Son's Girlfriend wont get a job

My step son is 21 and lives with his girlfriend of 4 years. They have been living together for about 2 of those. She is 21.

SS works full time and makes ok money(about 2500 mth) for not being a college grad and being 21. His mother has spoiled him though, so he has a really hard time working and waiting to acquire the things he wants. He wants them NOW, and has a melt down when he doesn't get them. So he is driving around in a newer Nissan 350z, has several accidents so insurance is really high. His mother helped him buy it and he has a car payment. We (his dad and I), tried to convince him to get something where he wouldn't have a payment. But he gets what he wants.

SS and GF moved into a new apartment in August, his mother and her mother came down and bought them a whole apartment full of brand new furniture, and helped them get a very expensive apartment. The rent is $1000 mth, and in this area, this is really pretty high, they easily could have had a decent place for $700.

GF does not work. Well, she just started babysitting at home, 3 kids for $80 week! She is getting completely ripped off! She doesn't have a car and SS doesn't want her to have to walk to work, but there is a shopping center and restaurants right across the street. She could easily walk to a part time job over there and make a lot more than what she is doing. She just has no motivation to do anything. She has no interest in working at all. We mentioned to her probably a year ago, that she needed to get on the ball and get a job.

The last couple of months SS's mother has been helping them pay the rent, I don't know by how much, but yesterday she called DH and told him what was going on and asked that he talk to them cause she cant afford to keep paying the rent for them.

DH and I bought a new truck last month and were going to sell the little car we have, but thought it would help if we sold it to SS and GF for about half of what we could really get for it, that way she couldn't use the "I don't have a car" excuse for not having a job.

Saturday we are going to see them to give them Christmas presents, and we are going to talk with them about GF getting a job. We are getting really fed up with her not helping SS with bills and just living off of him.

Any suggestions?

first off, W O W !!

i completely see where you're coming from, BUT i would say do not stress too hard on your SS GF getting a job and helping because if he does not want her to live off him he would put a stop to it. she has gotten content in her position because HE is not making her move from it, so to her and possibly him , you and DH and his mother's opinion really doesn't matter, first of all , if he makes roughly 2500 a mth , wth is he doing with his money, that's his mothers problem she created a problem and now that is hurting her she is calling for help. NO ! NO WAY ! he needs to get off his grown behind and pay his own bills, i would not come out of my pocket and out of my household UNLESS it was emergency, if he wanted to live with and off of mommy he should have stayed home. im 22 years old and pay my own rent and dont ask my mother or in laws for a dime EVER !! Why ?! because when i thought i was ready to move out they laid it on the line , my checks go to my bills and whats left i leave for myself.

so i would say if his own mother does not put a stop to it or DH doesnt do anything, wash your hands with it. dont stress , just when/ if it comes to the point where he has to move back in , they will see what you were saying.

You are completely right, this is a problem that his mother CREATED. And yes, in the end, our opinions don't really count, he is going to do what he wants. He has been ok, not TERRIBLY upset about her not working because he is very needy and wants her there at his beck and call, and she is happy to be.

His rent is 1000, car 300, insurance probably 300, utilities are probably 200 total and then gas and groceries. So yeah, even then, he shouldn't be having to get his mom to pay any of the rent. I don't know what he is doing with his money.

I am not stressing about it, which is pretty amazing because usually these thing flip me out. But THANK YOU! You are right! His mother created this mess and now she wants US to help her get out of it!!!

Ugh, now I am pissed at her! LOL!

I don't think it's any of your business. Let them work it out. What's wrong with the mom providing if that's what she wants? Maybe she WANTS to do that? I can understand if it's straining you to discuss the issue a little bit in constructive ways but even still it's not right for you to force her to get a job. She also is only 21? Maybe she's still figuring herself out and what she wants to do. She is babysitting so she is trying something at least. I DO think it's a concern if they are having trouble affording their rent,though. That is an issue. Nothing wrong with having a nice apartment..but if they can't afford it,that is an issue. The car accidents thing,is also an issue,too. I can see why you have some concerns but other things,i feel you are being too controlling/nosy. If she wants to live off him,what is wrong with that? If he is ok with that,why are you judging? I think you need to be less judgemental. He does seem spoiled from what you say.I do see some issues.

Don't sell your car for half price!


They're adults, let them figure it out, and mommy dearest must learn to tame the monster she created on her own.


These situations very easily turn into repetitive cycles. Next month they'll expect help for rent / utilities, when they're probably spending all their money on non essentials.


Sacrificing half your car's worth is only an emergency solution...


Last time I checked lazy and living above your means wasn't an emergency.


Keep your nose clean, its best

A) it is nobody else's responsibility to support these people and B) It is none of anyone's business if the girlfriend does not work full time. (She actually does work, as a babysitter, but its not full time).

They are 21 so they are legal adults and I would let this go. You cannot control them.

I know a man who has been married to a woman who NEVER worked since they got married (15 years ago), even when he went through long term unemployment. I used to give her all kinds of advice, it went in one ear and out the other. I finally just figured it is none of my business anyway. What I've learned is that people who don't like working, won't work no matter what they are told. Sometimes they won't work even if they go through extreme poverty. It is what it is.

You do NOT HAVE TO GIVE THEM MONEY.

1). Give them no money.

2). Don't sell them your car at half price.

3). Cut the apron strings.

These "kids" are now adults. It's time for tough love. Part of being an adult is learning how to live within a budget. If your SS didn't have that car/whatever, they could probably easily afford 2 used cars. Don't sell them your car for half the value. This is called enabling. You would be helping them be dysfunctional.

If you don't let them learn the hard way, they will never learn. This may include debt, bankruptcy and such, but again, they are adults.

The kids mom helped create this problem. Tell her tough, it's not your job to bail them out. If they are living above their means, it's time for them to crack down, get a cheaper car, get a cheaper apartment and eat ramen.

That is the whole point, We were not involved and weren't planning to be, the mother called US because she wants us to talk to them. She has been paying their rent and sending money, and she says she cant keep doing it. They CANNOT afford the rent on that place if the GF doesn't work. SS's mother said she only told them she would help until GF got working, which was supposed to be right away. That GF got a job right away was part of the deal.

GF is an adult and is mooching off of my step son. They are not married, they have no kids, she just doesn't want to work. She wants to be taken care of and he doesn't make enough money to do that. Hey, if he wanted a stay at home wife, that would be fine, but that isn't what he signed up for.

Don't want to scare you, but let me tell you a story...

My cousin wanted a man very desperately. Not just a bf, she wanted to get married and have children. She is educated and rather hard working. She met this guy online and they clicked. He was not working and was still living with his parents although he was in his late 20s. He seemed smart. They got married and had a child together.

Now the child is 3 years old, they still live in his parent's place with his parents and he is not working and not planning to get a work. Nobody knows what his issues are because he doesn't want to go to therapy.

I would advice not to give them money and see what they do.

Hope they are using very aggressive birth control

TerriLynn, I understand that the girl's mother is worried, but it is not your problem. If they want to reinforce her behavior (i.e. of not working) it's their decision.

I hope your step son doesn't start looking for a second job just to meet the ends... that would be unfair.

Essentially the mom has created this problem and wants you/your husband to fix it. Tell her sorry, but she has to fix her own problems. Tell her sorry, but you aren't willing to take over responsibility for a situation she created. Tell her sorry, but she needs to talk to her son herself and not drag other people into the situation.

Maybe she's just a misguided mom who wanted the best for her son. Maybe she forgets what its like to be young and learning how to budget your money. Your SS and his GF may have been steered wrong by the mom, but in the end, its up to them to fix it since they're adults and they are legally responsible for paying rent, etc. (Uhm I hope the mom isn't on the lease, is she?) Maybe its time for someone to have the tough love conversation with your SS. Is he really....I mean REALLY aware that this girl is just using him? Or is the whole love/attraction thing clouding his judgment?

Breaking the lease may tarnish his credit, but in the end he could break free of this girl who is using him (which could be very much worth it). It sounds like this girl isn't going to get a job. I think a heart to heart with your SS is due....let him know what he's facing with this girl...let him know that you will be there for him (emotionally) but that you cannot give him money. It wouldn't be fair to you and your husband to essentially have to fund this girls laziness.

Seriously, and this is meant kindly, how is this any of your business? She is an adult, as is your step-son. If she chooses not to work, that is her business. If he chooses to accept her not working, that is his business. To me, this looks like poor choices on both their parts, but as adults they have the right to make choices - even poor ones.

I have children slightly older than your step-son, so I do understand wanting the best for our children and cringing when they make what we consider to be mistakes but it is from our mistakes that we learn and grow. You have made your position clear to both of them - you think she should work. Any further discussion on the matter will cause them to dig in their heels and breed resentment.

Speaking of resentment - can you imagine yours if you sell them the car for half of what you could get for it and she still doesn't get a job? Or they sell the car for what you could have got for it to pay their future bills? If you sell it to them, it is theirs to do with as they please.

I see how frustrating this must be, it would drive me insane. But everyone else is right, it's not really your problem. And yes, maybe his mum shouldn't have asked you to talk to them, but maybe she's desperate for help.

I would suggest his parents sit down with him (maybe you could get her out of the way for them?) and explain that they can't keep helping him with money on a regular basis, so he is going to have to work out something permanent because it feels like you're paying this girls salary for her not to work.

And then let them make their own minds up. But if people keep giving them money they are going to start relying on it and struggle to manage without it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have another stance on this. There may be a perfectly legit reason the GF doesn't work. There may be the chance she can't. Perhaps she might actually want to desperately but that she has limitations of her own. Could it be possible she has depression or anxiety issues of her own that prevent holding down a job?

I myself can't work and nothing makes me angrier than to hear people infer I don't wish to.

I realize the majority of people out there make the rather negative assumption I am lazy and would rather sponge off the system than get a job.

I have actually thought of this angle too, but no way can I imagine being too depressed to work, yet able to care for babies / children....


That's so demanding and quite frankly a thankless job. What with the crying, the screaming, the tantrums, the dirty diapers, feeding time, play time, nap time, potty training.... Etc etc etc


I'm sorry, but when I'm depressed I can barely clean my own bum, let alone clean someone else's on demand.


I'm a single mom, and I thank God my mother was so hands on with my daughter when I was in the depths of depressive hell.

I don't understand it. If she is so depressed that she can't work she doesn't need to live in apartment for 1k. If she is so depressed and anxious that she cannot hold a job how come she is ok babysitting. And if her depression prevents her from working she needs to apply for disability and contribute to the household

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

If she's depressed and can't work, then she shouldn't be living in such an expensive apartment. I'm on disability myself but I don't live beyond my means. I also agree that if she has a reason why she can't work, ie anxiety or depression, I don't see how she can engage in babysitting activities. Chances are that if she had a MI, someone would know something. That is, when it gets to the point of being unable to work, its not something you can hide from the world. (And I argue that if you can hide it, your situation isn't that serious as you cannot hide deficits in functioning ability.)

You are worrying about a whole bunch of stuff that is absolutely none of your business and, in no way, your responsibility.

This whole extended family has no sense of appropriate boundaries.

As stepmom, your job us to be polite to your husband's son. Step aside and let these blood kin work things out however they will. I guarantee you it will be crazy, but zero reason for you to get involved.

I kind of disagree that isn't her business. It could become her business if her husband starts contributing their money or worse they come live with dad and stepmom!

That what happened with my ex catering to his failure to launch nightmare adult daughter! Contributed to demise of our life together. Fast forward she still lives with him and he is miserable as she is a total nightmare but I moved on to happy life.

Failure to launch adult kids could create all kind of troubles to a couple

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

What follows is, of course, just my opinion:

The decisions her stepson and girlfriend make remain none of her business. As for her husband...well, you seem to imply here that her husband might make unilateral decisions about finances and living arrangements independent of his wife. If you are correct, and that is a possibility, then you are correct, the OP would have a problem - but the problem would be with her husband - not the stepson or girlfriend.

Oh I know it would be problem with him not kids. I am just saying overall I could see how it could concern her because when people are married it can't be a potential problem regardless whose kids these are.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You raise a good point, and I absolutely agree with you, in that regard. I was basing what I said on the premise that this step-son is already launched and unlikely to try and move in with her and her husband. (But you never know.) It was sounding to me like he soaks his mother, but has been unable to get his father into that position. (But you never know.)

Like with her husband selling the car: She might have a reasonable basis to object to that, if the car were very valuable, or they were in tough straights, financially. However, if she and her husband are okay, financially, and this car is not a Lamborghini, then she would be ever so wise to stay completely out of that transaction.

Congratulations on the way things turned out for you. Sounds like you made a wise decision to exit an irrepairably dysfunctional family situation.

I understand that if they aren't asking us for help, it isn't out business, but the minute they do, it is our business. SS has talked to us about this issue before, thereby making it our business. As for my husband it is absolutely his business as he wants the best for his son. We all want them to be successful and are happy to help but not when you aren't helping yourself.

We want to help them by discounting the price of the car and think maybe that will help motivate her in getting a job. But, I understand, if we sell them the car, it is theirs to do with what they will. No strings attached. I get that. A gift is a gift.

DH's ex called Saturday, she paid SS rent this month and he asked her for money to pay the electric and she said no. We went over there to give them their Christmas gifts and yes, we did have a talk with them. We took them to lunch and we bought them a couple weeks worth of groceries since they had nothing but bread and milk and no money. And we let them know that until GF is working and at least trying to help, there is no more financial assistance from us, and that his mother says no more from her either. (I will believe it when I see it.)

It turns out GF isn't babysitting regularly, it was just one week. She is not depressed or stupid, the house is clean, she cooks meals, so she is fully functioning. We know this. She isn't highly skilled, but did graduate high school so there is no reason for her not to work other than her lack of personal motivation. I don't think that she is using SS per se, she loves him, and he is so blinded by his love for her, that he wont put his foot down.

We are done giving financial assistance, we will see what happens next month.

Is your step-son working himself? Two salaries is nice and pretty much the norm these days, but, if his wages don't even allow them to have food in the refrigerator, then what business do they have "playing house," like they are an independent couple?

He is lazy and irresponsible. So the girl he has attracted as a partner is lazy, too. Oh, what a surprise. Neither one of them is going to grow up, while they have relatives paying their way in life.

So, when the girlfriend gets a job, then you are willing to help them more? Why? All this help is nonsense. Giving gifts to a young couple starting out is fine, but not when they seem to have no responsibility to do anything for themselves.

Everyone is infantilizing this young man. The main goal seems to be to get the girl to join in and take care of him also. You say she needs "to help." To help what? If this young man can't pay his rent, then it would be best for him to lose the apartment. Then he can move back in with his mom, or go to a homeless shelter, or find a sugar mama to support him, or do whatever. That's his problem to figure out. Both sets of parents are trying to figure out how to keep his lifestyle afloat. That's not your job. That's his job. Sometimes, people need to fail. He had no business getting this apartment. He can't afford it. Let him fail. He'll learn something. You all are making it impossible for him to learn anything, other than how to sponge off of people. Forget about what the girlfriend is or isn't doing. He's got no business living with any girl. Before you know it, there'll be a baby in the picture. That will be because you all are enabling something that shouldn't be happening.

When he asks your husband for help, the answer should be: "No, Son. You need to support yourself. If you can't, then maybe you need to consider a career as a gigolo. Find a well-off woman who will pay for the joy of having you around." Is he very good-looking? Does he have loads of charm? If not, then maybe this loser girlfriend is the best he could attract.

In any case, maintaining his lifestyle should be his problem. How is he going to afford insurance on the car, when he can't even pay the rent and keep the lights on? How can he pay anything for this car?

If your husband doesn't have a history of taking from your household budget to fund his son, then you really don't have a gripe. What bio-mom does is her business. When and if your husband starts spending significant money on paying your son's expenses, then you will have something to be concerned about.

I can't help but wonder - How old is this stepson? More than likely, his character is formed and trying to sponge off of people is his way of getting by. He's probably going to always do that to whatever extent he can get away with. His mom enables this approach to life, and she is unlikely to change, either . . . as you have figured out yourself. You and your husband can "have a talk with them" till you're blue in the face. That won't change anything. This guy never gets to face any consequences to anything. So now you've decided you are going to impose consequences on the girl's behavior. If he wants to have an unemployed girlfriend, that's his business. Let him face the consequences of his own decisions. His mom will always give to him inappropriately. That doesn't mean you have to.

It's not him who needs to put his foot down to the girlfriend. He needs to grow up himself. Your focus is on this girl, which is not where it belongs.