Story of my life...feeling so low

I know a few of you know me from past posts and will know that I have been in search of love since my on and off ex. Well, recently I met the most wonderful guy and I really thought life had turned around for me and I began to see quite possibly why it hadn’t worked out with any of the others. I met him online, he is 39 and had been with his ex wife (although they aren’t officially divorced) for 20 years and they have 3 children. He said straight away that he would love more children and the dream for him would be to get married again and have more kids. He is a successful businessman and could be quite domineering and used to getting what he wants. We really hit it off on our first date and he kept saying how amazing I was and that I was such a great catch, he would never let me go etc. He seemed so smitten and whisked me away for the weekend after only a few weeks of dating. We booked this amazing hotel and he paid for everything (I never saw the final bill, but the hotel was £500 for 2 nights alone and we had dinner and breakfast on top) I kept saying that I didn’t expect this and didn’t want him to spend that sort of money, but he just kept saying that he had not met anyone like me and he wanted to take me away to somewhere really special as we’d both been through a really tough time. The one thing that did make me think, but I didn’t react to it at the time, as ‘love is blind’ so they say, is that I mentioned something and he turned around and said ‘Don’t f**king argue with me’. I wasn’t even arguing with him and just made a passing comment.

After that weekend, things just kept getting better and he was mentioning booking somewhere for his 40th in July and could I research things and send him some hotels over etc. He kept saying how much he missed me and everytime we were together he would say that it couldn’t wait till XXX to see me as it was too long. He was due to move into a new place in March and kept asking whether I would come over and spend time with him there and decorate the place for him and make it homely.

Then this weekend just gone, everything changed….we had an amazing evening on Friday and he was saying that he wanted to meet my parents (especially my Dad) Saturday evening as he was planning on sticking around for a long time, we had a great night and I remember feeling the happiest I have ever in a long time. He was also mentioning Mexico and we went to an Italian restaurant and he was saying that we have to go to Italy together. Then on Saturday morning his little boy phoned him and asked what time he was picking him up. He said that it wasn’t today and he had originally planned to take his little boy to Rugby on Sunday and then see me in the afternoon.
He went downstairs to talk to him and I could hear most of it, but he just said that tomorrow he would take him out for pancakes and play Fifa with him after Rugby (which I assumed meant he wouldn’t see me) When he came back upstairs I said that if his little boy was upset that I really didn’t mind if he wanted to go and see him there and then, but he said that was really sweet of me, but he would see him tomorrow.

I guess I was a little quiet after that as I wasn’t going to see him for ages, but I wasn’t moody or anything. We went for breakfast and attempted to go into town, but the tube was shut, so all in all, my day was going from bad to worse. We went back to his and just watched weird stuff he put on TV and said that I didn’t seem myself. I just said that I was bit anxious about things and that I really liked him (which I know I shouldn’t have said, but he was saying very intense stuff too) and that I was worried whether I would ever match up to his ex wife. I also said that I was a bit upset that I would have to spend Valentines alone and then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath (as if he was annoyed) and said ‘So this is what it’s all about’ I said that I was happy for him to see his son, but I wasn’t going to see him for over a week (as he is in San Fran on business until Friday ) and then he has his kids all weekend) so I thought seeing him for a few hours as originally planned would be nice. I asked if he wanted me to go as he seemed cold and kept going out for a cigarette and leaving me in the house and he said that he needed to be alone for a few hours and that we can start a fresh that evening. He said he would text me when he was leaving (I got a bit upset as I knew I wouldn’t see him again and I know I shouldn’t have) and so I drove home crying. Sure enough, I got a text a few hours later saying ‘Sweetheart, I was a little put off by what happened today and so I’m going to have a quiet night at home. Hope you understand and that I don’t want to fight or upset you’ I just replied saying that I understood and then (stupidly) asked if he wanted it to be over? Also apologised for being like I was and wished I’d never said anything. He then ignored those texts and didn’t speak to me all evening and Valentine’s day. Finally he text me on Monday just to say “I’m really sorry, but I just don’t think we are right for each other. You’re a great person and obviously very beautiful and I’m really sorry things didn’t work out”

I really didn’t feel that one conversation would put him off, especially after what he was saying to me, but I guess I was all wrong. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. I feel so lost now and I don’t think I will ever find anyone like him again. Everytime, this seems to happen to me, so I think it’s me and that I should just give up.

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Only Human, (((hugs))). It is difficult for a man who was married for a long time and still in touch with his ex wife over a child to want a new relationship. His children still tie him into the old one and especially if he is on good terms. You will always be compared to his ex or a suppliment to whether you want to be or not. We all do it honestly. You have to accept his ending it because he is speaking the truth. Don't see yourself as not having a right to express how you felt to him. I have learned any man with an ex in the picture or a mention of her you will never win. I hope that you heal and in time look to the future with new found hope of meeting someone worthy of you. be blessed and tc

You should not give up but maybe pay attention to some signs. Take some time and when you feel better continue your search but do take things slow. You deserve the best

Here are my thoughts

1. He is married, no matter separated or not. He is unavailable

2. After that short period of dating it's advisable to not become intimate ( hope you use protection), do not travel and do not stay in hotels together. You have to get to know each other first before all that. It us in fact dangerous to be intimate with people you barely know

3. He is violent, he barely knows you yet commands to not argue plus he uses profanity, he is bad news

4. You already can't be alone without him for only a week, this isn't love but infatuation. You barely know him

5. If a man moves that fast he is not interested in anything deep or life long and most likely just wants to get into woman's pants. Staying in each other houses sleeping together etc too soon

6. I don't think one conversation put him off. He is just bad news all together.

Don't give up. Look for available men and take things slow. If they don't want to wait and rush you, they are wrong for you

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I disagree with omega about being on good terms with exes. I am on good terms with my ex husband and co parented our daughter well. It doesn't make us unavailable for other people. He is happily married and I am engaged. I am not comparing my ex to anyone. Just being on good terms with exes doesn't make person not good for commitment. This man isn't divorced yet though so that's an issue right there

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Thank you both for your replies.

Divine1966, I'm not saying I loved him and yes, I guess it was infatuation to a certain extent, but I really felt a close connection with him and saw a future. He said that he didn't think we were right for each other, but the day before that he was saying how much he wanted to meet my parents as he was planning on being around for a long time...also, we had so much in common even down to our beliefs and background, I just don't see why he would say that..

He wasn't violent, but he did seem slightly aggressive in his expressions at times. However, he was a doting father and had a very loving nature, so I guess I glossed over that.

It's not that I can't be alone without him (I have spent a lot of time on my own in the past) but I just miss him so much and miss hearing from everyday, just the little things like a text every morning saying 'good morning beautiful'

I just really don't think I will ever meet someone like him again. I've met people in the past, but nothing felt like this.

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Oh you will meet the right person. If he was right you two would be together. It doesn't really matter what he was saying. People say a lot of things. It doesn't really matter why people do what they do. You can only control what you do.

Hang in there. Sure you miss him but it hasn't been long enough. You will move on.

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Thank you Divine1966. I just feel so strange at the moment and like my life is falling apart. Work is not going so well, some friends aren't being supportive and I just feel that I will never be happy like I was again.

I really feel so lost and hopeless. If just seems that I've been given chances and I keep messing them up, perhaps this was my last chance....

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That man you are describing sounds a little bit like a player to me... He knew exactly what to say and do to get you fall for him. Expensive stuff, wanting to meet your parents, showering you with compliments... His aggressive bits is a big red flag. Something is not right here.

And I agree with divine.

Don't be sad

Thank you JustJenny. He said on his profile that he was not looking for hook ups though and was a family man, so I really felt that I could trust him not to string me along. His dream is to have more children and get married again and I'm sure he will, just not with me obviously.

I feel so weird right now and that with everything else going on, life feels so bleak. I don't think I'll ever be truly happy in love and I don't want to live that life anymore, just this constant rollercoaster

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You keep repeating that he said this and that. Surely you know by now that people don't always say what they think?. Right?

Him saying his dream is this or that doesn't mean that's true. Of course it doesn't say he look for hook ups. Who says that? Clearly he has to say he is looking for relationship. Otherwise he won't get any one to respond. You should go by what people do not what they say per se. His actions do indicate he wasn't serious but went for hookup perhaps on
rebound.

Seriously inclined man wouldn't have sex that soon or spend that much money on hotels with total strangers. He would be dating you and getting to know you slowly by building friendship first not climbing to bed before he even knows a woman.

First of all he is still married so it's not appropriate for him even be on dating sites. And he is extremely rude. I don't even see what's great about him. Things he said? It doesn't mean anything

I agree with Jenny that he is a player. So no he is not your soul mate whatsoever

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I know. I guess it just felt nice to be wanted and happy at the prospect of a future for me, maybe it wasn't him as such, but more what it represented.

I just feel that I'll never be lucky in relationships and as much as I'm good on my own and life isn't all about having a partner, I just don't want to spend it alone forever and keep going through this emotional turbulence. I'm sick of it and surely I deserve some luck.

I just feel suicidal because I know life is never going to change for me and I don't want to be alone forever

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Please see a doctor about feeling suicidal. You also would benefit from therapy so you can figure out your attraction to unavailable and not so good men. It will get better. It is not about luck though. You got to figure things out and look for red flags and not get entangled too soon. You keep repeating same thing but are you looking into red flags? This man was full of red flags! Be glad it ended soon!

It took me years to figure out attraction to unavailable men

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I am seeing a therapist, but I feel this has been the same old story for so long. I'm just growing tired of it and I'm exhausted. I guess I don't always see the red flags as I so desperately want to be happy in love and I gloss over things thinking it could be me overreacting. I have no self worth and blame myself for everything, I've tried to love myself but when I look at where I am, I hate myself

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Only_Human1983, take care of yourself. Things will get better (Spring is coming - I know it for sure ).

I'd stay away from this guy. He's a manipulator, sounds potentially abusive and not to be trusted.

You don't need to put yourself in harm's way with guys like this. Do you have a therapist? I'd discuss this with her or him. Even reading books about healthy relationships could help some.

Well he's gone now and I doubt he'll ever contact me again.

I have a therapist and I am an avid self help book reader, but I've done this all so many times that I'm growing tired of having to pick myself up. I just want to end it all and never feel that I'll find love.

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(((((Only_Human1983)))))

Please tell your therapist about your current suicidal thinking.

You can find help and support anytime by phone or email from the Samaritans:

Contact us | Samaritans

We are here for you

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Thank you so much. It's so nice feeling like I can tell people my inner most thoughts. Everything just feels so black and I can't see myself getting to a happy place again.

A week ago I felt like a different person and can't believe that was my life.

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Well that was an illusion not true happiness so now you can start looking for true happiness if you are more careful and thoughtful as you go through the process. Things will be better

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You said you'll never find someone like him, and I say you don't want someone like him, but a much better and nicer man.

You need to organize your cards first, though. It seems that you throw yourself to the slightest opportunity out of despair. This will always end in bad situations.

You need to reason more, and to do that you need a strong will, which needs an emotional detachment from others, which in turn needs you to love and accept yourself.

Unfortunate fact is that many men are manipulative to satisfy their raging desires, and many innocent women fall to that.

Be well, and be careful next time.

I agree with Nickname. The OP is the constant in this situation. Proceed slowly with the next man who comes along. You are to be treated decently and with respect. Any man who doesn't do this isn't worth associating with.

i agree with devine 1966

Thank you to everybody.

I just feel like such a failure and that I'll never make a relationship last. I'm not a bad person and I don't feel I'm bad to be with, so k just don't know why my heart keeps getting broken and it's wearing me down.

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When was your last heartbreak and how long were you together? Sorry to read you're at a low point, right now.

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