Temper Issues :(

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now. In the beginning, he was extremely eager to get into a relationship with me. My family and friends really liked him as he was very social and polite. He was also very generous and quick to devote his free time to me. He told me he loved me pretty quickly and since then we've been together. He's wonderful with children, compassionate towards others, friendly and considerate. I've found that we tend to think alike. Not to mention he is extremely handsome. However, he has some deep insecurity issues. On top of that, he has a horrible temper. The first time I experienced his anger was when we were having a few drinks at his friends. He is in the military (but has never been deployed) and had recently missed a deadline at work. His Sgt demanded an essay on the importance of punctuality and I ended up writing it for him (voluntarily). That night while we were out, his Sgt approached me in secret and said something along the lines of "did you help him write his paper? It didn't sound like him." I said no and later brought it up to my boyfriend in secret. He hushed me rudely and I got offended. We went inside to talk about it and as we were discussing it his Sgt walked by. When he passed, my boyfriend whispered "shut the f*** up!" I was stunned. As the night progressed we ended up in the bathroom and I confronted him about his disrespect and that I didn't admit to writing the paper. He thought we might be overheard by someone so he leaned into my face and repeated "shut the f*** shut the f*** up SHUT THE F*** UP!" and I got so mad I called my mom to come pick me up. The next day he was obviously contrite and wrote me "I'm so sorry...I don't know what came over me; I'm not that type of person." So after a lot of convincing I relented and forgave him. But the temper issued didn't end there, obviously.
We've had so many good times...we lived together for six months, have made many trips together, and built routines. He's done so many sweet things for me. I have no doubt that he loves me. He went out of his way to extend his term in the state we were living just so we could build a relationship before I considered moving away with him. However, I have been accused several times of checking out other men. Questioned on whether or not I will stay faithful to him. Interrogated about certain male friends in my life. And when we fight...it escalates almost every time. I'm not innocent...I've retaliated and said some cruel things before. However, he gets so petty and antagonizes me (he's almost 25). He tends to say things like "get the f*** out of here! I'm sick of your sh**!" or "bye! Deuces!" Incredibly immature. And not to mention disrespectful. He likes to mutter things when I turn to walk away, further aggravating the situation. I suppose I have tried to see the good in him more than the bad and that is why we are still together. We recently drove across the country together because he got stationed somewhere else. We spent 30 days in his home town and I met his huge family. He has 7 siblings. But even after leaving my family behind and embarking on this move for him, he still questioned my loyalty. Accused me of checking out "muscular" guys. Ignored me for a whole day because he thought I had a wandering eye. Cussing me out a few times. Throughout our relationship I've gathered that his older brother used to make him fight other kids, he used to be scrawny, his ex cheated on him and they fought constantly. Now he's so quick to get flustered, takes on this surly demeanor, and jumps to conclusions.
He is a good guy. No doubt about it. He has deep issues that I somehow seem to trigger. I honestly just don't know what to do. I moved across the country for him and I want to overcome these issues but I don't know if it's possible. I reassure him all the time and try to diffuse the situation when we fight...but he's just so quick to turn everything into a battle I feel powerless. It seems to be black and white most of the time. We get along great and have similar interests but then his temper surfaces and it all seems to go away. I'm getting this off of my chest because my future literally depends on whether or not I want to continue this relationship...if not, I will have to move elsewhere. Any advice?

The patterns that are already there, don't sound promising for sustainable companionship. Already sounds disrespectful towards you, based upon what's written. Of course, it does take two willing people to desire changing the poor relationship habits that have started. Are either of you in individual or couples counseling? That could help form better communication behaviors.

Welcome to PC

The jealousy you're describing is not just going to go away. Are you really OK having a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't trust you after more than a year together?

If it hasn't even improved a little after all this time, I doubt it ever will.


They say that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.


So in essence, you have an insanely jealous bf who's disrespectful and doesn't trust you.


Whether that's because of issues or because he's just like that is actually irrelevant.


The question is can you accept this as your reality for the rest of your life?


Ps. He sounds like my ex, who actually turned out to be abusive after a few years. Although even my asshole ex didn't swear at me.

Ok maybe if that just the two of you and you are ok with this then whatever.
But do not bring children in to this. Please do not. He sounds a bit like my father minus constant profanity. It is very bad place for kids to grow up, it does them no good.

He is distrustful, jealous, very very rude, disrespectful and very angry. Plus he takes you for granted. Similar interests and getting along isn't good enough. You can have friends for that

. And that's what after less than a year when one is still on the best behavior. If this is his best behavior I am scared to think what is to come

Think of this long and hard please



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It sounds like your bf is suffering from past traumas and unfortunately you are getting the brunt of it. His sergeant knows what is going on. He could tell.

I am concerned for your safety. I cannot advise you but am deeply moved by the story you tell. When I face a situation like this I go inside and get in touch with my inner self. It might tell you to go away or face it. No one can tell you what is the lesson here for you.

If you need someone to listen, feel free to private message, but what I always do to protect my anonymity is to log out when I are through with your Psych Central session so no one can peer into your private anonymous life here at Psych Central. For me it is a refuge.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central quinn!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. Have you had a sit down talk with your boyfriend about this just to make sure he's aware of his behavior and how hurtful it is for you? I'm not defending him but I can see how a previous girlfriend cheating on him could cause insecurities on his part but he also needs to deal with those emotions and not take them out on you. Aggressive behaviors like that are never acceptable. You've admitted to some yourself. Someone has already mentioned couples therapy which sounds like a good idea. I wish you both the best. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

If he is willing to go to counseling/anger management, he might change. Might. Otherwise, he won't.

If you marry him as he is now, he will get worse. Quite possibly, much worse.

Thank you all for your advice. And I was pretty upset while writing this post, so please excuse all the typos xD He and I have discussed his insecurity issues several times. I believe they're so deeply embedded that no matter how I try to reassure him, they will always remain. And his temper issues don't seem to be improving...practically everything gets turned into a spat even if it's minor. I have suggested couple's counseling, but our schedules were so conflicting before we moved that it didn't seem feasible. He says he wants to work through his issues with me by his side to support him...but with no changes in behavior it seems as though he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Annnddd plot twist, he's getting deployed in less than two weeks :\ We haven't even been here long enough to establish ourselves and I have not had any luck with finding a job thus far (it's merely been a week). So, basically, I feel compelled to go home with my family. My brother is about to have a baby and I was going to fly home for that anyways. It sucks that I came all the way out here just to turn around and drive 3 days back, but I don't know what I'd do without my family's support in this situation.

I don't know guys...obviously I'm going to have a lot of time to think while he's gone. This is gonna hurt >_< Marriage isn't even crossing my mind, considering all the issues we have. I honestly feel as though I can't relax; he can turn at any second. There are two distinct sides to him...he is so inconsistent. Also, it feels as though there's a wall between us. He's so afraid I'm going to betray him and I'm so afraid that he's going to act like a jerk that we can't openly express our love for each other.

I know the answer seems obvious; it's just so hard. Especially after moving all this way.

(((((quinn45)))))

I'm sorry this has been so hard.

I'd just like to comment on the idea of couples counseling. I think that what is needed here is individual counseling. Obviously he won't be getting that while deployed. But if you are still discussing things with him when he comes back, my advice is to insist on individual counseling for him. His behavior and his insecurity are the elephants in the room that need to be addressed. By suggesting that the main thing is a couples issue, one diverts attention and effort from where it is really needed.

It's cut and dry, and I can tell by your posts that you are well aware of it. He is showing all the signs of an eventual abuser. It's only a matter of time before it gets physical. My ex husband was just like him. It just escalated with time, and I'm glad I managed to get out before he seriously hurt or killed me. Some people have issues that just can't be fixed. This guy you are with is extremely inmature, and doesn't seem to know how to communicate or have a healthy relationship. Which is sad, but red flags are popping up everywhere when I read your post. My advice is to get out NOW.

I wouldn't worry about him being insecur or discussing it with him. This guy is abuser. The first time he said to a woman "shut the f.... Up" should be the last time.

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It does stink that after such a big upheaval, he's being deployed and you'll head home. Going back to be close to your support system will be much less isolating, for you. I presume that you'll be in waiting status for him, while he's deployed? It's a good grace of time, to try counseling on your own, self help, group support and reenergize yourself with a favorite hobby and spend quality time with family and friends, where time spent with them doesn't dwell on him, a therapist and support group is a great place to dump your feelings about him and any revelations you come to. Journaling also helps.
If you aren't feeding into his negativity, with newfound skills, it'll better help you find peace about your own decisions and emotions where he is concerned.

quinn-

Is your bf on any medication? I find that Adderrall has made me have a very loud temper at times. Just wondering.

Peace, Yooper88

You two aren't married. I don't judge that at all but you are under no obligation to move around the country or quit your jobs or wAit for him etc you don't have any kind of duty to do any of it. Including writing essays for him.

I don't agree with putting more resources in to support groups or counseling how to deal with abuser. Like it's your problem. Much cheaper and way productive is to just go live your life. You and others make it sound as you are military wife. You aren't. I would count my blessings and move on.

I had to add that no you aren't triggering anything. It's not about you.


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I agree with divine1966, you are under no obligation to wait for this guy who sounds like he has a lot of issues to deal with. Like someone said, the FIRST time any guy said shut the F up, I would be gone. That is abusive and shows his true character. You are young, you WILL find someone else. Big hug.