Insecurity...... How best to help an insecure person who shuts down

So I have been dating a girl now for the past 4 months. We have lots in common, common goals long term short term and interests.

She however is Very insecure.

I have done several hours reading about insecurity and how to help a person. I see lots of things listed that she does. Some examples of this are.... I tell her she is beautiful. Her reply is no I'm not. I tell her I love her, Her reply is to stop, don't say that. She repeatedly tells me she does not deserve me. I'm too good for her, She will not make me happy. I tell her when talking on the phone it is nice to hear her voice or when I see her in person it is nice to see her, and her reply is it is just a voice or it is just me.

She admits to being insecure, and admits that she needs help and should see a therapist. But also insists that she does not have time.

She is under a good bit of stress. She works a regular 9-5 job m-f. But also works a 2nd job as a waitress. She does the waitress job 3 nights a week plus sat and sun. She recently got a new part time waitress job that will be less demanding of her time. She will be able to quit the current more demanding one in 2 weeks, and is now training at the new one. So currently she is literally working 3 jobs, 7 days a week.

She is regularly tired, emotionally worn out and stressed. I continually via voice or text, send her messages of encouragement. I tell her that I care and that I'm here to support her. I remind her that I and her children lover her and appreciate her and are here for her..

She has Told me that she will push people away. I have experienced this several times now over the past 4 months. She will go completely dark. Like she is shutting down. I will get no response to text messages or phone calls. This can last up to week or more. The 1st time it happened, I thought she was moving on and was no longer interested. I have read this will happen in times of great stress. This has happened again this week, with her working the 3 jobs.

She will also say that people tell her how nice and kind she is, but claims that is not who she really is. That nobody knows who she really is. I do not believe this and feel this is an excuse.

She Shows lots of physical affection, but does not express in words. She says she is not a good communicator, and this I do see. She will on rare occasions tell me she appreciates my texts and my support.

I know I read some insecure people can be clingy or controlling. I however have not seen either of these traits.

My question or piece of advice I'm looking for here is when she shuts down, and pushes me away what should I do? From what I have read, and if I understand it correctly I should NOT stop being supportive. Am I correct in this? Should I still continue to send her text messages of support? Still tell her I care? Should I possibly maybe send a snail mail letter telling her I care and support her. Or am I overwhelming her by doing this? She has told me in the past that I have done nothing wrong that it is all her.

I am hoping in a few weeks that once she is able to be done with the more demanding waitress job that she will feel less stressed. And will feel that she has time to see a therapist.

thanks for any and all input here.

It doesn't sound like she can afford therapy, unless it got paid for by her health insurance.

Maybe she doesn't see her relationship with you lasting for the long-term. Any thoughts of you two living together? Would that help her out financially?

There have been talks of us living together. She has been open to that in the conversations we have had. That would definitely help the financial situation. She would definitely not have to work 2 jobs. I'm able to support myself here. Granted I'm not rolling in money either but I make do. But yes, us living together would solve a lot of problems for her.

As for relation lasting long term I think it is more she does not feel good enough for me and things along that line.

I don't think people who are insecure (have low self-esteem) are controlling. I do think that we can be clingy.

Compliments are lovely and we tend to really hold the sincere ones close to our hearts...but too often can sound insincere. Encouragement is always appreciated but, likewise, can sound like white noise if overdone...and we feel like you're getting annoyed in a way.

Pushing you away is a test.

I would say that the best thing my husband is, is constant. I trust him and believe him when he tells me I will be okay.

I would listen to you if you told me that you would be there for me, and then checked up on me. But beware....one slip-up and I would not trust you.

I know. We are not easy. And we think we're really annoying.

Please, please use caution with this girl's heart. Let her down easy when the time comes.

Good luck.

I'm the exact way as her. I've been abused almost my whole life. I don't know how to love. Very insecure over everything panic attacks all the time. Feeling no one can love me. She's doing her best.

You're doing an amazing job. Keep it up. I want someone to so that for me. As a guy I have to be there like you are and living with her experience currently.

Relationships put a lot of stress on me. Where i can't stand the other person because I'm afraid to face losing that person at the same time afraid to not ever help myself.

I am exactly that.

If you move in together would that be as room mates in order to save money or as a relationship in which you would be committed to each other and exclusive?

It would be as a relationship.

I agree with this whole reply. And don't stop the support because even if we can't believe these compliments ourselves, we still have ears. But yes don't overdo it. It may get overwhelming for her if she truly doesn't feel secure. And yes, beware of the "slip-up" because we tend to have a hard time trusting people in the very beginning as it is. One reason to run from lack of trust or uncomfortable situations and we just may take it for a reason to leave.

Just let her know how much you care and support her but be aware of how it's making her feel and if she has to tell you to stop over again, just give her a little space for a time. She has to really work on this with therapy I think. She needs to learn tools (such as affirmations) to feel better about herself. Low self esteem is a tricky one and it really does take work to get over. It's like reprogramming our whole thought process to avoid negative thoughts about ourselves.

yismymindblank12

When you push people away that you are dating what is that you want them to do? or why do you push them away? you do not hate the person or anything like that right?

No I don't hate them. I do have my personal issues of abuse I live with so I get easily scared of new people inside.
When I push them away and I like them I don't want them to see me in pain or like she says I am not good enough. It's our way of saying I want you close, but my anxiety is making things hard for me to let you close but I don't want you to leave. I'm trying sorry for worrying you.

I push people away sometimes because I don't know if she relates to this but because I feel I'm the problem and that I find it hard to believe someone likes anything about me.

Ok thanks for the reply. I have heard her say similar things as in she is the problem, it is not me, she does want to see me and such.

She has never gone into great detail as to why she does it like you said in your 1st paragraph.

Thanks for the reply

I would like to have a gf to appreciate me Like you do for yours.

I think I am completely worthless. At my core, I think and feel that.

Clearly I have a lot of insecurity, self esteem and trust issues.

The more I care about someone, the more likely I am to shut down and cut myself off. I don't mean to do it, but I do. Also, the more I care about someone the more likely I am to completely bolt the first time someone says something that makes me think they are insincere, lying, or being critical etc. The second I sense those things I withdraw.

I don't like being a burden and I feel like that is all I am to people. I can't seem to think of anything long term. There is always "for now" or "yet" tacked on. We are good friends... For now. They haven't gotten sick of me... Yet. Etc.

For me, the best thing is when someone continues to send me messages. If they initiate contact with me....it means that they actually want to. Unless it's a "are you ok?" Sort of message, which reinforces the feeling of being a burden. A simple "hey! It's Friday yay!" Makes me smile. It's the little things, the things that don't touch on anything serious for me, that demonstrate someone is actually interested in me.

I have a hard time with compliments. I don't believe them, or I might believe the person but I disagree with their opinion. I used to argue it, but I don't anymore because it just makes it worse for the other person. Instead I keep silent and politely say thank you, and just feel the guilt for being dishonest.

At the same time though... If someone gave me compliments a lot, and then stopped, that would be confirmation for me that I'm right about being worthless and a burden. As someone else said, consistency is key. I need someone to be constant in their behaviour or I jump to the conclusion that I'm the cause for the change and that they are just putting up with me now.

So, I'd keep up with sending messages and just do your best to not get annoyed or overly worried about it.

A red panda....

Thanks for the reply. It is very helpful to hear the insights of other insecure people. It helps alot. Thanks.

Yismymindblank and a red panda,

Sonshebis obviously very busy with her schedule. I on the other hand have a very open and flexible schedule.
She has told me her door is always open. And she wants to see me. We are also a little over 1 hour apart. How should I take this? I obviously want to see her too.

Now we are only dating, there has been some talk of moving in together. My question here is, and I know it is not a question or topic to be brought up in near future, but is this something I wait for her to bring up, or is it very unlikely that she would?

Personally I wouldn't be able to initiate a conversation like that - way too scared of rejection (think I doomed myself with this actually as I own a house and would have to be the one inviting really!)

I wouldn't bring up the moving in thing for now, as she is transitioning between jobs (stressful for anyone!). But if you are an hour apart, it might be worth thinking of on your own how the location change will affect one or both of you in regards to work.

She wouldn't tell you her door is always open if she doesn't mean it. Do you have a set of keys to her place? Maybe you could try asking for that, so that you could always come and stay with her for a few days when you don't have work. That way you could come and go while she's at work still.

So it wouldn't be moving in but could help feel things out without as much pressure. As well as showing that you want to spend time with her and aren't resentful (I know you aren't but that might be where my own brain would go) of her working so much. Cause if you're there for a few days, it wouldn't be like you were driving an hour there and back just to see her briefly between jobs. Does that make sense at all?

Yes that makes alot of sense.

I own my home she rents. It was discussed that she'd move to me. As she can donher normal ft job from home. And she would also be able to get rid of the extra job for sure.

I do not have a set of keys.

I understand with this that I generally have to do the asking about coming over and such or doing things. I'm always just afraid that I'm over stepping or pressuring. But really there are only 1 or 2 times a week that she has time. I know this weekend she is off. We had talked about going to do something on Saturday. I actually have already bought the tickets. This is a perfect weekend for us to do things. However since she has not talked toe all week I'm in a quandry as to what to do.

Just send her a message! Like "I am so excited for X tomorrow! Are you? What time do you want me to arrive?" Or something. Since she's busy, stressed, and insecure she probably doesn't have the mental and emotional energy to message you - she might be feeling guilty that she's so stressed and busy and doesn't have enough time to give you attention.

Maybe anyway!

I am hearing a lot of familiar things.

I just had a situation where I pushed and pushed so much that I pushed someone I cared very much for away. I don't blame him for leaving at all. It's a pattern which repeats itself in my romantic relationships with alarming predictability. What bothers me is that I've grown more secure in who I am over the years, and the ways in which I'm insecure are very insidious. I used to know that I was pushing away, and that I was insecure, etc. Now, while I can articulate certain ways in which the relationship is making me feel nervous, there are other times when I just feel inexplicably frustrated, sad, afraid, or downright angry. And looking back on what just happened between me and JD, I know that those are all a sign of some pretty intense stress and fear. The stress wasn't actually from what was between us (not the bulk of it), but the fear definitely was. I don't really have words of wisdom for you, honestly. For every man I've been involved with, there just came a time when they had to admit that they couldn't love me through my insecurity. I think what happened this last time finally gave me a kick in the rear to focus more on getting into a better headspace. But, though JD handled me like I was some precious thing--was kind, careful, considerate and said all of the right things--ultimately, I'm the one who has to fix the insecurity.

Sorry...I am kind of just throwing my two cents in. I'm not sure if my perspective helps. But I do understand this situation.

Ok Ill give that a shot, I did send a similar message saying I got the tickets, but not as direct as what time do you want to meet and such.

When you outright deny what she says (out loud or in your manner) you are reinforcing her sense of being alone and misunderstood.

When she says that no one knows who she really is, an alternative would be to acknowledge, understand, and accept the underlying feelings by saying something like "It sounds like you feel alone in the world." or "It must really hurt to feel so alone in the world."

When you say she is beautiful you are making a categorical statement that is very difficult for her to accept. And, as above, you are revealing that you don't understand her, and thereby reinforcing her feelings of aloneness in the world. An alternative approach is to point to your own specific feelings about this specific situation: "I think that you look beautiful in that dress." Or something not so strong, to make it easier for her to accept: "I think you look really good in that dress."

Similarly, if the topic of (say) her niceness comes up, pointing to a specific nice thing she did--"It was really nice of you to send me that text"--will be easier for her to accept than a categorical "you are such a nice person."

When she has shut down, you could acknowledge it without judging her. "I am thinking that you don't want to talk right now." "It seems like you are hurting a lot right now." "I can sense your overwhelming stress and need to withdraw." In this approach you show her that you understand and accept her as she is in this moment. That is support: to acknowledge, to understand, and to accept. To make her aware that you are there for her. To not judge.

If you are overly cheerful with her at these times, you are implicitly judging her by suggesting that the way she is in this moment needs to be changed.

She is physically affectionate. My suggestion, then, is to speak to her more in the way that she speaks to you: nonverbally. In other words, lay less stress on words and more on hugs, sitting/working quietly together, holding hands, little kindnesses. Being with her in these ways gets across that "I accept you as you are." It doesn't make her feel so alone or misunderstood. It doesn't make her feel compelled to contradict you.

You might gently try pointing out that you notice and appreciate her nonverbal forms of communication. "Have you ever thought about the nonverbal ways in which you communicate with me?"

Every time this happens, make certain to tell her how much it means to you to hear those words from her.

Bill3

Thanks very much, Very insightful. I'm going to have to read this over multiple times to get these concepts into my brain. Very insightful.

many thanks

I left something out that I wanted to say. After this:

When you say something like I suggest, you are not agreeing with her claim that nobody knows who she is. Rather, you are focusing on her feelings instead of the (alleged) facts. Acknowledging, understanding, and accepting her feelings will help her feel less alone. And this is true of any self-critical thing that she says: acknowledging, understanding, and accepting her feelings is more important than the accuracy of the specific claim that she is making.

Thank you all again.

Honestly the best scenario for this is if we were living together. As she would really only need a part time job.
However getting to that step is not an overnight process. and at this point will not happen anytime soon if ever.

At this point it has been almost 2 weeks since I heard from her last. I have no idea what she is thinking or her state of mind.

I do have some ideas for her, when she does start talking again.

I see a lot of things I do as well on this list. Pushing people away is a kind of protection mechanism for the other person. When I feel insecure I do not want to dump my insecurities on my partner and instead I disappear. I do realize by saying it that it does not make much sense, but once you are in that position you feel almost unworthy of anything good. It does have to do a lot with self esteem and the most important thing is to build her own self-esteem. For me it worked when I managed to do little things like crafts, or organized a reading group etc. Anything that can give you a sense of accomplishment I think will help. But ultimately she would have to realize it herself that she is worthy of the nice things in her life.