No trust no faith in any intimate relationships and friendships.

I'm intimidating and confrontational a lot in my, I won't start drama or even make a notion of my true emotions. I sometimes be passive aggressive and mainly assertive, but I keep to myself because I don't care.

I feel something today put a lot of real perspective on this. I think it feels good to tell people off when it's appropriate when you know you're not in the wrong and you know they aren't worth your time and energy that you have enough self confidence you are better than them.

I am saying this, because I have a lot of good things where I now got a second job, but it still remains. I'll always be single, because I choose it. I don't like sharing to some things, I like space. I hate this gross stuff guys do and girls do that is soooo messed up to me.

I feel people damaged my trust so much it's more sabotaged me in wanting me to work for a relationship at some points, because I look it this way. You say you are and I like you or not. If not, I won't be afraid to tell you off or even hurt your feelings I feel treaded on.

I do be mindful case by case basis, but there are situations you just have to be blunt no matter how hurtful it is. I can't deal with this crap anymore. I don't look for people, almost everyone grosses me out. I really feel relationships lost all it's luster and feel just gross.

Like it's like it all feels so superficial the whole thing most of the time, not just the people I'm around it's like it's indoctrinated most people just ******** that they took it seriously, but really are hypocrites drop when waves get rocky or one person does when they find something better.

I just don't get why people don't just casually hang out and not go into a relationship. Why do I have to go all or nothing attitude. That what grosses me out.

I couldn't believe today a 14 year old is talking about getting weed from her bf and having sex with him being explicit. Acting like shes' cool and people who do that no matter what age, but especially kids at her age beyond make me mad. They are the reason why I hate people who are ignorant.

I like smarts, I get turned off faster to someone who says something stupid, but isn't a nice person nor learns from their mistakes. I just don't tolerate it. I think it's why I feel I can't trust one person. They can't clean up their own room or their own self why would I feel I would rely on them for anything. You think their be more adults who are independent and efficient, but I know realistically they are in my boat too and are trying to better themselves like I am which is ok, but I think that's what got me.

I'll never promise people things I won't keep. I stopped that since high school 4 years ago.

I wish one day some woman would let me give me a chance to trust her or someone. I don't watch their phones I don't care what they do. They should be an adult and act like one, not play silly games.

That's what I brought up to my therapist. I don't like that, but I'm so glad I'm so straight forward and not get so blinded by looks or lack of character because she looks good.

That in turn I'm glad it offends some girls I'm glad it puts the ones I don't want to attract away, because you don't care so why should I.

I'm not mean, I just tell them the truth and not afraid. I was like that to authority figures too growing up. It's a thing I've done, because I felt injustice so badly from being accused in a wrong when I was the victim and all these people who say they are their for you including family drop like flies and give up on you.

That's why I don't trust one damn human. No one gave me chances growing up when I suffered why should I try to do something that's unrealistic.

When I meet a girl I like, I make no expectations. I don't force myself on them. I keep my comments to myself, unless they did something that out right offended me, but if they feel they need to call me out. I'm going to listen not fight it or talk back and I've done that it works fine.

It's just I won't say, "I will always be there for you etc." I will say it like this, "I'll be there when I can, but I can only do my best."

Yeah.

I agree so many people aren't worth giving any time or energy to; and yeah, it feels good to say what you feel sometimes.

Re trust - I find I can trust people in some areas and not in others. To trust anyone completely 100%, idk about that, very rare. Fact is, people let others down. I got to take different people at different levels.

Maybe you should go for older women

I'm sorry so are you also saying that because you suffered so should anyone else who is being left to feel as if they are being unjustified? Since you struggled then those who are in the same boat as you don't deserve your help if they were open to it?

I get why you don't like a few people, heck I was bullied growing up myself. Then again I was from a small town when if you have anything different about you... back in the 90's! We had maybe 4-5 black kids in the school system and I'm not trying to so racist but that was how it was *I was maybe picked on more than they were*. So for a small town white girl who just had a hard time connecting with anyone because of her ADD I was kicked out of classes because teachers didn't want to have to take the extra time for me. I was actually beat up a few times by some boys who thought it was funny. I would have kid invite me to a part giving me the wrong date, place and time and whenever I made friends their friends went out of their way to get the friend to not like me.

So, I don't know what race you are (don't care what race you are) it's people like us who should be trying to change all this. People who felt as if they were totally always getting beat down on to step in and try and help someone else in what use to be our shoes. (Hey I'm sorry if I missed a point here, really I am but I just wanted to say. We are at one point in our life's have people who beat down on us. We can one stand up in the right way and try to change it or give these people another reason to say "this is way you are treated like that".)

well yeah, if you've been hurt and wrongly blamed enough times as in my case from infancy it sure makes it hard to trust

Found another who has the same problem of mine man we should chat.

Ivan not as emotional anymore with things that bother me I hesitate opening up what's wrong because of being always used to being scorned and told off if I don't feel anything else but happy. I was a rape victim for 6 years I'm white and where I grew up was in the sticks, but it was a heavily drug area. I grew up my whole life being publicly humiliated for being a victim because my perpetrators parents lied to cover his story and made me look like the bad guy and I was 6 years old at the time and it started repeatedly from I was 3 till I was 6. Then from other people. I'm not going to explain everything else because I've covered it before.

When someone is nice or likes me. I usually deflect all the time taking it personally and fake the best I can showing I'm grateful and happy but I won't make my emotions known to scare people away.

I'm just always skeptical. Ik like you said bot trusting someone a 100%. Well what bothers me. I don't want my mom to die because she's the very last normalcy I have left.

I really am alone. I really never had friends now that stayed with me. Ik many drift apart, but it feels I never had a chance for anything fulfilling. It felt so empty now how every kind of relationship I've had for over 10 years to 2 years all fell apart. Like I was second bff or the side friend not someone they mainly wanted to see. It's really enforced the fact. No matter how many friends I have it's never going to make things better. I just am convinced years and years people only want something from me and I'm not as important because I don't have or want to give something. My presence isn't enough my parents always pushed me away and it felt mt whole life I'm not ever good enough.

****. Many days I'd rather like today what I do is ignore everyone. I'm a very likable person from other people's opinions usually, but in my head I'm only doing that to distance others. I am more distant than most people ik.

Ok in a bit.

I think the whole time I've been on here your response is the most relevant. I used to live in a small town then in the hood for along time.

One friend ik I still trust more than most told me that before too or men lol. It reminded me of her.

Exactly. It took a very long time of being conditioned to keep everyone at a safe distance for me even though I had little choice.

Can I ask you... are you happy with the person you are today? I'm happy with who I became and sadly if it wasn't for the crap we had to put up with, who would we be today?

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Honestly. I feel indifferent. Like yes I am happy of the progress whatever it has been, but still since early on and all my life. I've been more ready to be dead as in I'm not happy with no matter what I have no matter if I am successful or not. It's really made a lasting impression how cruel things have been. I don't like saying this to my friends or anyone because it is too personal and difficult to go on with life given no chances forcing to make anything better, but everything has been taking all I have and it feels. I got my mom to lose and life wont feel like a working end goal. It is not an attitude thing I assure you I am very positive. I just deep down been so hurt I really want nothing more to move on.
It's a unique type of loneliness and forced upon isolation you feel crippled to connect to anyone. It's more like I know once I get to most likely 20 more years. It's not a good place no matter how much money success friends I'll have. I didn't get what I needed it's not a matter of letting this yearning go. It's surviving long enough to one day get it, but ik when it's time. I'll be not letting anyone know when I do end my life.

It's stuck with me for so long. I wish I will get what I deserved if not in that time I will not live my aging self to anymore years of this. I will choose to die in peace where I feel the happiest and keep it quiet. Go out like I came in.
It's a great question because I font plan on it anytime soon, but I crave it just to cling on hope I will have what I missed or not feel or experience anything.

Idk what the future holds, but for these 18 years of suffering and soon 22 years of my life you don't want more than a hug someone to hear you the world to know the atrocities to make a change, because I currently and still lack the means to change the world positively.

Never more I want more is to be 4 years old riding with my dad in his old truck through the woods and watch anime and cling on to my mom my grandma and living everything like this nightmare never happened.

It's not just ptsd depression psychosis whatever you give me. No treatment or anything from myself has changed the fact. I am not a victim just being not given anything I needed when needed. It's always been like that and it will continue that's how this world is. You have to experience to know. One day I used to hope people see and give me nothing but love, but that day feels like a dream that one moment is unnoticed and always I can't tell you how many days I wished. I could relive the first 4 years of my life and cling on to everyone I've lost.

I don't have a family, and my friends have not felt friendly. Rather it's like I've been a victim to a lie that my life has been and I'm wanting to see how far this train wreck goes. Being beaten and expected to take it feeling like no one will help you. I had been who I am since ever. Nothing has relieved me. I can't express how much it pains me that my mom is it. After that silence of indifferent people. When I cry or feel hurt or lonely no one will make me feel whole anymore. It's not worth it. How hard is it to explain. I didn't ask for this I choose to change things, but it's done little effort and I hold on to that feeling and when she is gone.
People assume the worst wont want anything to do with me, when people don't like sad people or loners or outcasts and I will if I have to end it.

I'm hungry more than hungry. I'm sick of being told I'm not the only one. People don't know a damn thing nothing compares. Instead of me sitting around i did from self help and going to accomplish anything good after that. I feel I don't need to grow old and reflect I'll die in peace because I don't want to experience the hell my grandma went through and having no one to be there for me.

I can say this no one can tell me I shouldn't have this like I don't deserve this. I talk about this with my therapist and they always tell me I need specialized help. Not hospitals none of that something anything that will heal the parts easier instead of me doing all the work with no fruition and it's like I'm dying slowly everytime I turn a year older.

Please I wish people knew. I wanted to give people what I never could achieve and I wish I could have my mom when I die I want her here with me. I never feel safe like they weren't around when I needed them and please I only wished I was loved what I needed.

Sorry. I hope this helps.

This isn't perceived. It's really happening. Please don't assume it isn't. I wish everyone knew.

I'm not the type to assume that it's some perceiving of how things are. I know how it can feel as growing up I had no friends. I would make them but get stabbed in the back a lot. I never went to parties, never got invited! After high school I went with anyone who wanted to be friends only the have the same happen or I was getting used and I stupidly let it happen.

I've moved around a lot and don't have many friends but the ones I do have barely talk to me. Mainly because I'm back to living in the U.S. and they are from England. Now, I've lived in the same place for almost 7 years and don't really have anyone I could call a true friend. Nobody that I knew outside of work and the only one I did know passed away a year ago. Some of my extended family lives here but I hardly see them. My dad passed away when I was 15 and I barely get along with my siblings but we do when around my mom.

My life is different I know but I'm 36 and do find it hard to make and keep friends. I hate fake people! I can't stand them nor could I even begin to try and keep up with them.

I do have a very shy but loving BF. We don't have money nor do we really live away from his parents but we have each other. I didn't have a nice relationship till the age of 32! I married at 22 a Englishman who had many issues but the biggest issues he had was a depression and drinking. The drinking I use to use excuses that England's drinking lifestyle was different then the U.S. and now I realized that was wrong. He had a problem and one I couldn't fix unless he wanted to. I didn't want to change him I just jumped into a marriage because I wanted to. Nor do I want to change this about my life.

What does the world owe me?

Nothing, nothing that I can't work to find on my own! Money? Yes that would be nice but if that might losing my BF forget it. I mean my life has been my own making since leaving my home.

Do I deserve anything?

I don't honestly know! All I know if life sucks at times but you just have to keep going. You don't know what life holds in store.

BTW, I do really think maybe you need to find a different group of people. Lots of people are fairly open about who they are but don't let their guard down right away.

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Sorry, was trying to be helpful but think I shot wide of that

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Yesterday got messed up last night. Sorry.

It's ok, I'm trying to work on keeping somethings ambiguous on here. I don't know if any of my family members are on here and know that they wouldn't be happy with me for airing out our closet. I'm only allowed to air my own closet out LOL

Have you thought about trying maybe a group therapy type thing? I don't know anthing about how it is in Cincinnati as I'm near C-bus. I myself finding it hard to connect with other ADD/ADHD as I'm not so far off as the others that I have met in person. It's sad really as some of the other ADDers that I have met who are way off to the other side of it than I scare me. I'm not as hyperactive as some can be and those who I have met I can't keep up with. Plus, they don't have as good as control over what comes out of their mouths and well yeah. It was hard being friends and scared about what they might say at work about who I was outside of work. I'm not saying I was fake at work I was just not wanting others to know that I would goto bars on my own and more than once a week. Plus, they would word it wrong and would sound as if I went out drinking every night.

BTW, nothing wrong with drinking, I still do it myself but I don't drink to get drunk. I do it socially and because I enjoy my life here an there.

There isn't any in the area anymore. I live in northern ky but cincinnati area where I am from, but yeah it's not looking like I'll get help anymore. Also I may not have friends anymore either. I don't see anyone whether I want to.

I just work. I can't go to school or work to achieve anything yet except save money to move. I drink socially too it's cool I don't judge.

I have very poor insurance atm basically none because they don't pay anything for me, except my parents. If something bad happened to me. I'll be in debt.

I'm on Medicaid, we as a couple are really on the poor side. The family has some money which we somewhat benefit from when it come to trips. We pay them back but we get to go on nice trips but can't ask for much. We are lucky to pay my own bills

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I'm with Mr. Pillow and I'm scared I hit my head and no one knows why. I don't know where I'm at and got really scared.