Being a supportive friend that has BPD

Trigger mention Sui and SI




My friend has BPD and I care about her. We met a few years ago through a mutual friend. I don't have BPD, but I do have bipolar disorder, PTSD and other anxiety diagnoses. I am a sensitive person and can often feel when someone is in pain. My friend is in a lot of pain.

How can I support my friend while making sure I take care of myself? Sometimes my friend is unpredictable as to her moods and has what she calls meltdowns. She clearly is in pain during these times. I try to be supportive but she often shuts me out and others in her life. I figure she needs her space and that's fine. We all do, at times.

However, there have been times where she has verbally lashed out at me. She says I do not care about her at all (I do care a lot). She "dumps" me as a friend. This hurts me a lot and I can't think of what caused it and she never explains where I went wrong.

After a relatively short time, I will hear from her and she's happy and wants to spend time together. It's like a 180. She never mentions her ending our friendship and acts like everything is just peachy.

She often will become clingy and has called me threatening that she is going to kill herself. I don't live near her. I listen but plead with her to go to the Emergency Room.

She says doctors are quacks and refuses the hospital. I try to help her calm down on the phone. Sometimes she SI's but I'm unaware of her actually attempting suicide. I am concerned about her. Her family seems unsupportive and thinks she has temper tantrums.

This seems to be a cycle of our friendship and, frankly, it's taking a toll on my mental health. She can be super sweet but our friendship doesn't feel balanced. She knows about my MI and I don't unload my problems on her .... but isn't part of friendships supporting and listening to each other's personal concerns? My other friendships are more "reciprocal."

She's not a good listener and I don't think she cares that much. I think she has so much going on with her that there isn't room for a concern that isn't hers.
I wonder if she can empathize with things that are going on in my life. She seems caught in a spiral of drama and sometimes I feel used. I hate to use the term, but she can be an emotional vampire. Am I doing something wrong?

How can I help her? She sees a pdoc and a therapist. Is this friendship genuine or am I being used? I tend to put others first and the stress of being her friend is affecting my health. Should I try and place limits somehow? I don't want to end the friendship but this is taking a significant toll on my sanity. The stress is killing me. I've gently tried to broach some of the issues about our friendship but she immediately becomes defensive and lashes out again.

Any advice is really appreciated.

Hello rainy: I don't know as I really have a lot to offer here. But I saw that no one had replied to your post, so I thought I would. What you wrote, with regard to your friend, sounds to me (given my limited knowledge of the subject) like pretty-much textbook BPD behavior. Earlier this morning, as it happens, I was watching a few of California therapist Kati Morton's YouTube videos regarding BPD.

I can't really give you any authoritative advice with regard to how you can help your friend. My gut-level reaction is, quite honestly, you can't help her. She has a pdoc & a therapist. It is their job to help her. You have your own struggles. And as you wrote, your friendship with this person is taking a significant toll on your sanity... the stress is killing you. This being the case, you have to take care of yourself. It accomplishes nothing if you allow this person to drag you down.

Yes, it would be marvelous to imagine you could continue to be a friend, support your friend, & contribute to her ultimate recovery. That is the dream. But, from what you wrote, the impression I am left with is this is not the direction in which circumstances are heading. What's happening is your friend is not getting any better (at least not yet.) And you are being dragged down into the vortex of her illness.

Ultimately, in my opinion, each of us who struggle with mental health issues must realize that those around us have their limits. And it is up to us for figure out some way of not continually transgressing those boundaries. If we cannot, or will not, then those around us must do what they must do to protect themselves. From my perspective, this is what it is time for you to do.

Thanks for your reply! I was wondering why no one was replying, lol.

I hate to end the friendship, too. I'm torn about it but you make very good points. Thank you.

If anyone else has input, I'd appreciate your posting. Maybe I put this in the wrong section?

Hi Rainy.
My experience with my ex friend (see my "Is this PPD" thread) is similar, but without the making up again afterwards and acting as though nothing happened. He, too, would become clingy with me and it seemed as though he didn't want to listen to his problems. He always had a million problems of his own- at work, with his wife, with people "not understanding him", and even accusing me of being a bad and unsupportive, uncaring friend.

Even though it was one of the most painful moments of my life to lose him as a friend (he was my best online friend for about 7 years: there for me when people IRL weren't), but it ended up being a great thing for my mental health in the end. I've had similar experiences with other people, mostly online, who used me as a sounding board for their own problems while being hurtful to me. In the end, for me, it was not worth it.

So, in the end, (even though he was the one to cut all contact with me in a vicious way), our breakup was a good thing for my own sanity. I know longer had to worry about if I was saying the right thing to him, or if he truly cared about me, or if I was just being used by him, etc.

But, your friendship could be different. I can't say for certain. But I do know in my own case that it turned out for the best when I cut off ties with people who were unreciprocating in terms of support.

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it.

I really thought more people would respond. Anyone?

I have BPD.


My bf used to call timeouts when I went off the rails, and when we got back together after our last split he made it clear in no uncertain terms that if I push one more time, he will listen and not return when I inevitably calm down and change my mind.


Seems harsh but necessary, I struggle with boundaries as many of us do and he helped by setting them for us, in a clear, direct, yet non threatening manner.


By him explaining the toll my erratic behaviour was taking on him and what he needed from me to have a healthy relationship, it gave me the input I needed to work on myself effectively.


Sometimes we take people for granted, not maliciously, but because we become complacent.


Set your own boundaries, if she's getting too much, take a step back and focus on yourself, or at least on something more pleasant. Don't leave the ball entirely in her court, there's two of you in this friendship and she clearly doesn't know what the hell to do with the ball when left to her own devices.


PS. My behavior has improved dramatically due to self help and therapy, and my relationship has flourished into a healthy equal partnership.

Hi Rainy.

BPD in a loved one is a tough row to hoe -- for everyone.

I had one T yrs ago who sat me down and told me that if I did not "excise" (her word) my BPD friend from my life, she would cease to see me. That hurt -- this woman was a friend as well as my T -- but when I went home & discussed it with H, he said, "Well, FINALLY!" hummmmmm...

Maybe you'd consider doing what he had me do: Sit down, make a list of the Pro & Con of your interactions with your BPD friend. It's a very fluid situation, often: if you find it's consistently harming your own health, then stepping back from this person is an option for your own improved health.

Will your friend understand?
Not too likely. Boundaries, as Tripp said, are a tough concept for many people (and not just BPD sufferers). Timing is never right for one thing, lol -- so be prepared for a massive guilt-trip bc it sounds like your friend is inclined that way.

Needing a calmer and more manageable life is not something anyone should be ashamed of: you can never fulfill all of someone else's needs, and if she thinks you should expend all of your energy trying to do so, that's neither helpful or realistic - for either of you.

IMO of course.

Sympathy and great good luck to you. These decisions are always difficult.

Chyia (hug)

The older I get (ugh) the more I feel that life is just one long exercise in prioritization...

I tend to put other people first, before myself. It is not a good thing at all. I'm pretty sure that's it's own mental health issue but that doesn't matter here. If she has this pattern that won't change, then I think you know whether you can stick it out with her or if your own health will suffer too much.

I think of my own mental health as kind of like currency for my relationships (odd, I know)....Some people, I gladly pay for. Some cost a little...some are totally out of my price range and I have to just walk on by.
In the future, I hope to be mentally wealthier... But I am not right now

I hope I make some sense....

It sounds like you want to be her friend but don't want to be lashed out at. You realize that BPD causes her behavior but it still hurts to deal with it.

An option would be to set a firm boundary. When she starts to attack, you might immediately say something like "Call me/message me when you feel better." And then hang up/send no further messages until you believe she is under control again.

You could tell her that you are going to do this.

Threatening to kill herself is emotional blackmail. I recommend that you google this and read up on it.

When you plead with her you are giving in to her emotional blackmail.

An option would be to tell her that you are not her crisis line and that you are not going to listen to threats of suicide. You could tell her that you are going to hang up so she can call 911. And then do it.

In summary: it sounds like you are looking at this as a black and white decision: stay friends or leave, and you don't want either choice. A third approach is to set and stick with firm boundaries. If she learns over time to cooperate, you can keep you friend and avoid her abuse. If she cannot learn to cooperate, it will be easier for you to end the friendship.

My BPD close friend has understood that I need to take care of my own emotional needs first and foremost. We have what I can only describe as an unwritten understanding that I will simply back off when needed with no explanation. That basically reduces the fights we might otherwise have. I should point out though that we don't live in the same city so we have the advantage of not being in constant contact. Is there anyway of limiting or scheduling your own contact? My chum and I also have developed verbal signals - ones which basically communicate 'I've had enough!'. All of this has taken a lot of thought, some discussion, and a great deal of understanding. It's ironic, communication may be one of the most difficult things with our BPD friends yet is the solution to so many of the problems.

Hi Rainy,

I am newly diagnosed with BPD and it floors me how I've treated others - through no fault of my own, however, it's up to me to figure some things out and to stop treating people like they are my own personal punching bags.
There are a lot of online support groups for family and friends of people with BPD. My search for a group of people with BPD lead me here - just last week! So, maybe check some of those out.
And I agree with everyone here that honest communication and boundaries are key to surviving your friendship. And more power to you for wanting to help - part of the problem is that those of us who suffer with BPD so want to have love in our lives but are so busy pushing everyone away that our fear of abandonment becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Good luck!