometimes things that they don't even like to do and don't worry so much about the roles of each person.

another thing that bothers me. you said
Hopefully i misunderstood and you meant he said it was only your fault but if that is you speaking and you think that how he treated you is your fault then there is something faulty in your thinking. please let me know if I misread that.

Maybe irrelevant and again he is a jerk but why do you need to ask for help with the laundry? What's there to help with, not like you need to carry it to the river. Unless two of you decided that you both do Laundry or he is supposed to do it and he stopped doing it. Have you ever discussed who does what around the house? Labor division? Seems like you never discussed anything and just went with the flow.

He sounds crazy but usually partner who doesn't work or work little does more work around the house. You said you quit your full time job, so perhaps in his mind you would more chores? Did you two discuss it? You said he wanted you to quit job and you did so maybe he think you always do what he says?

Again total lack of communication and not even knowing what's the other person wants!

That's why some of us thought you come from a different culture as he is totally dominant and taking care of everything and you were ok with it until he snapped and it went downhill!

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No I would ask him to match sock or what I put in hangers if he was going upstairs to take them up. I have always worked. The only time I didn't work was one week while in between jobs.
Shortly after I quit I got another job with better hours.