Would you be friends with a fat person or not?

Many hugs, I can totally relate to that!

What? That's just awful of her. You can do with your life as you wish and she should butt out of it. And to answer the title question: Yes, of course I would. I have some "fat friends" and I never think about their weight. I can't possibly understand why it would in any way affect our friendship.

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Thanks. Congrats on your weight loss. I won't tolerate it anymore. Like I said, I'll firmly but gently tell her that's not OK if she ever mentions anything about weight again, even as a joke. I'm sure that she'll not mention anything about my weight again unless I were to maybe finally loose a lot of weight hopefully-

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this because no good friend (or anyone, really) should ever discuss someone's weight, especially so negatively.

I know multiple people have pointed this out to you, but just to add in one more opinion, this is NOT okay in any way, shape, or form. There are so many negative messages that she passive aggressively communicated to you in that one statement.

I think this is a great opportunity for you as a friend. I know you said you will let her know that she can't say those things to you, which is great. Maybe this will be a learning experience for her in that she will learn that comments like that hurt people and are not appropriate.

I have had weight issues throughout my life and once had an eating disorder, so messages like this hit home for me. This obsession with weight and fear of fatness has been going on for far too long and has done and is still doing major damage to people in many, many ways. Although we are beginning to see more body acceptance, there is still a very long way to go.

Sorry, I am a prospective eating disorder PhD student so when I get the chance to speak out from that perspective I always do.
I hope you are feeling body positive despite her comments, and I hope you are feeling some clarity and validation from all of these wonderful replies to your post. If you need someone to talk to about this I am always available to talk!

This person sounds shallow, judgmental, cruel and narcissistic. Pretending to be "kind" in other aspects of her life is just a cover designed to fool people. I would not want a friend like this in my life. Her negativity is a real downer.

The original question of choosing a friend based on weight or appearance strikes me as an outrageous concept. I'm really shocked at hearing your so-called "friend" would be so discriminatory. I'm surprised you still talk to her.

This is truly disheartening, but to add on to what you were saying letsdance7, I have found to my cost (especially emotionally) that people who are overweight (like me) just get no respect from anyone else. People don't even treat alcoholics, drug addicts, or even serial killers as bad as they treat overweight people. Sure, they judge those people, but they still get respect. You don't get people going up to a serial killer in his jail cell and calling him names and mocking him, yet people do it with us, and so easily, it's so easy, they don't even have to think about it. Nobody takes you seriously in any walk of life either. For example, people think I am one huge joke and they don't believe I am capable of anything significant. If there is something that I am truly qualified to handle, they will choose 100 other people who can't get the job done instead of coming to me, and after all 100 failed, then they say it's time to quit at that task and move on, since it's not worth the effort apparently. Being overweight is not just about looks, it affects your whole life because of how people perceive you and automatically assume everything about you is useless simply because you have an addiction (which all thin people by the way also have, theirs is just to something different).

I am sorry you have such bad experiences. I am a bit surprised with your generalizations.

Plenty of heavy/overweight people are very successful. Nobody thinks they are a joke and people do take them seriously.

Several of my close friends, and number of my colleagues are overweight and so is my BF. They are successful professionals and no one thinks they are a joke.

Sure there is judgment etc I do agree, but your experience sounds very extreme! People don't ask you to do a job you qualify for because you are overweight?

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Wow. I really thought we were talking about someone in middle school... someones size shouldn't determine a friendship. If someone is that concerned with your body size then they're not truly a friend.

You see, the thing is, I know we've had a few heated discussions before in other threads, but the thing is (just humour me for a minute if you will), you tend to give society at large a lot of credit they don't really deserve.

You might not believe this, but people who are considerate such as yourself and people who care to the extent you do - they are virtually non-existent in the 20-30 year old people of society today. I would say your circle of friends, well, they are a rare find in my opinion if that is they way they truly accept overweight people so openly and without judgement.

I don't know if the "66" is anything to go by, but I'm assuming you're from a previous generation of people, am I right?

The people from "86" and "96" onward (my generation) - you cannot believe just how ignorant and judgmental A LOT of them are. Look, I know you take issue with some of the things I mention on the forums and they may seem like gross generalizations, but, truly, I would not be sitting here bringing up these things if they weren't really happening. It's not just me to whom these things are happening either, I KNOW my experiences are NOT an isolated case. There are several people who can vouch for what I have experienced in life.

As you can see by just this thread alone, immediately a multitude of people began responding with similar experiences and feelings, me included. People who have been on the receiving end of judgement based on weight, in some way or another. It is sad but a true fact of life today - there is a really large group of really ignorant, selfish, hurtful and horrible people out there in the world today (all aged about 34 and younger) who truly don't give a damn about anyone other than themselves and have no sense of others at all and how their actions affect them. And, the worst thing is, they are TOTALLY supported in their viewpoints by the media, corporations, government, you name it. Anything that remotely resembles social media or a social magazine or whatever pretty much backs up this viewpoint of these people. So, they are unlikely to change, because their viewpoint has been driven to become the "norm".

I truly believe that you are not in a "normal" circle of friends, family, etc. Which is a compliment! Be glad!

I think you are assuming too much that people think the way you do (considerate, helpful, caring, compassion for others) and I think you may be giving them way too much credit. I genuinely see this in the older generations (such as yourself, and I'm not bringing up age now, I'm just saying), the compassion, the understanding, the good will toward others. I truly think your circle of friends too are the exception rather than the norm. I know it's sad and it's a hard reality to possibly accept that many young people can be so horrible, but unfortunately they are.

And, it is definitely happening. I mean we see things like bullying in school becoming such a huge problem, they've got to make campaigns on TV to stop it. I mean you know it's bad when WWE wrestlers have to appear on TV to convince kids to stop bullying each other.

I choose friends based on personality. Always figured that's what matters. But I've known people that it did matter to. A friend of mine's sister(she's 29) says that fat/unattractive/sloppy people bring down your "property value". IF you surround yourself with good looking people then good looking people will flock to you. You'd have to know her she's a real piece of work.

Apparently she gets it from their mom who thinks all fat people are lazy. She likes to say "you didn't get fat from walking and inhaling air did you?" Needless to say I've gone rounds with both of them but I've met a handful of others that were like them.

There are bad and horrible people everywhere. I lived on two different continents. Sure. Not everyone is nice but why these sweeping generalizations?

And I am way older than you but I do Spend time with people of all ages. Young middle age old etc I know very many people of all ages and shape and sizes

I believe your perception of society as evil place come from your own issues that aren't resolved. How many people do you know in person and associate with face to face rather than reading stuff online?

We all have bad experiences but yours are painting everything with one broad brush of stereotyping and generalizations. It is sad way to live. You got to do something about it

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Look, I understand how you feel, but just one day, when you don't have too much to do, make a turn at your local college/university or wherever's coffee shop or get together place and just sit and observe the young people for about 2 hours. I guarantee you that you will begin to see the stuff I'm speaking of.

I truly believe you have been fortunate thus far to not encounter the people I, or any of the others on here, have. There is about a 65% demographic of people you've never met before, and be thankful you didn't. Sure, I see the "good" people too, but you try and make friends with them, they are so stuck up and rejecting. I mean I'm not making this stuff up. It feels like you are trying to invalidate all the experiences I have had in my life and telling me I'm paranoid and all the stuff I am experiencing is in my imagination. If it were all in my imagination it would all have faded by now. Nobody can imagine things for almost 30 years. If it were my imagination, then I would not fail each and every time despite using totally different social approaching skills. I've done it all, I've tried being nice, distant, aloof, open, introvert, extrovert (yes, I did try that too), laughing, somber, you name it. I can't fail each time with everyone, that's impossible. Yet, it happened anyway.

And, I never said society is evil or good. I didn't say I was either good or evil either. I said it hurts when people are mean, but I never said they are evil.

I am by textbook definition, obese. From age 18 until almost 30, I put on 100lbs. I am 5'4" and weigh 245lbs. I am fairly evenly distributed, but mostly pear shaped. My ex husband actually told me he was not attracted to me, sexually or otherwise, because of my weight gain. It was a sore spot for me, needless to say. It hurt so much to hear him put down anyone who was overweight. He himself is naturally thin--6ft. and 145lbs. Not everyone has that metabolism. Not to mention women gain weight differently, especially one taking many meds weight gain as a side effect.

Well, all in all, he is out of my life. As well as anyone who thinks like that. I am also quick to stop anyone who tries to judge another person at all. You know what? There are a lot of people out there that share the same viewpoint. Those are people you want as friends.

It should only be up to you if you are pleased with your body or not. I am honestly trying to lose weight for health reasons. That is always a good reason in my opinion. Of course, if you are happy with your health, don't let someone try to guilt you into losing weight for that reason.

I am sure you will find many friends who like you for all that you are.

Well would they be friends with me?

I don't care what my friends look like but we have to want to hang around each other LOL

I know right! I don't care in the least what my friends will look like, I just wish I had some! All a person wants is people to share life with, instead of living the whole thing on your own.

Why is all this appearance rubbish so important? Outside does not equal inside.

Wait...I know why it's important, because there are people making MONEY out of it, as usual.

First of all I went back to ready your post fully. What a nasty friend and I do think she might be saying what she says without thinking. It's all about how the "rules" are. Fukc the rules! I mean really are we all still in high school and is reality really like that. In some groups yes but in other no and most of the time some people just don't care.

I'm mad that it seems that a women who isn't in her teens is still treated like that. Your friend might still need to grow up some more in area than she knows.

I don't need to sit and observe random young people. Lol i know many young people in real life.

I work two jobs. One is with teenagers and the other primarily college students. I hang out with people of any age, in my family and otherwise . Heck I got my masters later in life so I am not that long out of university myself even though I am almost 50. My classmates were young, my daughter and nephews have young friends etc etc

Maybe you live in some skinny land lol I live in Michigan, U.S. Huge number of people aren't small at all

To say that heavier people are treated as a joke or aren't even asked to perform a task would mean large majority of people in my area are treated as a joke or aren't taken seriously and no one can even get a job. That's not the case where I am at. At all

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Perhaps you aren't selective enough of everyone treats you bad. If you are failing with everyone you meet, something is going on. Maybe you need to hang out around different people and certainly seek help such as therapy.

I am not saying I haven't met bad people. Or that your experiences aren't valid. But you are saying "everyone" is stuck up and rejecting then something is going on that needs addressing. Something is happening that causes these experiences

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Yes, OK, of course, I just mean it still all depends where these young people are, which you kind of hint to in your next text, which is what I'm sort of getting at actually with my previous post:

It IS probably very country specific, or state specific, or whatever. People are different, and nobody can meet them all. If I had met the people of MI, then yes, I would probably have a different view, but my experiences in my country, they've not been like that. People here are ignorant! You'll be shocked at some of the stuff they say and do.

I have known a few South Africans in my life time. Only a handful but at least one of the handful was rude to me. Then again the people they were in the group of weren't really nice to me ether. They were also "BIG" but it was totally a body type issue for them.

The only big bigotry I saw a lot in the South Africans was on race. At least the younger white ones had big problems with any black person.

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I'm super tiny, I have the opposite problem and that is I can't put weight on and I don't like having people judge that I'm sick because I look anorexic!

I try as hard as I can to not pick on some because of weight issues! What bugs the crap out of me is people being unaccepting of people for any reason that is different. I guess that's why I couldn't stand the one South African who was quick to judge

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Me too! And the "rules" of judgement are so ridiculous and hypocritical.

Ok, not to sound judgement myself but I saw somewhere the friend is Asian. Most Asian's I know of that are older come off a quick and to the point, so much so that it can be hurtful.

Then again saying that I know of other cultures that also are short and to the point. I also see this in some other Americans. I'm not saying she should get a free pass but I've lived outside of my own country once. It's funny how small things are seen as big things

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There are ignorant people everywhere. Same as there are nice people everywhere.

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It is my experience, having lived in 3 different states in the US, that many people (regardless of age) are kind to you so long as you fit in and are like everybody else. If you dare try to be different or think for yourself, or if you have some kind of obvious mental health issue, most people are quick to judge and discriminate you at best and outright bully you and treat you like an animal at worst.

Personally, I would rather die than lose my individuality and be like everybody else.