Am I Destined to be Alone Forever?

Hi guys,

Sorry if this post is in the wrong spot, wasn't sure what to choose. Also, I must apologise for the length beforehand. I don't know how to summarise so much info, but I did try!

Just wanted some honest opinions.
I'm 37 and over the years have noticed that I may have commitment issues and aren't sure how to fix this. When I was 18 I was engaged to be married to the most perfect guy for me. Next thing I knew I found all sorts of reasons why we should break up, including falling in love with someone else. I cheated on him, broke up with him, dated the new guy, and then one day I woke up and was wondering what the hell I was doing. I didn't love the new guy at all, wasn't even attracted to him.

For years I wondered why I broke up with my fiancée and only until my late 20's did I realise that maybe I was just finding a way to run from him. I have had a long history of dating abusive men who I thought at first were great guys. I believe what I do is that I somehow look for men who I'd never marry without even realising it and sabotage the relationships with any good men I find.
My father left my family when I was 10, left us with no money and a house we couldn't afford to keep for another woman. I don't know anyone in my family or personal life that have had successful marriages. As a child and teen, whenever I thought of my future family, it was always myself and 4-6 children. Never thought of the man. So maybe this was the start of my commitment issues?

So 4 years ago I fell in love with an amazing guy. I would have married him in a heartbeat. One day he said something that hurt my feelings without realising it, and I reacted pretty badly. Found myself in tears even though I'm not the type that cries easily. Next thing I knew I was finding reasons why he wasn't the one for me. I cheated on him with someone who I thought I had fallen in love with, I told him about it and cried and he forgave me. I left him anyway because I didn't trust myself or trust he wouldn't try to get me back(revenge), and I left him for good. That was the most painful night of my life. I wandered the streets until 3 in the morning crying in random bus stops and parks. I shocked myself.
This was the second time in my life that I cheated on someone, the first time was with my ex fiancée. Why do I feel compelled to cheat on the good guys?! Both instances I thought I loved someone else and after I broke up with my ex's for the new guy I realised I didn't love the new guy at all. I wasn't even attracted to them!

Three years ago I met the perfect guy and found myself in a whirlwind romance with a man I thought I could marry. He's turned out to be an evil narcissist who I've been having a hell of a time trying to get rid of as he lives with me and my kids. Being with him is so frustrating that I've found myself becoming physically abusive towards him. He insulted my children and belittled my miscarriage, and I got so angry that I sort of blanked out and slapped him across the bed. He's a really big guy too! When I get that mad I don't even realise what I'm doing, I have only a vague memory of it later on. I'm not a violent person at all, but he seems to be bringing something out of me that I don't recognise. I don't drink, I don't fight, I don't smoke, I barely even curse (I say darn or bloody a lot, only curse when I'm furious), but with this current guy, I'm the opposite of all that. I say the F word to him all the time, I'm not like that!!

So this has opened the door for even more hitting him when he gives me the stupid silent treatment and loads of other frustrating things he does against me. I need to get rid of him because I feel I'm losing who I am and am becoming so angry. I've already been with someone abusive, I don't have the patience for any more crap. I'm too old to be wasting any more time! I've literally spent more than 10 years of my life stuck in abusive relationships. I feel the frustration growing and growing inside of me. He cares about no one but himself, insults me and my family, criticise and puts me down all the time. My family lost our old home because of him, I'm over 10,000 in debt because of him, I've had to have an abortion and I had a miscarriage because of him, and he cares about none of it. I get no support, and am all alone, while he's out living his happy single life. He treats me terribly, and he pushes and pushes until I explode. I'm so scared one day I'm going to blank out again and hurt him until he stops spewing his evil words to me. He said I'm beginning to scare him, I'm scaring myself to be honest. I didn't know I had this in me. I know that if he really wanted to he could knock me out with one blow, but he doesn't retaliate. In fact I want him to hit me back, it would be an emotional reaction at least. It would show he has feelings. I think that deep down he isn't the confident man he makes himself out to be, and that's why I'm getting away with hitting him.
That's another long story, but I'll get back to my point...

So anyway, my ex who I left 3 years ago has always been in touch with me. I think about him often and regret so many things. It serves me right for what I did to him, and I feel so bad that I hurt someone I love. I feel that what I'm going through now is my payment for what I did to him and that I deserve it.
Maybe I can only be with someone abusive, maybe that's all I can handle because if I'm with someone good I may ruin them. I don't think I know how to have a good relationship.
I sometimes wonder if I've been hurt so much in my life that it's impossible for me to completely love anyone. I think I have a love limit and don't give myself over completely to a man so that I can run. This plan doesn't always work as I can't get my ex out of my mind, and my current bf is still here after I've done everything I can think of to try and get rid of him. You'd think my constantly telling him to leave and that I fell in love with someone that doesn't even exist would work; but nooo. He just pretends like me kicking him out and packing all his things never happened. I tell him all the time that he's a fake and has convinced everyone, even himself that he's this God-like perfect human that does no wrong, only I know the truth. He just stops speaking to me for a week and then out of the blue is all happy again and speaking like nothing ever happened and is asking what's wrong with me and shakes his head at me telling me I always like trouble and that I live in the past. It's like I'm in the twilight zone.

The verbal and mental abuse I'm going through right now is driving me insane. I seem to have once again entered a relationship on the basis that I would never spend my life with the guy. I thought I had fixed this! I would like to be with someone I could actually marry. I do want marriage, but I'm scared I'll ruin someone else again and don't know how to stop that. How do I stop running? How do I recognise a good man and avoid the abusive ones? I honestly want my ex back, but am worried that I may just be using him to help me get over the guy I'm currently with. How do I know what's real or not. If I see my ex I feel him in my heart, I still cry when I think about how I left him or when I pass the area where we broke up and walked away from each other. When I see my current bf, I feel nothing but disgust. My ex is always asking why I'm running away from him. I don't want to run from another good man, what if he's my last chance for happiness and I'm stuck with this twisted guy I'm living with. What's wrong with me and how do I fix it?

It doesn't sound like repeating this cycle is helping any. Have you considered just stepping away from relationships altogether for a time while you seek out help/therapy/resources? I've been single for 5 or 6 years now and while maybe that's too long for most, it really helped put a lot of things (past mistakes and patterns) into perspective.

"Forever" and "never" thinking are some of the worst parts of depression. It's not too late to get some help and have a heart-to-heart with yourself about what you really want and need in life. Putting a wrench in the cycle and current situation doesn't equate to alone forever.

No its not helping. What's worse is that I actually stayed single for almost 4 years hoping to fix myself. I thought it had worked until the same thing happened all over again. I didn't even know it was happening until it was too late.
Thank you for your response, maybe I should look into therapy because fixing myself obviously failed. Lol

I have been alone for 64 years not to scare you but yes you can be alone forever.

Oh God that's a depressing thought.

It does sound like there's a pattern of turning to another man, for emotional support, when things in the current relationship are at a vulnerable spot.

That daydreaming description is part of depression, it's dissociative.

I'd say, one step, at a time. Answers don't come in a short time frame.

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Ooh that makes sense. I HATE vulnerability with a passion. Thank you for your response. ☺

Vulnerability is a key stepping stone to a relationship. Something that can be worked through.

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See, to me that just sounds like opening the door to anyone that wants to hurt me. I never seem to open it for the right one. SIGH

I'm sorry that you feel sad because of this, I completely understand. Having a good relationship was never in the cards for me. I was married 10 1/2 long years to a self serving a**hole, he is on his 4th wife now if that tells you anything about him. Talk about an evil narcissist! I married him at age 19.

Now, I have been single for 29 years. Wow, hard to believe. When I was first "single", I was a mom of 2 boys, no guy ever felt I was worth hanging around for because I had kids. When they found out I had kids, the look on their faces was priceless. Later on, I guess my craziness came out, I did not do it right when I was dating or something. I tried the online dating thing and ended up dating a bunch of married guys..found out they were married months later. I guess that was stupid and naive.

So...now I am 59, too old and completely anxiety ridden. Too crazy to be in a relationship. Many times, years ago, therapists told me that it would not be a good time to start one. It was never a good time! So no love for me either!!!

Didn't mean to write a book but I do totally empathize and am sorry for your distress. It's tough if you don't meet the right decent human being that loves you.

It does sound like you are in a really toxic relationship, I cannot advise you on that too much. A lot of people might suggest couples counseling if you don't think things have gone too far.

I cannot begin to imagine how I'd be if I was stuck with my current bf for that long. Think I'd actually kill him just to be free!
I understand the kid thing. I am single with 3 boys, my bf is always throwing that in my face saying no one would want me if we break up.
Wow, I've also been through the online dating and seem to attract married men like flies. So mad at myself when I found out they were married!

I would think that after being with a narcissist for so long it must have really messed with your head. I guess that's what I have to look forward to if I don't get away from my bf.

Do you even remember how you were before your relationship? Since you were pretty young when you married him do you think he warped or changed your character /personality? How did you even get away?!

Maybe, but it can happen. I'm well on the way. I'm 36 and was 31 the last time I was in a serious relationship (with a gigantic loser, by the way). I've spent the better part of my 30's not having sex (even though, dude, I'm not getting cuter ) because while I have dated (not really recently), I don't sleep with people after only one or two dates. Especially if I'm not really that into them anyway.

I'm a smart, funny, charismatic, reasonably successful, reasonably attractive (though a bit overweight) woman and it baffles me how I couldn't pay a man I was a bit interested to give me the time of day, and yet some women get hit on in the canned goods aisle, and can choose to spend four years single.

My point is, I don't think you need to worry about being alone forever--you obviously attract men. So whatever you have that I don't, I commend you. I think you should instead focus on quality over quantity and go from there.

Don't think I didn't seriously consider it! L0L...Actually, when things got the worst when I was about to finish nursing school and I had just found concrete evidence that he was cheating with the neighbor (!!!), he was lying on the floor napping and I looked at him with serious murder in my heart and thought that I could just beat his head in with some blunt object...I decided that I better get out asap before I went to jail for life. He was definitely not worth that. So I left him, even though I was still in school full time with no money.

I think he may have made me a man hater! Whenever I see him I just cringe or feel nauseous. And I cannot tolerate most men. When I hear about abusive men I cannot stand it!!!

Definitely staying with him so long changed me, not especially for the best but I had been so ridiculously naive about the world. Nursing school will definitely open your eyes!

Well I'm 37 and if there's hope for me then there's hope for you. 😉
I attract all the wrong men though. I've already chosen to be single for 3 1/2 years to find myself, which didn't work. I must have a really fantastic hiding place. Lol
I also don't have sex after a few dates, so I sort of never get rid of my ex's completely, that way if I end up single and needing sex I can get it from someone I know. Unless they have a gf, then I leave them alone. It's an awful thing to do, and I've only recently realised I do this!
Quality over quantity is a good idea, I probably don't need a harem. 😉

Maybe the men you're attracted to aren't actually right for you to begin with. You could be wanting them and meanwhile you're not noticing the guys that are interested in you.

Cheating with the neighbor?!! Good God you have some serious willpower! I'm sure you could have kicked him in the balls and gotten away with it. haha

Uh-oh, that's not good. It is difficult not hate all men after being hurt like that. Just have to keep hope alive that there are good ones out there, although they may not be among the living anymore. SIGH

I'm beginning to think that it's not about being naive, it's about not losing hope. It's about believing that there has to be someone decent out there. Unfortunately we're picking the wrong men to believe in.

Just thought I would let you know that I can relate. I also have commitment issues and it confuses the hell out of me. I met a guy who was in every way perfect for me, he had a great job, he was in love with me, he was very handsome, he bought me gifts just because he felt like it, he was understanding of my mental issues like depression or anxiety - he was literally perfect for me.
One day, I freaked out. I felt a crushing sense of anxiety and felt a strong urge to break up with him because I felt like I couldn't handle the relationship, I also felt like he deserved better and that I didn't have the energy to be in a relationship.
So about a week before I broke up with him, I cheated on him with a man who I wasn't even attracted to.
I had no idea what I was doing!

This happened last year. I realize I do have commitment issues because of my childhood.
I still have hope that I can have a healthy relationship.
And I still think you can too.

Two things have to happen for a healthy relationship to last.
YOU need to be in a good spot in your life. If you aren't content with where you are in your life, it doesn't matter if prince charming knocks on your door, it won't work.
You also need to find the right person who meets your emotional needs.

So those 2 things need to happen to make a commitment work.
And they can happen. Perfect timing is a real thing.

ComicRose it's really nice to hear from people that have similar issues. All I could say to my ex was that I think I'm crazy or something is really wrong with me and I was so very sorry and he deserves better. He said I'm not crazy, just a bit confused and I was perfect for him. I felt like I was losing my mind for a bit though. Like I didn't even know who I was.
It's a weird feeling to end up cheating with someone you're not even attracted to huh? I hate to even think about it.
Do you go to a therapist or are you working it out on your own?

Thank you I'm going to make sure I remember that.

Yeah I felt like my ex deserved better too, even though he clearly liked me...strange. Getting in the way of yourself sucks but sometimes we need to take a breather and pull back from something if we need to.
I told my ex I wanted him back but he was leaving for a six month deployment - yeah I feel really guilty. He said he wasn't looking for that anymore, but he'll see how he feels when he comes back. Fingers crossed.

I was losing my mind with anxiety towards the end of our relationship though. Kinda felt like a porcelain doll that was about to crack. Too much pressure I guess. I kept trying to be this perfect version of myself but ended up sabotaging myself in the process.
Totally unbeknownst to him, of course. But he could tell there was something wrong.

Yeah it is a weird feeling to cheat with someone you aren't attracted to, like a total downgrade, I was definitely disgusted with myself.
I'm trying to work through my issues without therapy and without medication because I've done both in the past and never noticed a difference, so I figure I might as well get better on my own.

Oh I hope he gives you another chance! It's awful to hurt someone you care about and ruin a possible chance for happiness. When he said he was leaving that must have felt like a punch in the belly.

My ex wants to see me, but I'm still scared. I also feel he's too good for me and that maybe he wants me back so he can get revenge on me in some way. Why would he want me after what I did?? 😐

Now that you've said that I think anxious is what I was feeling. I felt like I NEEDED to hurry and do something drastic. Like I was going to explode or implode if I didn't.

Getting therapy must be expensive. I'm currently reading a book on narcissism because of my current bf, and am looking for something on abuse in general because I seem drawn to men that are abusive who I know I'd never marry. Oh and for commitment phobia books for obvious reasons. Lol I was really hoping to fix myself also, but I feel time is running out. I'm not getting any younger!