[Cazilla]

So I am 25 and was recently told that I am aggressive over all about everything. That I like to get my way even if it's an inconvenience to others. That I drive aggressively. That I'm open and I speak my mind. That I am too opinionated. Also that I'm too straight forward. That I like to know where my relationships are going instead of going with the flow. That when I want something, I get it. That to do too much, or go overboard, that I don't know when to tone things down or when to stop. Last but not least, that I lack subtlety and I don't know when to stop and do more than necessary.

I don't know how to feel anymore, how to change the way I am. My life wasn't easy or loving. My life has been extremely hard and I am a very strong person. I don't consider myself to be mean. I sometimes interrupt when I get excited but I do my best. I feel no matter what, I will not be perfect and for this very reason I do not like getting close to people.

[Keyslost]

You never know you may meet someone who really likes that. Maybe the trick here isn't to completely change yourself just when to know when to relinquish some power. (share it)

[Bill3]

Sometimes, often, people criticize women for behaviors that they would not criticize in a man.

That when I want something, I get it.

This is a bad thing?

This statement, if applied to a man, would not generally be considered a criticism. In fact, it likely would be considered a compliment.

So one way to look at yourself would be to ask, for each trait that is being brought to your attention, if it would be considered to be negative if done by a man.

I think that this will pare down the list of criticisms of you, and give you a more positive perspective on yourself.

I don't know how to feel anymore, how to change the way I am.

Based on what you said, I am not thinking that you need to fundamentally change the way that you are.

Of course, everyone has problems, things that could be better. You might want to consider what is something specific for you to work on. Maybe the interrupting that you mentioned?

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I don't know how to feel anymore, how to change the way I am. - everyone has their own style and that is fine, but if you feel some aspects of your thinking is holding you back you might consider a therapist who can perhaps help you modulate your style to fit circumstances. However you do sound very aware and I reckon you very likely have that 'heart of gold' thing going on? I find that a lot with outwardly fierce people.

[Trippin2.0]

You sound much like me, just better


I just want to add to what Bill said...


You mentioned being very strong, that circumstances shaped you that way...


My former therapist said the same about me.


He said that we all have female & male traits to our personalities, and because of me always having to be strong, my male traits developed more prominently, and that because of their dominance they override my female traits.


Of course our conversation was not based on the same topic, my issue is that idk how to be taken care of, how to be vulnerable etc, but like Bill said to you, he also told me that there was nothing wrong with thinking like a man. That I shouldn't be ashamed or scared of my strengths.


Idk, if its really troubling you, and I mean you personally, not the people complaining about you, then I would suggest maybe trying to pin point something you can work on. Like for instance compromise, its something we can all work on and benefit from.


Personally, nobody has had an issue with the the type of person I am, so maybe you'd also wanna take a look at the caliber of people you're associating with.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Cazilla

So I am 25 and was recently told that I am aggressive over all about everything. That I like to get my way even if it's an inconvenience to others. That I drive aggressively. That I'm open and I speak my mind. That I am too opinionated. Also that I'm too straight forward. That I like to know where my relationships are going instead of going with the flow. That when I want something, I get it. That to do too much, or go overboard, that I don't know when to tone things down or when to stop. Last but not least, that I lack subtlety and I don't know when to stop and do more than necessary.

I don't know how to feel anymore, how to change the way I am. My life wasn't easy or loving. My life has been extremely hard and I am a very strong person. I don't consider myself to be mean. I sometimes interrupt when I get excited but I do my best. I feel no matter what, I will not be perfect and for this very reason I do not like getting close to people.

With every personality trait, in my mind there is a positive and a negative side. For someone like you it seems to me that perhaps you're an assertive, capable and confident woman, but it may be true that you can be aggressive. Many times, with people the negative things about life, the world and people are what sticks in our minds the most. It's not that it's the whole make up of your personality but sometimes the bad parts remain memorable. I think that is natural for most people. In your case I'd guess you have a good side, someone that can take charge, lead and effectively make things happen when necessary. That is a good trait.

Try to remember that being assertive and confident, even one that speaks her mind at all times, is not really a bad thing. Try to see the good in it and focus on being aware when you may be letting your assertiveness become aggressiveness. You don't need to change that trait of your personality but use it positively.

Don't push people away or try to remain at a distance, keep in mind you just haven't found the right people that can handle your powerful personality. Take heart, there are people that want that in a mate, friend..etc.

I have found that as I got older, people are more comfortable with my strong traits. When I was your age, those same traits made a lot of people uncomfortable.

So, you may have many traits that you don't need to change at all. Just wait and people will stop complaining about them.

[ChipperMonkey]

I've had many of the same things said about me!

I think the key is learning how to harness those traits and keep them on the more "positive" side of things and not going overboard.

I think that its about more than being a strong female. Aggressive driving can be dangerous for you, your passengers, and everyone else on the road. Pre-defining relationships isn't necessary a good thing, either, because it oftentimes requires people to see into the future. Yes, in many cases, someone will know if they see a future with you, but if you cut yourself off to anyone who lives in the moment and can't give you a guarantee about tomorrow, you'll be cutting yourself off from a lot of great people and you won't be giving many relationships a chance to grow into something wonderful. Getting your way when its an inconvenience to others? I think that this might want to be examined, too.

Its one thing to be a strong female, but given those three things, I think it goes beyond just being a "strong female" and you may want to try and reel it in a bit.

[Elektra_]

ya being aggressive, not having filter (speak ur mind), opinionated are my traits also and i have been not accepted at all by people or even loved for that matter.

[divine1966]

There is a fine line there somewhere.

I am independent and ambitious and certainly speak my mind but I am not afraid to be vulnerable either and do not inconvenience others (intentionally). I think truly strong people are not only "go getters" but also can put others first and are not afraid to be vulnerable.

Honestly I don't see aggression as strength if it is taken out of context. Speaking ones mind and being straight forward isn't aggression unless one is rude.

I see strong person as a combination of independence and ambition mixed with loving nature and kindness. I don't think inconveniencing others or aggressive driving is that cool or honestly sign of strength.

I don't think you must change your personality but you might want to think about what you mean by getting your way? Inconveniencing others? How far you go with that? How do you treat others? Etc if you are a strong person but treat others well then it is great, so I would look into it

Just my opinion of course.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Hexagram]

Originally Posted by Cazilla

So I am 25 and was recently told that I am aggressive over all about everything.

Who told you this and in what context? Does your personality threaten a male partner's masculinity or a patriarch's dominance, or embarrass a female relative or friend who wasn't blessed with your strength? The problem might lie with your critics.

[Yismymindblank12]

You and I aren't so different, I wanted a girl more like me in my area. I'm like this to connect with out the ********. I don't believe aggression is bad unless it gets so far you hurt people. I don't know you so I can't say anything for certain read my posts hopefully you'll find some helpful hints and similarities in your predicament. I am a make but I am associated with being rude and a jerk to people who get easily offended by silly petty things. I will not say nice things to certain people to pretend to win favor. If I don't like them I ignore them. I usually get misunderstood. There is a fine line between aggressive and abusive my ex was abusive in a very aggressive way I have a very hard life in certain aspects but I choose to be happy instead because that's what I like to project unto others happiness. I liked your post alot. You remind me of myself alot those words you use. Thank you

[eskielover]

That would basically describe me.....but what I have learned LOL by the age of 62 is that you can do it in a more diplomatic way & get what you want (maybe not always the way you want it) but the end result will be the same if you don't make the other person feel bad about it.

I have learned to speak out for myself....I didn't have a voice growing up other than fighting with my parents but I have learned to LISTEN, READ, GET ALL THE FACTS & put them together to logic people through most of the things that I just fought for before.

I left my H after 33 years of marriage....but it was because I was doing everything anyway & I couldn't trust him to do things that one would normally expect from a H if they were needing assistance at a time....so I decided since I have to do everything anyway....get him OUT OF MY LIFE so I don't have that complication & person hiding information from me.....this way I know EVERYTHING about EVERY aspect of my life.....& honestly, I'm much happier than the hell I was living in for so long....honestly I was so tired of fighting after 55 years of living....I was seriously hoping that there was another way.

It's been much easier working with people than against them to get the things I need. I'm no different....still the same strong person who knows what I think & knows what I need & will not settle for being pushed even though many times I have been talked into doing it their way because they are sure, only to find out I was right in the end, so I am much less willing to even try anything THEIR way especially if it comes to something that I KNOW about myself.

Honestly I wouldn't want to be any different. I love being independent & being capable of doing almost everything that I need to do (other than when it takes extra physical strength)....but I usually try to figure out how to work around that also before I EVER ask for ANY HELP.

I actually was an only child that grew up in a neighborhood of all boys. My dad & mom were my examples of what I didn't want to be like & I really didn't have any positive role models around me growing up so I sort of made it up as I went while trying to fit in as best as I could....being quiet helped as I would think my thoughts rather than say them to start with until I got more secure with what I was thinking...but there were some things I stood up for no matter what & that usually had to do with animals)

Most of the time I have found that presenting my thoughts with a "this is what I think" rather than how my dad would do "this is the way it is", it's accepted better & it also brings about more positive discussion.

Growing up in a boy neighborhood, I was definitely the tom boy, ended up at the beginning of my firmware design engineer career being one of only a couple of women in the department & I played racquetball with the best of the guys & gave them good competition....so they sort of looked at me as one of them & never criticized me. I learned from others things I didn't know (unlike my H who thought he knew everything & had nothing to learn). I saw traits in people that worked & those that I didn't like to be around (definitely those of my parents) so I worked hard to NOT be like them & find traits in other people that I admired & worked at making them part of ME....so even though I didn't have a mentor to guide me....I sort of learned from everyone around me.....it was definitely a challenge....but I wouldn't trade independent, logical thinking for any other way of being & I have stopped attacking people who didn't do what they needed to do right....they always got it right in the end & by not attacking it made all of us a little happier in the long run.

The long & the short of it....keep the traits that you really like & smooth out the rough edges on the ones that seem to cause the most difficulty in your life & if something REALLY DOESN'T work....get rid of it & figure out a better way........I think this is the process throughout life from my experience.

[Bethany Rosselit]

I am curious what you think the reasons are for your behavior. Why do you think that you act the way you do? Are there any fears, etc. behind it?