[ChiChi_01]

Am I being unfair for not wanting my boyfriend talking to a girl who he used to "talk" to, had feelings for and had phone sex with. They never met in person because she lives states away but considered being together and moving for him. Now they are just friends and only talk via text. They've been friends for 8 years.

He says I'm being unfair because I have 2 best gay guy friends. One who has been my best since 1st grade but he fingered me and our other friend at the age of 13. My boyfriend says sexual relations change things. The other gay friend has made out with my sisters while they were drunk years ago, I drink with them too but nothing has ever happened. My boyfriend thinks that one is bi so it makes him uncomfortable.

I've been in a group text message for years with these guys and another girl friend. My boyfriend is also uncomfortable with them texting me and snapchatting at all hours at night. I moved states away from all of them to be with my bf so our only communication is through text and snaps. other than when I visit home.

Thanks everyone

[A Red Panda]

I personally think that you're being a bit hypocritical. Your bf has been friends with this woman for 8 years. While they may have had something going on for part of that, they are still just friends.

It sounds like you both have some trust/jealousy issues that you need to work on together. Putting restraints on who your partner can have contact with is just going to lead to resentment. It's not like a situation where one of you has cheated on the other or done something else that's a major breech of trust.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Agree with Panda completely. Although it's not a "bit" hypocritical. it's entirely so. What I mean is, expect from others what you want to have expected of you. If it's ok for you to speak with and be friends with someone that you had sex with, regardless of past sexual relations because there is nothing going on now, then give your bf the same. If you're capable of having friends without being sexual with them, by the same standard your bf can do the same.

[ChiChi_01]

Thanks for the feedback, greatly appreciated.

please hear me out and help me to know which is right and which isnt.

I told my bf that if he wants to talk to a female then it has to be a female who is gay because my guy friends are gay.that is the only way it would be fair to me, am I wrong? He says that sexual orientation shouldn't matter because they are still men and he has expressed his discomfort of my relationship with them. I really need some self help here.

im 25 and my bf is 27

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, to be honest. Completely agree with Panda's post. While staying in touch with an ex can spark a return of feelings and stuff, it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to run off with her. To be honest, you've moved to a different state to be and live with a guy you don't even trust... taht's a big problem right there, in my opinion. As mentioned, you guys need to sort through your trust issues. It'll harm your relationship in the long run otherwise. Also, remember to communicate with each other about your concerns and stuff... not in an accusatory, judgemental way. Would you agree that you come across as controlling? Controlling might be great for some people, but others get pushed away by it due to resentment. An ex of mine was controlling and it sure as hell got to me.

[divine1966]

My daughter and son in law both have opposite gender friends, granted my daughters good friend is gay but his friend isn't, she is straight woman with a boyfriend, they are childhood friends . It's never a problem for them. I think problem arises when it becomes secretive.

In situation with my daughter they all hang out and his female friend attended their wedding etc

My fiancée also has few female friends ( he has largely female type of profession and a hobby that is mostly female type so it's natural he knows plenty of women ) but I know them, it's not secretive plus they are all married and have kids. I am not concerned whatsoever.

Have you met each other friends? Do you do things all together on occasion ? If not, I'd say it has element of secrecy and I wouldn't go for it. If you BF has never even met that woman I don't even know what kind of friends are they? Cybersex friends?

I wouldn't tolerate secret friends but if it's real life friends and you both know them then it's totally fine.

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[A Red Panda]

My opinion? You are both being very immature.

Controlling and limiting what your partner does is the opposite of trust. Trust is a pretty big requirement for a happy and healthy relationship!

Why are you so concerned about him talking to his female friend? Because they somewhat had a past? So your bf, who has chosen a relationship with you, is going to cheat on you with someone he could have been involved with instead? That's rather silly. If the two of them had really wanted to be together they would be. Instead they have an 8 year friendship that you want him to end.

Your bf is quite right in calling you unfair. You actually have had sexual interactions with your friends in the past! Yes, they have came out as gay. You know it's ridiculous of him to worry about that. But that's where you're being hypocritical - you don't want him to communicate with someone he has been friends with for 8 years!

I think your bf has a more legitimate reason to be upset - you said that he is upset that you are texting and chatting at all hours of the night. Do you ever put your phone away and spend time properly 1:1, or are you consistently on your phone with your friends?

How long have the two of you been in a relationship? I'm a bit confused about how you are commited enough to each other to move states, without the two of you even trusting each other enough to trust that your friendships are just friendships.

Hypocritical and immature sound so harsh. Perhaps they are accurate. Tell it like it is and all that?

Perhaps you and your partner might consider investing more in the two of you ... your relationship. It's great to have friends but my partner is my priority. Unless you are naturally up all night, the friend-texting "all hours of the night" sounds like the relationship is regularly on the back burner or there is a passive-aggressive competition going on.

If a friend texts me in the middle of the night and I'm not already awake, I typically don't reply until I'm fully awake the next day. Granted we are in the same timezone. If she was in crisis, I certainly would make an exception.

Your partner's sex chat partner turned platonic friend doesn't sound right to me. I have no advice on how or if you that is something to address. I've purposely not maintained contacts with men I have been in a relationship with even if we broke up on good terms and they want a platonic friendship. I think that is why I question your partner's friendship. Just my two cents. Ignore if it isn't helpful to you. xo

Originally Posted by divine1966

My daughter and son in law both have opposite gender friends, granted my daughters good friend is gay but his friend isn't, she is straight woman with a boyfriend, they are childhood friends . It's never a problem for them. I think problem arises when it becomes secretive.

In situation with my daughter they all hang out and his female friend attended their wedding etc

My fiancée also has few female friends ( he has largely female type of profession and a hobby that is mostly female type so it's natural he knows plenty of women ) but I know them, it's not secretive plus they are all married and have kids. I am not concerned whatsoever.

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This is a great post, IMO.

[divine1966]

I think being upset over ones partner have sex chat buddy for 8 years ( someone he never even met) and the other chatting up guys all hours of the night is kind of normal ( being upset about it is normal, not the actions). I don't know too many married or otherwise commited people who'd be ok with all this. I don't think it means someone is jealous or controlling. It's all kind of common sense.

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[Trippin2.0]

You're both being giant babies.


That's my "professional" opinion.


You're adults, act like it and address the real problem, which is that neither of you trust the other.


If this was my relationship?

My bf and I would be ok with each of those friends you've described.


Try less controlling jealousy and more communication and trust building.


PS. I too am baffled as to how you made the decision to move in with a man (far away from home) without even establishing a foundation of trust first. Seems very reckless to me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Two people should be together "as they are". What do I mean by this? When you choose to be with another person, they should neither have to change their normal way of life nor should you. If being in a relationship means drastically changing your behavior you're with the wrong person altogether. Obviously there are some compromises but at the core you should be accepted as you are and not need to mold to values that contrast your own or go against what you believe.

So as for the friends on either side. Neither of you are right. In fact, you're both very wrong for expecting to restrict the other and teling them who their friends can be. If ANYONE else in your life were to tell you who to hang out with you'd both tell them to eff off, so why should it be any different here? NO one has the right to tell either of you who to be friends with. It's very immature, controlling and manipulative behavior and you're both guilty of it.

If your relationship is at the point of arguments comparing friends to each other and who is more wrong, your relationship is very broken and not working. Not one point on this thread talks about how much you two love each other and why you're together, no it's picking apart tiny details of friendships. No relationship can work on the basis of mistrust and jealousy. Based on what you've said that is all I see. jealousy and distrust. It's a competition not a romantic relationship.

[divine1966]

Although I agree with others that having opposite sex friends to talk and spend time with is perfectly fine. I shared that I have that in my life and it's ok.

What I see as a huge issue though is that so called long distance friend he never met is or was phone sex buddy. And those guy friends were fingering etc

So to all honesty these are former ( or current) sex partners, not just friends. It makes a difference.

Also none of them know other person. I don't see this as normal situation of having friends

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[unaluna]

If the bf's phone girl were gay, i doubt she would be talking to him! The OP is setting up an almost impossible condition. Not that lesbians never talk to boys. But many dont. Thats why they call them lesbians duh. Reality check.