OK maybe I won't like the answers but

I have been cleaning and purging and found a bunch of videos that belong to my X, long gone for 4 years. I know where he is -- he moved in with a gf in California while denying this. Liar, liar pants on fire.

I'd like to return the videos, no note or anything. On the one hand, I feel it has a passive-aggressive dimension. Merely sending the items says "I know where you are and that you lied."

On the other hand, the only other choice is to pitch them, and a few of these are films that he videotaped for himself, that are hard to find, and that he thought were really good.

Is is mean to send them? Or mean to pitch them out when it will only cost a few bucks to send them media mail?

PS -- Although he was emotionally very mean to me, I used that against him to keep all the joint financial holdings from 15 years together. It wasn't a lot, but it has helped, as he left me when I became sick and unemployed.

I've put in my 3-cents quite a few times on this list, so I hope I can get the pros and cons on this.

if they meant alot to him that long ago maybe it would be a nice gesture to send them to him.

what videos are they? i think you should just write on some paper "thought u might want them" then, either he will get all guilty coz of it, which it serves him right, or he will take it as an act of compassion on your part. but then it depends on what he videoed. if it was you two doing,,,,well you know,,, then if u dont mind, send it to the media,,,see his face, he was cruel to u it seems.
you had every right to try and screw money outta him for being emotionally mean... i dont know i dunno the whole story
take care all
self

What are the videos of? Of him and his girlfriend? Listen to your heart and who you truely are and do what you won't live to regret. Once the videos are gone-they're gone. But on the other hand, if they were so important to him why did he leave them behind? Was that a Fruedian slip?

I wouldn't send them. Yes, it's a nice gesture, but it also takes your time and suggests he is importantant enough to you to do this. Is he?
I would just store them, and if and when you should hear from him regarding something legal, etc., you could mention...Oh, by the way...I found these videos of yours...
And offer to send them or give to him if in person.
Just my two cents!
Patty

agree with Patty. is he and his feelings important enough to send them? and send a part of yourself in the package. you can't get around that part. you'll go with the videos. i think i'd put them in the driveway and run over them two or three times and put them in a trash bag for the garbage........just my cranky and sick wisdom coming through bright and clear.........xoxox pat

remember, i heated my sweatlodge rocks with some of the stuff that the ex's girlfriend sent me.......

No no, nothing sexual, just arty films that are kind of hard to get ahold, that he liked a lot as a film buff, and mean nothing to me.

He left *everything* behind -- because the New GF was apparently that important. But don't get me started on how mean he was he left.

I dunno, gals, I wouldn't have it in my anymore to run over them. I would feel just terrible about that.

You won't believe this -- I neatly packed all his good clothing in suitcases for him to pick up when he left me. Then a gf said -- you are nuts -- I'd throw it out on the lawn for him. So I just starting stuffing things in big lawn plastic bags for him to pick up on the covered patio.

Honestly, I don't have that much hate or vengeance in me to have to run over his things. After all, this all happened quite a long time ago.

What Pickle says about listen to your heart makes more sense. Maybe pieces of me will go with the videos, that's why no note, no return address. On the other hand, keeping them or treating them vengefully is keeping his energy a part of my life in negative ways.

my personal take is a little different.... I've done both thru the 20 some years of divorce ... I think I found true freedom when I could toss/give to charity the "thing" that I found of my ex's that turned up over time... It's sort of like "YES", I've reached that point in life where his feelings are of no importance to me...

that does not mean something extremely important like personal pictures or the like though - those I would still give him...

PS Everyone -- Thank you so much for giving me your ideas about this. I know it's a kind of silly thing, compared with what some of you are going through, and I appreciate it that you have taken the time to read and reply.

(((((((((Wants2fly))))))))))))))

Wants...
You're a real sweetie with a kind heart!
Patty

umm, I'd sell them in a yard sale,,, If he was in that much of a hurry to be with his girlfriend, heck, I wouldn't save them to give them back to him.....That is what I would do...

send them to HER, COD! (cash on delivery) heehee

Ok. That's probably just mean. But it's a fun thought

Freewill, I like your attitude too. Maybe it's the right one. It's not as if he ever asked for this stuff, a keep your eye out for it or anything like that. On the other hand, I made him feel really guilty about leaving me and was in such pain, I was suicidal, which he knew, so it wasn't like he was going to say -- oh, by the way, could you send me those.

But one thing I feel queasy about is that I do not want him to interpret this an invitation to call or anything like that. He broke up with me five days before my birthday, then sent me a Happy Birthday card!!! suggesting that someday we'd be friends. Unh-unh.

So I'm starting to think y'all are right -- I'm just asking to open old wounds perhaps by sending it on.

Liberada, I wouldn't send it COD, but you're right -- I could address it to the gf. But that would seem spiteful, and really, I'm just not at that place anymore.

I'd probably send them to him. It doesn't HAVE to be a spiteful act. He might not even take it that way. Spiteful is in the intent, not the perception. But yes, you'd be opening old wounds but perhaps closing some others. I'd send it if I were you, and without a note. He'll know who it was from, and he might even be grateful.

Thanks LMo. I'm kinda looking around for a box that's the right size. If one turns up in my storage unit and I don't have to buy one, I'll take that as a "sign."

Id send it to him....with no note or return address....he will know who they are from....

i can imagine how much it really hurt for you to deal with that...but i always say its better to do it to me now ..then later....its been four years....i am quite sure you have grown and matured and no longer have to deal with the crap youve put up with before....the sooner the better...but then again...im not sure how much advice you want to take from me....men are like doors...when one door closes...another one opens...and its a whole new bright experience....make peace with him and be happy that he found someone that was meant for him (then he might not be so meaner to her) and go look for that other door! Honestly if i threw out those videos....its more like the door is closed and your just trying to kick it in..if that makes since...nothing will happen by it....and youll feel probably less at peace then you started...if you run them over lol...well thats more like trying to bring out some rage that ...well just isnt there and doesnt need to be there...its not healthy for you....and if you send it too him...he gets something back that he truly appreciates....and he can have one lasting memory of the two of you...what if he threw away something of yours that you valued? It would just bring up bad memories...and probably fights that you just dont want to handle ...plus feelings would be really really hurt in the process....good luck on your discision as it is yours to make....you have my support...let us know how it works out...
love, inny

I can hardly believe that the last post in this thread was NINE days ago, and I only took action today. I could find a box that was large enough, so I cut away a side of one box and merged two with packing tape, and wrapped the whole thing in sturdy builders' brown paper -- what they put on new floors while the contractors are still working on a house to protect the flooring.

As the return address, I used his own address at the headquarters of the trucking firm where he works, where the guys can get lockers, mail, etc. I was tempted to put delivery confirmation on it, which I do for every single package I send just to be sure, but that would have been too big an emotional investment.

I rounded up a couple additional things of his still hanging around, a clean sweep. So it's done. For such a simple thing, it sure took me long enough. I mean, there are people with Real Problems on this site . . .

Thanks all for your feedback and insights on this, which somehow assumed more emotional weight than it probably should have.

which somehow assumed more emotional weight than it probably should have.

It took what it took and you've got it done! CONGRATULATIONS!

Umm... I'm sure you know that using the word "should" means you're being your own critical parent? That's a no-no. You're too sweet to treat yourself that way as far as I'm concerned.

Thanks for the acknowledgement and reminder, Tomi.

It was a real problem for you! And that is ok!

It is good to find closure! (If that is ever possible) You went about the whole thing in a very admirable and mature manner.

Thanks, Sabrina. I appreciate your perspective. Helps me feel less like a ninny.