Son's Girlfriend wont get a job

TerriLynn · Jan 11, 2016, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose76

Is your step-son working himself? Two salaries is nice and pretty much the norm these days, but, if his wages don't even allow them to have food in the refrigerator, then what business do they have "playing house," like they are an independent couple?

I agree, they have no business playing house like an independent couple, they aren't independent.

He is lazy and irresponsible. So the girl he has attracted as a partner is lazy, too. Oh, what a surprise. Neither one of them is going to grow up, while they have relatives paying their way in life.

SS has a full time job and works every day. He is just starting in his career so his pay is still low. He went to school to be a mechanic, it is just going to take a little more time and experience for his salary to go up. He isn't lazy and works hard. He said he would start looking for second job and we both said NO! GF needs to get a job!

So, when the girlfriend gets a job, then you are willing to help them more? Why? All this help is nonsense. Giving gifts to a young couple starting out is fine, but not when they seem to have no responsibility to do anything for themselves.
Well, the way I see it is if they are both working and doing their best and they need 20 bucks here or there, no problem - if they are being responsible.

Everyone is infantilizing this young man. The main goal seems to be to get the girl to join in and take care of him also. You say she needs "to help." To help what? If this young man can't pay his rent, then it would be best for him to lose the apartment. Then he can move back in with his mom, or go to a homeless shelter, or find a sugar mama to support him, or do whatever. That's his problem to figure out. Both sets of parents are trying to figure out how to keep his lifestyle afloat. That's not your job. That's his job. Yes, you are right.

Sometimes, people need to fail. He had no business getting this apartment. He can't afford it. Let him fail. He'll learn something. You all are making it impossible for him to learn anything, other than how to sponge off of people. Forget about what the girlfriend is or isn't doing. He's got no business living with any girl. Before you know it, there'll be a baby in the picture. That will be because you all are enabling something that shouldn't be happening. THAT is my biggest fear. We normally don't help him financially. He has bitten off more than he could chew. I did tell them that sometimes when we get ahead of ourselves, we have to take a step backwards so we can get moving forward again. That I think they went too far getting this apartment.

When he asks your husband for help, the answer should be: "No, Son. You need to support yourself. If you can't, then maybe you need to consider a career as a gigolo. Find a well-off woman who will pay for the joy of having you around." Is he very good-looking? Does he have loads of charm? If not, then maybe this loser girlfriend is the best he could attract.

In any case, maintaining his lifestyle should be his problem. How is he going to afford insurance on the car, when he can't even pay the rent and keep the lights on? How can he pay anything for this car? You know, you are right. He wont.

If your husband doesn't have a history of taking from your household budget to fund his son, then you really don't have a gripe. What bio-mom does is her business. When and if your husband starts spending significant money on paying your son's expenses, then you will have something to be concerned about.

I can't help but wonder - How old is this stepson? More than likely, his character is formed and trying to sponge off of people is his way of getting by. He's probably going to always do that to whatever extent he can get away with. His mom enables this approach to life, and she is unlikely to change, either . . . as you have figured out yourself. You and your husband can "have a talk with them" till you're blue in the face. That won't change anything. This guy never gets to face any consequences to anything. So now you've decided you are going to impose consequences on the girl's behavior. If he wants to have an unemployed girlfriend, that's his business. Let him face the consequences of his own decisions. His mom will always give to him inappropriately. That doesn't mean you have to.
SS is 21, and you are right, he never has had to face consequences. This is a pattern. And you said that correct, I didn't see it this way, that he never has to face consequences and now we want to impose consequences on the GFs behavior. His mom will continue to bail him out, as usual.

It's not him who needs to put his foot down to the girlfriend. He needs to grow up himself. Your focus is on this girl, which is not where it belongs.

Thank you, you are right.

Rose76 · Jan 11, 2016, 11:11 PM

Okay, so he gas a job and works hard. That's nice. $2500/ month is enough money for two people to survive on, even if one of them does't work . . . as long as they live simply. So he got himself an apartment he couldn't afford. (It gobbles up half of his paycheck. So, yeah, he did bite off more than he could chew. He decided he could somehow manage to support an unemployed woman. It turns out he can't . . . not at the level of comfort that he and she want to live at. So you are trying to figure out what needs to change. Why are you putting yourself in charge of doing his thinking for him?

He has meltdowns when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants. Well, isn't that too bad.

Maybe, he is not lazy. But he is obviously immature and irresponsible. And his girlfriend is the same same. These two need to wind up living in their car. That will straighten them out. But it will never happen. They have enough enablers to make it unnecessary.

Their apartment is extra nuce and beautifully furnished. So the girlfriend is probably lookimg around and thinking, "Hey, there is plenty of room here for a baby. That's what I need next. Might as well start when I'm young."

There are plenty of men with an income of $2500/month who are successfully supporting themself, a wife and a baby. It can be done with enough belt-tightening. But these two don't have to figure anything out for themselves. Her mother and his two sets of parents have taken over the job. When you prevent him from failing, you rob him of what life is willing to teach him.

Whether his wife works or not us his problem, not yours.

BTW, handing out twenty bucks, here and there, is not appropriate. And he needs a lot more than that to keep his boat afloat. Don't subsidize a stupid situation. Let them sink or swim. If her mom and his mom want to hand out money and stuff to support these two, that's between the moms and thus couple. Don't feel you have to kick in a car to keep up with the other parents. Maybe your husband feels the need to do this car thing. So let him, but hang back and stay out of the craziness. Then you'll be the one sane person in this whole farce.

jacky8807 · Jan 11, 2016, 11:46 PM

That really not a lot of money to support a family....not in the state I am from. He's still very young so idont think they need to throw him to the streets yet lol
I agree with you stepmom.....just don't help and she will have to get a job

Rose76 · Jan 12, 2016, 01:09 AM

No, it sure isn't a lot of money. But he's the one who decided he could set up a household on that meager salary. It's not up to anyone to throw him anywhere. Where was he living before he got this apartment? Maybe he needs to go back there. He needs to figure that out for himself. He needs the dignity of making his own decisions, living with the results, and figuring out what he needs to do differently.

He and the girlfriend will figure something out, if people just leave them to do that. Trying to figure out how to pressure the girlfriend is not the role anyone should be playing. She is going to do whatever she wants, and that is her right. He's the one who has to deal with that.

annabellacat · Jan 12, 2016, 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rcat

I have another stance on this. There may be a perfectly legit reason the GF doesn't work. There may be the chance she can't. Perhaps she might actually want to desperately but that she has limitations of her own. Could it be possible she has depression or anxiety issues of her own that prevent holding down a job?

I myself can't work and nothing makes me angrier than to hear people infer I don't wish to.

I realize the majority of people out there make the rather negative assumption I am lazy and would rather sponge off the system than get a job.

Great insights. On top of that,i don't see what's wrong if she just doesn't want to work. My bf when I was that age didn't require me to work. I just don't see what's wrong with someone choosing the relationship dynamics they want for themselves. I will note the downsides to that are that it can hinder growth for the woman because she then can end up not learning to become independent but the fact of the matter is,I just don't see what's wrong if she literally doesn't want to work. It's their relationship choice. If anything,i'd try and help her learn how to become independent despite not working that way no matter what she will be set up for herself.

annabellacat · Jan 12, 2016, 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I understand that if they aren't asking us for help, it isn't out business, but the minute they do, it is our business. SS has talked to us about this issue before, thereby making it our business. As for my husband it is absolutely his business as he wants the best for his son. We all want them to be successful and are happy to help but not when you aren't helping yourself.

We want to help them by discounting the price of the car and think maybe that will help motivate her in getting a job. But, I understand, if we sell them the car, it is theirs to do with what they will. No strings attached. I get that. A gift is a gift.

DH's ex called Saturday, she paid SS rent this month and he asked her for money to pay the electric and she said no. We went over there to give them their Christmas gifts and yes, we did have a talk with them. We took them to lunch and we bought them a couple weeks worth of groceries since they had nothing but bread and milk and no money. And we let them know that until GF is working and at least trying to help, there is no more financial assistance from us, and that his mother says no more from her either. (I will believe it when I see it.)

It turns out GF isn't babysitting regularly, it was just one week. She is not depressed or stupid, the house is clean, she cooks meals, so she is fully functioning. We know this. She isn't highly skilled, but did graduate high school so there is no reason for her not to work other than her lack of personal motivation. I don't think that she is using SS per se, she loves him, and he is so blinded by his love for her, that he wont put his foot down.

We are done giving financial assistance, we will see what happens next month.

I feel like selling your car is spoiling them in a negative way,like babying them.

annabellacat · Jan 12, 2016, 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I understand that if they aren't asking us for help, it isn't out business, but the minute they do, it is our business. SS has talked to us about this issue before, thereby making it our business. As for my husband it is absolutely his business as he wants the best for his son. We all want them to be successful and are happy to help but not when you aren't helping yourself.

We want to help them by discounting the price of the car and think maybe that will help motivate her in getting a job. But, I understand, if we sell them the car, it is theirs to do with what they will. No strings attached. I get that. A gift is a gift.

DH's ex called Saturday, she paid SS rent this month and he asked her for money to pay the electric and she said no. We went over there to give them their Christmas gifts and yes, we did have a talk with them. We took them to lunch and we bought them a couple weeks worth of groceries since they had nothing but bread and milk and no money. And we let them know that until GF is working and at least trying to help, there is no more financial assistance from us, and that his mother says no more from her either. (I will believe it when I see it.)

It turns out GF isn't babysitting regularly, it was just one week. She is not depressed or stupid, the house is clean, she cooks meals, so she is fully functioning. We know this. She isn't highly skilled, but did graduate high school so there is no reason for her not to work other than her lack of personal motivation. I don't think that she is using SS per se, she loves him, and he is so blinded by his love for her, that he wont put his foot down.

We are done giving financial assistance, we will see what happens next month.

I feel like they are just really bad with money from what you are describing. I see nothing wrong with buying them groceries. It's nice when family can help out and do things like that. But,selling your car i think is overboard. I don't think she is using him either. I think she just doesn't want to work and they want that relationship dynamic and you should respect that if it's what they want. It sounds to me like they just want a very old-fashioned relationship.

annabellacat · Jan 12, 2016, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I understand that if they aren't asking us for help, it isn't out business, but the minute they do, it is our business. SS has talked to us about this issue before, thereby making it our business. As for my husband it is absolutely his business as he wants the best for his son. We all want them to be successful and are happy to help but not when you aren't helping yourself.

We want to help them by discounting the price of the car and think maybe that will help motivate her in getting a job. But, I understand, if we sell them the car, it is theirs to do with what they will. No strings attached. I get that. A gift is a gift.

DH's ex called Saturday, she paid SS rent this month and he asked her for money to pay the electric and she said no. We went over there to give them their Christmas gifts and yes, we did have a talk with them. We took them to lunch and we bought them a couple weeks worth of groceries since they had nothing but bread and milk and no money. And we let them know that until GF is working and at least trying to help, there is no more financial assistance from us, and that his mother says no more from her either. (I will believe it when I see it.)

It turns out GF isn't babysitting regularly, it was just one week. She is not depressed or stupid, the house is clean, she cooks meals, so she is fully functioning. We know this. She isn't highly skilled, but did graduate high school so there is no reason for her not to work other than her lack of personal motivation. I don't think that she is using SS per se, she loves him, and he is so blinded by his love for her, that he wont put his foot down.

We are done giving financial assistance, we will see what happens next month.

Your not going to make her get a job. You are just going to strain your relationship by judging them. This is just my guess of course...If you don't want to help anymore,then don't but I think making the gf the reason you don't is NOT going to change her into getting a job and will only cause resentment. You are judging way too harshly and I understand where your coming from but it's not going to make a difference. They know what they want. They just don't know how to handle their finances and are a bit spoiled. They'll probably find some other way to make things ends meet without her getting a job if you stick to your ultimatum.

TerriLynn · Jan 12, 2016, 10:00 AM

Oh, btw, I was wrong about SS amount of income. He is actually only bringing in about 1400 mth. So they are living WAY above their means. Rent is 1000, car is 180, insurance is 200.

And no, they are not "old fashioned" where he wants her to be a stay at home mom/wife. Yes, she wants to be taken care of, but SS has repeatedly told her she needs to get a job. But, he isn't making it number one priority, so I will let them worry about it.

JustJenny · Jan 12, 2016, 10:16 AM

Is the girl's mother working?

TerriLynn · Jan 12, 2016, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJenny

Is the girl's mother working?

Yes, she works. Turns out GF's stepfather kicked her out of the house about a year after high school because she wouldn't get a job or go to school there either.

JustJenny · Jan 12, 2016, 10:50 AM

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. Let me repeat myself - my cousin is married to a man who decided not to work for no apparent reason. She thought he would change but he didn't. Their son is 4 now.

I think if you feel obliged to help them you can "pay" them with food and no cash whatsoever. That will save them from starvation.

Sorry, cannot really help much...

Bill3 · Jan 12, 2016, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Turns out GF's stepfather kicked her out of the house about a year after high school because she wouldn't get a job or go to school there either.

This information does not change the fact that the situation is SS's issue/problem to address as he sees fit.

divine1966 · Jan 12, 2016, 01:17 PM

It is easy to say " don't judge". It concerns op because it concerns her husband. What kind of marriage would that be if whatever bothered her husband would be of no significance for the wife? Not like they are roommates. They are married!

I sure hope SS would not get married or that they don't live in common law marriage state or he'll stuck with alimony.

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Bill3 · Jan 12, 2016, 01:43 PM

Of course people care and are concerned and worried.

A person can be caring, concerned, and worried about a situation and still realize that intervening would be imprudent and inappropriate.

jacky8807 · Jan 12, 2016, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Of course people care and are concerned and worried.

A person can be caring, concerned, and worried about a situation and still realize that intervening would be imprudent and inappropriate.

Agreed but then don't ask for money.when you ask to be supported you are asking for others to be in yoyr business
Don't intervene and don't give money

annabellacat · Jan 12, 2016, 06:36 PM

Well,if he wants her to get a job and she won't then i'm just really confused. Again,i'd just detach from the situation. Agree to things you are ok with and don't pay for others. Maybe offer financial and life guidance to them as well.

DBTDiva · Jan 13, 2016, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

My step son is 21 and lives with his girlfriend of 4 years. They have been living together for about 2 of those. She is 21.

SS works full time and makes ok money(about 2500 mth) for not being a college grad and being 21. His mother has spoiled him though, so he has a really hard time working and waiting to acquire the things he wants. He wants them NOW, and has a melt down when he doesn't get them. So he is driving around in a newer Nissan 350z, has several accidents so insurance is really high. His mother helped him buy it and he has a car payment. We (his dad and I), tried to convince him to get something where he wouldn't have a payment. But he gets what he wants.

SS and GF moved into a new apartment in August, his mother and her mother came down and bought them a whole apartment full of brand new furniture, and helped them get a very expensive apartment. The rent is $1000 mth, and in this area, this is really pretty high, they easily could have had a decent place for $700.

GF does not work. Well, she just started babysitting at home, 3 kids for $80 week! She is getting completely ripped off! She doesn't have a car and SS doesn't want her to have to walk to work, but there is a shopping center and restaurants right across the street. She could easily walk to a part time job over there and make a lot more than what she is doing. She just has no motivation to do anything. She has no interest in working at all. We mentioned to her probably a year ago, that she needed to get on the ball and get a job.

The last couple of months SS's mother has been helping them pay the rent, I don't know by how much, but yesterday she called DH and told him what was going on and asked that he talk to them cause she cant afford to keep paying the rent for them.

DH and I bought a new truck last month and were going to sell the little car we have, but thought it would help if we sold it to SS and GF for about half of what we could really get for it, that way she couldn't use the "I don't have a car" excuse for not having a job.

Saturday we are going to see them to give them Christmas presents, and we are going to talk with them about GF getting a job. We are getting really fed up with her not helping SS with bills and just living off of him.

Any suggestions?

I haven't read the other answers so, sorry if this is similar. My suggestion is to stay out of your stepson's personal life. None of this is any of your business. Your husband (I think that is what DH means?) needs to tell his son's mom that she needs to deal with them directly if she wants to stop giving them money. You two do not need to be in the middle of this. Your stepson is 21, if he wants his gf to get a job he needs to talk to her about it. He does not need his parents to talk to her about it. You do not know what the two of them have discussed. It is none of your business what she does with her time or how much of the bills she pays, unless she asks you for money and makes it your business.

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Son's Girlfriend wont get a job

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