[h0kie]

So, I have been thinking lately and I thought I would wonder aloud.

How much does our upbringing affect our judgements? And do they effect them positively or negatively? For example, when I hear a story about a disagreement between a parent and child, I tend to side with the adult first (until facts cause me to change my mind).

I believe this is because I was lucky enough to have, what I believe, are "good" parents. They expected good behavior from me and enforced consequences when that behavior was not shown. I knew I was loved and I knew my limits. I naturally assumed everyone grew/grows up like me. I know now, that is definitely not the case.

This does not mean I am blind to a parent who is wrong. Blatent cruelty and abuse is definitely not rationalized. It just means that usually until I hear enough of the story to change my mind, I give the parent the benefit of the doubt.

That being said, if I wasn't as lucky as I believe I was to have the childhood I did, would I feel the same way? I think it would make me very distrustful of adults/parents and I would side with the kids more often. I guess I'll never know. Just wanted to see what others thought.

Do you think your upbringing affects your judgement now? If so, how?

[Shaymus]

I think it definately does affect the judgements. I remember telling my friends what a jerk my dad was on numerous occasions and no one would ever believe that to be true. He was/is a charming guy. Then when his wrath was focused on them they would finally understand. That probably affects my judgements. I try to take things at face value though. I dont try to read into if someone is exaggerating the story or anything.

More than that though i think what gives my bias "ooomph" is that i feel the need to voice my opinion if i feel someone is being picked on/singled out. That gets my blood flowing.

[BlueFaith]

I definietly think my upbringing affects my judgement now. For example, when I was a kid my sister and I were punished through spanking. The thing about it is that if one of us did something wrong, and our parents couldn't figure out which one did it( and if neither of us would fess up to it), we both got a spanking. We were also raised to believe that if we had a problem that would stress out mom out too much that we weren't allowed to talk about it. We just had to deal with it on our own. It's not that I don't believe in spanking or that I would be judgemental toward anyone that disciplines their children that way. I just think my parents handled the spanking situations wrong. And when it comes to talking to my mom about my problems??? Well, I STILL can't do that because my father still won't allow us to "upset" my mother with anything. She's been an alcoholic for years, and in his opinion she has enough to deal with. That's what he says anyway. But now that I have 3 children of my own (2,4,6) I find myself watching my own actions to see how I react to what they do. I get to the bottom of something before I start throwing out punishments. Just because my childhood was not so good doesn't mean that my children have to live through it too. So, my upbringing does affect my judgement, but not in a bad way.

[radio_flyer]

Wow, what a good question. Is sort of hard for me to answer, yet it got me thinking. Being the youngest of 4, I think I was the punching bag for everyone. I don't recall ever being aloud to have an opinion. I was pretty much taught to do as I was told and don't question it . I think around age 4 and 5, I was left at the sitters for months or weeks, till my parents picked me up. And during the summers I was sent to aunts and uncles till school started. The family wasn't a "loving family" or close family.... Mother said I was the ugliest one in the family, and that I had big ears and funny teeth. She said I'd die young too because I was like my father. I don't think she liked me much ....

Putting this together and seeing how it has affected my judgments, I'd would have to think more on it.. Because I really don't know............. wow very good question....

[CompGeek]

I think that a persons upbringing affects their judgement to some extent. I do believe also that personality is formed by a combination of Nurture (environment growing up in) and Nature(genes/DNA). so I think that judgement may have something to do with Nature as well.. I am not really sure, however I do think that it is a very interesting question

[dottie]

I agree with you 100%

~Dottie

[SittinSpin]

I was just talking about this with my bf the other night. The topic we started out on was; "at what point do we expect people to overcome their upbringing?" Almost everyone was told something as a child that was purely their parent's opinion. Much of those things we don't bring into question until we become rebellious teens, and then we tend to knee jerk in the opposite direction, so I think that by 25, earlier for some, and later for others, we can assume that people have sorted through those things and formed their own opinions which they will in all likelihood pass on to their own children. I think that the environment we grow up in, great, good, fair or poor parents, economic status, etc, plays a large part in how we view the world. My parents were/are great people, everyone likes them that meets them darn near, and they are fun at parties, they were volunteer firemen, rescue squad, taught CPR and so on and so on, but they were fairly poor at parenting, just not made for it. I could write a book on why I believe that to be true and the underlying causes, but eventually I just had to own that and move on to becoming the best adult I could be despite that.
It's different for everyone but I DO think that it affects everyone to some degree.

[Perzephone]

Compared to most of the responses here, I guess I was lucky. I only got spankings til I was 4 or so - once I learned what behavior led to pain, I pretty much stopped doing it - my parents only punished in a fashion that made sense, I guess.

I also learned to be very independent because they both worked & I was alone more than I was supervised, and there were no latch-key-kids programs at the time or in the area. My parents were just down to earth & practical, & it didn't matter if someone was 5 or 55, they expected people to be able to take care of themselves. It probably explains why I get so mad at myself if I get hurt or sick - I hate that feeling of neediness & helplessness.

Even though both of my parents came from relatively strict religious upbringings, they were more agnostic than anything - they sent me to church w/my friends or their friends & I got to experience a great variety in worship... they taught me to read & write before I hit kindergarten... they were nudists at home, which was kind of irritating as a kid - I always had to make sure it was 'safe' for a friend to come inside the house, but I'm generally more accepting of my body & the bodies of others than most people I know. I've come out of early childhood with a general acceptance of fellow humans, and an open mind...

but I was only with my parents til my mom died when I was 9, & my dad abandoned me to a drug addicted, alcoholic cousin in a dysfunctional adult family. By the time I was 10 1/2, I was a hardened alcoholic who had stopped accepting people at face value & had begun to learn how not to trust the world. I stopped hoping & dreaming & wishing because expectations of people's behavior & outcomes only led to disappointment.

I don't know if those lessons in mistrust & lack of hope for the future will ever be overcome... So far, nothing has reached out to teach me anything different about the world.

[SeptemberMorn]

The way my upbringing affected my judgements is simple; "I'll never do that to MY kids." For the most part, I stuck to that resolve. As I grew older, I realized just how judgemental my mother was. Mercy!! She was usually wrong, too.

The ONLY thing I remember my dad ever saying to me was in response to a question I had. Don't have a clue where it came from, but I told him "Daddy, I don't love myself. Do you love yourself?" His answer was, "The Bible tells us we should love ourselves like we love others." I didn't believe him. I thought it was wrong. I think maybe the "other" person that lived with us, other than my mother, loved herself WAAAAY too much and I sure didn't want to be like HER!

For the most part, after almost 62 yrs of experience, I find that I'm seldmon judgemental of people but I am of circumstances and situations. ...and I still haven't listened to my dad from all those many years ago.

[Valis]

Great question...

I think as children our brains sort of have this project it lays out before us. Our brain takes in and "records" all the little events in our lives, then one day we all come to this silent conclusion, where the brain says:

"So this is how the world is and how its going to be"

I just wish that sometimes we would remember more of the good things in our childhood, than bad.

[Myzen]

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Shaymus said:
More than that though i think what gives my bias "ooomph" is that i feel the need to voice my opinion if i feel someone is being picked on/singled out. That gets my blood flowing.

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Shaymus,

I know that feeling so well. But not everyone has to cope with these triggers thank goodness.

It's only when you have been the focus of a tormentor's attentions that you know the real story.

Good thoughts, M

[Myzen]

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CompGeek said:
I think that a persons upbringing affects their judgement to some extent. I do believe also that personality is formed by a combination of Nurture (environment growing up in) and Nature(genes/DNA). so I think that judgement may have something to do with Nature as well.. I am not really sure, however I do think that it is a very interesting question

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

There is an irony here. When we are the child of an abusive parent we suffer the failure of nurture (the abuse) and we also have the knowledge that we came from this person and may have something genetically like them within us.

We live in fear of having the monster within us. This is a very heavy burden to fall onto small shoulders.

M.

[eskielover]

This question ties a little to what I am working on with my psychologist. A letter to my Mother telling her what I didn't appreciate, what hurt me, what made me angry, & then what I did appreciate. Things you don't want to deal with when they are alive. Yes, these are things that have definitely affected my judgements.

As a child, my parents expected respect.....only a couple of times was there any spanking....I learned fairly quickly how to avoid that. Being an only child, I didn't have any other children around me to help me get into any trouble other than what I could think up on my own. That part followed into my parenting.....use the punishment that fits the crime....there were better ways to get the point across than spanking.

My parents required the yes/no sir, maam. Seems like that becomes a habit after a living with it continually while growing up & even at my age. That has always been my usual response when I am answering someone. When I was working, it was mostly with military people, so guess I was well trained for the situation. I do remember it being a problem at times & because my husband wasn't brought up that way, it wasn't something that was expected from our daughter. I figured if she ended up in a situation where it was needed, she would adapt to it....like when she was in the High School AFROTC.

Beyond those concepts of upbringing came the times of being sooooo embarrassed by my parents when they were socializing (which hardly ever happened). There were things that my parents did & said that would just make me want to melt into my surroundings so no one knew I was associated with them. Those things I continually have checked myself about all along my life & swore that I would never be like my parents in that way. I am also finding that when these things are around me now, I want away from it......as far & fast as possible.....thus the "judgement" to go with the divorce.

I wanted so much more to my life than what I saw them have, I always wanted to be a career person....& was very successful at that for 15 years. I may not be the engineer anymore, but there has always been something within my thinking that I had to have something I am good at to focus my life on. I went back to college to focus on a new career, but after everything that happened with my Mother last year & when she died, it has left me with the ability to be able to focus on my horses.....which have now become my life & my future.

At least we are free to be more than what our parents were......I was always taught that in school.....education & our mind & thoughts that we own, can't be taken away from us even if our freedom is.....(growing up in the cold war era) We can accept what we want to accept from our upbringing....keep what we find works & be able to throw away the things that didn't work or hurt us. I feel fairly lucky that I have not really been "harmed" by my upbringing.....things along the way have had their effect, & definitely have made me think the way I do....but they are not the thoughts of my parents. I feel that they tried so hard to make me think their way because they could see no other way. It's not that I threw away their thoughts either.....I thought through everything & decided for myself what I agreed with & what I wanted to throw away. Either way, my upbringing has completely ha an affect on my judgements.

[Myzen]

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eskielover said: I feel that they tried so hard to make me think their way because they could see no other way.

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Eskie,

I read all of your post, but this sentence jumped out at me. I hope I am never in the position that I can't see the options for those that I care about. This includes the option that they might know better than me about some/many things.

I think the word I have struggled to take out of my loving relationships over the last 20 years is CONTROL. I was weaned on control and manipulation, and I once believed that it was essential to a close relationship - I'm glad I lost that belief!

Cheers, M

[eskielover]

Myzen,

I am so glad to hear that "the work I have struggled to take out of my loving relationships over the last 20 years is CONTROL". That is one of the issues that has torn my marriage apart after 30 years....it was silent control or as my psychologists have described him as passive agressive. He knew way back at the beginning that his method didn't work with me & was always a point of problems.....but he didn't want to be any different than he was because he thought he was perfect & had no room for improvement.

It makes me feel good to hear someone actually "struggle" to make himself a better person & work on an area that is a problem.....Your wife is very lucky to have someone that is willing to work on a relatioship.....you should be very proud of yourself to be able to grow & make changes to things that don't work in your life.

I think that has been a problem because when I see a problem that seems to come from me (my personality, thoughts), I try to analize the situation & myself to see what I need to do to fix it.

Glad you are working on improvements,
Debbie

[h0kie]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I just got home, but I am going to take my time and really read them.

[BamaSurvivor]

I think how we are raised has some affect on our lives, but not fully. I grew up in an abusive home. My dad neglected me and my cousin who lived with us raped me almost nightly. So I grew up feeling men would never love me but would use me for their own satisfaction. So what'd I grow up doing at an early age? Seeking out attention from males, thinking one of them would eventually love me.

That's just one example, there's many others I could share but prefer not to.

But as I got older, say around 14 and 15, I started realizing I have to take control of my OWN life and stop doing negative things because I only received negative from some of the males in my family. I had to break the cycle, so to speak. No, I didn't stop harming my body at that time, but I did realize I needed to take control and it was up to me to do so. I finally took control late last year and have since lived my life totally different than the life I grew up in.

We can either choose to let our upbringing tear us down (if it was a bad upbringing) or we can choose to rise above it and break the cycle and live a happy life. For those who grew up in a good loving home, take that love with you in life. Let it guide you in the right direction. I believe once we hit a certain age, we learn the differences between right and wrong and should be able to decide for ourselves if we want to be like the people who brought us into this world, or be our own person and do things differently.

Just my two cents.

[sykee65]

I agree with what BamaSurvivor said, "For those who grew up in a good loving home, take that love with you in life."
I actually asked a Professor of Psychology and Human Behavior to answer the question, "what percentage of your personality is based on genetic verses environmental influence?" His response was, "100% genetic and 100% environmental!" This answer left me quite perplexed until I thought it over and realized that we are all affected by these influences around us. The key to happiness is resilience in the face of desparity, finding the help you may need to get there, and choosing to appreciate every beautiful moment in life!

[sykee65]

I agree with what BamaSurvivor said, "For those who grew up in a good loving home, take that love with you in life."
I actually asked a Professor of Psychology and Human Behavior to answer the question, "what percentage of your personality is based on genetic verses environmental influence?" His response was, "100% genetic and 100% environmental!" This answer left me quite perplexed until I thought it over and realized that we are all affected by these influences around us. The key to happiness is resilience in the face of desparity, finding the help you may need to get there, and choosing to appreciate every beautiful moment in life!

[Echo221]

I think it does affect it to some extend but do you have any examples from real life that are not your personal?