[lostone]

Hi all,, I've recently posted about my breakup of 8 years. Well he left me, but a month later told me that I could move back in with him in his new house, that i could stay with him until I get on my feet. Well its been two weeks since I've been at his house, I LOVE him more than I ever thought was possible. It took him 4 almost 5 years into our relationship for him to tell me that he loves me. He has major emotional issues from a past marriage. Well about 5 months ago, I started a new job, started goint to the bar not coming home until 3 or 4, never cheated, but could understand why he would think so. I told him one night out of nowhere that ididn't love him anymore, that I didn't want to be with him and that I wasn't happy. He told me that night that he didn't love me either, but I made a mistake, I DO LOVE HIM. but he moved out, and still to this day tells me he doesn't love me. How do I make him want me again, what can I do? Do you think its possible to save our relationship? I mean I'm living with him again, Ifeel like if there were no feelings there, he wouldn't have let me move back in, I feel in my heart that we could be happy, that I just hurt him, and so unexpectedly.

[drunksunflower]

I don't really know enough details and I don't want to be nosey, but in what capacity are you 'moved back in'?

Same bedroom? Or not? Do you spend time together when you are both not at work? Is he trying to?

I think (just IMO) that if he had NO feelings then why would he want you around at all? It is sometimes hard for guys (and girls!) to retract things they say out of hurt, too. Sometimes it is better shown.

I had an ex bf who had ... well shall we say I drove him a little batty when we had arguments. I always try and over explain, over apologise. It is funny and sounds weird but when he had got over whatever it might be (he is a space-needer, I am a push-to-sort-it-out type - not very compatible) he would send me something like a pxt of his doggie ... or something else he'd seen he liked ... once it was lil ducks he saw on a walk.

For a hard house / hard trance DJ who is a bit of a boys boy, it might sound weird ... but he could never say ok i accept your apology. It was always something like a pxt instead. Strange, but true ...

But it sounds like you guys have a bit to get through ... do you think it's the best place (his) for you to be right now? Sometimes space is better than trying too hard.

I dunno, just my-.0002 cents ... good luck ...

[lostone]

thank you for your reply! As far as US,, yes we are in the same bedroom, we hang out, go to my sons games together, he introduces me to his friends at work as his girlfriend. Its just that one day we'll be fine, things will be soo good, then the next out of nowhere he snaps, hes gets so cold hearted.
Its like hes confused to. He started his own buisness, and he works his full time job, and in the military, so hes got alot going on. And I dont have a car, or a job for that matter, I've been looking but without a vehicle its hard. I think that right now I"m causing more stress for him, and that maybe he doesn't want me here because of that. And you sound alot like me as far as the pushing to work things out. I just dont want to lose him. I just want to hear him say that he loves me again ya know?

Yesterday we got into it over something stupid, he told me that I had one week to get out, he didn't want me here, and the only reason that he let me stay is because no one else wanted me. But later that night he said that I need to find a job so that I can help with bills and have my own spending money. I dont understand.. he confuses me sooo bad. I mean when he leaves for work, he leaves me money on the counter. He calls to make sure I'm ok for lunch. He still cuddles with me at night, its just so off and on. I'm an emotional person and I cry easily, and he gets irritated.

How can I make him want me,, I mean really want me again, like what kinds of things should I do, or shouldn't I do? Hes' leaving for three weeks in june, for the military things, I think that might help us ,, the space

[drunksunflower]

He is giving off too many mixed signals ...

I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do cos I am not qualified to do that ... lol, I don't think ANYONE can tell another person what to do in a relationship.

It is easy for me to sit here and go yes, you should do this or that ... it seems like you have the right idea though, to get your own life up and running again maybe with a job if you're interested in doing that, and him going off on his 3 weeks ... maybe that will be good for you both.

If I were you, and obviously I'm not, I wouldn't focus on the 'make him want me' aspect. Cos to me that implies throwing yourself a bit, and that's not always that cool.

Maybe you could just give him a little treat or two along the way .... not expensive, just something he likes, if it's a massage or something yum you cook ... try and reduce / minimise any drama ... don't push him where possible.

Maybe after he comes back from his time away you can be more straight forward, if you want to be then.

Remember you do not deserve to spend your life walking on eggshells. It is not a fun life for you.

I don't know babe, all I can do is offer best wishes and I hope it works out for the best for you ...

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there -- I'm certainly no expert on relationships, and it sounds like you need someone -- such as a couples counselor -- who can help you to work through this. Although you may feel as if you can't afford it, there are sliding scale places, usually supported by the United Way, so try calling there for a list. Hopefully, you can find someplace on a bus route.

Even if your bf will not go, go by yourself. You are the one reaching out for help to get clarity, and you deserve to find that help.

Best wishes for working this out in a happy way for both of you.

[Robyn222]

Well, he finally opened up to you and then you whammied him with telling him you don't love him. OUCH! He is terribly gun shy and very ambivalent. I don't mean to be overly harsh on you. You probably panicked too. But that would be my analysis of why he is acting as he is. Do you know yet why you acted as you did? That might help you open up a conversation with him ( possibly including a counselor) that you could explain AND explain why it would not happen again. Dang it, I feel for the guy. Call me weird.

I think your telling him you didn't love him, etc. that one time made a big impact on him. I used to throw around "divorce" when I was depressed & blamed it all on my husband. One day he took me up on my threat & said you want a divorce so let's do it! I learned to not threaten with things I really don't want.

I didn't want a divorce. I was just so depressed & could think of no other thing to blame it on except him (later was diagnosed with bipolar--that explains a lot), I learned to not say things I don't mean & to not ask questions that I didn't want to hear the answers to.--Suzy

[lostone]

thank you for your honesty, I wish I would've never told him that, but at the time, I didn't think I did, I thought I wanted something more,, not someone but something. Its hard to explain. Hes not a very emotional kind of guy, hes always got his guard up and gets defensive very easily. And when I told him that I was moving out, and didn't love him, we were laying in bed, and out of nowhere I started crying and told him.
I just felt like I needed a change,, in my life ,, in myself. just a whole different me. But now that I realize the only me I want is the one that he loves, it almost feels to late sometimes. Like hes given up. and i feel like I need to do something before its completley done ya know?

[Direction]

Getting you "house" in order is a good idea - job, car, etc.

Have you simply explained what you've explained in your post to him?

[Perna]

I would talk to him, take a chance and tell him what you've said here; what have you got to lose? I don't think you can "trick" him back or slip back in to his feelings while he's not looking :-) anything like that. I think a whole lot of honesty and communication is the only way to go. I don't think it's a good idea to assume things either; when you were saying you thought he might still care for you since he let you move back in, my thought was that he might feel sorry for you! Two different directions that only he can answer. Talk to him!

[seeker1950]

Did I read your original post correctly?...that you were going out to bars till 3 and 4 a.m.? No wonder he had second thoughts!
Patty

[donafelipa]

If you talk with him, maybe it's best to have no expectations. I just broke up with a man but we had only been together for a year. Even so, I sense a grieving process is going on in me. Grieving the loss of relationships is important. I've tried to deny the break up had any big impact on me. But then the stress took over and I started blacking out and throwing up. So maybe denial doesn't work. I don't think there's anything with just crying and crying until the tears finally dry up. Can't predict how long that will take. But it is, for me, a comfort.