Misc Thoughts

When can I stop looking for a better tomorrow and find happiness in today? I want so much to simply be happy. I'm tired of arguments, tired of having my hopes and dreams tossed back at me scornfully whenever I choose to let loose with them with the one person I should be able to. Tired of forgoing my own happiness to be for there and support someone who doesn't even care enough about himself to examine his own issues. Tired of being with someone who just accepts that he has been made an "a#@hole" (his words not mine) by his childhood experiences and chooses to wallow in anger and blame. Tired of only being able to bare my soul to someone that it's wrong for me to even associate with at this point. Tired...just so tired. Tired of feeling like I'm just not a good enough person deep down to deserve to be happy. Tired of knowing that my son is being hurt by all of this, that there is just no way for me to handle this that will not hurt him. If I stay (and deep down I don't want to anymore) then the arguments, the pettiness, the anger, the blame, it all continues and I know I'm going to look at my son when he's sixteen and realize that the girl he just brought home is probably going to be called a C%&t by my son if she angers him because my husband has demonstrated that that was acceptable behavior his whole life...if I leave then at least I have the chance of provide him a loving environment to counterbalance that but his fathers influence will still be there and it is already painful and confusing for him that we are separating. Just very sad tonite...feel so close to happiness and yet so very far away. Miss you like crazy M.D. So hard not being able to talk to you...God, I just need to close this chapter of my life and move forward. So many things I think of that I would like to do in my life that I know he would never do or allow me to do that I know we would enjoy together...feel guilty and selfish as hell for feeling this way but I can't help it, can't pretend like we never made this connection and wouldn't want to if I could...ah well......no one has to reply to this just needed to get all that out.

Don't have to reply but want to. You hang in there sweetie. i feel so bad for you now. I don't know enough about your situation to help but I can say I care and understand what it feels like to feel lost, alone, scared, confused etc etc ETC.
You do what you know is best, one day at a time and things will fall into place. Your son is better off being in a stable environment without aggression and so are you. You will have time to explain and help him understand as he grows up. He may be confused now but slowly, someday he will understand and he will be glad that his mother got him out safe when he could've been damaged so much more. Also, he will look at his mother and know what a real woman is. Not one who takes abuse but one who is worthy of happiness and being treated like a woman. A good decent woman. That's you, you know!!
Heidu

Heidu: Thank you so much...you have no idea how nice it is just to hear someone say that I am a "good decent woman" I know this is the right thing to do, I really do, I think deep down I've known it for a long time but just didn't want to face it. When it comes down to it he doesn't think that there is anything wrong with his behavior...he thinks it's perfectly OK to call your wife a C%$T, or destroy furniture, or lock yourself in a room telling eveyone that your going to kill yourself...he really, truly thinks its a perfectly normal way to act in argument and until he admits to himself that it is not no one can help him...when he rages he tells me it wouldn't happen if I didn't push him and in a practical way he's right I guess...I can see when he's holding his control by a thin thread and I have at times pushed him over that edge during an argument...but I think he needs to learn why he flys off the handle so easily in the first place, why he has such explosive anger...we've had such a dysfunctional relationship all around and I think when it comes down to it we are just not GOOD for each other. I don't want to place blame...I'm not perfect...I have my own issues to deal with my own lack of patience and stubborness and low self esteem and we just need to work these things out separately now, we are simply not capable at this point in our lives to be the support network that the other needs, he for his reasons and me simply because I am just not in love with him, I love him as he is the father of my child and I will always care for his well being (I really do hope he gets better) but I don't think he really loves himself right now (and our relationship has just made things worse for him in a way, I know that and it hurts me because I want to fix it but I can't and ultimately he needs to be responsible for his own well being no one else) I don't want my son to grow up thinking his behavior is "normal" I want to be with someone that I connect with, that will build a happy home with me and my son and quite frankly I have FAITH now that it really is out because of this encounter with my friend....

I am glad I made you feel nice. I firmly hold the belief that all litle girls are princesses and all woman are just grown up princesses. Makes my husband want to vomit when I say that. We deserve to be treated well. We deserve love. We deserve happiness. I think you are on the right track with your thoughts. Having you son grow up with a good example will make him a good man. even if your husband continues his ranting and raving he will see that it isn't right and there is a better way to be. You have the power to give that to him and at the same time give something wonderful for yourself. Of course in a bad marriage there are two sides. Of course you have done and said things that weren't the best. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own actions. You can hope and wish and put yourself thru hell waiting for him to change but he can't change what he doesn't see is a problem. It is NOT your fault. He doesn't accept responsibility for his actions and you shouldn't either. You take care of yourself and your son. You can't be responsible to another who won't be responsible for themselves.
I have had many friends in trouble and I would do anything for anyone if they need help. (took me years to take care of myself first and realize only then could I be a good help) I have also had to walk away from people that I loved very much. If someone needs help but only can drain the life from you to get thru then they will never get better. I have told these people that I am always here for you but only when you want to do something to help yourself. I cannot hold you up if you won't even try to walk. I then walk away and most of the time I never here from them again which makes me sad but at the same time you can be a wonderful support but you can't have a life if you are living as a crutch.
It sounds like you are getting some clarity and finding hope for your future. I am glad for that.
Heidu

mmmm...all of my poetry lately seems to be about hope, about faith, about love, about putting awayfear, about having courage...I'm trying...it's hard...last night I listened to friend of one of my husbands friends wax poetic about all th emotion that he was experiencing when he fell in love with this woman and then about how he felt about his dreams for his carreer and I was like "God...here this guy is, he's 6 years younger than my husband and he understands more about what it really means to LIVE than my husband ever will..." It's sad, that anyone could go through life and really not appreciate the beauty of ambition, of determination, of desire, of hope and faith and trust...the simple beauty of beauty itself OK now I'm waxing all poetic Anyway...thank you for your words of encouragement and support. Must run...have to get to work....arrrggghhh