[OneInBillions]

Hey everyone. Another thread got me thinking. I've always had really high standards when it comes to dating and romance. Throughout my teens I chased after girls who were way out of my league, and always got rejected as a result. I've always been a bigger guy, and was morbidly obese by 16, but I've always been exclusively attracted to skinnier girls. Maybe it's self-loathing or something, I dunno. But from a sexual standpoint bigger women simply disgust me. Don't get me wrong; I've known some very kind, smart and wonderful big women in my life, but I can never see them as potential love interests or partners.

I know it's shallow and reprehensible. I know I focus way too much on appearance when it comes to attraction. And I think it's pretty common these days with portrayals of women in the media, porn, etc. But I cannot change it. It's just the way I am. Now I'm resigned to being a virgin for life because I know that no one I'm interested in will return the feeling.

Is there some psychological term for sky-high standards? Or could it be a symptom of something else? A relationship or personality disorder? All I could find on Google is perfectionism but that doesn't seem quite right. And it doesn't really fit with depression or anxiety, I think, unless it's hatred and disgust for my own obesity.

I really hope this doesn't offend anyone; that's not my intention. I'm just wondering if this is just another part of my broken personality, or something more.

Well, standards are okay. I think it goes horribly wrong when we settle.

But, are you waiting for such a woman to just come along or are you actively pursuing them? So too, in what places are you looking for these women?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

Hey everyone. Another thread got me thinking. I've always had really high standards when it comes to dating and romance. Throughout my teens I chased after girls who were way out of my league, and always got rejected as a result. I've always been a bigger guy, and was morbidly obese by 16, but I've always been exclusively attracted to skinnier girls. Maybe it's self-loathing or something, I dunno. But from a sexual standpoint bigger women simply disgust me. Don't get me wrong; I've known some very kind, smart and wonderful big women in my life, but I can never see them as potential love interests or partners.

I know it's shallow and reprehensible. I know I focus way too much on appearance when it comes to attraction. And I think it's pretty common these days with portrayals of women in the media, porn, etc. But I cannot change it. It's just the way I am. Now I'm resigned to being a virgin for life because I know that no one I'm interested in will return the feeling.

Is there some psychological term for sky-high standards? Or could it be a symptom of something else? A relationship or personality disorder? All I could find on Google is perfectionism but that doesn't seem quite right. And it doesn't really fit with depression or anxiety, I think, unless it's hatred and disgust for my own obesity.

I really hope this doesn't offend anyone; that's not my intention. I'm just wondering if this is just another part of my broken personality, or something more.

High standards are not necessarily the problem, as much as it is a double standard more than anything. You expect and look for women based on a high standard of healthy weight and lifestyle while you yourself do not hold yourself to such standards.

having standards of any kind is not really a "symptom" of anything. It could be an indicator of other issues though. Like being someone that goes after women that in spite of your brain saying they are "out of your league" (which is a myth by the way, although I fall for it too as there is no league or set standard by which certain women pick men.. and they are all individual. what they like and would choose is entirely independent of any "standards" but their own. There is no league) but getting back to my point, going after women you, in your mind, believe strongly will turn you down anyway speaks volumes about a lot of things that might be going on. That is something I would focus on and try to resolve.

Also I come back to this, but if you set such high standards for ladies physically, do you think maybe holding yourself to the same standards might put you in a place where more of them will notice you? Soemthing to think about.

hope this helps.

[divine1966]

I think if you are going for unattainable women you might be subconsciously attracted to unavailable people. People with whom it would not work

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You've suggested to us why these women might be unattainable. I think you should concentrate on what makes you attainable. You may very well be a diamond in the rough.

This whole thing by the way makes me a tad bit uncomfortable.

[scorpiosis37]

I agree with others; it's not about having high standards but having a double standard. If you want to date someone who is physically healthy, then why not put effort into getting physically healthy yourself. This is more than just appearance-- it is about health, self-care, motivation, etc. If you feel it is impossible to move towards becoming a healthy weight (absent a serious medical condition that is causing the obesity), then perhaps THAT is the issue to work on, probably through therapy. If you don't make the effort to take care of yourself, others will notice that and be less interested-- not because of the physical, but because of what it says about the person's own unhappiness/struggles inside.

I know that, for me personally, being healthy and surrounding myself with others who are healthy is important to me. I don't care if my partner is a size 2 or a size 10, but I do care that she chooses to eat healthy foods, exercise, not smoke, etc because that tells me she has good self-care and wants to be around to be there for me, her daughter, etc.

Well I'm larger than a 10 (14 is average by the way) but I am within the healthy BMI. I don't exercise as in going to gyms but I have a very active lifestyle. I feel healthy and I feel fit. I tend to be attracted to the same.; those that may not be greek adonises but watch their health. I have a habit of people watching. For the most part I see partners as a reflection of the same.

Again, my recommendation is not about concentrating on what you think you cannot have but on what you can be and those positive attributes you have or strive to have.

[unaluna]

In my younger years, my ts told me we look for in a partner what we feel we lack in ourselves.

[jaymoq]

Is it possible that you are disgusted by larger women because you are, in turn, unhappy or displeased with your own appearance or health? Is it not also possible that you are exclusively attracted to thinner women because that is your true desire for yourself, and therefore you have an attraction to that physique?

I personally cannot relate. I have never picked my partner based on outward appearance. I have dated and been in serious relationships with incredibly thin and trim men as well as men of a larger build. My ex-husband was a very large man and I had no qualm whatsoever with his appearance. I find the beauty in the person. But, as visual creatures, many people need to have that initial attraction first.

You mention you are a "virgin". Have you ever been in a serious relationship with anyone? I didn't want to assume. What about serious friendships with members of the opposite sex?

If you are attracted to women that have a certain physical description, then you can't change what you like. I like a certain personality type. I can't just decide I don't. Then you'll be unhappy and bitter. So, stick with what you like but consider other options for pursuing those relationships. Consider developing friendships and going from there. The right person is out there, but you have to make yourself available too. How are you interacting with these women you find attractive? Do you share the same interests or values as them, or are you just strictly attracted to their body?

As far as your initial question, can high standards be a disorder-- I don't know that it is so much a disorder. I myself have incredibly high standards and have tried to date people thinking I could mute them. I can't. I don't think it makes me bad or wrong. It doesn't make anyone that doesn't align with my standards wrong. It just makes us wrong for each other.

yes, we are forgetting to answer your question. No, I don't believe this is a disorder. I think it may be a way of seeking the ultimate validation in yourself.

[OneInBillions]

I'd like to thank everyone for your responses!

Originally Posted by rcat

But, are you waiting for such a woman to just come along or are you actively pursuing them? So too, in what places are you looking for these women?

I suppose that's part of my problem. Part of it was so much rejection growing up; it really affected me. I tried a few more times in college but again, all rejection. So after college I just gave up. I'm totally isolated now; I have no friends, let alone women I could be interested in. Add in social anxiety, undeveloped social skills, no self-esteem or confidence... And yeah, you can see why I'm a virgin for life.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

High standards are not necessarily the problem, as much as it is a double standard more than anything. You expect and look for women based on a high standard of healthy weight and lifestyle while you yourself do not hold yourself to such standards.

This is definitely true. I've always hated my weight and wished I could get thinner. I think depression is partly to blame -- I don't have and cannot find the motivation to change my lifestyle. And a common reaction to depression and anxiety for me is binge eating. Plus I just plain hate exercise -- I was constantly teased for being slow and bad at athletics as a kid, and I think that just made me hate it.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think if you are going for unattainable women you might be subconsciously attracted to unavailable people. People with whom it would not work

I've thought of this too, and it might be very true. Maybe I've got some pathological condition where I always want what I can't have. I can think of several ways in which that's proven true.

Originally Posted by jaymoq

Is it possible that you are disgusted by larger women because you are, in turn, unhappy or displeased with your own appearance or health? Is it not also possible that you are exclusively attracted to thinner women because that is your true desire for yourself, and therefore you have an attraction to that physique?

This was one of the possibilities I addressed in my OP, and I think it could be quite true. I hate my own appearance, but I gave up on it a long time ago. Every now and then I'll get this really strong desire to change my lifestyle and get fit but it's not that easy. Plus I worry that it really could be genetic, and thus not easily changed.

Originally Posted by jaymoq

You mention you are a "virgin". Have you ever been in a serious relationship with anyone? I didn't want to assume. What about serious friendships with members of the opposite sex?

No, I've never been in a serious relationship with anyone at all. As a kid most of my friends were girls. But then puberty happened, depression and anxiety hit, my weight rose quickly and I lost all confidence. I've had real troubles with basic friendship ever since, let alone intimate relationships. And severe social anxiety makes it feel impossible now. Thus, virgin for life.

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

Hey everyone. Another thread got me thinking. I've always had really high standards when it comes to dating and romance. Throughout my teens I chased after girls who were way out of my league, and always got rejected as a result. I've always been a bigger guy, and was morbidly obese by 16, but I've always been exclusively attracted to skinnier girls. Maybe it's self-loathing or something, I dunno. But from a sexual standpoint bigger women simply disgust me. Don't get me wrong; I've known some very kind, smart and wonderful big women in my life, but I can never see them as potential love interests or partners.

I know it's shallow and reprehensible. I know I focus way too much on appearance when it comes to attraction. And I think it's pretty common these days with portrayals of women in the media, porn, etc. But I cannot change it. It's just the way I am. Now I'm resigned to being a virgin for life because I know that no one I'm interested in will return the feeling.

Is there some psychological term for sky-high standards? Or could it be a symptom of something else? A relationship or personality disorder? All I could find on Google is perfectionism but that doesn't seem quite right. And it doesn't really fit with depression or anxiety, I think, unless it's hatred and disgust for my own obesity.

I really hope this doesn't offend anyone; that's not my intention. I'm just wondering if this is just another part of my broken personality, or something more.

High standards in my opinion aren't a problem until you make them exclusive standards meaning that you will only date or be in a relationship with someone who has those standards. It is okay to have your preferences which may mean you high standards but to enter a state of mind where you only date men who are 6'0" tall or greater and so on is disabling yourself. Sometimes we end up with a partner who is nothing like our preferences but we happened to find them to be our true love anyways. Simply, having preferences is fine but stay open minded and avoid being like an admissions committee.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

This is definitely true. I've always hated my weight and wished I could get thinner. I think depression is partly to blame -- I don't have and cannot find the motivation to change my lifestyle. And a common reaction to depression and anxiety for me is binge eating. Plus I just plain hate exercise -- I was constantly teased for being slow and bad at athletics as a kid, and I think that just made me hate it.

I won't minimize that depression will play a role in being able to be motivated to change. I know that's in no small part an issue that affects your ability to lose weight but it's definitely not something you want to just give in to as it sounds like you have. That you know your reaction to depression is binge eating is a start by the fact that you have the realization that it's a problem. Not easy but something that needs to change in your thinking, somehow.

Although there are health nuts out there that actually really love exercise from the beginning the fact is there are many others that, like you, hate it but in spite of that, you have to place importance on becoming healthy at any cost not just for the simple reason of finding a mate, no especially not something like that but for your own health, well being and even to help with your depression. Even though becoming healthy physically may not be a "cure" for your depression and problems, it will definitely give you a leg up on getting to where you need to be in so many ways, including mentally. What I'm saying is, it would be a good thing to really take to heart that becoming healthy isn't just something that will help you look better but should be part of your mental health "therapy"

I'm not claiming any of this is easy but what I see here in your responses is that of resignation to being what you are, overweight and depressed. Don't accept it as if there is no better way, no way to become healthy physically and mentally, emotionally too.

Have you spoken to your family doctor about this? Could there be a medical reason for the weight gain.

Even though my weight was healthy I was so terrified of gaining it I wasn't taking my meds. I ended up in the hospital. They put me (off label) on metformin. Yes, it's a drug for diabetes but it has other eefects too. It keeps up metabolism, reduces blood sugar, and curbs my appetite. There is even theoritical evidence it may put off diabetes to which high dosages of Seroquel has been linked. I am not losing weight but I haven't gained it. I also have not binged since taking it. So far it's been highly effective.

But, that is only an aid. There is no better alternative than to being active.

It won't happen over night; but, what will happen is your fight to do someing about it is going to be noticed.

I understand the anxiety of going to a gym - it terrifies me. So I do things like walk a lot including the mall every other day. I'm also in the position of doing a number of outdoor activities - which I believe not only gret for exercise but I believe the sun is a source of battling depression. I also recommend an SAD therapy light. Since I started using mine 2wks ago I am more energetic and healthier of mind.

[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

Hey everyone. Another thread got me thinking. I've always had really high standards when it comes to dating and romance. Throughout my teens I chased after girls who were way out of my league, and always got rejected as a result. I've always been a bigger guy, and was morbidly obese by 16, but I've always been exclusively attracted to skinnier girls. Maybe it's self-loathing or something, I dunno. But from a sexual standpoint bigger women simply disgust me. Don't get me wrong; I've known some very kind, smart and wonderful big women in my life, but I can never see them as potential love interests or partners.

I know it's shallow and reprehensible. I know I focus way too much on appearance when it comes to attraction. And I think it's pretty common these days with portrayals of women in the media, porn, etc. But I cannot change it. It's just the way I am. Now I'm resigned to being a virgin for life because I know that no one I'm interested in will return the feeling.

Is there some psychological term for sky-high standards? Or could it be a symptom of something else? A relationship or personality disorder? All I could find on Google is perfectionism but that doesn't seem quite right. And it doesn't really fit with depression or anxiety, I think, unless it's hatred and disgust for my own obesity.

I really hope this doesn't offend anyone; that's not my intention. I'm just wondering if this is just another part of my broken personality, or something more.

Stop seeking to diagnose yourself. Living under the shadow of a diagnosis is not really living. It's copping out and avoiding responsibility. Listen. It's normal to be attracted to the "hot" girls. Everyone is attracted to them. And obesity being unattractive isn't just a socially constructed thing. It's biological. Unfit people are not seen as fertile, unfit people are not strong, unfit people do not take care of themselves, unfit people have more likely chance of living an unhealthy lifestyle than others, etc. And if you settle, you'll start to lax the standards on yourself and next thing you know you'll be out of shape even more than before.

So, you're a bigger guy. I was a bigger guy as well, thanks to my meds. I sought help from a dietitian and my GP who put me on a medication that helped with my blood sugar (thanks to the psych meds, my metabolism was very messed up). Then I worked out a solid diet plan with her and decided to go to the gym for 4-6 days a week, for at least 1.5 hours a day. To this day I don't miss a day, and when I do, I'm pissed at myself. I've even added 2-3 days of swimming for 30 minutes. I eat healthy, stay away from garbage, I eat at the right times, and I get the sleep I need. I managed to lose 60 lbs. And even then it doesn't stop. I work two jobs and go to graduate school. I completely support myself. And even then, even then, it doesn't stop. I continuously read books to expand my mind and have topics to connect with people on. I continue talking to and meeting women. Out of maybe 10, 1 says yes to a date. And out of 10 dates, maybe 2-3 agree to a second date.

My point is- do away with "leagues". Work on yourself. It's hard to find a partner regardless of your looks. Relationships are about a fit of personality. And when it comes to fit of personality, it gets even weirder. For example:

I know a woman who at 25 acts like a child and cries to guilt trip anyone who expects her to act like an adult. She is one of the most manipulative and conniving people I've ever known. She gets very angry and enraged when she can't get her way. She gossips and pits people against each other then acts cute and childlike to look innocent. I've known this woman since she was 17 and she had wrecked many guys emotionally with her cheating, lying, and messed up behavior. Guess what? She's getting married in a couple months. The guy's really good looking and financially successful, too. And after a brief dead-end convo with her last month, I realized she's still the same immature, manipulative POS I knew back then. Moral? She found a guy that LIKES her antics and not just puts up with it, but engages in it because her drama makes him feel alive.

You ever wonder why the biggest tool in the world has such a hot and supportive girlfriend? Same reason. Eva Braun was absolutely obsessed with Adolf Hitler. I don't believe there's someone out there for everyone. But I do believe people have their preferences, and many of these preferences are unconscious and rather bizarre.

Don't pathologize yourself. Love yourself. Work on yourself. Get yourself fit, learn, converse, and meet new people. Keep upgrading yourself until those standards are no longer "high". And don't shy away from talking to attractive women. It's not about looks for them. It's about personality and responsibility. Build your responsible and masculine character by improving yourself and your life. And keep trying. The more numbers you go through, the more likely you'll find someone that works well with you.

[emptybag]

Maybe the larger lady disgusts you, as you are really disgusted with yourself and you want this unattainable women that are thin as you want to be thin and think you cant be that... ??