GF spending time with her ex-BF

Well, one thing that is not very clear in these posts is...does she know you are monitoring these messages? Just from the subtext, it seems like you may be accessing these conversations between your girlfriend and her ex when she is not present. Is this the case? Or just the information she is presenting you?

Either way, I agree with both Rose76 and Tishabuy. She probably is enjoying this at some level. Whether it be to coax you into a deeper relationship, possibly to show the other guy..."look, i am so in love but I am willing to do this to him for you", I mean whatever her intentions are, she is disrespecting you. Tishabuy mentioned the situation with her ex fiance and a similar situation, which I am sorry that happened to her but she made the right call. But she voiced her feelings about the wedding upfront and you didnt do the same. My fiance was recently invited to a wedding without a plus one and I wouldn't care a bit if he went without me. But he turned down the invitation and did not attend because he knew it would be inappropriate. He didn't even want me to feel embarrassed that I wasnt invited and simply hid the invitation and didnt tell me. His sister told me a few months later. He has also paid for my meals at weddings he did want to attend that did not include a plus one. I know we may not all have the money for 2 people to go to a wedding with air fair, accommodations, gifts, clothes etc...but I wouldnt have gone if my fiance couldnt or wasnt invited. Its really respect over money. We would have taken the money we would have spent and saved it for a time we both could have gone and seen the family and new couple together.

ps-stay off facebook. you dont want to message her or anyone else. she may just come home with ammunition if you stay on facebook.try organizing your room or look up weird stuff on ebay...vintage globes or something haah youll never know what you end up on and your mind will be off it

All along she has shown an astonishing disregard for your feelings. This is an important indicator, a pattern of behavior that you cannot afford to ignore. The past is prologue. You don't want to end up with this person. Drop her like a bomb.

The reason I broke up with him over it was because he didn't put me above these so-called friends, he didn't have my back. And I did make the right call, that guy made a lot of dumb choices and wouldn't listen to me about anything. If you want to be happy in a relationship, you must listen to each other and recognize when the other is right.

I understand she was invited to the wedding before you were together, and if she had decided not to go because you couldn't that would have been really great of her to honor you and reassure your commitment.

I'd be ok with her going, but not ok with how friendly she's being with the ex. She shouldn't have even told you how aggressive he's being, she just should have blown him off. It would have been the best most mature choice for her to have not even gone to the wedding.

Nope, you're not and you have every reason to be suspicious and ill at ease. This is not a normal situation she is putting you in and it is not at all how it should be. An established old friend that had a relationship with her but she continued with when she met you might be acceptable but only rarely.

First off, he's not only an ex boyfriend calling her for support which he should not be doing anyway, he has admitted to being in love with her still. Regardless of her intentions, like if she is just being her supportive personality or not, his intentions are questionable at best. Just the fact that he brought up that he still is in love with her shows that there are reasons other than something innocent in what he is doing. It should be her place to say no, and she should question his motives just as much and that she is not, and giving into it makes me question her motives and feelings here also.

Considering the situation and his feelings, you have every right to ask for this not to continue but don't complain or say anything if you intend not to do anything about it. You have to make a choice here. Either she gives you reason to know she's exclusive to you and all yours, or not. AT that point, if she doesn't you have to either accept she's not serious and decide if that's ok or not with you or move on down the road to find someone that's going to actually be loyal and devoted to you.

She's playing with fire and you just may want to get out of the way before it all blows up in your face.

In summary please don't feel that you are being a paranoid or jealous bf but know that your thoughts and views on this are very valid. Just don't sit on it and let it escalate.

If she is keeping him around as a so called friend and she knows he has feelings for her then she is leading him on. That's unkind. It is not ok

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Diglucy - she knows I've read their conversations. I'm sure she doesn't show me everything, but most things. And when he calls, she usually tells me what he's said to her.

So an update on the current situation - I hadn't messaged her all day yesterday, which was extremely difficult, but it worked.

She video called me last night and said she had been thinking about everything. She felt absolutely awful, she was in tears, she said she hates this weekend and regrets so many things. I've never seen her like this.

I told her that after this weekend is done, I'm willing to put this all behind us and move on if she is willing to show more commitment and never allow something like this to happen again. I said this is her one and only second chance because I'm not going to be some fool who keeps forgiving her immature behavior.

So we left off the conversation with me telling her to try to at least enjoy the wedding tonight (which she is at right at this very moment) because there's nothing further we can do to work on things right now, she spent all the money to get there, so she may as well go and try to have a good time and we'll talk about everything some more when she actually gets home on Monday.

There's only one last final issue I'm still not 100% content with. I found out during our conversation yesterday that a bunch of her old friends had booked a rental house for the night just down the road from the reception. I completely believe her and trust it was a last minute invite. She had mentioned to someone yesterday that she was planning to drive back to her relative's house afterwards, and then this person suggested that she should just stay with everyone. The relative's house where she is staying is about a 45min drive, and it would be very late and she'd be alone. So in one way, I think it is a good idea to just stay and spend the night.

However, she told me the Ex will be also staying in this house, since again - it's all mutual friends. Apparently he cancelled his original hotel booking when all these friends mentioned the rental house. She swore to me that she would have as minimal contact with him as possible tonight, and if he makes any kind of move she will immediately shut it down. She just wants to be with her friends since she hasn't seen some of them in years and she might not see them again for another long period. I told her that while I'm still not perfectly comfortable with it, this is a way for her to really prove herself. If anything does happen tonight, I'm absolutely done. 100%. I made sure she perfectly understood this.

So right now I'm enjoying a beer, not going on Facebook, distancing myself from the situation for the night and just hoping we can finish sorting this on Monday.

I'm sorry you're going through this tough time in your relationship. I am going to have to agree with your actions right now and say that you're doing the right thing. She should respect your feelings and if she doesn't, then she isn't invested completely in the relationship. It's good that you two had a nice long talk. I hope things work out, but if they don't please do take care of yourself and don't get too terribly upset.

Thanks Artchic! I know there's still a chance things could not work out, and I am scared I'll still take it really hard even though I've done everything I can to prepare myself.

So she called me around 1am to say she is fine, she is actually sober because she quit drinking early and only had a few. It is a huge relief. I wish I could have just trusted her to begin with when she had told me earlier in the day that nothing would happen - but she made it hard, so it is how it is.

The Ex is still hanging around her, and apparently he has asked to talk to her before she leaves. He says he has things to discuss. She was very short with him and said "I've already spent time with you this week" to which he said "but it's important to me, don't you see?" so this irritated me because he is always coming across as manipulative, trying to force her to give in because "it's important to me" and if she says no he will get upset.

I'm not sure I'll have a lot of contact with her throughout the day, because I know she has non-wedding related plans with other friends/family throughout the morning and later this evening, and the signal isn't so great. So I actually have no way of really knowing if she is going to hear him out, or just ignore him. Ideally, I hope she ignores him, and we all know that's what she SHOULD do. But sadly, I won't actually be that surprised if she gives in one last time... and so if he gets a chance to spill his feelings for her again, she needs to just be blunt and say goodbye. Any other outcome, and I'll be just as angry as I was on Friday, and then our talk tomorrow won't be so positive.

So we'll see how it goes...

This guy isn't even close to giving up on re-connecting with her in some fashion. He sounds very self-centered, which explains something. The girls he's met, since his breakup with her, didn't stick with him. His self-absorption has probably been turning women off, so he looks back fondly to when there was a girl who hung around for 8 years. Initially, they were kids and she didn't expect real mature behavior from him because they were just kids. Over time, she probably outgrew him, so she moved on. He stayed stuck, to some extent, at age 16, or whatever level he was at during their time together. Then, over the past two years, as he's tried to connect with young women, he hasn't been getting too far. So now he's desperate and wants to try and recover closeness with the one girl who did stick with him for a good while.

Don't be surprised, if he starts calling her with suicide threats. And he may even self-harm. He sees she is pliable. When you talk with her, you might help her see that she is vulnerable to emotional blackmail from this guy. ("Meet me at the coffee shop, or I'm gonna drive my car off a cliff.") Once you start giving in to a blackmailer, it never ends. She needs to nip this in the bud. Otherwise, he'll just escalate in his neediness. She found out, today, that however much attention she gives him, he needs more. He's not going to stop. Only she can stop this, and there is only one way. She has to get uninvolved with him, which means ending communication. (He's so clever, he'll probably then try having a 3rd party call her on his behalf.)

Her pitfall is that she thinks she's got it all under her control. She thinks she can predict how she will respond to him and promise you that she will only do such-and-such and not do this or that. No one can perfectly forecast what they're going to do in a future situation, so her pledges to keep things under control by "shutting down" any inappropriate behavior are not much protection. He knows where all her buttons are, and he's going to push every last one of them.

He's going to manufacture drama anyway he can. If he can't peel her away from you, he'll eventually try to draw you into the drama. He'll be wanting to meet with the both of you, thinking you will more readily agree to that. Don't get sucked in. He's already got the two of you upset with each other, which is exactly what he wants. He's getting off on thinking about how the two of you are talking about him. He's made himself a presence in your home already. That's why I don't advise you to have long, deep conversations about him with her. That's what he wants. Keep it short and sweet. Otherwise, before you know it, he'll be showing up at your summertime barbecues. This guy needs to get a life (of his own.) He hasn't really got one that's going too well, which is why he's trying to move into yours.

Your girlfriend has to get a clear, consistent message from you that there is no room in the life she and you have together for this guy - none. That means that he is not even a fit subject of conversation between the two of you from here on in.

You're right about this guy being manipulative, and I'll bet he's got a bottomless bag full of ploys to use. The only way to deal with someone like that is to not deal with him at all.

If you think she could use a brief explanation of emotional blackmail, this page might be useful:

Emotional Blackmail ? Out of the FOG

Your girlfriend is being very shady, and highly disrespectful of your feelings. And you should not have to play "stiff upper lip" games to get her to respond to your needs. I'm sorry that she is taking advantage of your good nature. Unfortunately, you are being too gentle, too nice about this major issue and are making excuses for her unacceptable behavior. She needs to draw clear boundaries with this guy (and other people) and stick to them!

As for the invite not including a +1 - she should have insisted on bringing you, and simply declined if you weren't allowed to come. That's just silly.

You have every right to be upset, and it is terrible that she is doing this to you and not even taking it seriously. You have nothing to apologize for, and you have done nothing wrong. Not emails, not FB messages, etc.

No. You are not being irrational - you are being too permissive and accepting. You have done nothing wrong here. If you sharing your feelings with her "bothers" her, then you'd be well rid of her. You shouldn't have to "encourage" her to listen to you, or wait for some better time for her (which sounds like it doesn't come anyway since she is so busy with her friends and this guy, who obviously take priority over you).

This is SO invalidating and disrespectful! No regard for your feelings, for your discomfort and distress, none! I would have been furious if someone had said this to me in that situation! I might have walked away from the relationship right then. You bring your very valid concerns to her, she waits for you to apologize or get close to it (as she knows you will), and then this is her response? Just wow.

You should be worried. A lot of things you've mentioned in this thread do not bode well for your future with this girl. You have to be prepared to lose her. She doesn't seem to fear losing you at all, which again, red flag. And honestly, the side of someone that you don't like, their "bad" side, is just as important as their good side. I'm glad to see that you became firmer with her towards the end of the thread, but that this even went down the way it did is NOT good.

No, this is her, not you. Please don't take responsibility for her bad behavior, her bad choices, and her mistreatment of you. You don't sound weak or annoying to me. You sound like a kind, emotive, gentle person, which unfortunately means you'll be taken advantage of and mistreated quite a lot.

You're not being weak. It's not weak to have feelings and to express them, to be vulnerable. On the contrary, that actually takes strength. If that pushes her away, there are plenty of guys out there who don't show their feelings and will be happy to be uncaring and disrespectful towards her.

If there's something you need to work on, it's not this or your reaction to this situation. You are completely in the green here. Don't bargain with her. She's either committed or she's not. If she doesn't want to act like it, then...that makes her feelings clear. Again, you have not overreacted (under-reacted, if anything) or been too emotional.

You don't need to justify or apologize for your feelings.

I really hope this works out for you and that she wakes up, but if I were you, I would not relax with her for a while.

Thank you all so much. The blackmail thing is a big worry to me, because I can't tell you all enough just how bad he has been these past couple of months. There were days when he would actually send her about a dozen messages saying "please call me, I really need you, you're the only person I can talk to" and then he would leave voice notes where he would be crying, so she would give in and answer his call - only for him to cheer right up and be laughing and sharing old memories. Like it's been said earlier in the thread, I should have really spoken up when it first started to annoy me. I let it slide for too long.

I'll let you all know what happens tomorrow when we talk about everything. To be honest, a part of me still feels like something happened between them at some point. I spoke to her briefly again this morning, and she just seems kind of 'off' - I just know her and she seemed different, she wasn't saying much, almost like a guilty vibe. There's a chance she's going to tell me something tomorrow that I don't want to hear. But I'm prepared to deal with it.

Hi alipra.

Just wish to point out that there may be lots of reasons why your gf may sound flat, "off", and such. If she's been battling the emotional re-connect attempts of the EX-jerk, she's very likely emotionally exhausted. When someone from one's past carries as much mental & memory context as this cat does for her, and then they start campaigning to re-access their former partner, it gets very very high-stress. Been there, done that, freaked the f$%k out.... It's disorienting, distressing, and SO draining.

Just a heads-up: She may come home emotionally flat-lined and exhausted beyond belief.

Stay strong.
Best,
Chyia, having a brief mini-flashback yikes arrgh damn

Clearly emotional blackmail. Make sure that she understands what emotional blackmail is, and how to deal with it.

The link offered above by Bill3 is a good one. Here's one I just found. It sounds a lot like your gf's situation, even though hers hasn't escalated quite this far . . . yet.

https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress...relationships/

Your gf's ex is a seriously and, I think, permanently damaged person. Her involvement with him has zero chance of a happy outcome for her. Even if she decided she were in love with him and went back with him, he would wind up making her miserable. This guy is doomed by his uncompromising selfishness. On his way to self-destruction, he just wants to take someone with him . . . over the cliff.

I don't think he wants her, so much as he wants to ruin what she has with anyone else.

So how did it go?

I'm assuming you two have already had "the exbf talk"....

Waiting to hear what happens also...

"Hakuna your tatas"?! At least you'll always have that

I have been following this thread and also waiting to see what happens. Where's the update?

A week passed and nothing? Makes me worry something went wrong

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Same here, I'm worried too.

Or maybe something went well that he's not coming back?

I sure hope things are well!

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