because my husband is such a good man. we all have faults, me more than most. but he is trying oh so hard to be affectionate and caring. but i just dont feel it - does that make sense?
he never approaches me and i know sex isnt everything but i want to feel close to him and it never happens unless i start something. i dont want to throw 19 years down the drain. i have so much going on and i feel so *******ed lonely all the time even when there is a house full. is this married life? i'm disillusioned and sad and tired of it all. oh god i'm sorry i'm such an old grinch at the moment truly i am. i feel like the grinch - lonely and pathetic and sad.someone will ban me from this site soon for moaning so *******ed much. sorry.

[bebop]

jinny I do know where you are coming from! I finally just don't think about it too much anymore. but I know that longing so well of laying next to the one I love and wanting/needing that closeness. feel free to pm anytime.

sweetie, i know where you're coming from..........i'm here.....xoxoxo pat

[SeptemberMorn]

Jinny, I don't know what your Dx is but if you're depressed, no doubt you've shut down all your emotions, too. You can't shut one down and leave the others intact. They all shut down.

Hope things get better for you. {{{{{{{{{{Jinny}}}}}}}}}}}}

i think i know what you are saying that people who are depressed go off sex. maybe it's the closeness i need, the affection. i went off sex when i had my 2 children for quite a while, but now i feel i need it more, maybe because of the closeness, affection thing, idk. all i know is i'm sad and feel lonely and even though my husband is trying he does it in a joky way because that's the way he deals with it. i would just like him to come up behind me and give me a cuddle sometimes you know? maybe i expect too much.

jin

[Direction]

I don't think coming up behind you for a hug or cuddle is too much to expect...

Have you discussed this with him...

Too much to expect is for him to know that is what you want...Sounds like he is not really sure what to do. I good candid conversation when you are feeling up to it would probably help a bit in this area...

No need to throw 19 years away especially if he is a good man. Sometimes we need some direction though. I seldom initiated intimacy because I wasn't sure if she'd be up for it and I feared the rejection.

Another thought would be to have some kind of sign or look that will be code for what you are looking for. Of course you need to discuss the "code" or "codes" so he doesn't miss it...

[bebop]

good point direction
it sucks that ppl just cant get it and know what to do but thank goodness its us all
we all need DIRECTION at times... (lol) sorry that was way lame...
but we do tell him jin
so he knows its ok with u
and whos to say u just cant go up and cuddle him

[MadKitty]

u sound so like me .... i have been married for 4yrs, known my husband for 3yrs before we got married...

we live past each other, when we talk, its me doing the talking and him listening and being all nice for 2 weeks or so, then back to his old self...sitting and talking to his parents, him infront of his PC, never talks to me, never spends time with...i am lonely i really am. and i am scared that if someone shows any interest at all - i will do something about....

i think thats why i crave attention from others.

(((((((((madkitty and jinny)))))))))))

ur both so brave to be married..
im so scared of that commitment

i do go up to him lots for a cuddle, he is always the one who pulls away first. that's when i feel rejected, sometimes i just like to hug, and be for a while. it's like he just wants his space all the time. heis getting better though.

ty for all your support. love you all.

[Direction]

I use to pull away - it was my own issues about feeling I could allow someone in...

do you still feel that way direction? i wish i could understand if someone lovews their partner why they feel so uneasy cuddling.

id love to understand.

kerry xoxoxoxo

(((((((jinny))))))))

[Direction]

Yes, I still feel that way sometimes...I'm not really sure why? I know that it was a serious issue for my marriage. When I was seeking treatment I realized how much I just wanted to be hugged. When I asked my wife if when she came to visit if she could give me a hug - I kind of got a blank look. Because I pulled away in the past - she was basically telling me too late now.

I didn't want to feel dependant on her (I think). I don't know if it is has to do with the fact that I fidget a lot. Does your husband always bounce a leg or have something in his hands? Anyway, hugs felt so confining - I needed to be moving.

Sad now...one of the things I want most is a hug from someone who accepts me.

Not sure that will help you - but thinking about it has given me a chance to look at this in me.

maybe because i wanted so much affection in the past and didn't get it, maybe that's why i feel his hugs are empty now, idk. i'm sending you a warm and caring hug now, i know its not wuite the same, but i hope you feel it through the cyber airways.
pm me anytime direction you have been a great help to me.

love jinny xoxoxoxo

[seeker1950]

Jinny,
I can empathize totally, since my marriage of 20 years was like that from the honeymoon onward! I'm ashamed to admit it, but that was the situation in which I found myself.

I found myself not loving my husband from very early in the marriage, realizing what a mistake I had made, but because we had a daughter within two years, I stayed till she left for college, at which time I moved out also! Never regretted it for a minute afterwards.

I'm not suggesting that you should consider such a move yourself, but I do know how it makes you feel...wanting intimacy and closeness when there is none there!

Love,
Patty

((((((((((((seeker))))))))))))

thankyou. i do love him dont get me wrong, but i feel the more time goeson i know i can never changethe fact he doesnt show his feelings and its not fair of me to ask him to change.i'm just very needy, hard to live with someone like me i suppose. but i dont want to be another divorce statistic, i dont quit, or try not to. we have been togethr for 19 years in september, it's a lot to throw away.

we'll just have to see. take care, love kerry(jinny)xxxx

[seeker1950]

Jinny...
Since you love him, it's a totally different situation than I was in for 20 long, uinhappy years. Early on, as we rode to work together with the radio on, I heard and identified with Paul Simon's song, "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover," "just step out the back, Jack!" thininking to myself...I should do that!
I just posted in the General forum about "Decision-making," and how hard it has been for me over the years.
It's hard to know what to do, or how to handle when you're so unhappy.
Sending positive thoughts!
Love
Patty

[Direction]

Part of marraige is change...understanding how to show your love in a way your spouse needs is essential for a marriage to survive. Too bad I didn't learn that earlier...

There are so many things I regret not doing. Part of which is knowing how to love my wife in a way she wanted to be loved.

Sharing the poem, sharing how you want to be cuddled, sharing what you like is not asking him to change. If it is done in a non-threating way...eventually he may be able to love you in the way you want.

i hope so direction. we have been through our ups and downs enough, he knows me inside out, i sometimes feel i dont know him at all.
he has been slightly more affectionate, but i feel it's a chore for him and he does it when he remembers rather than just impulsively. its a shame, because i could just go up and give him my affection on a whim when i look at him sometimes, but its getting to the stage where i stop myself cos i dont think he wants me to. it hurts. but tonight i'm not going to get down about it cos i've had the best day and night in months.
still feel wide awake lol. its strange seeing everyone drunk, funny, i only had a wine spritzer which i made last, god knows how lol. usually i'm the one singing up the stairs and annoyinjg my teens lmao, it was tony tonight hee hee.

kerry xoxoxoxo

[Direction]

Just a thought if both of you pull back because each of you think the other doesn't want affection, etc. - I sense that the gap between what you want and what you get may grow bigger and bigger.

I would say if you feel it do it..

((((((((((((((direction)))))))))))))))

he knows i love hugs and cuddles but never instigates them

kerry xxxxx

[Direction]

I know Kerry...you admitted though that you also wanted to give him a hug and pulled back.

I've been there...I just don't want the gap to widen any more for you two...

I still stand by what I said - if you feel like you want to hug him then do so...At least this slows the gap from growing and may build a bridge that can be widen more and more...