Would you be friends with a fat person or not?

There is something really wrong with this "good friend" of yours. She has some severe self-esteem issues of her own. She wants you to feel very grateful to her for accepting you, like she is doing you a big favor by accepting you.

You have two good options for handling this. One is for you to dump her as a friend. Another, which I think is even better, is to just tell her to knock it off. Just flat out tell her to stop, when she starts this kind of talk. Tell her to either stop or leave your presence. Say, "You're talking crap and I have no time or interest to listen to it." You'll shock her because she wants you to be insecure. That way she can feel she has power over you. She wants that power because she is insecure. Come right out and say, "I'm just fine exactly the way I am."

That's very true!

Your 'friend' is definitely NOT a nice person.

She doesn't deserve your time or attention.

This is so mean.

Sure I've been jealous of my thin friends on ocassion, but they've never made me feel like they are embarassed to be around me.

One of my best friends on this earth is a very, very large lady. (I doubt you're as big.) And I just love her to pieces. I feel lucky to have her friendship.

=======================================
OMG, your sisters friend sounds like a real witch! I wonder what would happen if one of her friends got fat. She sounds like she'd drop them right away. What if she got fat? Then maybe she'd regret ever saying that! I used to be considered attractive and thin by most people aside from my very critical mother, but I never really cared about attracting other attractive people.

I only cared about if I could get along with them, and if they were decent and trustworthy people that I could count on to be there for me most of the time. Not all fat people are lazy. There are plenty of thin or average sized people who are lazy out there. Being fat has a lot to do with genetics and having a slow metabolism most of the time. I could exercise all day and be on the strictest diet on the planet, but I'll never be a healthy size 0. Nor do I want to be. I'd be happy at being a size 6 now!

--------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure if that's the case or not. If I knew that it was, she'd not be my friend for sure. I have more self esteem and self worth than that! I did tell her to not mention my weight again as it bothers me. I don't think that she meant it to be mean, or to have power over me. I just think it was a silly assumption on her part, and also partially based on her own insecurities about how women are perceived based on their weight.

I honestly don't think it was meant to hurt me like I said. Thanks for your input though. Since I made things clear to her, she has been respectful of my feelings- Sometimes people just have a tendency to put their foot in their mouths. I know that I do at times, so I try to cut other people some slack as no one is perfect all the time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
She's lucky to have a nice friend like you. I guess that here in the U.S, and especially in Europe and Asia (I'd be considered really huge in comparison to most of the stick thin women there), that women who are between a size 12-14 are considered to be heavy.

A plus size starts at size 12 here. And that is the size that I usually am most of the time. Even my thin to average size friends think that they are a bit heavy at a size 8! It's crazy to how the media warps our minds! I hate to say this, but I hate being this size!

When you've been called fat to your face by men, and more indirectly by women, and your husband thinks that you're not as attractive anymore, etc....it's hard to feel good about yourself and your body. Also, my critical mom doesn't help matters either. Anyone who's ever been made fun of for their size will be able to understand how I feel. It's no right, but it is what it is. Some people are just shallow and judgemental aholes for sure.

Oh, and it doesn't help that my parents have made endless comments about how I need to loose weight too! OK, this is going a bit off topic, but OMG, I yelled at them for that so many times, that they have barely mentioned a thing about my weight now except for my mom. She has recently been on a fat rampage lately by sending me unsolicited advice about dieting. So I blocked her, lol! And to think that she's heavy too. I guess I might start nagging her back to see how she likes it if she doesn't shut the hell up about it.

I used to have a "friend" like raindropvampire is describing--except I think she felt I upped her property value by putting more attention onto her. To be fair, she was incredibly pretty. I'm not a hag, but I was outright ignored when we were together. I was too naive to figure out that she'd only hang out with me by ourselves and only in inconspicuous places. She ended up marrying the lead singer of a very prominent Christian rock band (she "forgot" her birth control, thus getting pregnant with their first baby). She was a horrid girl. But pretty, so no one minded.

Anyway, I have always had body image issues. I think some people are jerks and judge a book by its cover, but most aren't. In the case mentioned in the OP, I think it's cultural. When I was in my early 20's, I worked with some Eastern Europeans who would always tell me, "You have such a pretty face! Big eyes! But *tsk* way too fat!" It stung so much, especially since I was still in the throes of an eating disorder at the time. I wish I looked now like I did back then, back when they thought I was "too fat!" I am 5'10", and was about a US size 14/L--and solid, because I was a runner. I'm now an 18/2XL. I judge myself harshly, but I don't think most others do.

Shy Introvert

My cat agrees!

My closest friend is more than twice my weight and I love her dearly. She a good friend, that is what matters to me.

I know of at least three people she's "dumped" because they gained weight. All three it was pregnancy weight that they were having trouble losing. P believes that's an excuse lazy people use because she's had three kids and is still a size 2. She is pretty much an all around horrible human. I knew she was going to be a pill when she was 12 and announced that she knew what she wanted to be when she grew up...a trophy wife All you have to do is be hot and make some rich guy look good and they pay for everything. And she did indeed grow up to be what she wanted too bad she's just an abhorrent person.

I still don't get how my friend turned out so nice when with the exception of her grandma all the women in her family are like this.

Why on earth would a person refuse to befriend another simply due to their physical appearance? That doesn't make any sense.
On your friend, there are two possibilities:
The first, and less troubling, is that she is simply very blunt. Perhaps in her mind, pointing out that your tummy pokes out in dress is alright because she would want someone to tell her if ever she were in the same predicament. Maybe she doesn't realize how bothered you are by it. Or maybe she just doesn't think before she speaks. As a blunt person, there have been many a time when I've said things that, in retrospect, the other person had reason to be miffed at. After an elderly man-a very, very elderly man-told me to "have a nice life", I responded "You too, or at least what's left of it." Now I realize that isn't something you say to people, but at the time, I assumed his age was more obvious to him than it was to me and I had no problem saying it. And that is but one of many examples.

The second is that she is a bad friend, plain and simple. Constantly pointing out your flaws even knowing how much it bothers you when she does so indicates she is attempting to keep you at a lowered state. Does she nitpick at how you do things and how you dress as well? Is she quick to point out every teensy little flaw? Do you leave her feeling as though your self-confidence has been crushed into powder?

My advice would be to-if you've not already-talk to her about how these comments make you feel. If she is simply very blunt, she will, upon learning how her habitual critiquing has troubled you, stop. If, after telling her, she continues her judgmental behavior, it may be best to go your separate ways.
I understand that is hard for people to do, due to the fact that people form emotional attachments to each other, so I do hope this does not have to happen. Unless you think it best.
It is rather vexing when a person points out a flaw which you are already clearly aware of. The next time a rude person calls you "fat" look down upon yourself as though you are seeing your body for the very first time, slowly lift your head and, with an expression of pure horror, look into his eyes and scream.

I find it so extremely sad and pathetic that people cannot be loved, respected and adored for who they are, that society is just too stupid to see beyond the outside appearance of a person.

This is why judgment day will happen. This is why it is inevitable. People just insist on being stupid, so they must be "corrected", they leave God and the universe no other choice but to ultimately cut down their enormous egos.

I guess most people just gotta learn the hard way.

With friends like that, who needs enemies? I'd tell her... People are happy to be friends with every kind of person except MEAN people.

Why wouldn't I? Of course I would be friends.

I'm the only skinny b!tch my age that I know besides my cousin, which means I would have NOOOOO friends if I answered "no" to your question.

WTF has dress size got to do with the price of eggs anyway???

I'm a petite and when I was super skinny I was put down by older people (both male and female). Not that all older people are the same, but I've heard "mean" comments on my looks by people who were born and raised under different, older, thinking patterns and either didn't care to educate themselves out of such limited thinking or were being mean because my looks somehow offended the way they saw the world.

I wonder if, in their mind, they were like "Oh boy, I bet Popuri didn't notice she is X and Y, I'd better let her know she won't get away with that in this world", or something.

It's hard enough to find good people who make good friends. So yes, I would have an overweight/fat/obese person as my friend. I have no issues with appearances.

On the flip side, if you do have problems with having friends who aren't skinny, maybe you should look in the mirror. My guess is that you are the not so good person who would be a not so great friend.

I think she's probably projecting her own insecurity onto you. Maybe....being from another culture she thinks she is trying to help and comes off as crude and uncaring. Idk .
But I would definitely let her know that those comments are hurtful and unappreciated. Then go from there.

LOL Classic South African saying!

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, she truly is an awful person! It's a wonder to how anyone would even be her friend in the first place! Were they the same way, or to stupid to realize how awful she really is? I hope that one day she'll gain a ton of weight and see how it feels like to be shunned and ridiculed. One day she'll grow old and not be as attractive to her husband. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he eventually dumps her shallow *** to go after a younger and hotter girl sooner or later.

She could get plastic surgery, but it can only do so much for so long. Do you think that she might have an eating disorder, or is she just lucky to naturally be that thin? Do you think that your friend might've been adopted by any chance? LOL!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------'
To answer your question, just read what the person who posted before you wrote about this one woman she knows. She dumped a few friends for gaining weight and not being able to loose it after they got pregnant. She was able to, so she just assumed that they're lazy. Plus, it sounds as if she only wants to surround herself with attractive and slender people so that her social "stock" or "value" doesn't get lowered.

There are a lot of shallow people out there! Anyways, my friend isn't the most blunt person there is. She mostly told me that since I think that she was being helpful in pointing out something that she would want me to point out to her as you stated. She wasn't mean about things at all. I already told her how this makes me feel, so she hasn't mentioned my weight in awhile. She actually hesitates to tell me the truth at times. She usually struggles a little to be honest with me as she is one of those people who don't like to offend other people. She will be honest with me if I ask her to be though.

She is a very nice and polite person. I just think that she wasn't really aware of how her comments could come across to me when she made those rare comments. And for the record, she only brought up the reason of why some people would not want to be friends with me is because I asked her directly on the phone if I'm doing or saying anything wrong that I'm not aware of that I can improve on. I wanted an honest answer, so I got one. I do appreciate her honesty even though it was kind of shocking to hear that. I guess that appearance does matter more than we think it does to some people, even if those people are just friends which is weird!

Firstly, I tend to read the initial post and provide dubious advice or prattle on uselessly before reading all of the helpful answers provided by other forum-members. I don't want to be influenced by their compassion, practicality, or intelligence when writing.
Secondly, people caring so much about appearance still makes no sense to me. Especially if, as you said, they are "just friends". If anything, a shallow person should prefer the company of ugly people. Surely they would enjoy looking the most attractive by comparison, even if this is only true in their minds.