Hate to keep bothering you but I'm still having a little trouble

Still struggling over this latest love disappointment. I know a lot of you have told me to move on and get to know somebody my own age but it's just a struggle to get this stuff out of my head. I told you I was retired and I really don't need these negative thoughts churning - I think I'm still in love and damn I don't want to be. I've tried to keep busy and that helps but the obsessiveness is going to kill me. I know I shouldn't have got myself into this mess but it's too late and I'm kinda paralyzed. Hell she's 37 years younger than me and I can't shake her. Also, I keep playing that tape of her with her new man - it's very abusive. Everytime I think I'm pulling out of it a bit I start doing that circular thinking again and bam I'm back to square one - I don't know if I can take it! I need a friend I can talk to about this which I don't really have. I tried to talk to my neighbor but we're not that close. Wow my head is not in a good place. Thanks.

there is no magic cure to get someone out of your head. Basically you're in mourning and you can't rush the steps of grief. Even if you didn't get to date you mourn what could have been. What you thought was going to happen. It hurts and it is a loss. I'm sorry for what you are going through

Maybe she is symbolic to you of your youth, fear of death, grasping for what you didn't have in your youth.

I recall your previous posts about this relationship. You had nothing with her, she was just an acquaintance.

Could you list off for us all the stuff you have been doing with your time? You never say what you are doing to help yourself. This makes it really hard for us to help give you suggestions.

Have you gone to a counsellor about this? It's really a very unhealthy fixation/obsession. We all go through unrequited love at some point, but you seem to be taking it to the extreme. A professional will be able to help you better than we can.

Like, you're taking this harder than I've taken break ups - I've always been the one dumped, and always by surprise. And I take them hard. A professional might be able to help you understand why you got so fixated on such a young girl, who never did anything to lead you on or showed signs of sexual interest, who you now feel even more fixated on with a broken heart.

Well I've been trying to do some artwork and post it online. I've been getting some feedback on the artwork and it is generally good. Also I've been going for long walks and stopping at a coffee shop trying to interact with people - this has mixed results. Yes my obsession is scary, I think because of the years alone I spent that there is a ton of pent up frustration. And yes I have thought about seeing a counsellor (a have a doctor who prescribes my drugs and does talk therapy but I haven't called her yet). Psyche-wise I don't think I'm healthy - I get paralyzed mentally so easily. I just feel so different from other people in a not so good way. I was doing okay until last night and for some reason thoughts of her hit me hard again. I feel so helpless. Thanks

Wasn't coffee shops where you met, or at least where you primarily interacted, with her? Coffee shops are great places to go to work on your own yet being near people. They are great places to go with friends. They're not as good for meeting new people.

Especially if the location reminds you of the person you are trying to forget.

Did you ever try to look in to finding things specifically for people who are retired?

Art is nice, glad you're getting feedback. But it also gives you time to dwell in your thoughts sometimes. Same with walking - it's great but also won't occupy your mind too much. Plus you're likely to see couples which probably doesn't help to see as you're walking alone. Why not find a walking group? Or join an art class? Then you are doing things you enjoy and have an opportunity to interact with people!

Hello again Mac, no need to apologise you are not bothering anyone - that is what this community is here for.

I'm so sorry you are suffering in this way, I definitely would encourage you to pursue the therapy option, it might help or might not but you'll never know unless you try.

The thing is I was never really in a relationship - it was just conversation. That makes it twice as bad because I never received any real benefits (support). It's all made up in my head!

Sounds to me like an infatuation turned obsession. I had that happen once. In fact, I still sometimes let my mind wander to the "good" memories we shared, before the obsession turned him away and I was left....well, confused and hurt and wondering what the hell happened.

Best advice I can offer is to keep busy and distract yourself whenever you catch your mind wandering to those memories. Remember to live in the present, and to make the present worth living in.

Is your counselor clear on the fact that there was never a relationship to mourn here?

I think you need to contact whoever prescribes your medication and be very clear that you have developed at least 2 unhealthy obsessions with people who you never had a relationship with.

It's possible you need a medication change and/or serious therapy on how to interact with young women without turning it into an obsession.

One of my original thoughts was to tell you to volunteer somewhere to cut down on your free time to think, but you are likely to come into contact with young women almost anywhere and unless you fix the problem this is going to go on and on.

Yes, I feel like a criminal or stalker and that's not good. Thing is I'm just really skeptical of therapy because I've done it before - it's like you're paying somebody to be your friend and I hate that. Also, I fear a lengthy learning process because I'm getting old. It's all self defeating but so it goes. You're right I fear going out there again because it's a damn minefield for me.

Well, we pay people for pleasant service all the time - take the coffee shops you visit for example, why should therapy be any different?

Break ups are hard regardless who left who. In your case though there was never s relationship so I don't really see how it's helpful for people to tell you they understand that break ups hurt. There was no break up. I think it's important to tell you pdoc that you are obsessing over women with whom you never had a relationship.

Also the fact that this women are more than 30 years younger than you. Repeatedly. I also wonder about coffee places, sounds like might be another obsession as you always meet them in coffee places and they seem to be working there. And you keep going there

I am not sure what's your diagnosis but you got to do something about it.

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You're old, and getting older. Is thinking and obsessing what you want, or to do something that stops your regrets from this moment on? In space we can move backward and in all directions, but in time all that we're given is moving forward. Think about that. Time doesn't stop if we stop living our lives. It's a moving train, even if we're sitting.

Talk to your neighbor, get close to him/her. If you cannot do anything about your own thinking and obsession, seek therapy. Just talking with your "paid friend" is better than keeping yourself in the cycle. In my experience, when I'm depressed or angry about something, just talking about it to someone changes my mood.

Good luck

Paying a counsellor... It isn't a fake friendship. It's paying a professional to help you with things you are stuck with. They will perform the role that you pay them for. It is much more real, and honest, than the "relationship" you had with the girl, which was all on your head.

i don't know if it wasn't a relationship. It wasn't in the romantic sense but that's one type. Maybe you could clarify something for me, during the course of our conversations she told me I was her best friend and that I was the only one she consulted about her bad relationship (the previous one). Now, I know I'm really needy but she said some things over the course of our meetings that gave me the impression that we were at least friends. So when she cut me off for this new man I felt that I'd been used and didn't think it was fair. The reason I'm saying this is I think there was (or I thought there was) a bond between us. Or maybe I am living in a screwed up different world. Yes I'm a little bitter because I don't know if I could do this to somebody else - not without an explanation anyway.

You were merely acquaintances. Not even friends, because a friend wouldn't "cut off" contact.

No bond at all. This is why you need to really, really make it clear that there was no relationship here to your doctor---I think you may be implying to him/her that there might have been one (because even you aren't sure), and your doctor might think you're going through a normal mourning period.

There is nothing normal about the age range of women you are trying to communicate with, you are setting yourself up to fail every time.

Sometimes acquaintance friendships are the most difficult ones to sort through what they REALLY are.

Sounds like she might have felt that when she met this new person that she couldn't keep anything going with you or there could be a problem created especially if she was really having romantic feelings with this new person. She may not have wanted any possibility of jealously coming up in this NEW relationship she was starting & wanted to put her focus on it.

When I was in college, I had a guy that I enjoyed riding horses with & going out to dinner with & sometimes a play or a movie. I think he was more interested in me that I was in him because I knew that he had a very controlling personality that I didn't want to get involved with at any level that gave him the idea that he could have any control over me. Shoot, he even wanted me to commit months in advance to going out to dinner together & there was just no way this free spirit could do things like that & it was a red flag of what I sensed was the total control that he had over later wives that he had.

The interesting thing was that when I met the guy I ended up getting married to, we were able to stay acquaintance friends at a safe level....but that is a VERY UNUSUAL CASE & most times when one finds someone that they are becoming emotionally close to, they do cut off relationships with others that might stir up a jealous reaction in the new relationship or at least a lot of misunderstandings. Some people aren't good at explaining this & sometimes they really don't understand that's what they are doing or even exactly why so they just cut off any relationships they feel might create a problem in the future. Sounds like that might have been what she was doing & wasn't able to express what she was thinking to you or maybe she didn't feel like there was any relationship there so she didn't need to offer an explanation in the first place.

Just because you talk with someone & you are there for a period of time when they need someone to talk to about their problems, sometimes they say things they are feeling "IN THE MOMENT" but may not be what they feel in the overall big picture.

If there had really been something there you would have been the new man & you weren't so it's obvious that she didn't have you in her real interest & you were a good friend to talk to about her bad relationship through the time she needed someone to talk to.

Whether that's normal or not???? Sounds like she was desperately in need of someone to listen to her & someone to talk with but without any emotional connection to you other than being a friend to talk to, having no emotional connection, there was nothing to grow from & into anything more & maybe in some way she was using you while she needed someone to talk to & when someone else came along that she felt an emotional connection to, she was on to that relationship.

I'm sorry she seemed to lead you on by telling you that
but like I said, maybe she felt that way about you at that period of time when she was desperately in need of someone to talk to & didn't qualify it by any limitations like friends until I find someone who she was interested in.

The thing is that there are times when we just have to radically accept that it is what it is & get on with life. Radically accepting doesn't just something as being right or wrong, good or bad....it just was what it was & leave it at that rather than holding onto everything that happened. Put it in the past & just start working on new relationships each one being whatever it is & however it turns out.

I most certainly don't have romantic feelings for my friends. She said you are her friend but that's all there is

The reason she probably cut you off as she probably noticed you are pursuing her in a romantic fashion and she didn't want to lead you on. I don't know though how she cut you off when you said you were still talking, you were upset that she chose a new boyfriend and didn't tell or something. Then you said you ran in to each other and we're talking etc

If this was friendship where two of you conducted your conversations? Went out? Met at your house? Etc I wonder what the context was? I could see if she went out with and you visited each other etc then maybe you felt led on or was it just bumping on each other or was it she was at work and you were a customer? It all depends

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I agree with Molinit. If you tell your doctor that you are grieving a relationship then it's one story ( my t data it is normal to grieve for long time as everybody grieves differently), but if you intensely grieve something that wasn't there then doctor needs to know. It is s different story all together. Doctor needs to know

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It does sound to me like you did have a friendship of sorts, and she's valued your listening ear. I think she's perhaps been a little naive if she hasn't realised how close you were becoming to her, but then she is young.

Has she cut you off though? I thought you wrote in another post you had seen her and she was all smiles?

Mac, there was no relationship. Stop using that word to describe it. It was a friendship at the most.

I don't remember that she cut you off. I thought you did that to her after you found out she was in a new relationship.

A decent way to measure the friendship- did you actually make plans or just run into each other? Did you do anything beyond spend time in a coffee shop? Did either of you visit the other at their home?

You've got to start really accepting and seeing it for what it was. You can list the facts but you cling to your dreams.

I know it's hard to do. That's why I keep giving you suggestions of things to look into doing. Which I know you haven't done. Having healthy interactions with people who are also looking for interaction (which is a guarantee when someone joins something like a club) will help you.

I even suggested I will locate groups for op. I suggested many activities. Nothing came out of it

People who work in coffee shops are there to do their job and being friendly with customers is part of the job. People who go to coffee shops are either there to drink their coffee or study or meet their friends or dates. I don't know anyone who met there and became a couple or close friends. It's not the place typically

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I guess my definition of friendship is much looser than most. If they listen to me at all it's a friendship. I just think it's subjective based on the individual. I just feel that this neediness thing is like an internal organ - it will take a lot to remove it. I really don't know anything about relationships and I got s lot of swimming to do before I can even think about letting somebody in my comfort zone. The sad fact is that my hormone level may shrink to a negative number before I get any sort of attachment. A year or two ago I was ready to coast out of here solo. Then the nightmare hit that I'm still vunerable to the pangs. I don't know if I'm real happy with this realization because I don't want the struggle. So on we go.

From what you write it sounds like focusing on making social connections and friendships might be a good place to start, you've already done a bit of this with the coffee shops. Groups, classes, sports, volunteering are some of the ways you could go about this.

Going headlong (or expecting to) into a relationship would be a very big jump from where you are now, not to say it won't happen (lots of people don't meet their life partner until later on in life). To jump to this stage would be like running before you can walk.

The neediness you describe is not who you are, it is something you are experiencing now, you can learn to manage it (you already recognise it which is good), therapy might help with this.