need some advice on my relationship

Hi all

Maybe you can help me cope with the situation I am in.

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship for 8 month now. He is 10 years older, divorced with a daughter that also lives with her mom in another town than him or me.

Last week we had an argument at the telephone, I mean he had one with me. He said that his daughter won't be able to enjoy him as much as he enjoyed his parents, because the way he lives and the hours he works won't get him to 80 years old. And I asked, as a joke, with a smile on my face and a positive attitude why isn't he referring to me and our future children also. He got angry, we started to argue, he closed the phone and he is not answering my calls, messages, email sine 10 days ago. Nothing. This is one of the problems.

Actually, the second one is that in two days I am travelling for business in his town, but I forgot my key from his apart last time I was there and I don't know what to do. He knows I am coming, he knows I don't have the key, he knows I am staying 10 days, I asked him in the last messages how does he want us to do, if I should come to him or somewhere else. Nothing. Not a word. I call him like 2 times a day and maybe 2 messages on Fb, Insta and Whatsapp, and still nothing.

I don't know what to do, how to deal with it, especially what happened.

I should say that for both of us it was, or is, pure love, we cried when we first touched and hugged, we felt that everything bad form the past was washed away, we knew we loved each other from the first moment and we also said it to each other we no hesitations. we managed to travel enough to be together at least 2 times per month, we spoke many many times per day at the telephone, he send me videos with him saying i love you, we spoke until we fall asleep and first thing when we opened our eyes. he decided to move in my town without me saying anything, I wanted to quit my business to move with him, we felt like we owned our lives and we were happy and love each other very much.

I don't get it, what happened? How can I help him? Should I go in front of his apart and hope that someone else will open the gate so I can knock on his door? Should I insist with calls? Should I move on? I lack sleep, I smoke 2 pacs per day, I cry, I can't eat, I can't focus, I don't understand.

Can someone tell me what should I do? I can't cope with any choice now.

Unfortunately, sometimes when people want to shut down and shut another person out, for whatever reason, there isn't anything we can do or say that is going to make them change their mind about it. And calling and messaging, I feel, only serves to push them further away. Even though it's hard, and it hurts, it sounds like he needs space. Let him come back to you. He obviously knows how you feel. It may be a good idea to make plans to stay elsewhere when you are on business this time, even if you do end up talking again.

I agree with Ruari, there seems to be little that you can do about him. Stop messaging him and make other plans for a place to stay.

thank you. It is so hard to accept it, I can't believe you want to build a home together and suddenly you just shut them down. I don't know how to deal with it, if I can live my life with him in this way.

Thank you, I will try to accept it.

If he isn't responding for 10 days I think it's safe to say he is gone. Why though I am unclear. Perhaps he was upset that when he was sharing about his daughter you brought up that he needs to worry about his future children. That's typically not what parents want to hear. Or maybe he was taken aback you already have plans to have kids with him. Or maybe he thought you were trying to joke when he was serious about it. Certainly rather than vanishing he should have discussed it. But he didn't. I would not plan to stay with him and start a plan of moving on. Sorry that happened to you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you. I don't know either why, it's the most painful thing. Actually we were trying to have our own, it's not like I brought it up from nowhere. Since the begging we decided not to plan them, but also not to protect ourselves, that if it happens it happens. I planned to stay at some friends already. I wrote him today if I should stay somewhere else or not, and he replied that not at his place. So I am starting to believe it's over for him. Out of nowhere, out of the bloom, without why. Just not to stay at him. And that's why I think I didn't exagerate asking him about our future since we were planing our lives together and we were trying to have a baby. It hurts a lot, I just don't get it.

(((((LadyBug098)))))

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Thank you, I needed that, really.

That kind of speaks of his character that he just decided to stop talking. Decent people explain why they end a relationship. You dodge the bullet here. Imagine you got married and he would just be gone one day??????

Sorry you are hurting but you deserve much better than this

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I thought of that, in this relationship I entered truly, we both felt from the beginning the love, we said it, we felt like we were together since forever, not a week or a month or 8 months. I had no walls, no vanities, no fears. I truly appreciated him, loved him, cared, convinced him to spend more time with his daughter, with his parents, I gave up my free time with him so he could go see her daughter, to take care of him and his way of life, he did the same for me, that is why is so hard for me to understand anything. I thought that if we aim the same, we go in the same direction in life, I can cope and learn how to stay beside him and tell him that I am here, ready to listen and to help him and us to understand and move together further. But with 10 days, no replies regardless the one that said not at my place, how can I wait, if I don't now if we want the same things anymore? I am torn between waiting any sign and let him be with his problems and frustrations and actions. I feel like I need an answer, so that I know what to do with my feelings and how to move on with or without him.

I think you have your answer, actually. Unfortunately, I suspect you aren't going to get much more from him than you already have. Pushing him is unlikely to be successful, and continuing to focus on it is only going to be more hurtful for you. Who knows why people do what they do?

I think he does. And I also think that for what we have/had, I will receive an answer. I don't know. It's just hurting and I can't see it clearly now.

It's totally your choice, of course. But I firmly believe that continuing to contact him will not work in your favor, and I would let him be for now. Just my two cents.

I know it hurts but 10 days later he is clearly gone. 10 days not talking doesn't indicate him going same direction

I am not that impressed with him actually. I was a little confused why a grown man suggests that instead of having some type of commitment and clear plan it's better to just not use protection and see what happens. What if you got pregnant? What would you do now? Not married and living apart and he just thinks it's ok to see what if he gets you pregnant. I really don't think he is going same direction or even any direction. He is bad news.

Take time and grieve and move on. See a therapist to help you through. I'd check with a doctor as well due to unprotected sex

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you. I will stop contact him, I know that is I insist I will only push him harder. The only message I sent today, and I promised myself it will be the last, was about where I am going to stay during my trip. He said: not at my place. I took it like he needs his space. I don't agree that in a relationship, when you love deeply, without limits and walls, you hide but you never give up.

I am just afraid that if I abandon him, he will never get out of it and I will never have my answer, and will live with my mind at him, and how he is hurting, and how I was not able to help him overcome his frustrations.

But I will not contact him during my visit in his town.

I really don't know why you are saying " you are abandoning him" when he is the one who stopped talking and stopped replying. So he is the one who acts inappropriately yet you think of him hurting not yourself. What was said before he hung up in that conversation when you had a fight? What exactly did he say?

Do you really want a man who gives silent treatment?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He said: I think we should hang up and talk when we cool down. Ok?

I said yes because I felt attacked and I didn't want to say thing when I am angry. Felt wright.

I say that because it happened one time a few months ago, I let him be because I was angry. After 5 days I wrote that this is not normal and I don't want to take a radical decision. He then texted that he is sorry, he is ashamed and know that he hurt me, he didn't want it, that it was five years since his sister died and he was overwhelmed. And at the end of tel discussions, being 600km away from each other, he asked me if I can forgive him, I said yes. After a while, re discussing it, he told me about his way of escaping reality and ignoring a problem and if it will happen again, I should call him and insist and help him get out of it.

I love him and I think that we all have wounds and bad things from the past, and that together with your other one, you can over come them. I still think it's just like a few months ago, bad time, lots of problems, traumatic events from the past and that he needs me to keep believing in him. He had a rough childhood also, he was never appreciated and always everybody told him that he is not good enough, so he moved away since he had his first job. He told me that is why he divorced, because he was tired of his ex to keep telling him that he is not good enough and never tries enough. Maybe that's how he took my joke also.

It's not that I don't want to be treated like a porcelain doll and that I think that low of myself, it's like I still kind of hope it's about his past, his frustrations. And with the love I feel, I can help us fix each other.

Is it stupid, I am blind, I am wrong? I don't know. I have faith and patience in accepting him further, but I also feel betrayed, not loved, not important enough to speak with. I can't give up yet. I feel lots of things.

You aren't stupid but you deserve better than pursuing a man who gives silent treatment for 5 days then 10 days etc lots of people have problems way worse than his etc but the way he responds is unhealthy way and in my opinion it is a disaster to marry a man who acts like this during conflict. I think you deserve better. Such relationship and treatment isn't a happy one. I understand you love him but love isn't enough. Personally I'd run and run fast. Frankly if he respected you he'd never act like this.

Overall it's a bad idea to go for people who need fixing. If that's how he is 8
Months later that's how he'll be 10 years later. It's too much pain only 8
Months into it. It's going to get worse. Are you prepared for this?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I needed to hear this. Really.
But I ask you, if I may, doesn't love and relationships need work and patience? Aren't they hard? When do you decide you won't fight anymore? Without hard feelings and without the fear you are making a mistake?

I know it may sounds lame, but don't we all need fixing? I mean I don't expect someone to fix me, I am working on that already. But if I make mistakes in a relationship because didn't fix something from my past, should the other one leave and let me be?

It's amazing how familiar this all sounds, really.

Divine, I'm surprised you haven't busted out the "unavailable man" spiel.

He is not emotionally available. Yes, it is good to support one another and everyone has their flaws. I have huge ones. The last man I talked to was wonderful, for a minute, in dealing with them. And then he wasn't, and he did exactly what yours is doing, saying he felt pushed and he was reminded of his old emotionally abusive relationship and etc etc. I tried to understand, tried to "be there," but when they are unavailable, my dear, they are unavailable. It is not your job, as a significant other, to fix them. They won't let you.

This is like an arrow in the heart. It feels so hard to accept it.

Maybe he wanted to be and he found out that he can't. It's unfair that he didn't say it. That I have to guess and talk with others to help me understand. How did you manage to deal with it?

It isn't fair. But that's why you deserve better. It isn't something against you or that you were a bad person, or that he is, it just...is.

I still am dealing with it, actually. I mean, I have mainly dealt with not talking to the guy anymore. Not having closure is really hard, and it would have been nice to have been able to talk like rational adults and just say, "Okay, this doesn't work, let's move on," but that takes two mature people. He couldn't do that, and if I'm honest, I don't know if I would have been a good candidate for that conversation. So things just hit a wall with our communication until he stopped communicating effectively, and I had to decide to let him. What I feel now is that he is probably grieving in his own way, that I'm not the only one hurt, and that's that.

Right now, my struggle is more with my own existence and loneliness. I don't really want to bore with that.