Anxiety & Tears: 8 years, still no ring.

I am sure that many of you will read my title and right off the bat want to tell me to get out of this relationship, but it just isn't so simple...
I have been with my boyfriend since I was 20 years old. We met the summer before senior year of college at a community service event. We hit it off instantly. There was instant chemistry and we fell hard and fast into love. Second semester of senior year, he got an internship in Boston and moved 5 hours away. We struggled through the distance over the next year and a half while I finished my 5 year program. We hit some bumps, had some trust issues, but ultimately survived our first hurdle. I moved out to Boston shortly after graduating and we rekindled our relationship. We have always had the best friendship. We laugh a lot together and enjoy many of the same activities and interests. We have similar values and political leanings. Our families get along really well, we often all do holidays together. It all feels so right.

Around year 4, we decided to move in together. We had some ups and we had some downs. Around year 5, I started a casual conversation asking him if he ever thought about getting married someday...big mistake. He told me that we were no where near ready for that and that I had a lot to work on. A lot of what he said was fair criticism, however harsh it sounds. I was still coming out of the post-graduate party phase, and he was kind of over it. I had a series of jobs that I had been fired from and needed to get my **** together. As much as it hurt to hear, it was what I needed to motivate myself to get back on track.

By year 6 I had made significant improvements, but he still seemed hesitant. Neither of us were making enough money to put into savings accounts, just enough to live comfortably on. I know finances can play a lot in the marriage question. His company began talking about relocating to Charlotte, NC. He was noticeably more stressed in general. He is not the kind of guy who likes to talk about his feelings though. You have to know how to read him. I am starting to get a little bit anxious about marriage, but mostly I am just trying to be positive and focus on myself.

Year 7 is amazing its like we have fell deeply in love with each other all over again. The only problem is the relocation issue is starting to become very real and he is faced with having to make a decision whether to stay with this same company or leave. He works in professional racing, so it makes sense that they want to move to Charlotte. However, I work for a local Boston area University and am completing my Masters there, free of charge. I clearly cannot pass this opportunity up, so eventually the decision is made that he will move to Charlotte on a 1 year contract. He got a significant raise, and he began to make plans to bolster his savings big time. I also picked up a part-time non-profit job in my field at this time and am bolsting my savings as well. All seems to be heading towards building a life together...or so I hope.

Now here we are, heading into year 8 [July 2nd] and he is about 7 months into his contract. At this point, he is 29 and I am 28 and everyone is asking when we are going to get married. I am getting increasingly anxious about the situation and often find myself crying not only out of missing him being gone, but because I am afraid that there may not be a ring after yet another year of waiting for him to be ready. I have expressed my feelings to him, but he acts strange and never really makes me feel better. He says he loves me and that he is committed to this relationship, but when I spoke with him today he told me he doesn't have a plan yet for either leaving Charlotte, staying, or whatever else lay in our future. It scares me so much that I am having crippling anxiety. I cry myself to sleep sometimes and don't know what to do about it.

Am I crazy to feel this way? Am I being unreasonable to expect him to think of proposing after 8 years? I don't know whether I am dragging myself through undue misery or if I am being patient waiting for someone to get their ducks in a row. I love this person with all my heart. We have been through some tough times and always come out stronger, but I am tired of waiting and tired of feeling this way.

You know, in any other first world country, you two would be considered long-term partners, not "boyfriend and girlfriend" since you've been together for so long and lived together. Whether or not to get married could still be an issue, but you'd be in a position of more strength than being a girlfriend.

I suppose I'm trying to get you to feel more confident.

I would work on your degree and try to stay calm. You might want to see a therapist or someone to talk to about all this. Living in a different place from the person you love is so difficult.

When it comes to love, there is no reason.
The reality of the situation, at least as I see it given the information, is that he doesn't want to get married.
You could give him an ultimatum, but I don't really think you would follow through. No offense meant by that, you are simply in love.

Can you accept your unmarried state without resentment?

You are not crazy, and I am sorry for your predicament. It truly is heartbreaking. I do believe that this guy loves you and has significant commitment to you. He wouldn't have been with you for 8 years otherwise. But he is kind of leaving you hanging. The thing that would bother me that most is that he seems to have felt that it was you who needed to change a lot to be acceptable to him. Well, why was he even living with you at all? If he is waiting for you to measure up to some ideal in his head, that is never going to happen.

The crisis is going to come when one of you has to make a real sacrifice for the two of you to be living together. Someone is going to have to move. I'm glad you had the strength to stay where you are in a good academic program, and will stay to finish that. But then what?

You could eventually give him an ultimatum. That's problematic too. If a guy decided to marry me because I threatened to leave him otherwise, I don't know that I'ld find that too romantic.

Some guys do have a real phobia about marriage, but usually that's a guy who has been through a failed one. He's been with you since he was 21. So you are kind of all he really knows. He may have decided, and this is typically male, that he kind of likes it just the way it is. I think that age 28 is kind of late for a girl to be kept on ice. (but it's not that unusual these days.)

No, you're not crazy. It's totally understandable for you to be upset and even feel some despair over this. What's sad is that the two of you may eventually get married, but end up not having as good a life as you could have by jumping in sooner, rather than later. I've known other couples like you two. They waited and waited . . . till he felt ready . . . till they had so much in the bank . . . till they could afford a house . . . till they both had their jobs where they wanted. So the woman ends up having children a bit later in life than she ideally would have wanted. They seem to end up being behind in life and trying to catch up. Life is absolutely guaranteed to surprise you with things you could not have anticipated. Then when you finally are a couple, you will have tough things to deal with - like career setbacks/job loses - that no one anticipated . . . and you look back on the 8 years that you weren't really together and it can seem like you wasted time. And all the careful plans about how you were going to have everything nailed down just right don't quite come to fulfillment. I've seen it . . . I've seen people cheat themselves through all this shilly-shallying.

Here's what you might say to him, in some version: "Honey, if you feel that I still have a lot of self-repair to do before I could make you a good wife, then maybe we should just accept that I'm not really the woman for you. At age 28, I'm probably about as put together as I'm ever going to be. With more years of living, I'll probably get wiser, but I'll also get more tired and have less stamina and certainly be less youthful." I understand that you love him with all your heart. And I don't doubt that he loves you. But is his commitment really all you need it to be? You talk about having come through tough times with him and being stronger for it? I can't help but wonder if those tough times didn't involve you having to bend yourself to conform to him. You don't have to tell me, but, in your own mind, look at those "tough times" and see if there was a pattern in them of you mainly having to give in to his demands. A guy being a bit marriage shy is one thing. But a man pushing 30 years old, who is with a girl from the time he is 21, and he still can't quite see himself married, is someone I would suspect of being a teensy bit on the self-centered side.

And you can accept his reluctance because he comes up with what you term as "fair criticism?" You are taking way, way too much responsibility for this relationship not having jelled by now. So: You've just not been everything he needs you to be, but he has been hanging around for 8 years because . . . why? . . . he's such a good sport, he wanted to give you plenty of time to reform your errant ways? Come on. Women do that for men, but men don't do that for women. No. They don't. He's got a good education and prospects of a good career and he's been keeping you around for 8 years, in hopes that you'ld someday measure up to what he wants? There's plenty of women out there, and he is with you because he hasn't seen anything that he wants more.

So that's kind of good news, and then it's not. If he really thought he could have done better, then he would have by now. Yet, he doesn't want to give you credit for being the woman he has wanted to be with. I'm afraid that, sometimes, if a woman is willing to be with a man on any terms, then that's exactly what she gets. He knows exactly how in love with him you are. He's been figuring, for a few years now, that you just won't leave because you are that unable to. And he's been right. Unfortunately, that can actually make you less desirable to him.

When you convey to a man, "I'm lucky I have you." then, the man thinks, "Yeah, that's right . . . you're lucky to have me." And you've spent 8 years conveying that. You've kind of done yourself a lot of damage. Hard to undo.

So, I have no real solution for you, but, no, you're not crazy, and were I you, I'ld be crying myself to sleep every night. You do have an alternative. Ending is one. That would be very hard. And you'ld still be crying yourself silly.

I guess, I would take a half-way measure. (I kind of did this once.) I would give him his freedom and then see what happens. My guess is that he will say, "Fine." But then he'll keep coming back to see if he can get you back into the relationship as it is now. He'll call in a few months and say, "Let's just go out to dinner." That will be just to test, if you will melt when you see him. Then you're back to the same old game. Maybe, you've already done that.

If you hand give him his freedom, and he doesn't come around with a more serious proposition and you don't cave in to pressure, then maybe you will find that he just doesn't want you bad enough to marry you. At age 28, I would move on, in that case. You can do better. You don't believe that because he's all you've known. (At age 28, I did that. The guy ended up calling me 18 months later wanting to get married. By then, I had fallen in love with someone new. So you never know.)

I'm so sorry for your heartache and anxiety.

Has he been saving money big time as planned?

How many times have you seen him in person since he moved?

It is difficult to discuss serious issues (like a marriage proposal) while not in person... I've been apart from my boyfriend for the past year out of a 4 year relationship, and I know the struggles very well - we've only seen each other for a few days 2 times - just like in your situation, it is a matter of completing degrees in different places.

When you start to horribly miss the person you love with all of your heart, you may get the tendency to overthink things (I've discovered this in myself). I'm not saying that you have overthought your issue in any way, however, it may be a good idea to continue the conversation only when you two are visiting each other. Any fighting over Skype or email, etc. turns out much more hurtful in the end as it gets prolonged more, in my opinion.

Adding to Bill3's good question above regarding how many times you two have visited, how has he acted during those times? In 5 months his 1 year work contract expires right, so will he return home or is there a possibility of an extension? If there is for an indefinite amount of time, are you in a position where you could relocate to where he now lives?

i agree with all above.

You say professional racing based out of Charlotte, NC , so i am assuming NASCAR or something similar. Just how dangerous is his job?

Have you ever considered his reluctance to get married may be influenced by his job?

Maybe he doesn't want you to be widow?

Maybe he can't handle the stress of a wedding?

Maybe he thinks marriage is a step towards you wanting children? (have you had that talk ?)

I think you need to focus on your life and not have everything pivot on his decisions (or lack thereof)


just some ideas of mine

I truely understand how you are feeling. I could easily have been in your position.

My first concern for you is his refusal to even consider marrying you until you changed to fit his image of what he wanted his wife to be. You should be able to be whoever you want and he either accepts you or he does not. What happens if you do get married and 20 years from now he decides you need to change again? Maybe he needs to change a bit.

I'm also sorry to say it but he is making excuses. Many, many people get married without any money in the bank. Many of them do not even make enough to live comfortably but they have good marriages. People don't understand that you do not start you married life off with everything your parents had. It took years for them to be able to afford many things. Part of being married is making it through the tough times and working toward the good ones.

I suggest you do some serious thinking and be sure you are willing to give up all he is expecting you to release. Is being with him worth changing your personality, living by his rules and time table even though you do not know what it is and possibly giving up your career to move where he is and start all over again? It is a hard decision to make. I wish you luck.

Another thing occurred to me. The only reason I can think of for a pair of adults who are in love to not proceed with marriage fairly soon is that one of them wants to keep open the option to leave easily. We know that's not you. So I'm figuring he wants that option.

Now a woman's youthful beauty only lasts so long. At age 28, your looks haven't begun to seriously fade. But they will. There are men who have a strong preference for young women and tend to trade in older models. You'ld hate to spend another 5 years with him and then find out he gets restless. Much easier for an older man with a good job to find another woman than it will be for you to find a new man. Plus, he can shop amongs women 10 years younger than him. You probably won't want to. Your range of choices will be narrower.

One of the reasons for marriage is to give the woman greater assurance that the man is not just passing through her life because that is unfair to a woman who is committed.

Keep in mind that, if you want children, you only have so many years left to do that. (Obstetricians say age 24 is the ideal time for a first baby. Problems are more likely from mid-30s on.) He has decades left. If he is making all his moves based on what's best for him, with little thought of what might be optimal for you, that shows a deficit of love. It's hard for me not to suspect this guy is somewhat self-centered.

I am rather torn on this one. 8 years IS A LONG TIME! My oldest daughter and her boyfriend waited 7 years to get married and I must admit I never really doubted that it would happen. Their relationship was such, that I knew he loved and cared for her and was in the process of making plans for their future. i.e. buying a house, planning a wedding and honeymoon, everything that a girl could ask for, she got it from him. Had he not be acting like that I would have told her to dump him.

Now your guy doesn't even begin to sound like my now son-in-law. He sounds like he could be leaving his options open. I'm afraid that I have to agree with Rose, your options are narrowing the older you get, while his won't. Fair? NOPE but true, nonetheless.

Please reconsider this relationship and if marriage is what you want, then I would make it very clear that you will not wait forever and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. I personally don't believe in this soul mate stuff. There will be plenty of other opportunities for you, but you have to get moving, so to speak. Time is a ticking. You deserve to be happy too!

Big hug and good luck.

I have to say that I love the member name you picked.

It seems that this guy is pretty confident he already has you. Does he call you and tell you he misses you? He has you devoted to him for 8 years, and he has not been with others to appreciate just what he has with you either.

It "is" important that you finish your education so you can be independent. Let this "marriage" talk go until you do finish that, you will be more of a catch that way too.

Thank you for your advice. I definitely feel like things are coming to a make or break point. It is just so confusing. I have asked him point blank if he is truly committed to this, I have told him point blank that if this isn't going to end in marriage he needs to tell me, so that I can leave. He has never said he doesn't want to get married, so it is all the more frustrating. I told him not to string me along, and that I have given him 8 years, but I won't give him 9. I've made my terms crystal clear, and he hasn't led me to believe otherwise. However, my patience is weening significantly.

I visited him in October after he moved, he came back for Thanksgiving and Christmas time so I saw him then. Then, I visited him again in early February for his birthday. I haven't seen him since then though, and won't until May.

I have seen him about 4 times since September. I visited him once in October shortly after he moved. It was a really sweet visit and he cried when I left (he is not the type of guy who shows a lot emotion, so this is significant). I also saw him on Thanksgiving and Christmas because our families both live in upstate NY, and get along extremely well (we often do holidays together). Then, I visited him in early February for his birthday.

Yes, essentially his contract expires in 5 months. At which point, he either decides to stay with the company and remain in NC or he must find a new job and move back north. As of right now, he said he has no idea what he is going to do. This obviously makes me feel extremely anxious because this process affects my life too. If he wanted to stay in NC, I wouldn't be opposed, but I won't uproot my life and move that far away without him demonstrating more commitment at this point.

This is good advice, and most days I am fine. I am working full time and finishing grad school. I also work for two music nonprofits on the side, and volunteer with Big Sister when I can. I have a healthy social life as well, so trust me, I am quite busy and doing okay in my own life, but I affected by this very much as it isn't some high school relationship, but a very serious long-term one.

Maybe ask yourself why you’re studying with someone who clearly doesn’t want what you want?
There’s nothing wrong with having expectations and wanting to be married.
If he’s not on the same page as you maybe it’s time to find someone who is.
Otherwise you’ll have to settle for less than you want/need.

YES. IF he asks you to move to NC to be with him, ask him for an engagement. He seems to be dragging his heels a little bit. Eight years IS a long time, but then again, you are both still young with much going on in your lives and much to accomplish still. Sounds like you may need another conversation about his commitment level.

Candi I noticed you are a new member. This is a very old thread and member hasn’t been logging in on this site for almost three years. Its unlikely she’ll see your reply. I noticed that you did this on other thread too. Hugs

ha, I didn't notice that myself.

Is common law still a thing? I just remember that my birth mother and step father were in a relationship for over ten years before they “officially” got married. Less than two years later, and they were divorced. I think marriage is a great thing, but it can also be the end to some relationships because what I have seen what I just described on more than one occasion. My mom and step dad were “common law” for all those years, though.

I’m not the type of guy who is afraid of commitment, even when regarding marriage. I put a ring on the love of my life’s finger and she’s the one who ended it before it became official. Still, I do think some guys (and gals) get concerned about marriage when things are good, and are afraid things will get ruined. Since I’ve seen it happen myself, I can’t really disagree. I don’t necessarily believe it’s the marriage that ruins relationships, but at the same time I don’t think it can be ruled out either.

I know why you’d want to make it official, and I’m the same way. However, all you can really do is continue to have serious talks about what you both want. I don’t like that he’s telling you basically you need to change before he will marry you. That isn’t right. I’ve always believed that love is about loving the imperfections in someone. But with such little actual insight, it’s just too difficult to know what’s going on in his mind. For us, and even for you.

I never liked the whole “ultimatum” thing, but I do think you two need to sit down (no matter how many times you have before) and have a serious conversation. He needs to let you know what’s going on in his head. I know what it is like to have your partner not let you in, and believe me it’s really hard for a relationship to succeed like that. There absolutely has to be communication. At the end of the day, if he refuses to marry, then you have to decide if he’s worth sticking around for even though your future plans aren’t lining up. Compromise is also key in a relationship, and if he simply just isn’t ready yet but assured you he is committed, maybe you can compromise and have a sort of “promise ring” sort of thing or something? I know it isn’t what you want and might even be silly for a couple of your age, but it might also make you feel a little better about the situation. Hope it all works out for you.

Me neither... Whoops..

Old thread I hope the OP is doing well and happy