[gmsg]

Over the span of my almost 19 yr marriage 90% of that time I could never understand why I could not rationalize with money and/or different behaviors. Spring was always my favorite time; my birthday, warm weather and NEW clothes. I always knew something was not right, but getting help or discussing how I felt inside was just not available with my husband or family.
October of 2004 I have a coming out "party" which I would did not want to be the guest of honor. I could no longer mask the depression and keep up with all I did. Initially I went into the hospital to get my meds regulated or try to at least. During that first year I went through numerous medications that often left me groggy or zoned out. Not to mention all these new symptoms I was experiencing like cycling, days of crying and not being able to explain it to my husband.
He initially went 2 or 3 times to the first therapist I saw, but when the doc made some SUGGESTIONS he did not go back. Typical, because he is the super stubborn one and as usual I was left to deal with me alone. It began to take a toll on our marriage and in March of 2006 I was approached with conversations of divorce. I am then subjected to two of his sisters visiting which was nothing more than a witch hunt for one of them. Unknowing to me at the time he had been telling his family for 4 months how miserable he was and divulging some of my innermost secrets that had been locked away. Money of course being a major factor. Sadly I did not realize how much stress I had caused with not being able to rationalize with money and also that I was half heartedly managing my disorder. Six months prior to the visit I began to slowly drawn inward not leaving the house that often and surely not anything with his family as I felt he was not defending me, which he was not. One thing led to another and since August of last year we have been separated. I am very frustrated as I was always the glue in our family and if anyone needed me whether my family or his I was always available. This has really been the only time that I needed someone to help and protect me as I could not manage all I was experiencing. Since being home with our 3 boys I had to wake up, develop courage and stand up for myself. It was difficult to do, but I had to for me and my boys. It is getting to that do or die time in that either we are divorcing or we are not. Of course, his family (especially his mother) supports divorce and my family stands behind me either way. My aunt has been my rock telling me what God can restore.
I now manage me, money and actually have money in the bank that I do not want to spend just because it is there. I still have much more to do, but I am on the right road and allowing God to direct me.
Has anyone experienced their spouse not understanding that during the time of "havoic" and being undiagnosed was one a contributing factor with irrational thinking/behavior? I have asked him many times, "do you understand during those times I was sick?" I finally know and work on me accomplishing something each day and NOT stopping. So now he wants to believe divorce is best for HIM. It is not fair and I am hoping someone can give me advice in helping communicating to him the realities of what we go through each day. Thank you so very much!

[sabby]

gmsq,

Wow, it sounds like you've been on quite a roller coaster ride for some time now. I congratulate you on working so hard to help yourself regardless of the lack of support coming from your husband and his family members. To be able to pick up your pieces and learn and grow and move on is not an easy thing to do, especially when confronted with separation/divorce being thrown into the mix.

Unfortunately, some folks just can't manage in their minds that mental illness is just that, an illness. It's not always visually out there, people "look normal", there is no visible scars, no surgeries to apply the illness to. They can't comprehend that a mind can be ill and causing the havoc that it causes. What they do know is that the person can show irrational thoughts and behaviors and it's so very hard for the family to understand them and know how to help.
Some folks don't have the abiity to rationalize the idea of mental illness in their own minds, it may be scary for them because they don't understand it, or it may be something that for them holds a stigma of fear that they cannot work through themselves, so they leave that love, or that friendship because of their lack of understanding.

There are also times in a relationship that there is hurt caused by the illness. If your husband was hurt in any way durning those times of havoc, he may not be able to work past that on his own and finds it easier for himself to leave the marriage. I don't know if that is the case with your marriage or not.

I've seen many times that relationships break up because of mental illness. Sometimes it takes many years for one person to finally get the help they need to feel better and work through their illness, but after the price has already been paid through the relationship being on very shaky ground. Depression not only lies to the individual who suffers from it, but it also lies to the loved ones too. Depression can take away not only your love of life, it begins to errode the core of the family. I can see you are doing everything you possibly can to care for yourself and your family. I applaud you for that. And I hope that in time, your husband may be able to see just how well you are doing and how hard you are working at things.

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this difficult time. I pray for you all for strength, compassion and understanding as you work through your problems. Be good to yourself along the way, you so deserve it!

Hugssss
J

[Direction]

I'm glad that you found PC and took the courage to post...

I don't want to jump to any conclusions - has divorce papers been filed? or is it still in the consideration phase?

I've been through a similar situation - now at least you are not alone.

[gmsg]

Originally papers were filed in September of 2006, but were put on hold. (Although, it never appeared on the state records as being filed. My childhood friend works for the D.A. and has access.)
He "said" he wanted to work at it, but as usual after 3 sessions with my therapist he quit. His reason for not going to the last session was he would get up and leave if he became mad, but that was the point for the whole exercise the doc had given us. We were to write down anything that caused us much pain through the marriage, what we would charge the person with and then the sentence. The whole point of the exercise was to release any anger either one of had harbored! Needless to say my therapist said from his initial meeting alone with my husband he noted he had anger issues.
As the months rolled along many demands were placed on me to which I met with all the strength God gave me. I never knew from one day to the next and if I did/said something he did not like then I was wrong. His opinion is not a fact and although I manage my illness now I still have crying spells from time to time. He told our boys that if I took my medicine the bp would go away, don't I wish!
The day after my b'day 3/10, which was Sunday he had stated the day before he would pick us up for church at 8:00. I was so excited because he had not asked before and rather than picking us up he left a message at 8:00 stating his mother wanted him to ride with her and his brother visiting. I learned this at 8:20 when the boys called to see where he was and I could not believe it. I went ahead and went on my own telling our boys I forgave their dad. He asked us about the movies and I said yes we would go. Wellllll, he never showed to pick us up for that either since he could not reach us by phone. Okay whatever!
I learned later that week he had gone ahead and spoke with his attorney about pushing forward with the divorce, but to date it still does not show on state records. We have even had a court appearance at the first of May to update the judge on our separation and was informed he is pushing for full custody. That is a joke, because he did not become an active father until last year when he started thinking of divorce. It was then he attended his first PTA meeting and our oldest is 14! Suddenly he became involved one of our son's hobby of paintball to which he had never attended any of his scout stuff.
He has figured out that our children are not a chore and are actually a lot of fun to be with as I already knew. I must add that right before I was diagnosed in 2004 we discussed me quitting work because at the time things were hectic and the more money one makes the more one spends. He liked me being here for him and the boys. I loved being with them too and never had worked full time since having them. In February of this year I was given a deadline to find a job by the end of the month. I was scared to death, but knew I had to overcome this and get a job or lose my family. On March 3rd I was notified I was hired at a locally owned business making $12 hr, 7:30-12:30 Mon-Fri. I was so excited for many reason and started March 5th. Once I began drawing a check I began helping financially paying for the children's fieldtrips, etc.
Suddenly last month without warning he said he wanted to divorce after telling me two days prior he thought we had a chance, not to panic and if he came home certain things would change. I agreed, because before I had spent recklessly and did not allow him to be head of the household. I knew what God was telling me and honoring him as well as him protecting me was His will.
I have told him that I will not sign anything, because he is not being fair and that his opinion is not a fact. Not to mention every demand placed in front of me I accomplished and do not stop each day. I attend my doc meetings, have organization going in the house and my intuition is to keep up the good fight.
A few weeks ago I was "let go" from my job because there had been several times I had problems with the kids being sick, etc. Our youngest son had to miss school as punishment after telling my boss which was a hemmorhoid anyway said he did not think it would work out. I agreed and left with my held high.
Even now with all the heart ache I have I know what God has put within me to fight and let Him handle it.

[Direction]

Wow! A lot to take in.

You may already read the struggles of "Sadmommy" in the thread "Husband's ex-secretary sent him pictures of her pole dancing"

There is a lot of valuable information that may have some relavance for you?

[sunrise]

gmsg, I'm so sorry for all that's been going on. I think seeing a therapist together could be helpful, but if he doesn't want to go, I'm not sure what you can do. Would he see a therapist on his own first to try to deal with some of his anger? He has an attorney, but do you? It sounds like he is considering various legal actions (e.g. his custody desires) and timetables. How active are you in this? Do you and he talk at all about your divorce plans so you are on the same page? I would urge you not to be passive. Talk with your lawyer, get into mediation with a divorce mediator, see a family therapist together, talk as much as you are able with him. Best of luck!

[Wants2Fly]

Hello gmsq and welcome to PC. It sounds like you are making good progress working on yourself. It's a shame that your longtime beloved does not understand.

Hugs and hugs and hugs.

[gmsg]

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I still remain hopeful.
It has been a lot to take in and deal with the fact he did not defend me or protect me. I guess that has been the most difficult issue for me.
I pray for him daily and my wealth is in my family. Too many years I looked to earthly people/things for happiness. I know that I worked harder than ever for who God is creating me to be and He will do as He sees fit for my future.
My heart aches to be loved and recognized for all I am today. The past few days have been quite tearful, but I will be okay.

Peace & Blessings!

[gmsg]

I wanted to add that I do have an attorney and have had one since August of last year. I know he will do all that is necessary to make sure he lives up to his responsiblities to the boys and me.
Counseling usually only lasted 2 or 3 sessions with him then he would bail. Sad, but true!
He will learn as I did the hard way and wish he would have listened. I can't live in the past nor will I, because I am moving forward, a work in progress!