Would you be friends with a fat person or not?

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Hi, sorry to the slow response. I've been tired and busy lately. Anyways, sorry to hear that your family makes you feel bad about your weight- Mine has been doing that for years! My husband sometimes does that, but he knows his limits. I had to yell at my parents numerous times to never give me diet advice again or comment on how I look unless I ask them to.

Thankfully it worked, so, so far, so good most of the time- They're both heavy too, so they're hypocrites. As for my friend, I think that she was really unaware of how her comment came across. I honestly think that SHE thought that she was being honest with me about how other people felt. A male friend told me that he has no issues with heavy set people, but he did state that a lot of people are repulsed by heavy set people. That seems to be true.

As long as a heavy person is not wearing stuff that is to tight and inappropriate for their size, then who cares how big they are? Unless someone is planning to marry or date someone, then why should their looks matter? I'm sorry, but it looks do matter to most people. Sorry to hear about the way that your students treat you at times. Its great that you can handle their comments well though-

IF my friend brings up any weight issues again, then I'll gently but firmly let her know to not bring that subject up again. IF I thought that she was truly being passive aggressive, then I'd not be her friend for sure. I hate those type of people!

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Hi, I agree, she might be projecting some insecurities onto me since she has gained 8lbs. lately and so she is being more careful about what she eats. She thinks that it has to do with menopause.

She still looks thin to me. Like I said before, I honestly don't think that she meant to hurt me or be mean. I'd not be her friend for sure if I suspected that for a second. I just think that she said that out of ignorance and if she really thought that heavy people were awful, then I doubt that she'd be my friend.

Some people tend to put their foot in their mouths at times, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt unless this becomes a habit. IF she mentions weight again w/o me bringing it up, then I'll firmly but kindly tell her to not do it again, and I'm sure that she won't.

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Wow, that's strange. I've always had issues with making friends no matter what my weight was. It could be that some people are shallow, or are you actually more confident when you weigh less?

The confidence thing could be affecting how you come across to other people. If that's not the case, then I hate to say this, but there are some people out there who do discriminate against overweight people. I think that it's stupid, but that's just the way that some people are unfortunately-

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Hi, that makes a lot of sense! That's kind of stupid though for some people to think that a heavy person isn't active, or interested in going for walks or anything like that. There are plenty of heavy people taking walks and going to the gym all the time. Good for them.

Then there are thin people who can be couch potatoes too. Of course, maybe a heavy set person can't do more extreme activities at first. That's great that you care more about how a person is rather than what they look like- I'm the same way.

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Hi, sorry for the slow response. I can get tired, depressed, and just plain overwhelmed at times. Anyways, that's great that what other people look like don't matter to you- It's what's on the inside that counts when it comes to friendship. Now, I can understand why looks would matter to someone who is in a relationship or looking to be in one though.

You're right, it is NOT easy to loose weight, no matter what! I'd have to go on a really strict diet and work out hours each day to loose weight, but even then, I'd never be a certain size since that's not the way that I'm meant to be. Also, you're probably right about what you said about not being able to relate to people who don't work or have kids. Although there are some people who do maybe see those that don't work as being lazy, uneducated, or something stupid like that.

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Hi, about my clothing choices, maybe there were a few times that I chose to wear a dress that hugged my problem areas to much, which is my stomach and hips. In that case, I don't think that was the case though. I'm usually pretty careful to stick to loose A line flowy tops and dresses.

I even wear long scarves at times to hide my belly, and long shirts to hide my wide hips and by kind of big butt and thighs. Maxi dresses do look good on me most of the time.

As for caring about my health, I guess that she did think she was trying to help me.

Regarding work, I don't have to worry about the way I dress now as I don't work due to various reasons. Maybe in the future I might try to look for a job, but I'm very limited in my prospects due to not having a college degree or any special talent. I also have social anxiety, and I know that when I tried to work with the public in the past, that didn't end well due to my anxiety issues. I would end up getting fired for not being that social or quit due to being to overwhelmed to deal with people all the time. If I can find a night job to where I don't have to deal with people, that'd be ideal. It can't involve to much heavy lifting though.

I'm lucky that I don't have to work to pay rent as my husband earns a decent salary. As for people discriminating against heavier people, that's sad but true at times. It is a LOT harder to loose weight no matter what when most people get older. It doesn't help that I messed up my metabolism with a ton of yo yo diets in the past. I mostly eat healthy now, but I do drink to much light beer and vodka once in awhile, ugh! I need to start exercising again too. I've been stuck at the same weight for way to long, so dieting alone is not going to help me loose weight like it has in the past, ugh!

I did not read the whole topic but OFCOURSE i would be friends with someone who is overweight.

Please , anyone who says overweight people are not worth to be friends with are just horrible , evil people. You do NOT need these people in your life. They will only bring you down. You are worth more than that.

Hey, no problem about the slow response - I understand.

I get the social anxiety thing with work too, that sounds hard. I've experienced SA and although mine has improved I still find some situations stressful. Volunteering really helped me and allowed me to control the situations I work in, it also helped me meet like minded people.

I'm so glad the responses including mine have helped reassure you most people do not reject friends by their size/looks, that would not have been healthy for you to believe.

Yes, I agree some people will select romantic partners on that criteria, but not everyone by any stretch either. I believe it's what's on the inside that makes us truly beautiful!

I think there's making friends; for which some people would not look much past outward appearance so would not become friends in the first place; and there's staying friends with people. I have found for me that my self-esteem has a lot to do with how well I maintain my friendships. When I was young I too was thin but my self esteem was not very good so making friends was difficult. One of my best friends (we're still friends 45 years later) was athletic and I was not but, to be around her I had to jump through some pretty unfriendly hoops! I went to hockey camp with her one summer (I hate running and was "okay" at sports but not enthusiastic :-) and a lot of my interaction with this friend was my access to a car and being able to drive she and her other friends to athletic events in which I was not included? Our personalities and interests, etc. were/are very different so being friends with her is always going to reflect that. Now we live 2000 miles away from each other but get together for school reunions, etc. and the fact of keeping in touch and the longevity of our relationship, our memories, etc. is what makes this particular friendship "work".

With your examples, your being overweight (as am I; I'm at least 100 pounds overweight) is a bit similar to my not being interested in sports when I was younger and my friend being interested? The friend on the phone's interests are different from ours? As your husband (and mine, who is also obese) say, they don't care and so there's no worry there about being friends but how is your self-esteem these days? My daughter-in-law ran in the Marine Corps Marathon 10 or so years ago, before having children but still has a running group, etc. I consider she and I good friends because my self esteem does not feel threatened by her being thin and athletic. That's her "thing" like reading/study/research is my "thing". I feel she accepts me as I accept her, warts and all I think if we worry about being accepted or about accepting others (I'm good friends with my husband's ex-wife) then we need to work on our own self esteem/perspective. I don't care if you eat a dozen cupcakes for breakfast or run 5k races every day before breakfast. If we were friends I'd enjoy talking to you when I had the opportunity and doing whatever we enjoyed doing together when we got together (whatever joint "thing" we had).

If you weighed 130 (half my weight) and asked me how my efforts at weight loss were going, I'd tell you what I was doing in that area or be amused at your nosiness/assumptions/asking, depending on why I thought you were asking. If I trusted you and you were a good friend I'd discuss the subject but if you came out of left field I'd say something like, "And you're asking me this, why???" in an amused/incredulous voice to either let you know you were out of line or to get more details as to your thoughts/feelings and perspective, etc. If you "blundered" on in an "I-care-about-you"/know-more-about-what's-good-for-you-than-you-do voice I'd set you straight with a firm boundary that I do not believe you are better able to evaluate my life than I am and that I am not interested in discussing this subject with you and then I'd change the subject with a general question about you/what you're up to in your life.

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That's great, and I'm so glad that not one person has said that they wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is overweight!

I agree with what you said! Those kind of people are judgemental and evil people, and I don't want to have anything to do with them! I think that in my friends case, she was just making a stupid assumption. Apparently she has no issues being friends with me because of my size. I think that she thinks that she was trying to help me out at times with her unsolicited comments.

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Hi, thanks for understanding that I tend to be slow at responses sometimes. It doesn't help that I get easily depressed and frustrated. Right now my attempts to befriend people have not gone as well as I hoped it would in real life despite doing just about everything right, supposedly.

Anyways, I'm so glad to hear that not one person would not want to be friends with someone because of their size or looks- As far as romantic partners go, I can see why that would matter to some people. There usually has to be some level of physical attraction in a romantic relationship I think, especially for most men.

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I'm glad to hear that you were able to stay friends with your athletic friend for so long. You have a good sense of boundaries. I need to speak up more when someone does or says something out of line instead of brushing it off at times as nothing and then getting upset about it later, ugh! I'm getting better at that most of the time though! If my friend ever mentions weight again, I'll tell her that I know that I'm overweight and to please not remind me of it unless I ask her about how I look next time. I'm sure that she won't say anything about my weight again after that.

I don't know. I tend to look unkempt most of the time and I am only now realizing what kind of effect that has on the way I come off to others. It's all interesting. I tell myself that I will be more careful about my appearance because I really believe that being more attractive would get me better results, but it's still hard to put the effort in!

I'm not sure that it's people being shallow - I don't think it's intentional or anything, just something that happens. Haven't there been studies about how attractive people make more money or something?

I'm not thin, but I'm not fat either. But I have been both. I am quite an introvert by nature, but would be friends with anyone with a kind heart. No matter who they are or what they look like.

Dear Shy,

This 50 year old woman is NOT your FRIEND and IS NOT NICE at all. Growing up in Asia, I assume her eyes are shaped a little differently than Americans so, would you ever tell her that some people might have a problem being friends with her because of this?? Umm, no you wouldn't. Why, because you are NICE.
Being 50 and from a different culture does not excuse her behavior. Pick new friends who can be positive and uplifting, not ones who will drag you down.

Best of luck to you.

There may be some people that judge and choose friends this way, I guess that may be true but the fact is wtf would you care about superficial stupid people like that? Worst case scenario, assuming it's true, think of it as filtering out all the worthless judgmental people that would be much of a friend in the first place because they'd never get to know the real you. NO loss there.

Besides, if this "friend" of yours is saying these kinds of things to you, I question whether or not she's one of those people anyway and maybe you need to find a better friend to talk to and listen to. *hugs*

To answer the OP - I don't pick my friends based on appearance. I base it on inner qualities. When I was younger I was so thin I looked anorexic. My best friend was short and overweight. We used to joke that we looked like Mutt and Jeff. Almost 50 years later we are still friends. Over the years she's been there for me when I needed her. I've done the same for her. That's what friends do for each other.

I like your idea to say something to your friend the next time she comments on your weight. You said she can be tactless. Perhaps she tryly doesn't realize that her comments hurt you. If she continues after you say something, it might be time to reconsider this friendship.

Yeah, you're right, it's not OK at all! It sounds like your friend has a deep-seated resentment all along.

I really don't know why people hate fat people. Try being a fat guy, it's even worse. You still managed to get married, women don't even look in a fat guy's direction.

I think it's a visual thing. People always judge by what they see. You can't see alcoholism, mental issues, drug-addiction, smoking addiction, sex addiction etc. as a physical thing on a person's body, but it just so happens you can see eating disorders. It's the most unfair addiction ever. Thin people can have so many more addictions and problems (and by the way your friend is morbidly addicted to and obsessed with eating healthy plans and dieting) but you'll never know because you can't see it.

And, the only reason so many people sit in the gym too, is because they are addicted to it! Their addiction is no different from my sugar addiction. We both love what we do. They have simply chosen to get addicted to something else that I haven't. Healthy living is an addiction just like unhealthy living.

I think it's time for you to get a new friend.

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Thanks, yeah, you're right, I'm sure there are people out there who do choose their friends by how they look, etc...I don't want or need friends like that at all. I really don't think that she meant to be mean or judgmental at all. I think that she just made a silly assumption that might be the case. Apparently it doesn't matter to her as we've been friends for four or five years already, and she has been nicer to me than most people have to me most of the time.

She is also one of those rare people who will pick up the phone to talk to me and return my calls as soon as she can instead of ignoring me like most people do. It's not like I ever called them that much, so that really hurt me a lot when they used to pick up the phone, and then stopped doing so unless they needed me to listen to them talk about their issues, ugh! So selfish! Those so called friends are no longer in my life!

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That's great that you have such a great friend! Wow, 50 years is a long time! I'll be lucky if I can keep a friend around for more than 5 years! I don't know if I'm attracting the wrong people or doing the wrong things, but I can't seem to keep friends around for long most of the time, ugh! It seems like once people can tell that you have some baggage, most of them don't want to deal with it and end up avoiding you like hell after finding out about certain flaws. Ugh!

I will definitely say something to my friend IF she does ever make any comments about my weight or anything like that again. If she continues to make those comments, then I will downgrade her from a friend to an acquaintance or stop talking to her maybe. I'd rather be alone than have friends who would make comments that they know are hurtful to me. I can take constructive criticism, but when certain comments are unsolicited, that's not cool.

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First of all, why do you think she would resent me at all? Now, if I was a young, thin, gorgeous model type, then I could see why she'd resent me. That's not the case though! She has told me that I'm pretty before, and some people, including my husband think that I'm pretty still although I don't think that I am most of the time.

She's not ugly IMHO. She's O.K looking. I don't sense any resentment from her at all. She has been nicer to me than anyone else has been to me most of the time in my entire life! I think that she just made a tactless and ignorant comment and has probably regretted saying that. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm almost certain that IF she does make any comments of this nature again, that she'll back off and not make them anymore once I kindly but firmly tell her not to do so. She is normally a pretty polite person.

I'm sorry to hear about your problems- Honestly, there are some women who do and can appreciate and love an overweight guy who is kind to them, a good listener, funny, smart, and just a great guy in general. You need to be more confident to attract women. Men can be really brutal with overweight women, ugh! Even the overweight ones, it's terrible! I can't tell if my friend is addicted to a healthy lifestyle or not. She doesn't go overboard with things. She still eats sweets and carbs all the time. Just in moderation.

Sorry to hear about your sugar addiction. I'm sort of addicted to drinking to much at times which isn't good for my weight either. I'm a binge drinker. I drink at home when I'm depressed and stressed out. I also love carbs, but I try not to eat to much of the bad kinds most of the time. I hope that you can overcome your sugar addiction sometime soon.

Thanks for your kind words. Yeah, I don't know. I've learnt to expect the unexpected from many people to be honest. I really just don't get why your friend would suddenly begin to say such things. Maybe she is just trying to protect your feelings by warning you about how people don't like fat people, that it is not her sentiments but she thinks she knows how people think. But, that being said, that is a little worrying though, sometimes when people say you should watch out for other people because they think this and that, then it's usually the case that that person themselves has that stuff running around in their head. It's a tough call, I think let's give your friend the benefit of the doubt for now.

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Thanks for your candor. I agree, I'm sure that's why she told me what she did. It was just a silly assumption on her part. She is afraid of gaining weight too, so she might be projecting her insecurities on me. She didn't want to go out to eat as much since she gained 8lbs. due to what she thinks is menopause.

She looks thin and I can't even tell that she gained any weight. When I was the same weight as her, I looked bigger than her. She has a small build. Lucky her. She is not a rude person at all, but next time she does mention my weight, I'll let her know to not do it again gently but firmly.

Exactly! Remember, you don't have to "accept" anybody's projections. EVER!

As somebody who used to be severely overweight because I used to eat a lot to deal with depression, I can understand how you feel. Even though she's from a different culture and might not understand how you feel, that doesn't mean that you have to tolerate it.

I wouldn't let anything that she said bother you. Best of wishes