Possible to date as a male with severe mental illness

How possible is it- as a male- to find a long-term, mutually supportive, happy and healthy and non-codependent/caretaker relationship while being diagnosed with a severe mental illness such as Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, etc.?

I personally have Bipolar II Disorder, and I find that my paranoia/fear of disclosing creates this aura of tension and vigilance that sabotages my relationships. It often works out well in the beginning, but the fear of being "found out" and thrown away for being mentally ill takes over and makes me super guarded myself and very afraid of being abandoned so I become hyper vigilant, paranoid and jealous. There were times I disclosed and pretty much never heard from the person again or was given the whole "not ready for a relationship/getting over my ex/not you, it's me" schpiel.

Come to think of it, as a male you're physically stronger than a woman and society different expectations for you. It's conceivable that women see mentally ill men as not just poor dating options but dangerous choices. Being stabilized on medication and with therapy is fundamental, but the real possibility of losing your **** one day due to medication tolerance or stress overload is enough to make you a bad dating prospect. Not to mention, my personal feeling is that I'd make a terrible, inconsistent father as a result of my Bipolar Disorder and I'd pass on genes to children who didn't ask for it. It seems easier for mentally ill women because there will always be a guy "man enough" to take care of them, but there won't be a woman that'll do the same, after all women have a biological purpose to protect and rear children, and a husband is ideally not someone you'd have to protect or care for as you would a child.

On a personal note, I've seen many couples where the man was mentally ill and they've broken apart due to the fact that dealing with chronic and severe mental illness is a drain on a partner and people deserve happiness and fulfillment in relationships, not the burden of caring for someone who has a condition that makes life hell.

If you read evolutionary psychology, it becomes super depressing after a while.

Thoughts?

I think that it's possible but much more difficult. I think the best two options to go about seeking a partner if you have a mental illness is to either be open about it before you start dating or seek somebody that has a mental illness as well.

Also, I think learning and adapting to triggers, changes in mood, needs, or finding a balance especially when things become draining for the partner are paramount for a successful relationship when it comes to those with mental illness.

Personally, I refuse to let anybody who isn't either accepting and knowledgeable about mental illnesses or who has one themselves anywhere near my inner circle of friends let alone in a relationship with me. I also carefully screen potential friends or partners by examining their personality, how open minded they are, and how they feel about people or mental illness and if they don't pass my trials with flying colors, they get kicked out of my life.

When I first met my husband, he was very upfront with telling me that he eas bipolar and had ADD.

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Is there a mutuality in having a disorder, or are you a non?

I have depression.

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But with available women outnumbering available men, statistics are on your side.

Okay so may I ask you a question?

Was it his personality, his outer attributes (job, etc), his looks, or was it where you were at at the time that made you overlook bipolar disorder when he first said it to you? Were you educated on mental illness at that time, specifically bipolar disorder? And were you experienced/older or fairly young?

Sorry for the barrage. I have found that the less people know about it "oh, I'm bipolar, too- and my sister, she's like, SO bipolar", the more they are forgiving. And age is a big factor too. For instance, a 20-21 year old would be more forgiving of mental illness in a guy than a 26-28 year old who is looking to marry and have kids. What are your thoughts?

Statistics schmatistics. Before the invention of monogamy, available women gravitated toward tribal leaders and wealthy merchants. Anyone who could afford it had hundreds of wives. The majority of men were celebate and sexually frustrated, and used as cannon fodder. That is the natural state of things; I don't think biology has changed much. Of course back then, the handful of mentally ill who weren't killed were considered "shamans" and "medicine men" so they had that angle to work with. Imagine what you could do if people thought you can convince the gods to bring about a healthy harvest. Chiefs would give you a pick of their prettiest wives if it meant the tribe wouldn't have their heads lol. Anyway most of these available women that outnumber us men tend to gravitate toward what they see as suitable partners, like back in the day, until their clocks start ticking.

1. I spent a long time getting to know my husband before we got together, so him telling me about his dx didn't surprise me too much, just explained certain things a bit more.

2. I have a bachelors degree I psych, have an invested interest in "abnormal psych", have worked with individuals with psych disorders (comorbid with intellectual disabilities) as well as a sister with a similar Dx.

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Makes sense.

That's what I've surmised as well in my experience. Let people come to trust you and love the side of you that shines despite the illness. Then they can look past it because they have an incentive to. Also, growing up with someone who is mentally ill gives a wisdom that most don't have.

Having grown up with a mentally-ill but medically-untreated parent, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I think anyone subject to rages should give serious, serious thought before having children.

Still, having a mental illness should not immediately prevent someone from developing a relationship; and I am an optimist in thinking that treatments for illnesses will get better and better. I think you already have the right idea to let people get to know you; then for the ones you are interested in having a closer relationship you can share the knowledge that you have an illness.

My wife used to say yes it is possible, now she is silent on the subject.

Anyone know of any males with personality disorder traits having successful relationships?

I know people with BP. As long as they take care of it by following whatever treatment they need then it is ok. Same as depression or anxiety, if they do their part I am ok dating them.
To all honesty I would probably not date people with schizophrenia, am not sure of BPD.

My BF has severe OCD ( has to be medicated), GAD, ADD and Tourette's. None bothers me, just a bit of adjustment. He does his part to keep it in check. It doesn't effect his personality or moods, just some behaviors that I can deal with.

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I can't speak for myself as I have my own lost of acronyms, so my bf's depression and stuff doesn't get to me anymore.


I'd like to think that I would have dated a man with MH problems if I had happened to turn out neurotypical though. Because I'm very loyal and non judgmental.


However, I have a friend who has a very similar list of acronyms, except he suffers from severe manic episodes and his neurotypical gf accepted him as is.


So from what I've seen, it is possible, its even probable, if you put yourself out there.

D. Trump?

LOL ^

I think a lot of it depend on the individual and whether they are stable.

I think more men are apt to accept the bipolar "crazy" girl because they think she is wild and fun.

Okay, I mean men with such traits that aren't world-famous gazillionaires. And narcissism is pretty accepted in our society. In fact for that very reason the DSM-V was supposed to get rid of it.

I don't know what the struggle is with your diagnoses but I have my own diagnoses and the way I force into intensive treatment beyond the therapy walls gave me reason to experience and know how intrusive and cruel people can be. No choice but to have sabotaged relationships on the backs of them the T because all they had to do was to tell what the deal was if I had no choice. That being said, it is totally up to you how you handle this. I'm like you can meet someone with undiagnosed mental issues and still be in the same boat. If you had a lot of experiences with relationships going sour and so now your experiences has shaped your fears on the subject then find individuals with the same diagnoses if you can. I mean I'm sorry this is totally a problem for people like us. It is pretty much nothing you can do about it. Good Luck

I do think there is a double standard, perhaps for a reason. I have a physical illness, and am in the same boat. I know that there are many good marriages where the woman has a disability, but there seems to be fewer with a disabled man. This doesn't mean we can't try, and I think we should, but in my judgement I do not believe we can expect to be treated equally. I think most men would be willing to protect and care for their wife. Personally, I would find a lot of satisfaction and meaning in that. It seems that many women resent a husand who needs the same support, even if its not his fault, and he truly does his best.

My boyfriend and I both have bipolar 1. We met several years ago at a local bipolar support group. We are very happy. Good luck xo

I think its very very possible , , you have to find a partner who is very understanding , not judge mental , its very possible to have loving relationships��

It is possible but only if both partners actively participate in counseling both as individuals and as a couple. The non-affected partner will need counseling to understand the illness and be given coping skilks to manage their own responses and the affects of the behaviors of their partner. It's not easy but it can get easier. You would need to find a woman who is very, strong, secure, independent and patient. All the best.

It's interesting that people are saying more men will take care of a woman with mental illness than the other way around. Maybe in advance when selecting a mare that's true I don't know. However, statistics show that when a major illness or disability occurs after a couple is married it is the man who is more likely to bolt. Women are after all historically caregivers.

I think it's important that people take care of their illness ( Meds therapy etc ) If they don't, no one needs to stick around by obligation

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I think it's just as hard for women. I'm fairly new to the dating scene after many years and am having a difficult time as well. The last 2 bfs that I have dated seriously, since I broke-up with my fiancé (I was with him for 7 yrs), couldn't handle my "impulsive" nature and "brilliant energy" (actually quoted). Everything started out well, until things eventually got serious and I started to relax. The more I let down my guard, (after sharing my dx with them.), the more I stopped being on my "best behavior"- maybe I did this to test them.. Who knows?
I generally feel that I lack some essential "mother/wife" gene, since my ADHD tends to tap into my "male" energy. I feel that I also lack the soothing and nurturing nature that so many men seek from their female counterparts. It would drive my past bfs crazy, when I would tap into my "anxious energy" (another quote from a former bf.). Knowing that they felt this way would frustrate me, since I can't "just relax". The high energy that initially drew them to me, warded them off in the end. Unfortunately, there is not too much that I can do about it, except practicing more mindfulness and maintaining awareness of my actions. This is basically just who I am. I've tried to overcompensate for my deficiencies in the past, but it would just come across as completely inauthentic. I just hated the fact that my behavior comes across as thoughtless at times (I also lack the ability to naturally anticipate one's needs)..
I' especially feel that men my age (around 40) are seeking women who are more together and emotionally grounded. It seems to me that women tend to be more open, in terms of being in a relationship with a partner who has a chronic illness (metal or physical). I hate to sound cliche, but women in general seem to have a larger emotional compactly for such things. Not to mention, there is a serous "crazy cat lady" stereotype associated with older women, who suffer from any sort of emotional issue. Ugh!
Regardless of gender, I think that it is important to take a look at the people we seek. Are they emotionally available? One also needs to take an honest look at them self. Am I emotionally available? Am I taking care of myself and focusing on my needs?
Unfortunately, I've come to realize that it would take someone very special to put up with me. Lol! Someone who is willing to take the time to fall in love with me, and who is also willing to work with me. A rare find indeed! Anyway, I just realized that I wrote way more than I intended to...

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