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#1
Dec 07, 2015, 10:35 AM
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I've been hesitant to write this post because I was afraid of negative feedback. But I'm a grown woman so I'll take my risks. My bf and I have been together for two yrs. we live together and often taPk about marriage and kids. Well pretty much my bf has a UTI that spread to his bloodstream. It's pretty bad. First when we arrived through ER, his mom met us. Now his mom and I don't see eye to eye and my bf is a major mamas boy. No matter how nice I am, she has something to counteract everything that comes out of my mouth. Even small things like what movie star is doing what. It's ridiculous. So they kept taking him for tests so I would be stuck in the room with her for quite some time. I kept the convo neutral but still got attitude. Let me just add that she has triggered a manic episode in me before. Also, we only have my bf's car right now and it's a stick shift and I can't drive it so I borrowed my dads truck. Well my dad needed his truck back so I had to leave. They also admitted my bf to the hospital at this time. Well I got my dads truck back later on and my bf's mom told me he was asleep so I just went home to get some rest. I texted him and asked if he wanted me to come back and he kept saying no. Well the next morning I woke up to angry texts from him saying how he stayed with me while I was in the hospital and was mad that I "left him alone" after telling me not to come up. So right away I got dressed and went up there. I got there and it was like he was a completely different person. Make note that he is the most laid back, calm, positive person I know. He was yelling about me being unable to work (I had a breakdown last March and have been unable to work). He brought up my meds too and said "I know that seroquel knocks you out for DAYS!!" Well, I corrected him and said that my seroquel lets me sleep a few healthy hrs a night. I really had to try hard to keep my cool at this point. I was shaking and having an anxiety attack right there. I told him this, he laughed a wicked laugh and said "oh please!" He also mentioned how I run to my family or my bipolar friend when we have problems. But I consider these people my support system especially my friend who shares the ugly MI bipolar with me. So right there I understood that he has been going through my phone. So I put a lock on the tapatalk app that I use for this forum and my phone. There was other things said but you get the idea. And perfect timing, before I could defend myself, his mother walks in. I spent the whole time she was here with my head in a book, gritting my teeth and trying not to make my anxiety noticeable. I did run home for literally 2 min to get my meds to prepare to spend the night by his side and took my much needed PRN for anxiety. His mom finally left hours later and I spoke up saying "from what you've said to me I feel like you don't know me at all or understand me and my MI and I can't be with someone like that". He started again saying how he slept in a chair when I was in the hospital and helped me move around ect. I said "read your text msgs! You told me not to come!" Well we both cooled down, I slept here in a chair. It's now the next day and the dr said he will be here for another night. And his mom is coming back. I plan on going home to shower when his mom gets here so I can at least get a break from the both of them. I'm truely still hurt. I tend to dwell on things. And I also tend to end up with the wrong man. I don't know what I expect out of people replys here and I guess I just needed to vent. I can't seem to shake this anxiety from an argument that happened 24 hrs ago. I can't help that I'm very upset right now. I just want understanding from him. I want him to want to know me. I know if someone I loved has a illness, I'd be doing all I can to better understand and be there for them. I thought of this ma as my whole future and best friend. Now, I'm just baffled.
Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Seroquel 150mgs Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 600mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
 Anonymous 37943, Anonymous45023, Anonymous59898, avlady, Gavinandnikki, green0cake, kindachaotic, Raindropvampire, TishaBuv
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#2
Dec 07, 2015, 12:27 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Borderline PD/Major Depression/Anxiety  Living well in recovery from mental illness is possible!
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#3
Dec 07, 2015, 12:38 PM
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After reading more than one of your posts, I'd say you should think about alternate plans. This guy repeatedly gets nasty with you because you can't work, holds your MI against you, etc. I'm failing to see how everything else about him is so great that you'd put up with this.
__________________
Will work for bananas.
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| avlady
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#4
Dec 07, 2015, 12:38 PM
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Relationships are complicated especially with the parents mixed in too.
 I had septicemia too from an uti, was in the hospital for a week and got very grumpy with friends, not sure it was the illness or the meds. I really hate being vulnerable and being laid out with tubes everywhere made me feel so exposed I lashed out at everyone.
__________________
Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
| avlady
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#5
Dec 07, 2015, 12:55 PM
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He is on pain meds and when it comes to medicine, he rarely takes anything because he worries it's bad for him (unlike me over here on all kinds of psych stuff). I don't know if it's normal, my BPD, or my MI but I can't shake this feeling I'm having toward him. I'm PISSED. My usual reaction to confrontation is to turn my back and get scared and all I want to do right now is walk out of here.
Chipper- yea I guess you're right. Between him and his mom I feel like I can't be myself at all. I'm not allowed feelings in this relationship. I think I have a lot of re-evaluation to do. Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Seroquel 150mgs Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 600mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
| Anonymous37784, avlady
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#6
Dec 07, 2015, 03:03 PM
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Clearly, if your bf wanted you to stay at the hospital with him, he should have said so. You should not be expected to know that he really wanted you to be at hospital after he texted "don't come." He should have just communicated his wishes directly.
That said, since he is the one in the hospital going through this right now-- even if some of his demands or emotions are irrational-- this is your time to be there for him and allow him to be upset/frustrated/scared/cranky. This is the time when he gets to be the "patient" and he gets to have your full support. He may be acting "pissy," but when your SO is in the hospital they sort of get to be pissy for a few days. It's not easy, but he probably just really needs some unconditional love and support. He's probably scared. Since he's vulnerable right now, this really isn't the time to put your anxiety or your "stuff" onto him. Its not the right time to talk to him about understanding your MI. You absolutely DO have the right to bring these things up to him later, after he is out of the hospital! Of course, those things do matter-- but they should be tucked away temporarily, while he is recovering. You not working may have also put extra stress and anxiety on him, and his way of dealing with it may have been to internalize it and this may have exacerbated his condition. That may be why it is coming out as anger right now now. He also probably doesn't understand your MI. It may not be that he is unempathetic; just that he doesn't "get it." If you can't work, apply for SSDI so that you can still have an income and take some of that stress off of him. It may be that he just has too much pressure on him right now, and he can't keep all the balls in the air right now. Just because he doesn't have an anxiety "disorder" doesn't mean he isn't stressed to his breaking point. (Been there, done that!) Once he is better, these are all good conversations to have so that you can understand one another better and, hopefully, work through the issues. Just try to put on your best empathy face for a few days, while he's in the hospital, and not really strong enough to take care of himself, let alone anyone else. Sometimes, being the partner of someone with MI is really stressful and difficult, and the partners need their own mental health days, too. When it's so often about the stress and anxiety of the MI partner, the other partner's own stress can get kind of overlooked. Maybe you just both need to talk it out and see how you can make a better team. |
| avlady
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#7
Dec 07, 2015, 03:07 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Borderline PD/Major Depression/Anxiety Living well in recovery from mental illness is possible!
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| avlady
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#8
Dec 07, 2015, 03:55 PM
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i am sorry this is happening to you. i do hope he will be better off his meds the doctors put him on in the hospital stay. i wouldn't put too much emphasis on his moms reaction, she'll see the light if something else happens and see its not your fault and will have to some soul searching herself. good luck
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#9
Dec 07, 2015, 06:44 PM
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Well I appreciate everyone's input. It got way worse. I lost it. His mom showed up. He told me what she said behind my back. He didn't even stick up for me. Then he took a jab at me. And to top this day off, my addict brother was blowing up my phone for a ride to the point my phone died. He wanted a damn ride to get norco. All I asked for was to be left alone while I was at the hospital all day. I lost it. I walked out. Yes I feel bad. I feel like the BP crazy *** that I am. I texted my bf. Nothing back. Not sure if I should even call him my bf anymore. This life I'm living is not healthy for me mentally (long story, maybe another time). I came home and ran to my room, shut the door. Thanking God I live alone. I'm out of Ativan and that's not good. I forgot to get my script a wk ago so I have to try and chill out on my own. I'm not cut out to have these kind of people in my life. I just can't handle this day.
Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Seroquel 150mgs Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 600mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
| ChipperMonkey, DBTDiva, kindachaotic
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#10
Dec 08, 2015, 03:21 AM
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Make it known and aware to him. Not just let him acknowledge it, but learn to understand it from you that you love him. Don't let his mother fool you in your beliefs and if he feels the need to push you away, because he's used to his mother force feeding him a codependent type of love. Make it clear what he is making you feel hurt, make it known you will own up to any mistake for him, but he needs to be reasonable. You both obviously love each other the mother is worried she is losing her little boy clinging on to him for dear life on his heart going for you. She likes to create a rift, because she has personal issues and rather she shouldn't force herself and her own insecurity in the relationship. It's you and your bf only not you your bf and his mother. You already know that part. Make it happen, if he made you feel like **** make it known he was being unfair you were trying to reason and be the best you can be. Not only do that with words, but show it in actions and if he refuses to understand. Find out what to do next day by day to show you truly care if he is still persistent and not seeing things. Make your own decision what you know will work best for the both of you is my point exactly. I'm sorry how this happened, I've been here before myself with my ex. Unfortunately I learned the truth she didn't love me much as he did for you, but I'm going off of observation. You know what to do. I believe in you. |
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#11
Dec 08, 2015, 12:03 PM
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You know in your heart what you need to do.
Ive seen a lot of red flags in your posts. Dealing with a mamas boy is never easy and will remain difficult until she passes. Then it can get better but it can get worse. Being triggered by your relationship and depending on ativan to calm you. That scares me dear. Anyway, sleep, have a warm bath, eat your favourite food. Anything that helps you cope. I would be as angry as you. Being in hospital doesnt give anyone the right to treat someone poorly. Yelling or heated conversations are for home. Im babbling sorry. |
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#12
Dec 08, 2015, 12:32 PM
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Wow, I'm sorry all this is happening to you.
There's a lot of things that could be going on here. I've seen some people saying that based on your other posts he doesn't seem like the right guy for you. That may be, we really can't know. I do know that when posting about relationship problems, the other party always comes off as wrong -- of course, because that's why we're upset! It doesn't necessarily mean that they're always like that. You have to figure out for yourself if he's worth this trouble, if he gives you enough support and good things to make up for it. That said, the first thing that comes to my mind is that he does resent that you have problems he can't understand. But understand that we all resent our partners now and again. It's just that if mental health isn't a part of the picture, we get mad about things like dirty dishes, late bills, a careless word, etc. And we still manage to blow them out of proportion. But in a healthy relationship, you recognize that it's give and take, both of you will get mad at the other for things they do and don't do, but you learn to accept it as who they are. The problem is that mental illness is a lot harder to cope with, both for the diagnosed and their loved ones. I'm sure he does sometimes resent the things he has to deal with, just as you might resent when he leaves dirty clothes on the floor. It just feels a lot more personal to you, doesn't it? My boyfriend is the same way. I don't think he understands how his simplest words or actions can send me into a spiral of despair. And to someone who doesn't share our problems, you can imagine that it must sometimes look like we're being ridiculous, or lazy, or stubborn, or a million other things that we should be able to control, but can't. I don't have the answers for you because I'm struggling with the same thing. I think it just takes a lot of work to find a balance. He may never understand how you feel, but he needs to understand when and how he makes it worse, and how he can be there for you instead of making you feel worse. That's something I'm working on with my boyfriend, and one thing I've come to appreciate is that even if he never brings up my problems or can't think of anything to say when I tell him about them, he does often recognize when I'm having trouble, and tries to help me without addressing the problem. He'll let me have a day off work to de-stress, or make dinner for me, or just be a little more affectionate than usual, and I've had to learn to recognize this as his way of trying to help me. When your boyfriend says things like this to you, you should try to figure out where it's coming from. I know there's a lot of possibilities. But I try to look for the "heart" of actions I guess. As in, is he saying this to hurt you? Or is he saying it because he feels hurt? I agree that his being mad at you for not being there when he told you not to be is ridiculous. But I also know that when you're sick, especially hospitalized, a lot of things feel different. You can feel abandoned just because other people are able to go about their daily lives. It could just be this that frustrates him, and he took it out on you. Which isn't okay, and he needs to know that. But try to look at most of the things he does that upset you. Is he just completely unaware that it could upset you? Is he trying to upset you? Is he trying to get some kind of affirmation or support from you? Try to look for patterns like that. If you feel like he often says hurtful things just to vent, or consistently doesn't consider your feelings before speaking, then he's probably not the right guy for you. One more thing that occurs to me is that it's definitely a red flag that he not only looks through your stuff, but lets you know. I think a lot of us are probably guilty of occasional spying, just for peace of mind, but we would be horrified to think the person might know we looked. If he's comfortable enough to spy on you, be offended that you're talking to other people about your problems when he doesn't seem to want to hear about them, and then throw it in your face... that seems like a control issue to me. |
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#13
Dec 08, 2015, 05:51 PM
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We're home now and both of us are acting like nothing happened. It feels good not to be in the stressful environment of the hospital. I'm helping him with everything and he's walking fine now. We went to eat and I brought it up and asked him to apologize. Yes I had to ask. He said no and that I should of been there no matter what and that he shouldn't have to ask. I guess he's right but I'm not a mind reader. Now that we're home and I'M taking care of him, his mom is mad. We had to go to her house for something and she told him on the phone that I can't come in lol. Fine with me. He admitted that he liked being in the hospital. Whatever. I told him to try and be a woman once a month or go through labor lol. He's acting like his usual self. Uhm last I checked I was the bipolar one here. I guess it's hard when the tables are turned. You see a different side when vulnerability comes in play. Hope I don't ever see it again!
Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Seroquel 150mgs Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 600mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
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#14
Dec 09, 2015, 08:54 AM
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What about talking to the hospital staff about his behaviour? They may give some insight on the matter and let you know if it is the norm or even what additional behaviour you might expect.
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#15
Dec 09, 2015, 09:35 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Borderline PD/Major Depression/Anxiety Living well in recovery from mental illness is possible!
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#16
Dec 09, 2015, 02:05 PM
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Yes. I texted "I can come back up there tonight and stay and bring you what you need". Him: "no it's ok" Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Seroquel 150mgs Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 600mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
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#17
Dec 09, 2015, 02:27 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Borderline PD/Major Depression/Anxiety Living well in recovery from mental illness is possible!
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#18
Dec 09, 2015, 03:01 PM
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Not attempting to excuse his behavior; he acted very poorly. This is more of a general question about healthy relationships... |
 DBTDiva, jacky8807, scorpiosis37, Trippin2.0, ~Christina
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#19
Dec 09, 2015, 03:31 PM
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I think in this case if you want to continue with this relationship it would be best to have someone else mediate/facilitate/educate. You seem to be locking up because he does not understand the seriousness of your condition. He needs to be educated by someone who is not biased towards either one of you. Then you can both decide whether it's in your best interest to continue.
__________________
-Tradika FACTA NON VERBA |
| RomanSunburn
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#20
Dec 09, 2015, 03:52 PM
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I'm a little lost as to how your bf landing up in hospital became about you. Shouldn't he be the focal point right now?
I get that he brought you and your difficulties to the forefront, but I can sort of see why he would feel neglected or overshadowed. He probably wasn't expecting a text asking if you should be there for him, in all probability he was just expecting you to be there, as he had been for you in the past. I would also have said no if someone asked me if they should visit me in hospital. FWIW, I personally would not have asked my bf permission to be there for him. In fact I look for any "excuse" to do just that, as he's always been my main supporter. Maybe his resentment doesn't stem from taking care of you, but from feeling like the relationship is a bit lopsided. Idk, just my 2c, no malice intended, just a different view point on offer.
__________________
 DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD  "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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| jacky8807, scorpiosis37
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#21
Dec 09, 2015, 03:57 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Borderline PD/Major Depression/Anxiety Living well in recovery from mental illness is possible!
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#22
Dec 09, 2015, 04:19 PM
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Or sometimes people actually don't know how to ask for certain things.
I'm 31 and only learning to ask (for anything) or state my needs clearly now. Not due to passive aggressiveness, but because I've always had to look out for myself, since I was a child, and when I did dare ask someone or depend on them to come through for me, they usually failed me miserably. I didn't imply that RX should have read his mind... I clearly stated that in her bf's shoes, I wouldn't have expected a text like that to even come into existence, and would've responded in the very same manner. In his shoes, I would just expect my partner to be there. End of story. Not ask me if they should be there for me in my time of need, and never in a million years would I ask someone to stay with me at the hospital. If they want to, they will. In my (admittedly twisted) mind, that text would be my partner wanting permission from me to opt out, instead of wanting reassurance that I want them close. So while my view may be skewed by my own demons, many of us have similar ones, and I was just trying to provide a sneak peak into a different mindset.
__________________
DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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| DBTDiva
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#23
Dec 09, 2015, 04:46 PM
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Well I asked because I wanted to know if I should bring him anything too. Food, toothbrush, something to do/read. He just kept saying a quick "no" or "nothing". Like I told him, I can't read minds and I think he should of spoke up about what he wanted or needed. He was having a hard time eating so I kept asking if he wants me to bring his fav foods or anything to get his appetite going. He just kept being short as if trying not to be an inconvenience when he knows I always take care of him. He was being difficult. A completely different person compared to who he is at home.
Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia Seroquel 150mgs Risperdal 4mg Trileptal 600mgs Buspar 45mgs Ativan 1mg PRN Vyvance 70mgs PRN |
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#24
Dec 09, 2015, 05:23 PM
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As someone who's done and said a thousand uncharacteristic things I've profoundly and incessantly regretted ever since, this guy is deeply physically ill and it sounds like his mom puts a real spin on him, so don't take the nasty things he's saying at face value, at least until he gets better. He's been under a lot of stress and maybe his cruel statements shouldn't be taken very seriously, until he's better. I'm on your side, but if you and he are good together under normal circumstances and things went sideways over this illness, it's the illness.
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#25
Dec 09, 2015, 07:08 PM
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I get it that he is difficult and his behavior is uncalled for but I just don't understand the whole dynamics of the relationship
I don't know.. My mom was very ill this past year and is finally free of cancer  🏻🏻🏻now we do ask if she needs anything but when she was ill we never asked. Me and my brother just did. You just do. My mom is the kind of person that doesn't want others to bother so if we asked she would just say no thanks. Of course we were there. No need to ask. I am somewhat surprised you needed to know if he needs anything. Toothbrush? Wouldn't you know if he has one? If my BF got ill ( I pray he doesn't) I would know what he needs and likes and what to get him and would not need to ask and we don't even live together and haven't been dating for long. I would also be in the hospital. I wouldn't ask. I'd feel awkward just sit home especially if you do not work and don't have kids at home don't need to run anywhere ( sometimes we can't take time off work right away or can't get babysitter) while he is in the hospital sick You two live together and he supports you! It just seems strange to me. You are a committed couple yet something is just off. I do understand your feelings too especially with this mother stirring the pot. But I just don't get the dynamics between you two Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
| ChipperMonkey, DBTDiva, Trippin2.0
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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