[Rhapsody]

I have not been on in a while, since I got my Sugar Gliders, for they are quite the PeAcE maker of ones troubled Mind as you sit and watch them for hours on end..... but I do find that I now need a little HELP on a subject I have yet to enter.

My real FATHER - a MAN who has been absent from my LIFE for the last 40 years has requested to be allowed to come for a visit with all of his children from his first marriage to my mom for He is wanting to make amends and to ask for forgiveness.

Now while I did try to connect with him a few years back - no visit ever came from it, but we did talk a little via e-mail..... NOW! - after the death of his 10 year long relationship with his last girl-friend due to cancer and with Him turning 60 something he says he has come to realize that he made a mistake and that he should have NEVER left my mom nor his children for another (the young hot baby sitter).

But I ask? - How is one to let a man have his need to settle his life, mistakes and regrets before its to late, when they are unsure (cannot really say what I am unsure about - I just know I am).

..... I know I am angry at this MAN for so much and I hate that I was left and forgotten by someone that was suppose to love and protect me.

* * * * * * *

Has any one ever gone through this and come out on the other end with a sense of PeAcE and less Devastation...... if YES, please share.

[SongBirdandDaisy]

(((((Rhapsody))))

My father had multiple affairs and my mother stood by her vows (old Catholic faith) and ignored what happened. I don't know if she knew how he also abused us and I can't deal with that right now. I am somewhat estranged, now, from my family as they all "forgave" my father and he continues to fulfill his own needs at the expense of others.

I tried to "bury the hatchet" for my own peace of mind a few years ago and allowed him into my home for a visit, along with my mother. They live half way across the country - by my choice. I realize the situation is a little different, but, it turns out that my father was just looking for his own peace of mind (and a piece of my daughter)and was still the selfish, self-absorbed, self-satisfying man he had always been.

He was looking to gain access back into my life for his justification of what he did, trying to ease the burden of his actions. It was a disaster for me and my daughter.

I know all stories don't turn out this way. I know that we are supposed to forgive, maybe not forget, but forgive. I don't know that that can happen until the personal hurt is resolved. One of my sisters (there are eight children) was able to forgive him and others tried. She said that it was a very freeing experience and released alot of baggage and she was able to move on with her life without having to drag all of what dad did with her.

For me, having tried to forgive once and seeing that it was not sincere, was enough for now. Perhaps I will in the future . . . For you, I would not look at this situation as allowing him the ability to ease his guilt, but a way for you to put this all behind you. However that needs to be accomplished for your well being and mental health.

Good Luck
Songbird

[tranquility]

Hi Rhapsody -

This didn't happen to me but I watched it happen to my mom. Her parents were divorced when she was 5 years old. In that day and age, my grandmother had to ask her father for permission to get divorced because my grandfather was an alcoholic and was running around town with women.

My grandfather briefly came back in my mom's life when I was 13 and I met him. Then we didn't see him again until I was 21ish.

He called my mom to reconnect and after doing so, discovered that he had cancer (I'm still not clear, but I think he knew he had cancer when he came back in her life). My mom did go back to have a relationship with him. I couldn't understand why.

She was there when he was on hospice and dying. At one point he told her he wanted to explain "his side of the story". My mom told him she didn't want to know. I was like "are you nuts? I'd want to know!" But she said it wouldn't make a difference anymore.

I guess the answer is an individual choice. My mom never said she forgave him, but I think she made peace with what happened.

Tranquility

[Direction]

Might I suggest snail mail...instead of a visit or email...Email tends to be to quick for a new jerk reaction.

My father left before I was twelve and died when when I was 35 (1 1/2 years ago)...In 2001 one after some correspdance I agreed to a visit ... it went ok...during that I gave him my boundaries regarding our relationship going forward as now I had children and wasn't going to have him it my life if he was going to be on and off again like he usually did. I was not going to subject it on my children...

Well in less then 6 months...you can guess...

So please take it slow...during that snail mail phase you may be able to figure out why now part....

[sabby]

(((((((Rhapsody)))))))

This is certainly a difficult situation. My situation was a bit different as my father was not gone out of our lives for too long. He did pull up stakes and went across country on a whim, leaving my mother, my brother and I. When he left, he made a promise to my brother that he would send for him as soon as he was settled. Of course, that never happened and it really hurt my brother.

While he was away, he met a woman, a divorcee (she had been married to a minister). They had an affair and she had the gall to write to my mother and ask for her blessing for her relationship with my father. The letter included a description of herself and what she "felt" for my father. It was a disgusting display of "in your face" and I believe, wanting to feel villified for having an affair with a married man.

My mother was hurt beyond belief, and I was so angry, that if that woman was within 500 miles of me, I would have probably gone and raised some hell with her and my father. They were in Arizona, we were in CT.

My father decided to fly home for Christmas to see his family. He was going to bring his new love, but my mother told him not to bother coming if she was coming. So he came alone. I was so angry with him that I went to stay with a friend while my father stayed with my mom and brother.

My mom begged me to come for Christmas day. She wanted me to have a relationship with my father regardless of how badly she was hurt. I was not happy by any stretch of the imagination. I did show up for Christmas day, probably with a huge chip on my shoulder. I informed my father exactly what I thought of him, what he did and told him in no uncertain terms that I would never accept his new love. It was a very intense day to say the least.

Within the next year, dad came back to CT after his new love turned out to be the devil in disguise. My mother, God Bless her, took him back into the home (separate sleeping quarters) until he was able to get work and find another place to live. I continued to be very angry with him and I couldn't understand how my mom could let him back in and help him out after the hurt he had caused. He finally got a job and moved out.

Within 3 years of that horrid time, I became engaged and was planning my wedding. Again, my dad had moved back into the home after going through some difficult times with loosing his job, his drivers license due to DWI and just not being able to get his act together. My mom, talked with me again about accepting my father back into my life. She explained that he would be devastated if he couldn't walk me down the aisle. I resisted that for a long time. It was my day and I didn't want to even invite him to the wedding never mind want him to participate.

It took a number of months of talking with my mom before I finally broke down and agreed to let him walk me down the aisle. I finally came to the realization that if she could forgive him for his mistakes, then I could at least try to do the same. We agreed that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, only that we let go of some of the pain that was caused and open our hearts up to a more postive light.

My father was completely overwhelmed when I told him that I forgave him for his mistakes and asked him to be a part of my wedding. I could see on his face and in his eyes he was so thankful that I would include him in my special day. He did everything he could to make the day special for me. If it hadn't been for the strength and understanding of my mother, it would have never happened. I was in awe how she handled herself through this whole situation.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this, if you don't give him the opportunity to apologize, to attone for his mistakes you may end up wondering for the rest of your life if there could have been a chance for some healing to happen. You will wonder if your father would have been serious about his intentions to attone for his mistakes. If you don't open the door and give him this opportunity, can you live with that decision? Can you live with the decision to hear him out even if what he is offering is strictly for his own benefit and not yours?

Of course, what you must consider is what YOU can deal with. You must feel safe in your decision and take care of YOU first and foremost. I know for myself, allowing my father back into my life (even though he still caused pain now and again) was part of the healing process for me. I was able to let him in on MY terms, not his. That made a big difference. I realized that my father was only human and made mistakes. I learned that my father, as imperfect as he was, was not a horrible person. He may have done some rotten things to us that hurt beyond belief, but I also realized that he himself was hurting and dealing with it the only way he knew how, drinking and running away.

What my mother did for her children to continue to have a relationship with their father was the most unselfish thing I had ever experienced. Because of her love of her family, she was willing to be the catalyst of forgiveness. I will always be grateful to her for showing me and teaching me that no matter what wrongs are done to me, to hold the anger in will only destroy me.

I understand that this will bring up many emotions that you have probably tucked away for a very long time. Maybe you are not in a place right now that would allow you to let him in and hear him without it causing too much heartache for you. Maybe this is the time for you to be able to tell your father exactly what pain he caused you all these years. That may be very healing for you.

Only you can make the decision as to whether or not to see him. I will keep you in my prayers that you are able to figure out what will be good for YOU. It is completely your decision.



Hugsssss
Jean

[tranquility]

Jean - your mother is quite inspiring. What a wonderful example of someone's positive actions having an effect on people around her!

[Direction]

Jean - I'm in awe of you - what strength and courage you have...your post really brings forth a good example...one that we don't have so often...

Tranquility-read this post again and try to figure out what your terms will be...

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SongBirdandDaisy said:
For you, I would not look at this situation as allowing him the ability to ease his guilt, but a way for you to put this all behind you. However that needs to be accomplished for your well being and mental health.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

In all I feel as though I have put this matter behind me (that is what 10 years of T will do for a person) - and that is probably one of the things that has me so unsure about this visit - the "What IF" thing.... what IF this visit __________ (fill in the blank).

I guess the only reason I would allow this visit (w/ me - other siblings have to decide for themselves), would be for ME to settle one last issue that might still be open and invading my marriage...
For I know all to well and admit that my relationship with my father (or the lack of it) has indeed effected my 21 year marriage.... in the ways of these two men being similar to each other and in letting me down by not loving and protecting ME as they should have.

So - maybe this visit could help me put an end to a rather difficult matter that has been testing my mind, love and patience for the last few years.

? ? ? ? ? ? ?

... i HATE being so UNSURE of things.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What does one do when another makes amends with them and yet LIFE goes on as usual..... do we continue to live as we once did and if YES, How? - for now the Gate has been opened again.
.... plus, to me to make amends means to CHANGE - to make room for - (by the amender).

[Rhapsody]

I understand...... and that is how I have been trying to live my life with this man (thru God not myself) and that is why I agreed to let him come to my daughters funeral 10 years ago.... even though I was going thru a nervous breakdown and had just starting the world of T mixed with unlimited confusion from a past left undone.

.... it sure is hard trying to do the right thing.

* * * * * * *

Did I ever tell you (or any one) that this MAN was 30 minutes from Shands Hospital when my daughter almost died three different times at the young age of 3 months old and while he always called and promised to come to see me - he NEVER did.
.... that's the night the lights went out in Rhapsody.

[sabby]

Rhap....The best advice I can give you now is to try to calm yourselfl about it and listen to your gut instinct. So often we try to follow what our mind or heart says while not feeling completely at ease with doing so. I have found over the years to trust my gut instinct. It has never let me down or failed me in any way. It's when I don't listen to it that I end up having difficulties that I am not prepared to work through properly.

Regardless of what you decide, I will support your decision to be the best one for YOU. I hope you can come to terms with your decision soon so it doesn't eat at you for too long.

Prayers & Hugs
Jean

[Rhapsody]

I think I should allow it..... for I now know all to well what I am afraid of.

.... Maybe one day I will share what it is -

[sabby]

I'm glad you were able to figure out what you were afraid of. Thats a great step.

Share when and if you feel up to it, but it's not mandatory

Sending you lots of prayers and positive energy!

Hugsssssss
J

[Rhapsody]

Been having bad dreams with my husband in them (w/ other women) since all of this has come about.... I hate the way the dreams leave me feeling when I wake up and how past wounds are getting all mixed up in it all (dreams & RL).

I wonder? - will meeting with my real father help ease some of the stress and strain my emotions have placed upon my marriage and toward my husband.... for I know these two men have been twisted together with in my wounded soul & mind - for years.

FEAR: will this coming together of, make or break my 21 year marriage?





....................... ANY ONE? ................................. ANY ADVICE?

[meander]

I'm not sure, Rhap, but since they are so twisted together, and that seems painful for you, surely entangling it would be better for you?

And I'm sure it won't break your marriage on its own... if you have doubts about your partner, then this meeting won't change that, but may just be the catalyst to make those doubts come to life faster, if you get my meaning.

But it sounds like your marriage is strong, so don't torture yourself with what might happen, hard though that is. Just remember that you deserve to be happy, and do whatever it takes to make that come about. If that involves not meeting with your father, then that's fine, I'm sure he'll understand if he thinks about it and what you've been through.

Good luck
-Meander

[Rhapsody]

THANK YOU - for your KIND words..... they have placed some PeAcE within ME over this meeting.

[Wants2Fly]

Rhapsody, I've kept out of this thread because I didn't have even $.02 that seemed relevant. But I am glad and relieved that you are finding your way on this difficult road to reunion. Hugs and hugs.