Son's Girlfriend wont get a job

Is your step-son working himself? Two salaries is nice and pretty much the norm these days, but, if his wages don't even allow them to have food in the refrigerator, then what business do they have "playing house," like they are an independent couple?

I agree, they have no business playing house like an independent couple, they aren't independent.

He is lazy and irresponsible. So the girl he has attracted as a partner is lazy, too. Oh, what a surprise. Neither one of them is going to grow up, while they have relatives paying their way in life.

SS has a full time job and works every day. He is just starting in his career so his pay is still low. He went to school to be a mechanic, it is just going to take a little more time and experience for his salary to go up. He isn't lazy and works hard. He said he would start looking for second job and we both said NO! GF needs to get a job!

So, when the girlfriend gets a job, then you are willing to help them more? Why? All this help is nonsense. Giving gifts to a young couple starting out is fine, but not when they seem to have no responsibility to do anything for themselves.
Well, the way I see it is if they are both working and doing their best and they need 20 bucks here or there, no problem - if they are being responsible.

Everyone is infantilizing this young man. The main goal seems to be to get the girl to join in and take care of him also. You say she needs "to help." To help what? If this young man can't pay his rent, then it would be best for him to lose the apartment. Then he can move back in with his mom, or go to a homeless shelter, or find a sugar mama to support him, or do whatever. That's his problem to figure out. Both sets of parents are trying to figure out how to keep his lifestyle afloat. That's not your job. That's his job. Yes, you are right.

Sometimes, people need to fail. He had no business getting this apartment. He can't afford it. Let him fail. He'll learn something. You all are making it impossible for him to learn anything, other than how to sponge off of people. Forget about what the girlfriend is or isn't doing. He's got no business living with any girl. Before you know it, there'll be a baby in the picture. That will be because you all are enabling something that shouldn't be happening. THAT is my biggest fear. We normally don't help him financially. He has bitten off more than he could chew. I did tell them that sometimes when we get ahead of ourselves, we have to take a step backwards so we can get moving forward again. That I think they went too far getting this apartment.

When he asks your husband for help, the answer should be: "No, Son. You need to support yourself. If you can't, then maybe you need to consider a career as a gigolo. Find a well-off woman who will pay for the joy of having you around." Is he very good-looking? Does he have loads of charm? If not, then maybe this loser girlfriend is the best he could attract.

In any case, maintaining his lifestyle should be his problem. How is he going to afford insurance on the car, when he can't even pay the rent and keep the lights on? How can he pay anything for this car? You know, you are right. He wont.

If your husband doesn't have a history of taking from your household budget to fund his son, then you really don't have a gripe. What bio-mom does is her business. When and if your husband starts spending significant money on paying your son's expenses, then you will have something to be concerned about.

I can't help but wonder - How old is this stepson? More than likely, his character is formed and trying to sponge off of people is his way of getting by. He's probably going to always do that to whatever extent he can get away with. His mom enables this approach to life, and she is unlikely to change, either . . . as you have figured out yourself. You and your husband can "have a talk with them" till you're blue in the face. That won't change anything. This guy never gets to face any consequences to anything. So now you've decided you are going to impose consequences on the girl's behavior. If he wants to have an unemployed girlfriend, that's his business. Let him face the consequences of his own decisions. His mom will always give to him inappropriately. That doesn't mean you have to.
SS is 21, and you are right, he never has had to face consequences. This is a pattern. And you said that correct, I didn't see it this way, that he never has to face consequences and now we want to impose consequences on the GFs behavior. His mom will continue to bail him out, as usual.

It's not him who needs to put his foot down to the girlfriend. He needs to grow up himself. Your focus is on this girl, which is not where it belongs.

I have another stance on this. There may be a perfectly legit reason the GF doesn't work. There may be the chance she can't. Perhaps she might actually want to desperately but that she has limitations of her own. Could it be possible she has depression or anxiety issues of her own that prevent holding down a job?

I myself can't work and nothing makes me angrier than to hear people infer I don't wish to.

I realize the majority of people out there make the rather negative assumption I am lazy and would rather sponge off the system than get a job.

I understand that if they aren't asking us for help, it isn't out business, but the minute they do, it is our business. SS has talked to us about this issue before, thereby making it our business. As for my husband it is absolutely his business as he wants the best for his son. We all want them to be successful and are happy to help but not when you aren't helping yourself.

We want to help them by discounting the price of the car and think maybe that will help motivate her in getting a job. But, I understand, if we sell them the car, it is theirs to do with what they will. No strings attached. I get that. A gift is a gift.

DH's ex called Saturday, she paid SS rent this month and he asked her for money to pay the electric and she said no. We went over there to give them their Christmas gifts and yes, we did have a talk with them. We took them to lunch and we bought them a couple weeks worth of groceries since they had nothing but bread and milk and no money. And we let them know that until GF is working and at least trying to help, there is no more financial assistance from us, and that his mother says no more from her either. (I will believe it when I see it.)

It turns out GF isn't babysitting regularly, it was just one week. She is not depressed or stupid, the house is clean, she cooks meals, so she is fully functioning. We know this. She isn't highly skilled, but did graduate high school so there is no reason for her not to work other than her lack of personal motivation. I don't think that she is using SS per se, she loves him, and he is so blinded by his love for her, that he wont put his foot down.

We are done giving financial assistance, we will see what happens next month.

I understand that if they aren't asking us for help, it isn't out business, but the minute they do, it is our business. SS has talked to us about this issue before, thereby making it our business. As for my husband it is absolutely his business as he wants the best for his son. We all want them to be successful and are happy to help but not when you aren't helping yourself.

We want to help them by discounting the price of the car and think maybe that will help motivate her in getting a job. But, I understand, if we sell them the car, it is theirs to do with what they will. No strings attached. I get that. A gift is a gift.

DH's ex called Saturday, she paid SS rent this month and he asked her for money to pay the electric and she said no. We went over there to give them their Christmas gifts and yes, we did have a talk with them. We took them to lunch and we bought them a couple weeks worth of groceries since they had nothing but bread and milk and no money. And we let them know that until GF is working and at least trying to help, there is no more financial assistance from us, and that his mother says no more from her either. (I will believe it when I see it.)

It turns out GF isn't babysitting regularly, it was just one week. She is not depressed or stupid, the house is clean, she cooks meals, so she is fully functioning. We know this. She isn't highly skilled, but did graduate high school so there is no reason for her not to work other than her lack of personal motivation. I don't think that she is using SS per se, she loves him, and he is so blinded by his love for her, that he wont put his foot down.

We are done giving financial assistance, we will see what happens next month.

I understand that if they aren't asking us for help, it isn't out business, but the minute they do, it is our business. SS has talked to us about this issue before, thereby making it our business. As for my husband it is absolutely his business as he wants the best for his son. We all want them to be successful and are happy to help but not when you aren't helping yourself.

We want to help them by discounting the price of the car and think maybe that will help motivate her in getting a job. But, I understand, if we sell them the car, it is theirs to do with what they will. No strings attached. I get that. A gift is a gift.

DH's ex called Saturday, she paid SS rent this month and he asked her for money to pay the electric and she said no. We went over there to give them their Christmas gifts and yes, we did have a talk with them. We took them to lunch and we bought them a couple weeks worth of groceries since they had nothing but bread and milk and no money. And we let them know that until GF is working and at least trying to help, there is no more financial assistance from us, and that his mother says no more from her either. (I will believe it when I see it.)

It turns out GF isn't babysitting regularly, it was just one week. She is not depressed or stupid, the house is clean, she cooks meals, so she is fully functioning. We know this. She isn't highly skilled, but did graduate high school so there is no reason for her not to work other than her lack of personal motivation. I don't think that she is using SS per se, she loves him, and he is so blinded by his love for her, that he wont put his foot down.

We are done giving financial assistance, we will see what happens next month.

Is the girl's mother working?

Of course people care and are concerned and worried.

A person can be caring, concerned, and worried about a situation and still realize that intervening would be imprudent and inappropriate.

My step son is 21 and lives with his girlfriend of 4 years. They have been living together for about 2 of those. She is 21.

SS works full time and makes ok money(about 2500 mth) for not being a college grad and being 21. His mother has spoiled him though, so he has a really hard time working and waiting to acquire the things he wants. He wants them NOW, and has a melt down when he doesn't get them. So he is driving around in a newer Nissan 350z, has several accidents so insurance is really high. His mother helped him buy it and he has a car payment. We (his dad and I), tried to convince him to get something where he wouldn't have a payment. But he gets what he wants.

SS and GF moved into a new apartment in August, his mother and her mother came down and bought them a whole apartment full of brand new furniture, and helped them get a very expensive apartment. The rent is $1000 mth, and in this area, this is really pretty high, they easily could have had a decent place for $700.

GF does not work. Well, she just started babysitting at home, 3 kids for $80 week! She is getting completely ripped off! She doesn't have a car and SS doesn't want her to have to walk to work, but there is a shopping center and restaurants right across the street. She could easily walk to a part time job over there and make a lot more than what she is doing. She just has no motivation to do anything. She has no interest in working at all. We mentioned to her probably a year ago, that she needed to get on the ball and get a job.

The last couple of months SS's mother has been helping them pay the rent, I don't know by how much, but yesterday she called DH and told him what was going on and asked that he talk to them cause she cant afford to keep paying the rent for them.

DH and I bought a new truck last month and were going to sell the little car we have, but thought it would help if we sold it to SS and GF for about half of what we could really get for it, that way she couldn't use the "I don't have a car" excuse for not having a job.

Saturday we are going to see them to give them Christmas presents, and we are going to talk with them about GF getting a job. We are getting really fed up with her not helping SS with bills and just living off of him.

Any suggestions?