[Patagonia]

I've been married for 21 yrs.
I have 3 young children.
I have a house. A car. Hubby doesn't complain about money & I don't work. I have everything a suburban housewife could want!
Then why am I so miserable! My husband had stuck with me thru several suicide attempts, med changes, counseling, self harm & ECT to name a few. All this had effected him & we've slowly drifted apart. We are not the same people we were when we fell in love.
So I stay.
I stay for my children. Out of guilt and bec of obligation. I am also financially dependent on my husband. The thought of leaving terrifies me!
Am I being selfish? After everything he's done for me it would be horrible of me to leave. Right? I don't love him anymore.
I know that if I'd leave many many people will be hurt.
I feel so very trapped. I'd like someone to step in & guide me bec I know I'll fall on my face. It makes me feel like dirt!

[CANDC]

Sorry you are battling extreme depression. There are ways to cope with these kinds of stress, like self care. Have you considered talking to your prescriber about the fact your meds are not keeping you stable? Or a therapist trained in depression might help.

I try to work on the fringes and get my foundation in place. I do yoga and exercises every day. I practice mindfulness. I do my anger management work. These start me in the right mental framework to be open to new possibilities that I may not have considered.

free yoga

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com
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Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[CycloMary]

I feel the same way...trapped.
My H isn't bad to me, nor great.
My emotional needs haven't been met for most of our marriage.
I wonder if my emotional instability is caused mainly by his neglect. Yet he blames me.
It's never his fault.

I'm sorry you are so down.
Just know you aren't alone. Hugs

[divine1966]

Sorry you are so down. Did you talk to your therapist? What does she say?

Personally I would suggest to get out because I don't believe in staying in miserable marriage. Would you consider working? Going on disability? Anything not to depend on him? You probably get some alimony and fit sure big child support. But then with your mental health would he want full custody? He might have the kids full time. And you would most likely have to work or be in disability etc after divorce. A lot to consider

Also I know you shared before that you are having an affair. Is that still on or is over? Maybe divorce would be devastating for you husband but leaving him (I think) might be less devastating than finding out about affairs? Or he knows? Do these affairs make your life more manageable or less do?

Oh what about marriage counseling?

These are all tough decisions.

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Hello,

It's not selfish of you to want to leave, you have look after yourself. But have you ever sat with your husband to explain that you can't take it anymore? Have you ever tried marriage counselling, as divine1966 suggested?

As you said, your depression has affected your husband as well, so it's only fair that you discuss that with him before you make any decision on your own.

He wasn't nasty or violent towards you, he's been supportive to the best of his ability, so I think that he deserves that much.

Can I ask, how old are your children?

You said you've been married for 21 years, so I'm assuming that the youngest must be on his/her late teens.

If that's the case they are well able to understand, in case you decide to split from your husband.

One thing for sure, is that you cannot continue suffering like that. You said that many people will be hurt if you leave, but ask yourself: how long more can you take?

So, sit down with your husband and explain your situation to him. He probably already knows, but he also probably need to hear it from you. Maybe you both can try and fix your marriage, reach an agreement, make things livable... or maybe not.

But the important thing is to talk.

I wish you the best.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I've been married for 21 yrs.
I have 3 young children.
I have a house. A car. Hubby doesn't complain about money & I don't work. I have everything a suburban housewife could want!
Then why am I so miserable! My husband had stuck with me thru several suicide attempts, med changes, counseling, self harm & ECT to name a few. All this had effected him & we've slowly drifted apart. We are not the same people we were when we fell in love.
So I stay.
I stay for my children. Out of guilt and bec of obligation. I am also financially dependent on my husband. The thought of leaving terrifies me!
Am I being selfish? After everything he's done for me it would be horrible of me to leave. Right? I don't love him anymore.
I know that if I'd leave many many people will be hurt.
I feel so very trapped. I'd like someone to step in & guide me bec I know I'll fall on my face. It makes me feel like dirt!

[Patagonia]

My youngest child is only 5. Kindergarten.
Thru my marriage we've tried marriage counseling on 3 different occasions & it's never really helped.
Last time I talked to my husband & told him that I don't belong here, that I needed to leave he asked me to stay & figure it out here. He keeps blinders on. See he has it very well if I stay. I do everything for house & family while he dedicates himself to his job. It comes first. It always has.
He gets upset when I tell him how unhappy I am. He thinks he has to fix it some way & can't. He says he's not responsible for my happiness. That he just wants the old me back. He doesn't understand me & is tired of me & my MH issues. I don't blame him. He's frustrated.
I know he'd want the kids full time. He's a great dad. I'm not a very good mom.

Yes I'm still having an affair but know it's a dead end relationship. No one knows about it.

I don't see a therapist or shrink anymore. After 27 yrs & feeling the same way I know it's a waste of time. I don't wanto go back.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I would say to think about your own happiness right now. But that means you're going to have to work for it. Getting a job or disability, finding your own place, helping your kids through the separation ect. I'd say counseling for you and hubby but you said you've already tried that. It sounds like you have a comfortable life that a lot would kill for but if your not happy then it means nothing. You deserve to be with your best friend and someone that compliments you and that you love back. And actually I just scrolled up and read that you're having an affair. So yea, the marriage is probably over. Just prepare yourself for a lot of work ahead and possibly legal action. Hopefully it will be worth it in the long run. Good luck to you!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 150mgs
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 600mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[hannabee]

Have you ever considered that you may be having a mid-life crisis? You probably thought the affair was the way "out", but it's not. Please just start small by getting your independence back. A part time job to start maybe? Big hug and good luck.

[divine1966]

I'd confess affair and get out. I am not judging affair but if it is beyond one night stand he deserve to know the truth. File for divorce and ask for visitations or shared custody as he might get the kids. You most likely will need to start working as you'd need to pay child support and support yourself. I don't know what else to suggest

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[ChipperMonkey]

IMHO your husband is selfish. IMHO his sort of "I'm not responsible for your happiness" attitude is why many relationships fail. No, it's not another persons responsibility to make you happy, but a marriage is a partnership and once you say "I do" you're in it TOGETHER. That is, read between the lines. He's essentially saying he doesn't give a damn about your happiness. I say start making plans to get out because why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?!?

[Patagonia]

I'm scared to death! I'm scared of failing. Failing my kids & being a social outcast. Of course, giving everything up. I admit I have a lot. Am I willing to walk away from all this just for the possible hope of happiness? Am I being a fool that the grass will be greener on the other side?
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to fight for what I want knowing what the cost will be to others. I will be alone. So I feel like I'm stuck in cement shoes.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I'm scared to death! I'm scared of failing. Failing my kids & being a social outcast. Of course, giving everything up. I admit I have a lot. Am I willing to walk away from all this just for the possible hope of happiness? Am I being a fool that the grass will be greener on the other side?
I'm not sure I'm strong enough to fight for what I want knowing what the cost will be to others. I will be alone. So I feel like I'm stuck in cement shoes.

Taking the leap of faith just because the grass seems greener on the other side, that seems risky alright... even more considering you'll be shutting close all the doors behind you.

Moving out is a huge task to take for a person who's got his/her mental health in good nick. For someone who's battling a mental illness, I wouldn't know how to put it.

And yes, failing is a possibility you're gonna have to be able to deal with, should it happen.

You have a lot of doubts and it seems to me that you are pretty much answering your own questions.

If you have no one to help you out, no family member to take you in at least until you get back on your feet, then you'd have to do it all on your own.

The questions to ask yourself aren't even "Can I do it?" or "Am I strong enough?". The financial part is where it hurts.

You could start by making a list of what you're going to need in order to break free from this situation.

Top of the list is a job, as others already mentioned. Do you have any work experience at all? Can you get any job, anywhere?

Then after that, comes the roof over your head and basic furnishings (sofa, bed, table and chairs, cooker, etc). And with that, all other expenses involved: rent, home heating fuel, energy, water, etc... and let's not forget food and all of the other things needed in a house.

If you get a job, would your income be enough to pay the rent and all of the other expenses?

Im sorry, I'm not trying to put you off or anything, but that's the reality of it.

I'm also sorry that I don't have a solution for you. The only solution I see is that you should start by finding yourself a job and saving money. That's how you'll get yourself the independence you need.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

IMHO your husband is selfish. IMHO his sort of "I'm not responsible for your happiness" attitude is why many relationships fail. No, it's not another persons responsibility to make you happy, but a marriage is a partnership and once you say "I do" you're in it TOGETHER. That is, read between the lines. He's essentially saying he doesn't give a damn about your happiness. I say start making plans to get out because why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?!?

I disagree. If someone is severely depressed, there is nothing the spouse can do if the depressed person has given up on therapy and isn't trying to fight their way out. The spouse cannot "make" the other person happy. My previous partner had depression and I tried for years to help make her happy-- tried to get her to work, exercise, do therapy, talk to me, etc. She didn't want any of the help, yet she complained that she was miserable. I was miserable too! Finally, I left. Last I heard, she is still profoundly unhappy. (Luckily, I'm in a relationship now with someone else and I'm very happy!) I guess my point is that no one else can or should be responsible for another person's happiness. If someone is depressed, they need professional treatment. Even a caring spouse just doesn't have the tools to help the situation. It's the same when you're dating someone with an addiction. The only person who can decide to stop drinking & get well is the alcoholic, and they need professional help. Blaming the spouse or saying they aren't helping enough is a way of avdicating personal responsibility. I don't think a lot people realize how HARD it is to be in a relationship with someone who is severely depressed. At least in my relationship, I was the only one working, paying 100% of the bills, doing most of the housework, going to grad school full time, and trying to help my partner in every way I could think of. I was severely stressed out and overtired, and it was hard to see her napping on the couch most of the time when I was sleeping maybe 2-4 hours a night. The whole time, I got told I wasn't making her happy-- but I must be happy enough because I was keeping all the balls in the air and going on with life. There is no way the spouse in this situation is happy-- but someone has to pay the bills and keep food on the table.

If the OP is truly unhappy, then leave. Go to a treatment center. Get a job. Make some kind of change. Even if your spouse thinks he wants you to stay (probably out of fear or co-dependency), it is healthier for both of you if you get out of this miserable situation. Anyone who has lived in a house with a depressed person can tell you that no matter how well you think you are hiding it or how happy everyone else in the family seems, they are not. They can feel the depression and it feels like it is sucking the life out of everyone. You deserve to be happy! But the only one who can make you happy is you! It's hard work, but you can get well if you work at it. Your husband also deserves better than to be cheated on behind his back. He deserved the truth. He deserves to find someone else who will treat him right, just as you deserve someone who will make you happy, too.