Moving waaaayy fast... and other things

The big thing for me is, how does he respond when you set limits, put the brakes on, tell him you won't be in touch for a few days. Does he overreact, coerce, goad, childe and otherwise disrespect or ignore your boundaries (which don't sound unreasonable, BTW)? I think that is an important litmus test for a relationship.
IMHO, you have the power to take this relationship in any direction you want, but having the boundaries right up front will be very important.

I see a problem with simply not replying rather than politely explaining that you are busy

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I got back to him yesterday. I don't see a problem with not talking to him that long. Just because someone is contacting you a whole bunch does not obligate you to reply. After I got in touch with him again, he seemed to take it well, saying he understood that I had probably been busy (which I was with a full load of classes and part time job).

Only thing is, and I know everyone has smart phones these days so emails can instant - he replied like, immediately. It was late at night (for me) and I had since gone to bed (except now I have woken up and can't get back to sleep). So I hadn't replied back. But that didn't stop him from writing again an hour after sending me the first message.

Because of that I think I will wait longer to get back to him. I probably sounds like a bad thing to do, but it is like when someone is riding my tail-end while driving, makes me want to slow down even more till they get the hint. Nothing against him, I have already told him I don't want to get in touch that often cause of being busy. Which I am.

I understand what you are saying but if you have no interest in regular communication with him it means you keep it casual or taking it slow, which is both very much fine. It just seems unnecessary to me to have sex if you think it's ok not to reply for 8 days. If you want to stay just casual friends with him it is great. I kept it slow with my BF for 3 months. I just suggest don't sleep with him. Also you might want to politely tell him how much communication you want . Giving hints don't usually work

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Are you going to like yourself, in the morning if you string this guy along and allow him to use you as an object?

At this point, I don't care. It's like enough guys have done the one night stand thing that it doesn't even bother me anymore. I'm actually getting used to just having a sexual relationship instead of a romantic one. Too many emotions in the romantic one and this guy seems to have more emotions than me. I'm just closed off from loving and don't know when I will ever be open to it again. Besides, it is pretty empowering not to give a **** when it comes to the whole thing. I don't see it as stringing along, this is the rebound relationship for us both. I've had my heart broken enough and sure it sucks, but if this guy gets his heart broken, he really should have not got so emotionally involved so quickly. I can't be held responsible for how he feels though. We are on date # 3 coming up this weekend. I have no obligations. Don't know where he thinks this is going but I just want to have fun, no relationship, and I should let him know I don't ever want to get married ha. So I will be sure and tell him these things on date #3.

Divine I told him already, he didn't seem to listen so I will have to remind him. I don't even talk to my best friends as much as this guy wants to talk. And we just met 2 weeks ago!!!! Also, won't it be even more confusing if we have already had sex to not keep doing it?

He's your revenge on the world lover. If you can handle it, go for it.

That sounds funny, is it supposed to be funny?. Not sure what it means, though.
But yes, I'm pretty pissed at the world and all that anger has just been stuffed down. Not giving a **** is a nice alternative to caring, and sure it seems like it is a kind of expression of anger also. Like, how due to so much emotion and heartbreak in the past, it is finally like, who cares and no one is ever going to make me care again if I don't want to. And no you will not get me to love you ever. Sorry. All the guys before you ****ed that up. Is it fair to this guy that he is reaping the consequences of all my pent up anger about it all? No. However, if he wants to stick around, I don't know if I should stop him. Although nothing is going to come of it. I won't let it happen.

Yes, it was quippy, with truthful meaning behind it.

I see a real generation gap here. The OP is doing things that are fine in her generation - i used to do them when i was young! I dont think we should judge her or advise her according to what a 50 or 60 year old would do NOW with our decrepit disgusting wrinkly old bodies I say, gather ye rosebuds while you may!

I do believe you would benefit from good therapy. Pent up anger is not good for your health. I don't know what is the benefit of having sex or even spend time with a man you don't like. I don't know why is it confusing to stop seeing someone or stop having sex. You only know him for 2 weeks, not like you are involved for 6 months. He doesn't seem to interested you. Why not stop seeing him?

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I am of the same generation as the OP and I don't think it's a matter of judging. Everyone should feel free to do as they please. However, I don't think having sex THAT soon is very common. Perhaps for some, but its definitely not the norm for our generation.

Well I am in therapy (I happen to like therapy as I learn a lot) when the therapist decides to keep the appointment! I swear, therapists should have to pay the client, or at least get the same consequences as clients, whenever they cancel in less than 24 hours... Had he cancelled at least 24 hours in advance, I would have gotten the message and not drove 30 mins there and 30 mins back all for nothing. Whatever, different thread - goes on the therapy boards. Rant over. (Except that I don't think I'll be seeing him again... My turn to cancel).

As for your comments (which thank you by the way I do appreciate all replies), I guess the benefit is that he really likes me (really seems to a lot anyways) and therefore I get to contribute to another person's happiness. What's in it for me? Well, I get to know someone new and learn about them and their world perspectives, philosophies, etc. And I get out of my loner bubble every now and then when we go out. If I have the say, we won't go out more than once a week. I guess the sex thing, I'm trying to be more like a man about it - not have it mean anything, so there is that. I guess if the sex starts getting good, that could be something that is in it for me alone. Just because I am doing these things, doesn't mean I am leading him on. I once dated a guy 10 months and he dumped me. Was it leading me on? Maybe, who knows, cause I thought I wanted to marry him and start a family with him (this being when I was 20 years old). Due to the seeming immaturity of this guy, maybe his mentality is something like mine was when I was 20 even though he is 31. I mean, hell, I used to consider what it would be like to marry someone, see how their last name fits with my first (still do this out of habit), and imagine what it would be like to have kids with the person, what the kids would be like, etc... I pretty much size up a person about these things even on the first date. However, doesn't mean I actually want to marry the person or anything. Have to take time to get to know them, know where their heart is, and what their values are. Just cause I'm a little turned off to the guy at the moment, who says I shouldn't at least give him a chance if he seems to like me so much. However, their are the intuitive things that if you see right away (clingy, or whatever), you have to deeply consider if you would be okay with this. Cause the person is not going to change no matter how much you think you can change them over time. So there is a little bit of that 'listen to your gut instinct' thing going on - and my gut instinct says no way would I marry this guy. So should I just dump him right now? Is that really the only reason we date a person these days? Or can there be alternatives?

Still don't know what it means though... like the truthful part...

It doesn't sound like there's a connection there at all. I'd say just drop the guy, it's been less than a week. If you aren't feeling it now, you won't, no matter how much time goes by. And you're compromising your own comfort-zone, which is super not cool.

Dropping people can be awkward, I get that, especially if they're the reason. If you want, you can try to do it nicely, like use school as an excuse for not wanting to pursue things.

When I was younger, I always felt pressured into having sex with people immediately, concerned that the other person wouldn't want me unless I offered it. But I realized that got me no where because I was either getting used, I realized the guy was weird/creeper/not for me, or that there was no real connection. So I stopped. When I met husband, I told him I would not sleep with him until I knew we had something, and he completely respected me for it. We took things at a comfortable pace and got to know each other before making a physical connection (so a few weeks, it's not like it took forever, but long enough to know we were interested in each other). We both agreed that we're happy things went the way they did I'm just letting you know that. I'm not saying this works for everyone, but it certainly was our experience.

I'm certainly not in that age range. I was trying to convey that with the OP's new to her person, he's her revenge to the world, which was supported by the OP expressing great hurt by her past relationships. It's not an unusual behavior. So, I said go for it. She recognizes that she doesn't like him, is going to extract physical gratification from this rebound then be done with it.

Well, in a way, I guess that is what I'm beginning to go about doing. (I already gave away my dozen roses though)... I'm trying to teach myself that sex and whatnot are just not that big of a deal. I'm 32 years old. Despite being a Christian, the whole waiting for sex before marriage thing didn't happen. Everyone is a sinner and doing something sinful all the time. So I do keep a confessional and repentant mind with God about it.

That being said, there's another guy I met a couple nights ago who seemed interested and we have started messaging a little. All the more reason I don't want to be exclusive with guy #1. Guy #2 told me about how great he is with sex. It's kind of a turn off to me how he was bragging about it, but what is to stop me from finding out? If I can get over my fears and insecurities about sex (normally I just detach, and using some substance like alcohol definitely helps numb the experience for me), then I could just go about safely having sex with different guys just to see what it is like with the different guys. I wish I could blame it on the manic side of bipolar, but I'm not manic, so.... at this point it's just a curiosity and life experience for me. If I can ease up on the fear and insecurity... and if not, there's always good old alcohol - the trusted social lubricant for centuries past and still going strong today....

I think I ran with a different crowd in high school (the rebellious ones who threw caution to the wind, and the free spirits, etc). This probably shaped what is happening with the whole situation today (like I'm not already married with 3 kids). Most of my friends have settled down and are married or in committed relationships. Many have children as well...

Maybe I'll end up becoming an old shrew, a spinster type, or cat lady... And funny thing is that I'm completely fine with that right now. No commitments and no heartache. It is relationship suicide in a way, and I'm not getting any younger. The fish in the sea are getting fewer and farther between. But I can't make myself do something that I don't want to do (even if it is because of pent up anger and heartbreak). I'm maybe not the best fit for marriage. Honestly, would probably make a better mistress so long as he helped take care of a few financial things with me. Leave the real romantic stuff to the wife, you know?

I don't think it's generational as it is just plain dangerous to have unprotected sex with strangers you just met. It's dangerous at any age.

As about no commitment it is totally fine. As long as other person knows.

Casual sex is ok too as long as people are safe. I guess I just didn't understand the point if you don't like sex and have to detach and use substance to feel numb during sex. I would understand more if you enjoyed it.

Maybe if you do meet a guy you like as a person then it would be different.

Sorry about your bad therapy experience.

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Yeah me too. I wish therapists understood how truly helpful they can be and yet also how important it is for them to be reliable and consistent. Most of us who are in therapy didn't get the reliable/consistent growing up. I know for me, I got a lot of chaos and dysfunction. So the whole thing threw me for a loop. I think had he cancelled at least 24 hours in advance I would have been okay about it, could have prepared myself, etc. I get that things do come up, but now I just don't trust the guy and don't know how much further I want to go with the therapy process. I've only seen him two times. Why open up more to him if he isn't going to help me by way of being unreliable/inconsistent. I guess it is too much to ask to find a male therapist, who is stable, consistent and considerate, empathetic, warm and caring, and who would be able to work with me long enough to work through all the crap I've been dealing with regarding men and my lack of trust/care for them since being hurt, used, abused and whatnot in the past. It seems when I have found this, they just abandon me anyways. Probably because I'm too much to handle or something. Go figure. That is why I need their help.

As for the sex thing, I guess it is unfair to take it off the table if he still wants it. At this point, I really do not care. He is a rebound for me (and I am for him). I like how healing called it - my revenge on the world lover As for relationship? Doesn't work for me if we get intimate too soon.

I do realize I need to be safe. I guess didn't think it through. The last guy didn't even offer to use protection and I didn't say anything. And yet again on the first date... so I decided to not answer his calls and never see him again. This guy I am at least going a little farther with in trying out a date this weekend. That is why he is a rebound. It has been over 3 years since I've been in a relationship since the last one ****ed me up so bad. If I am to ever get in one again, it is going to take a lot of trust. In the meantime, getting out of the loner shell will probably be beneficial to me. So it is selfish and to my benefit. Sorry to be the one to use the guy this time cause 99% of the other times I believe the guy was using me...

Sounds like you're just an object to him. He wants a girlfriend, any girlfriend, probably more to do with himself and something he lacks than actually wanting to live complimentary as a whole person with another whole person. He's just kinda dominating this thing and you love the attention and don't want to lose it, but are also uncomfortable. You are afraid to say it because you don't want to lose what you have and probably due to your inexperience as well... but here you are saying things like "clingy", "freaks me out", "too much too soon"... This doesn't sound like a mutual tango. It sounds like it's all about him, and you have no boundaries nor are you willing to create and enforce any.

This relationship will be on his terms and the day you finally say "STOP. Let me breathe", he will dump you. This is why you have to be discerning on your dates and be able to express yourself.

Plus- you gave him an option to use a condom? You met him shortly before at a bar... This is disastrously foolish! SMFH... Why, because guys like it raw? Guys like it raw in committed relationships with trusted girlfriends who are on the pill, not hook-ups. Don't mess around without condoms... sheesh...

Dang you nailed it! So true. Thanks for your reply. I think we are getting together tonight. Just for a couple good though, but it's it bad to get together and just watch a movie? Might lead to making out might lead to sex. Did last time. But I don't exactly have a lot of money to go out on dates and I like going Dutch to keep my sense of independence. If we have sex again, we are using a ****ing condom this time! can't believe how stupid I was and yes it's cause I thought it felt better for him otherwise he would have wanted to wear one.

On the positive, I'm actually looking forward to seeing him. This is what happens when you space out seeing/talking with each other for me. I don't care if it's a rebound. I too need a rebound

Well at least we used a condom this time. Is it bad if it comes off during? Like could I get pregnant? I wonder if you can take the EC pill 2 times in a month.... Need better condoms now. Sheesh, you might think he would carry some that fit him, you know? Oh well, maybe he wants to be a daddy.

P.S. getting IUD soon. Well, in 2 weeks at least when (if, hopefully) get my period again. They say it is easier to put it in then.

Translation: I just wanted everyone to know he has a massive ****.

LOL j/k

Condom came off? I can't imagine how that happened? Don't know if you can get pregnant or not. At what point did it come off?

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