How do I keep going on with him?

My husband is losing grasps on reality. He is always angry in his heart. He blames his actions on how his Dad treated him. He refuses to get help. He has started destroying things and now I don't feel so safe. We have been together 20 years and this is the first time I have felt this way. His mind has turned soooo dark. I want to leave , but I have no money, no job, and animals I don't want to give up so that knocks out a shelter. I just feel paralyzed and wanting this emotional torment to end.

Oh my, that does sound like a terrible situation to be in! No family or friends that can help you out? Not much advice here, but a big hug for you and I hope things get better soon!

I can't talk to my family about this, they are not able to offer support and I don't want to make them worry. I have to hide this inside, alone I must carry on. I have no friends, my kids and my husband are all I have.

Just a question, what triggered this? Finding that out might be the best place to start. You said he's saying it's cause of how his dad treated him. I'm guessing that was in his past. I could be wrong. If it was, something that happened more recently has triggered him to bring that back up to the point it's affecting his mood and actions. Might be worth trying to figure out what that trigger was. Maybe once you know what that was, you can then start helping him down the right path of dealing with it.

If you're truly concerned for your safety, you need to find a safe place. Even if it's just temporary. A friend, family, whatever. Take care of you first and foremost.

Hoping it works out!

He has just gradually grown to hating life. It is consuming him. I think his job is part of the trigger, but he does not look for another one. I have tried helping him through this, but this time he has gone to far. I really want to leave him, but I haven't the means to do so.

Well, again, you need to take care of you. There is always a way. It may not be easy or even apparent at the time, but there's always a way. It just depends on the level of your determination to find it. I truly hope you work this out.

Remember one thing in all this, there are always two sides to each story. You may have already done this, but try very hard to see things from his perspective. Maybe that might help. He may be dealing with things you never even considered. That was/is the case with my wife and I. She's seeing things from her side. And I agree, her side has sucked for years with me. I've tried very hard to change and show her I've changed. Part of that change is for me to stop looking at the world from my perspective alone and see it from hers as well. It's hard and sometimes very painful. But it helps. Even if for nothing else but understanding why she does what she does.

I love him whole heatedly, but I have watched over the last few years, his heart darkening. He has told me things that would probably put him away, twisted, evil things. How do I put myself in his shoes. I thought I was his anchor, his reality, but I think it has seeded so deep inside of him that it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge. He REALLY needs help, but he refuses to go because he believes they would lock him up and he would rather take his ultimate route out.

Like I said, I'm just a regular guy. I'm no expert in any of this. So take this for what it is, just my advice. What your saying here would really concern me. Most everyone on this site seems to be here because they're going through a situation that involves a tough decision that would directly affect a person we love or loved at one time. But there are times when we need to make a decision not only for that persons well being, but for our own as well. I'm in a situation like that. And I'm really struggling with it. It's hard. What I'm getting at is, make sure that whatever you do, please take into account both your husbands well being and your own. Do what you can for him. Help him and aid him in any way you can. But, don't cross the line of putting yourself in danger just because it's what you think is best for him. Because chances are it's not what's best for him. Sometimes what's best isn't what we like. It's often what we don't like. But that doesn't change the fact that it's what's best.

Be safe! Know there are folks out there that are genuinely concerned for you, and don't hesitate to reach out for help. I truly hope you find some peace from this sooner rather than later.

I've read numerous accounts of others telling their pdocs that they aren't in such a good place, 'see you next week or two' seems standard. Is he catastrophicizing, perhaps?

If you feel in danger, you need to get out. Don't let excuses be your demise. I wonder what would make him do a 180. But saying his mind turned so dark and that you are afraid. Please call a friend figure it out. Get out and be safe!

Go out and get a job and start making yourself more independent. If nothing else it will be respite from the situation untll you can clear your head and get focused on your needs. Put awAy your money and create the environment for yourself to leave if necessary. You saying you are paralyzed is the same as your husband refusing to get help.

Remember also, if it does get bad, you can call the police & they will take it in their own hands to get him the help he needs whether he's a danger to himself or others & it sounds like that IS THE CASE & just a matter of time until it happens.

Sometimes the best love is tough love....if you really do love him you will do what's best for him even if he's not capable of making that wise decision.

vjdragonfly
you need to think about safety first regardless of what he is going through. doesn't make him a bad guy - just means that you do not know what's ahead & if you will be hurt.

• 20 years of marriage is a long time + job issues + childhood issues. this is his LIFE & suddenly something very wrong is rearing its ugly head ..

• you may have to talk with someone who can advise you properly. Can your Church help you? Or are there support groups nearby?

• try to get active as well - start making friends, hobbies, anything. community centre, Y .. whatever is less costly or FREE .

The break from the ('his') growing 'darkness' will help you to cope a bit better. Being immersed in it ALL the time as it worsens will not help you or your spouse. Walk ...anything. grab a coffee somewhere - the distractions are necessary.

I have no job or $$ either & went through some rough times recently. He's gone now but activity of all kinds helped me. I would have gone out of my mind. I made some friends but 'spoke' online re the personal stuff. There are still depressing times for me but getting out helps, doing something else helps.

Get your social networks going for now- they will be your life line if he is unable to resolve his pain. You need something to take you out of the situation for the good of BOTH of you. 'Distractions'.

On a good note, he hasn't directed blame toward YOU
if an 'episode' is developing, leave him ALONE to give it expression, until he calms down.

I hope you can find a professional to discuss your situation soon. You may have to consider telling the family at some point if you don't.

Thinking of you.

in case you missed the (square) ad Helplines & Lifelines, below
if not relevant, they may be able to direct you somewhere else

> Common Hotline Phone Numbers | Psych Central

Thanks Jake, I am trying to cope the best I can right now. If he keeps it up though, I may have to make the tough decision.

I have applications out everywhere, I was working but the business closed down.

That is what a helpline told me to do. I just don't know if I could do that to him and I know he would hate me forever. I love him soooo much that it hurts. I try to be there for him and let him talk things out with me, but there comes a point that I don't want to hear anymore. I can't handle his demons.

I believe that it's possible to care deeply for someone, despite their inner turmoil. Yet, which part is love and which part is pity/caregiver?
If you just don't think that you can hear anymore of whatever it is of his baggage that he unloads onto you, then would seem you're burnt out on therapy services that you are giving to him as a caregiver?
Fear of him hating you, contradicts that stuck feeling of being unable to get yourself out of the relationship.
Wouldn't he also hate you if you broke up/ended the relationship? What makes this different?

It's truly a rhetorical question.

I recently saw on my former sister in laws fb feed one of those quote styled memes. That when someone tears at another person's character so terribly, that it's a mask for all the awful things they themselves had done.

I left her brother. I'd also experienced going through three restraining order hearings plus one renewal.

I don't honestly want it to be over, I just want him to get some help and I feel like I am enabling him by being here. He was violent this morning, broken glass everywhere, tv demolished. I know what I need to do, I just can't bring myself to do it. My heart is breaking.

Your safety is your priority. Tell him you will be leaving for a period of 30 days. During that time he is to find a thrapist and begin counseling. At the end of the 30 days you will meet in a public place to find out if he has been going to therapy and in a better state of mind.

You need to draw a line. If he is violent, call the police. This has crossed the line of being suppotive to a husband who is struggling with something and putting yourself in danger. If he is mentally ill, you are not qualified or equipped to deal with it anyway.

I'm gonna get on my feet and then it is all over, what he does is on him. I'm not going to blame myself if he takes his own life. I can't do this anymore, one more day is too many.

Thinking of you my dear friend ((((((((((VJ))))))))))