I detest being ignored.

Thanks. I appreciate your help, but I tried both vocational rehab and job corps where I live. Both options proved inadequate mainly because I already have a degree from a trade school along with two certifications. In fact, I worked an $18 per hour tech support job at Dell and a $15 per hour IT contracting job briefly at different times during my late 10s and early 20s that didn't last long because I can't function dealing with a lot of customers without losing control of myself and saying something stupid or sounding like an idiot. Vocational rehab won't help my immediate short term needs because they instead insist on trying to get me back to school in a different degree and the job corps in my state doesn't have any trade that even remotely interests me.

I'll be fine on my own. I have some other (legal) things that I'm up to that I won't talk about here because they are a bit on the questionable side. I'm not outright scamming people nor am I breaking the law in case you must know so that's all that matters and that's all I will say.

I appreciate your advice though and I can see that you have given me more time than I possible deserve. I simply have to utilize my strengths no matter what they are to get ahead and get the life that was wrongfully denied to me as a child. While there might be others who support me from a distance, ultimately I am alone and I only have myself to count on. No matter what, I WILL endure

Hang in there. It should work out one day. At least if you already have training and certificates it might come handy one day even when you run your own business.

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Your feelings are your feelings. You can't control that. What you do need to think about though is the fact that these people are simply not people you need in your life. Also she has BPD so I feel like I have to hold back sharing my own feelings out of fear that she will push me away -- this is a toxic relationship for you. You don't need people who you feel you cannot share feelings with.

You need to get out more, plain and simple. Start interacting with more people to find some real friends. Oftentimes, someone with your history will seek out and "connect" with people, who themselves, are not quite "whole" people.

Also she has BPD so I feel like I have to hold back sharing my own feelings out of fear that she will push me away -- Back to this one . . . this is a co-dependent relationship for you. You are afraid to share with her out of fear of losing her as a friend. When you stay with a person at the expense of your own needs, that is co-dependency.

I'm sorry your struggling with your best friend. However, cutting yourself off again is not a good idea. You need to keep the lines open.

and rarely comes to see me in person and when he does, he comes at the most random times -- If he shows up at inconvenient times, it's OK to tell him you'd like some notice before he comes over. It's OK to state your needs to a friend. He rarely comes to see you in person -- do you ever specifically invite him for things or do you rely on or expect him to just come there on his own?

You're right, I'm worth it. I have been thinking about this very topic for the latter part of last night. All of my friends that I have who I open up to are damaged to some extent. Everybody who I let in my inner circle has some kind of mental illness or has experienced some kind of trauma that makes it hard for them to make friends, live normal lives, or trust people. I'm starting to see that I seek these kinds of people because I find them easier to relate to and trust and I think that somebody who is damaged like me and doesn't have many friends would cherish and value me more than somebody who is completely healthy and be less likely to abandon me later down the road because I'm like them and I understand them and they wouldn't have anybody else to turn to if they did abandon me.

Also, I have an easier time sharing some of my feelings with my male friends. While I'm not the kind of person who likes to talk about every thing that bothers me or get into deep mushy talks all of the time, I have shared some feelings with my closest male friends. I do talk about the pain that I'm in around them sometimes and I often express resentment towards the mental health system and my family for all of the times they hurt me, but that's the closest to talking about my feelings that I would ever get with a friend. I truly have a much harder time trusting women and my relations with that female BPD friend likely is suffering because of that. I think it's likely me more than her.

Finally, there is a rational explanation as to why I want to change my number. I'm desperate for money right now so I'm considering scavenging all of my more expensive electronics to sell including my smartphone. I need to get my eBay seller account fully established for me to make decent money off my reselling that I'm doing since my old one was banned over something trivial. Since I can't wait another few months or more to build a new account past the 90 day period to be able to sell my products unrestricted, I plan on purchasing a pre built account that already has a selling history so I can make the money that I want now.

Until I fix my own problems and get myself fully established, I'm not going to be friend material for anybody. As a result, I established a 3 week no contact with all but that one friend who actually cares enough to come see me. I need to get myself stable financially now or else my mental state will continue to worsen. If I continue at the rate that I'm going, I will likely do something stupid and hurt myself further; I always do when I'm hurting the most.

Oh and about my best male friend who comes over randomly, I found out his problem. His smartphone broke and he lost the password to his Facebook account a couple months ago so that's why he's so random. He did come by the day after I started this thread, saw that I was feeling bad, and ordered us a pizza and hung out with me until 11PM at night so all is forgiven.

Also, he's probably the healthiest of all my friends. He doesn't talk a lot because he is introverted and likely has a mild form of autism and sometimes he does close himself off for his own reasons, but he's always been the only friend who would go out of his way for me. I can also relate with him because he has suffered abuse from his family as well which makes it easier to open up to him.

I am glad to hear you and your friend had a nice chilled pizza evening.


And really glad to hear his sporadic visits and communication were not due to negligence.


He sounds like a good guy

I am glad the issue with the friend got resolved!

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There are lots of "unhappy" and "weak" people who are also compassionate, generous with their time and open to friendship, but maybe it would be draining to only have those kinds of friends... Isn't it only natural to prefer people who make you feel the best, and ignore the others? Just in the way one will want a romantic relationship with someone who is nice, good-looking and without too much drama.

I'm also at a very low point since about a year back, but have some modest plans for the near future that keep me from losing it. One goal is to reach financial independence which would also boost my self-confidence. Meanwhile, the whole part of life that doesn't have to do with "work" just doesn't seem to exist. I've been looking for some kind of non-committed activity with people near I live just to socialize and get out a bit, but I'm not into sports.

The thing is, it would be nice to have more friends but I probably wouldn't be a good friend myself right now with all the neediness, anxiety and depression. About ten years ago I had a stable income and though my living conditions were much worse then, I still felt good and wanted, and was a lot more social. It's funny how money affects our lives on every level.

Dodgy. I dint think I want to wish you luck but I do wish you health