[MikeNessMonster]

Hi all,

Im so confused.

My boyfriend ans I have been together for over two years, and currently live together. He is almost twenty years older than I, and has two children. I fell in love with him very quickly after I met him as we just clicked on an extremely deep level. He is everything I could ever want in a man... we share moral values, spiritual beleifs, are both artists, and our personalities are so similar sometimes I feel like we are one and the same. In the begining of our relationship he was in good shape, loved his life and was very energetic and positive. We have become so close we have planned a move across the country together and to get married.

This man is my best friend. But he has suffered from unresolved emotiona abuse from his step dad and has never resolved it. He can go from his authentic self which is the most supportive and loving person into a complete monster if he gets triggered. He has had abusive outbursts from the start of our relationship, but I always understood why this was happening and that he was genuinely remorseful for his behavior and that it was a remnant of his own abuse, although I never condoned it or accepted it as okay. Ive taken him to counseling with me several times in hopes thag he would see how hurtful it is to me and start his own counseling, but he hasnt. I know that he feels awful about having these outbursts of anger toward me, but they havent gone away and have gotten worse. The last two times it happened, I was so upset I spent the day after feeling suicidal and lost. I cant accept this behavior anymore as it is.becoming dangerous to my health. The biggest problem is that he doesnt even remember the things he says to me, and doesnt want me to tell him because he says he feels too guilty. He thinks that a quick apology is enough to make things better. Its really like putting a bandaid on a stab wound.

My other issue is that when his son comes over to visit on the weekends, he plays the fun dad and doesnt set rules or boundaries. His son rules the house and it drives me crazy! His son is hyperactive ane obnoxious, and im always expected to spend time with him and if I dont, my boyfriend gets resentful and will make comments in front of his son. He has disrespected me several times in front of his son, but I never speak up because Im afraid I will set him off in front of his son who already has emotional issues. I hate the weekends when he comes over and I feel trapped and powerless. My boyfriend doesnt know how to parent and I want nothing to do with it. ive never told my boyfriend how I feel about it because Im too afraid.

Ive come to realize how large these problems are. Even though there are many good things about my boyfriend and we have a spiritual connection, these issues are so big. Ive been thinking a lot lately, and I feel so lost. My boyfriend used to make me feel so alive, so protected, and so at home and safe. I feel emotionally cast off, like I dont have a best friend or a home anymore. I want to salvage the relationship ane I know I have to tell him all of this and set boundaries.

Would you stay in a relationship with a man if you were in love with his authentic self, but he was able to express this authentic self to you less and less?

[~Christina]

Is he willing to get into Therapy and start working on the problems he is having?

Personally if a person wasn't willing to work hard to resolve stuff that has a direct effect on the relationship.. Then I would bow out and move on..

Loving someone doesn't guarantee that a relationship is healthy and means you should stay.

Have you talked about the tough stuff .. Do you want children? If so he also wanting one or more ?

If his outburst are causing you to feel suicidal , Well that is very serious. What does your Therapist have to say about his actions triggering thoughts of suicide in you?

You have many red flags in this relationship.. If you had a friend in this kind of situation what would you tell he/she?

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Is he willing to get into Therapy and start working on the problems he is having?

Personally if a person wasn't willing to work hard to resolve stuff that has a direct effect on the relationship.. Then I would bow out and move on..

Loving someone doesn't guarantee that a relationship is healthy and means you should stay.

Have you talked about the tough stuff .. Do you want children? If so he also wanting one or more ?

If his outburst are causing you to feel suicidal , Well that is very serious. What does your Therapist have to say about his actions triggering thoughts of suicide in you?

You have many red flags in this relationship.. If you had a friend in this kind of situation what would you tell he/she?

I had an appointment set up for us to go in together yesterday which he said he would go to, but backed out at the last minute because he said he was tol tired from work and emotionally not ready. He promised to go with me next week. Im going to address the emotional outbursts first and then the issue with his son he is oblivious to. I never thought it would be like this. I cant picture my life without him, but i see now how blind Ive been. i just read back through all my psych central posts from years ago ranting about the same issues and being hurt and lost. Maybe my relationship hasnt been as good as I thought. Im feeling very resentful right now.

Just this morning I tried to snuggle him before he left for work and he told me to stol touching him. The last thing he said to me was that he hated his job. Ugh!!

[Cat_Lover_58]

I'm sorry things are tough for you right now! I agree that he should be willing to go to therapy if it's important for him to save the relationship. Sometimes I have to reread past threads of mine to realize I've had the answer all along.

Hugs...Cat

[IceCreamKid]

I am not sure where you got the concept of 'authentic self' but his disrespectful behavior and rages are a part of his self. Since he has seen no need to go into counseling, I'm guessing his behavior will continue.

I see so many posts similar to yours -- from men and women. The person says he or she is so in love with someone and how wonderful this person is and how many positive qualities the person has -- except for the cheating, beating, and relationship-defeating behaviors. Many try to excuse their lovers: "Oh, that [behavior] is not him." Sure it is.

I think what you and many others are in love with are the fine qualities or attributes that your lover has or had. But the reality is this person has a lot of negative behavior, too. The fact that even though you are distressed he sees no need to treat you better--that isn't a fine quality.

Some people chase others who model the same abusive behavior they grew up with. I did this. I don't now.

I'd like for you to discuss this with your therapist and lay out what you have here about your lover.

I'd like everyone else in this situation to realize that if they value artistic talent, or a fine figure or big blue eyes or charm or hard workers--lots of people with those qualities and attributes are out there and it behooves you, for your own health to choose a person with the qualities you admire who also does not have relationship destroying bad habits and attitudes.

I hope this helps.

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I am not sure where you got the concept of 'authentic self' but his disrespectful behavior and rages are a part of his self. Since he has seen no need to go into counseling, I'm guessing his behavior will continue.

I see so many posts similar to yours -- from men and women. The person says he or she is so in love with someone and how wonderful this person is and how many positive qualities the person has -- except for the cheating, beating, and relationship-defeating behaviors. Many try to excuse their lovers: "Oh, that [behavior] is not him." Sure it is.

I think what you and many others are in love with are the fine qualities or attributes that your lover has or had. But the reality is this person has a lot of negative behavior, too. The fact that even though you are distressed he sees no need to treat you better--that isn't a fine quality.

Some people chase others who model the same abusive behavior they grew up with. I did this. I don't now.

I'd like for you to discuss this with your therapist and lay out what you have here about your lover.

I'd like everyone else in this situation to realize that if they value artistic talent, or a fine figure or big blue eyes or charm or hard workers--lots of people with those qualities and attributes are out there and it behooves you, for your own health to choose a person with the qualities you admire who also does not have relationship destroying bad habits and attitudes.

I hope this helps.

Well said!

My two cents to original post: you already have the answers you seek. You deserve better! ((((Hugs))))))

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
I am not sure where you got the concept of 'authentic self' but his disrespectful behavior and rages are a part of his self. Since he has seen no need to go into counseling, I'm guessing his behavior will continue.

Love it, straight talking, and so true. This 'real self' 'false self' stuff really irritates me.

Some people chase others who model the same abusive behavior they grew up with. I did this. I don't now.
Me too.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by MikeNessMonster

Hi all,

Im so confused.

My boyfriend ans I have been together for over two years, and currently live together. He is almost twenty years older than I, and has two children. I fell in love with him very quickly after I met him as we just clicked on an extremely deep level. He is everything I could ever want in a man... we share moral values, spiritual beleifs, are both artists, and our personalities are so similar sometimes I feel like we are one and the same. In the begining of our relationship he was in good shape, loved his life and was very energetic and positive. We have become so close we have planned a move across the country together and to get married.

This man is my best friend. But he has suffered from unresolved emotiona abuse from his step dad and has never resolved it. He can go from his authentic self which is the most supportive and loving person into a complete monster if he gets triggered. He has had abusive outbursts from the start of our relationship, but I always understood why this was happening and that he was genuinely remorseful for his behavior and that it was a remnant of his own abuse, although I never condoned it or accepted it as okay. Ive taken him to counseling with me several times in hopes thag he would see how hurtful it is to me and start his own counseling, but he hasnt. I know that he feels awful about having these outbursts of anger toward me, but they havent gone away and have gotten worse. The last two times it happened, I was so upset I spent the day after feeling suicidal and lost. I cant accept this behavior anymore as it is.becoming dangerous to my health. The biggest problem is that he doesnt even remember the things he says to me, and doesnt want me to tell him because he says he feels too guilty. He thinks that a quick apology is enough to make things better. Its really like putting a bandaid on a stab wound.

My other issue is that when his son comes over to visit on the weekends, he plays the fun dad and doesnt set rules or boundaries. His son rules the house and it drives me crazy! His son is hyperactive ane obnoxious, and im always expected to spend time with him and if I dont, my boyfriend gets resentful and will make comments in front of his son. He has disrespected me several times in front of his son, but I never speak up because Im afraid I will set him off in front of his son who already has emotional issues. I hate the weekends when he comes over and I feel trapped and powerless. My boyfriend doesnt know how to parent and I want nothing to do with it. ive never told my boyfriend how I feel about it because Im too afraid.

Ive come to realize how large these problems are. Even though there are many good things about my boyfriend and we have a spiritual connection, these issues are so big. Ive been thinking a lot lately, and I feel so lost. My boyfriend used to make me feel so alive, so protected, and so at home and safe. I feel emotionally cast off, like I dont have a best friend or a home anymore. I want to salvage the relationship ane I know I have to tell him all of this and set boundaries.

Would you stay in a relationship with a man if you were in love with his authentic self, but he was able to express this authentic self to you less and less?

First of all, there is a huge flag to me and it's more about YOU at the moment. "The last two times it happened, I was so upset I spent the day after feeling suicidal and lost" -- This implies that you are losing YOURSELF in this relationship.

He is everything I could ever want in a man -- This man is not a "whole" person. You love the "shell" of the man. It is unlikely that you have seen his "authentic" self at all, just the face he puts on for the world. The inner man is hurting and dysfunctional. He is unable to be the kind of parent he needs to be likely because he didn't have good models for parenting nor does he have the life skills/social skills necessary to be a good partner.

You are really identifying and seeing the real him after two years. It's not that he's changed from a caring/supportive partner, he's just reverting to and/or letting more of his real dysfunctional self come forward. Some people can and do wear a facade for quite sometime for someone they love, but at some point for whatever triggering events/situations that occur, they are unable to maintain it. This is who he is until he wants/seeks/accepts help. It will be a long process and very trying for you. These are the kinds of things that should affect the decision to marry someone and the reason for managing emotions and expectations for a relationship for quite a long time.

If I were you, I would tell him that he needs to seek help and demonstrate a resolve for embracing the help before you would consider marrying him or even living with him. Focus on your needs and not relying on him as much will allow you to find yourself again. You'll need to do that for yourself if you want to be a good partner on any level. You cannot be there for him or support him if you are "broken". Take care of yourself first. (On an airplane, if the oxygen masks drop, the adults put the masks on themselves first.)

[divine1966]

Abuse never gets better. It always gets worse.

I have hard time understanding how is he everything you ever wanted when he is pretty much horrible? Unless that is what you wanted.

No judgement here as I wasted some years on wrong men too. Think about what you want and take care of yourself and please do not marry this man

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[freakarien]

Set boundaries. You have to.

If he can't respect your boundaries, or at least try to compromise or discuss it, then he's not putting in any of the effort: YOU'RE doing all the work, and that's not how relationships work.

I'd be prepared to leave if you had to. Good luck

[MikeNessMonster]

So I just woke up from this nightmare and I feel that its worth posting about.

My boyfriend and I were back when we first fell in love, and he found out he had late stage lung cancer. I was devastated, knowing that he was probably going to die and that I was going to lose my partner and was absolutely helpless. In my dream I was going through all the painful feelings I have now about the possible end of our relationship. Just completely devastated and feeling as though I was losing my best friend.

Next, Im in an airport terminal getting ready to board a plane. Im sobbing because my boyfriend has passed away. I have an overwhelming feeling of being alone. There's a group of people staring at me, and a young man approaches me to help me get on the plane. He hugs me and says "Im so sorry, we all know what happened."

Flash forward, and Im with my ex boyfriend from high school and college (I had a very long relationship with him and eventually broke it off, but I thought I would marry him for years before the relationship went downhill). He was much older, and we were still in love as if we had indeed spent our lives together. He tells me he has cancer and is going to die... and Im feeling the same things I did in the first part of the dream... and then I wake up.

I know this dream is very symbolic, what do you think of it?

[hannabee]

Your over whelming feeling of being ALONE seems ,to me anyway, to be the driving factor in your life. You may need to look back to your childhood to figure out why you feel the need to keep "unhealthy" men in your life. Twenty years older is too old, IMHO. You are looking for a father figure and not picking a suitable companion.
I don't believe is "soul mates" or spiritual connections. I just don't. You deserve so much better, PLEASE realize that and get out of this relationship. Big hug and good luck.

[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by hannabee

Your over whelming feeling of being ALONE seems ,to me anyway, to be the driving factor in your life. You may need to look back to your childhood to figure out why you feel the need to keep "unhealthy" men in your life. Twenty years older is too old, IMHO. You are looking for a father figure and not picking a suitable companion.
I don't believe is "soul mates" or spiritual connections. I just don't. You deserve so much better, PLEASE realize that and get out of this relationship. Big hug and good luck.

i do feel alone right now because ive been too afraid to express my feelings to my boyfriend without being in a therapy session together, and he skipped out on thw last one he promised to go to. So Im literally stuffing my feelings down right now and he has NO IDEA what Im feeling or how severe the situation is.

I do believe in spiritual connections. Why is it that we can click and feel like we could grow old together, and then feel so alienated at others? I dont know what it is, I feel like Ive known him forever. Im not just trying to make excuses for him, but he is a very good person despite his emotional issues he fails to deal with. He knows what he is doing is wrong. I know he is remorseful to the point of hating himself for his emotional outbursts, but he ignores his issues because he isnt strong enough to deal with them. Which is a never ending cycle of stuff down the hurt until you blow up, then accumulate more hurt because youve now hurt your loved one. I suppose it is a flaw on my part for wanting to be the person he can help himself finally to be with. I would like to think I mean enough to him that he would find the power within himself to start to work on his issues, but i cant make him want to. I have to at least make sure he understands what it is I need and expect from him and if he cant do it it wont matter how much we love each other. Its all just very sad.

I have an issue where i feel like I.would be abandoning him. His other relationships have failed probably because of his verbal abuse and i dont want him to end up alone its so heartbreaking to imagine because I love this man and see all of his good and worthly qualities and want him to be happy. ive tried so hard. I dont know.

Sorry but the more i read the more excuses i see for your enabling of this manchild. YOU cannot be responsible for his happiness, outbursts whatever and the only person that can fix him is HIM. Get out before he destroys you more. YOU need to worry and care for YOU. I think you're afraid to be on your own. Maybe theres a financial side to it as well. Idk. Idk you or him. I am reading excuse after excuse for a mans bad behaviour a man old enough to know better. Sorry for being harsh.

[divine1966]

I still have hard time understanding how you can say he is this wonderful boyfriend and some kind of spiritual connection and what not when what you described is pretty darn awful!

If that's good in your books I am afraid to think what you consider to be bad relationship!

You are probably afraid to be alone and find all kind of excuses to stay with a man who makes you feel suicidal. I suggest you seek therapy but for yourself. You need to figure out why you not only stay with abusive boyfriend but find excuses for him.




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[MikeNessMonster]

Originally Posted by Shawkat2009

Sorry but the more i read the more excuses i see for your enabling of this manchild. YOU cannot be responsible for his happiness, outbursts whatever and the only person that can fix him is HIM. Get out before he destroys you more. YOU need to worry and care for YOU. I think you're afraid to be on your own. Maybe theres a financial side to it as well. Idk. Idk you or him. I am reading excuse after excuse for a mans bad behaviour a man old enough to know better. Sorry for being harsh.

Im not afraid to be on my own, im afraid to leave and feel the regret of "I just left a man I love and my best friend". I also am completely broke and suffering from a chronic illness. It would be extremely difficult to leave our apartment in my financial situation although I know there are ways of doing so if need be.

I left an abusive alcoholic man and i had no job and no money and a 13 year boy i was 39 and recoving from a suicide attempt. Excuses! You have chosen this path and are unwilling to listen to any advise. Im out of this good luck with your life.

[divine1966]

How is someone who is being abusive can be called your best friend???? Well if you are staying with him for financial reasons then what are you really asking us? What can we advice? I don't believe in staying with abusive man, or in fact any man, for money. But that's your life.

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[Narcokleptic]

Hes just dragging you down and its super unhealthy, i believe you shoukd sit him down express how you feel and deliver an ultimatum and leave the ball in his court and see if he truly stands by his change. If he truly loves you and is your best friend the change wil show and be consistent and never forget although venting to others is therapeutic communication is everything with your partner

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by MikeNessMonster

So I just woke up from this nightmare and I feel that its worth posting about.

My boyfriend and I were back when we first fell in love, and he found out he had late stage lung cancer. I was devastated, knowing that he was probably going to die and that I was going to lose my partner and was absolutely helpless. In my dream I was going through all the painful feelings I have now about the possible end of our relationship. Just completely devastated and feeling as though I was losing my best friend.

Next, Im in an airport terminal getting ready to board a plane. Im sobbing because my boyfriend has passed away. I have an overwhelming feeling of being alone. There's a group of people staring at me, and a young man approaches me to help me get on the plane. He hugs me and says "Im so sorry, we all know what happened."

Flash forward, and Im with my ex boyfriend from high school and college (I had a very long relationship with him and eventually broke it off, but I thought I would marry him for years before the relationship went downhill). He was much older, and we were still in love as if we had indeed spent our lives together. He tells me he has cancer and is going to die... and Im feeling the same things I did in the first part of the dream... and then I wake up.

I know this dream is very symbolic, what do you think of it?

I am leaning toward the possibility that his passing may be something of a relief for you more than it is about fear of being alone. The decision of having to end things with him will have been "made for you" by his passing . . .

The fact that an airport is involved and you are flying -- suggests FREEDOM.

There's a group of people staring at me, and a young man approaches me to help me get on the plane. He hugs me and says "Im so sorry, we all know what happened." -- The fact that there are people who are "there" for you, is telling you you wouldn't be alone. In fact, there is a man who hugs you . . . perhaps the man you could/should really be with -- a young man approaches me to help me get on the plane. He hugs me.

You cannot be in love with the man you are with now, you are "in love" with and need a relationship right now. It's not the man, it's the "relationship". I don't care how physically debilitated you are, you can make it without him and will likely have a better chance of managing even physically if the mental abuse is removed. Find out what resources are available to you and use them.