How to resist urge to move too quickly in a relationship?

communication is key but I don't get the idea of having to "keep busy" and distract yourself for this reason: If I need to distract myself from making a bad choice to get overly involved sexually with a new partner, should I really be involved right now anyway? come on people, if you can't handle being in a relationship and have to fight with yourself to avoid making a bad choice and to work on things slowly you're just simply... not ready for a relationship and need to take time independently to figure out why you're so easily led into such situations.

I'd recently had a female online that I've connected with and she's voiced how she wants to be involved with me in a relationship. It's long distance, she's a number of years younger than me. With her she was pretty quick to start talking about sex early on. To be honest, I feel quite ready for a relationship (although not sure it should be her yet) because I stopped her the other day and said "can we please not make the focus on sex so much?" Years ago there was no way I could have made that decision which is why I say what I did above. I do not want to have to "distract" myself from sex, I'd rather spend time focusing on what matters with this person. On top of that I'm pretty sure she's not the right person as the jump to sex was so quick. Even as a guy makes me feel kind of cheap.

Well it maybe that age has something to do with it, idk for sure but think Artchic is younger than you and in her prime fertile years - it's completely natural to have a healthy drive in those years for both men and women.

For many people it does seem to lessen at 40+, that's nature I guess (baby making days either behind us or not going to happen generally speaking), depending on your perspective and expectations that can be a good or a bad thing. For you s4ndm4n it sounds like it's a welcome change.

Okay, back to Artchic, well there are natural ways and methods to lower libido but I get the impression you only want to put the breaks on for a short while right? In which case I'd recommend lots of outdoor exercise, the more vigorous the better - it burns off a lot of energy and frustrations.

having a healthy libido has very little to do with the ability to make good choices, how casual sex doesn't lead to deep relationships. To be quite honest I have a pretty healthy drive sexually myself. I have never been one to be quick to go into sexual relations with anyone nor have I ever been involved in casual sex, not even in my 20s. My point being having a "healthy" sex drive does not render the person unable to say no to it ever. IT is and always has been purely a choice. IF one feels that they cannot say no, then there is a problem no matter how you look at it.

To all due respect I think this thread was about artchic and how SHE wants to proceed to do things right , not about how s4ndm is doing things in his healthy ways . It is good that you have that much insight and have no problem saying no or that you never had casual relationships or casual sex that it's all come easy to you. This thread isn't about you though .

And if it was that easy for op, she wouldn't ask us valid questions and no one would ever end up in bad situation and we would all live happily ever after. Just because things are so easy for you doesn't mean making decision is easy for others.

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with all due respect, I didn't make it about me, I used my experience as an example as to what I was saying and my original response was related to artchic. I am not sure how I made it about me or anyone did? I also in my second response was saying something to clarify what I meant about how making good choices in a new relationship (still related to archic's situation) isn't decided by level of libido.

I never made it about me, please, I used it as an example from life in effect I also added that I've dealt with this too. If you think I'm claiming this is easy you're wrong. My intent was to state my experience because in truth I do understand how it can be something that's not all that easy - I've been there. >.>

To IMPLY that any of this is easy to me or that I've even made it sound as though it is is simply not listening to what I said and writing off my thoughts here. "JUST BECAUSE THINGS ARE SO EASY FOR YOU" Why would you even go this far? I never said it was easy, I quite clearly made the point of saying that I would not have been able to do this earlier in my life, so it's more of a statement saying, I understand, but take heart it is possible to change. >.>

Almost always Divine, I respect and like your comments but I feel that you're off base here making it seem like I made this about me.

Well the advice was given to artchic to distract yourself because she tends to obsess over things and many of us can relate and that's an advice given by professionals to have healthy distraction ( read s book or walk outside type of thing etc) . You started saying you don't need to be distracted from making bad decisions and you never had casual sex. It's good, but nothing to do with artchic. It's like if somebody asked where to apply for unemployment and I said I don't need unemployment . Although it is true it's not relevant as its not my needs that are being discussed l.

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They're amazing.

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My point about distraction using me was a point at people in general, if you need to be distracted from making a bad choice in relationships, perhaps you're not ready for that relationship. It wasn't about me. I understand the obsession thing very well. I do, but my point is, maybe a relationship isn't a good thing right now anyway. that's the advice I am giving.

I really dont' understand how you're missing the points I'm making and seemingly thinking I'm here to talk about me. but it doesn't matter. Thank you for your input.

Healthy distractions and staying busy with other things are beneficial methods when dealing with obsessions and preoccupation in any area no matter if it's sex or relationship or food or anything else . I have training and expertise in the area. If you don't need that, it's good, I understood that. If op doesn't need it, she will say so or won't follow the advice.

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The way I resist the urge to move too quickly is that I have my moral values cast in concrete & I know the kind of guy who would have those same moral values is the ONLY kind of guy I would want. If not compatible...I'm not interested in the guy no matter how nice, rich, or good looking. I know exactly WHY my moral values are what they are & I hold them in a solid place that doesn't change until after I would ever get to the place I would be willing to get married.....no one can talk me out of my values or shame me out of them.

Interesting because I was married to a guy for 33 years who fit the ASD traits 100% even though not formally dx'ed. Just figured it out 7 years after I left him. Totally impossible to have an emotional connection with for the whole 33 years I was married. Couldn't figure it out & thought it was normal....my dad was the same...& all of a shudder the picture became clear. It might be good for you to get a dx so that you can learn to understand your own self better & it may make it clear the difficulties in relationships.

True, it won't be as good as mind blowing sex. But if you guys like one another then there will be plenty of opportunity for that if you prefer to be in a relationship to have sex.

Imo there is nothing wrong with casual sex when you're single. But those are my values.

I understand the contradictory aspect that other people have pointed out. Is it possible that you have certain values that you want to adhere to and find that you are sometimes impulsive and have a hard time controlling these impulses and then feel guilty? If that's the case, maybe you need to reexamine your values and decide if they still fit.


#Life is a beautiful lie#